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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS messaging ex teacher

231 replies

mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 01:49

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 23/12/2018 14:14

Bearing in mind she must be minimum 23/24, what possible stuff can she have in common with a 17 year old? And why on earth is she putting herself at risk contacting him? Is she stupid? As a teacher, I'd find that outrageous of I knew a colleague was doing it.

When I was newly qualified, the older boys tried to be flirty, asked me out etc. Obviously I shut them down immediately. You're supposed to report kids making flirtatious comments. I just can't see why she thinks this is OK. If it were a male teacher and a female ex-student, I bet there'd be loads of comments saying how inappropriate it is for the teacher to be messaging a young ex-student.

VickyEadie · 23/12/2018 14:17

It is an offence for a person aged 18 or over to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 18 if the older person holds a position of trust (for example a teacher or social worker) as such sexual activity is an abuse of the position of trust.

Correct - this is to prevent teachers grooming children and then starting relationships with them as soon as they leave school.

She's grooming him.

dangerrabbit · 23/12/2018 14:17

It is bad and not ok just because the expected genders are reversed. Who knows whether she may approach even younger boys still under her care? I think the OP is sensible making this thread and has a duty to report to the school.

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 14:42

Some of these responses are clearly from women who don't know which way is up

This is grooming. That's the long and short of it. As a parent it is our job to protect our children and not turn a blind eye to adults sending messages in this way. No ifs, buts or maybes. No ' god you're so nosy - respect his privacy' ... that argument only carries weight if he's messaging with another 17 year old girl

In your position I would be speaking to my son about this and I would be phoning the school to talk with the head teacher initially and to report my concerns and leave it with them.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 14:42

BatCakes absolutely!

Caron2ds · 23/12/2018 14:54

She will show your comment to your son. Don’t do that. Definitely contact the school. Creepy as hell and so wrong.

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 14:55

@ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn don't you just despair? Women who are mothers falling over themselves to excuse sexual grooming. Describing it as 'nosy' and 'pearl clutching'

I defy anyone on here to stand up and say they'd be perfectly happy for their 17 year old boy to be messaging in this way. Because if they do, they're condoning grooming. And how shocking is that on a site for parents?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 15:00

It’s extremely shocking, although sadly not surprising.

I have sons and a daughter, I have no idea why sex is even relevant here. An adult, who until recently was in a position of trust, is inappropriately messaging someone still under 18. Which is illegal, and morally wrong to boot.

The amount of people condoning it is turning my stomach. It’s grooming a child ffs.

Worsethingshappen · 23/12/2018 15:00

I wouldn’t automatically panic. You need to understand the context of the particular situation and the specific people involved. I know of 3 people who ended up in a healthy long term relationship with their teachers or a teacher at their school. That was 20 years ago and certainly wasn’t grooming.
OP - I would talk gently to your son and find out a bit more before talking to the school.

Ohyesiam · 23/12/2018 15:02

But we’re ypu married to someone who had previously been in a position of trust and was meant to safeguard you?

My oh is a teacher and he tells me his duty of care extends past school leaving age to all ex pupils. It’s in his employment contract.
I’d be very surprised if it was only his school.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:17

You should come clean about your outrageous snooping and ask your son his thoughts and discuss the subject LIKE ADULTS. You will damage your relationship with him if you sneak off and have a go at her behind his back or worse still report her for a flirty text that YOUR SON sent! What exactly is the head going to do with a text that says "you were my favourite [winky face] ?" from the teacher of an ex pupil. Neither the head nor the teacher have a duty of care for him, he's nearly a grown man! You know you have invaded his privacy in an unforgivable way and now your going to make it worse. Oh course he will find out it was you, then he will hate your doubley for prying and then deceiving him.

messyhousetidymind · 23/12/2018 15:18

I would tell the school and let them figure out if counts as safeguarding concern if he's an ex pupil.

At the very least one would hope she'd get a strong reminder about boundaries from senior staff

VickyEadie · 23/12/2018 15:28

What exactly is the head going to do with a text that says "you were my favourite [winky face] ?" from the teacher of an ex pupil. Neither the head nor the teacher have a duty of care for him, he's nearly a grown man!

You need to read the whole thread - it's at the very least gross misconduct and (depending on how far it goes) can be a criminal offence.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:32

Please enlighten me as to what condition of conduct has been specifically breached? This no contact rule if it does indeed exist is specific to individual schools. And what criminal offence is a "you were my favourite" text fall under?

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 15:33

Some posters clearly need to familiarise themselves with the definition of grooming.

How thick do you have to be? Hmm

Tistheseason17 · 23/12/2018 15:34

I find it a bit "off" as to why a mature woman in her mid twenties is possibly interested in a 17yr old boy. He is a boy.

Would some of the responses be the same if it was a man? This teacher may have been flirting with your DS when he was at school ie. grooming.

It is wrong and whether she is simply naive or not it is not ethically good.

The tough thing is how to handle it.

Personally, I'd make an anonymous call to the school pretending to be another pupil reporting her. If YOU report her it will bring a whole heap of poo on your relationship with your son. Sorry, this is pants.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:35

Grooming is a behaviour which is systematic and over a period of time. A one off message or conversation is not grooming ffs and will not be treated as such.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:37

And as for the cretins suggesting anonymous tip offs? Disgusting. Treat your some with some respect and integrity OP and speak to him first and for most or you will regret it down the line. You have breached his trust.

PrivateVasquez · 23/12/2018 15:39

Grooming is a behaviour which is systematic and over a period of time. A one off message or conversation is not grooming ffs and will not be treated as such.

The thing is we don't know whether this was a one-off exchange or not. But if a teacher is talking about sleeping together with someone who was their student just six months ago, and saying things like "you were always my favourite", then that's enough of a red flag to inform the school. And then let them deal with it appropriately.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:41

She wasn't talking about sleeping with him, he was! If they had done anything I'm sure OP would have seen something more explicit than what she did see.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 15:43

Flash you’re awfully angry about this and making a point of defending the teacher.

You’re absolutely dead wrong btw and your persistent condoning of a teacher and recent former pupil having a sexually charged conversation makes me hope you’re not a parent.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:43

And you are making a hell of a jump saying this went on while she was teaching him, and you would need some pretty cast iron evidence of your assumptions too if you want to take this further, which OP does not have. She needs to come clean and discuss with her son (and face his fury - and he will be fucking furious!)

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:45

I'm sorry but teachers get enough stick on here without people jumping to conclusions with no evidence or even the decency to have a conversation with the parties involved.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 15:47

The teacher in this case hadn’t behaved appropriately, whether anything happened while he was a pupil or not.

She shouldn’t be taking part in sexually charged conversations with a 17 year old, and shouldn’t be encouraging him.

But you’re furious that his mother did her part and checked his messages? Clearly it’s a good thing she did!

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:54

His mother did her part? What fresh hell is this? That young man can exchange sexually explicit messages to anyone his age or older that he wants to so long as they consent. He's not 10 for God's sake. If his girlfriend was17 would it still be OK for his mum to read his messages? There is a murky grey area in this instance but it's not illegal.