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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS messaging ex teacher

231 replies

mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 01:49

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 23/12/2018 16:42

I'm gobsmacked at the responses on here. If it was a 17yo girl getting flirty messages from her ex teacher would you tell mum to keep her nose out?

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 16:44

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners thank you! You said it much more eloquently than I!

moredoll · 23/12/2018 16:46

Why report it to the school?

Because she's a teacher in a position of trust and doesn't have a clear understanding of boundaries. Other pupils might be at risk.

He's of age

Where a person older than 18 is in a “position of trust”, it is an offence for them to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 18.

APositiveMind · 23/12/2018 16:52

@moredoll.
She is no longer in a position of trust for this student. So when he turns 18 in under 12 months everyone will then be happy?

The age for sex is 16, if your deemed an appropriate age to have sex, why can you be of an appropriate age to start a relationship with an ex-teacher.
I could understand if he was underage. Just not when he's 17, surely it's their choice and no-one else's?

AhhhHereItGoes · 23/12/2018 16:52

With your update (she's taught him since 11) I think you should report it. She should just see him as a child.

If she only met him at 16/17 I'd see it ill advised but perhaps not predatory due to closeness in age. But I can't imagine seeing someone I knew since 11. That way unless I was a similar age myself.

moredoll · 23/12/2018 16:52

So what if she meets someone who is also 17 but was at at different school? Is she justnnevrr allowed to date anyone younger than her for the pure fact they was once a student?

My understanding is that If at a different school then she is not in a position of trust. She has never had authority over him. It is the abuse of her authority that is the issue.

She has a duty of trust to the children she is currently teaching

Posted this upthread

www.express.co.uk/news/uk/560254/Teacher-25-who-has-sex-with-ex-pupil-banned-from-profession

APositiveMind · 23/12/2018 16:57

That's what I mean, why is it ok that she dates a pupil from another school? She's still a teacher, their both still 17. Just because she's met one pupil face to face and taught him about Henry VIII and how to understand Of Mice and Men, the other boy is still an ex pupil of an ex school. Its no different other than they haven't met.

Let sleeping dogs lie, nothing bad has happened, what if they blossom into a loving relationship, stay together for years, married and children? Is mum just worries this is a one off thing and her DS is unaware of how it could end? That any relationship.

PointlessPigeon · 23/12/2018 17:06

Attitudes like this on here are exactly how my secondary school teacher go away with it for so long. Until the age he was grooming got younger and younger. And be was raping girls (under 16 so couldn't ever consent) in his classroom cupboard.

You don't have relations with pupils/former pupils. Full stop.

Otherwise you'd just be allowed to groom them right up until they left school.

Thankfully there have been cases where the law has done well in this and punished teachers who do this sort of vile thing.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/12/2018 17:09

It's possible that they were messaging before he left the school

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 17:11

Ok let’s try it another way. A family friend, 6 or 7 years older, who has known your child well since they were 11 all of a sudden begins to engage in sexual conversations and flirting. Would that be ok?

Haggisfish · 23/12/2018 17:16

It is completely different if they have or have not taught the person. The relationship between teacher and student is very complex and would absolutely effect any future relationship between them. If the teacher has never taught the person then they have never been in a position of authority over that person, and hence it is a different issue. I find it very difficult to understand why some people can’t see the issue with this.

MincePieMum · 23/12/2018 17:22

I'm struggling with the timeline here. I though she is mid twenties? And has taught him from 11? 5 years. What age is the usual NQT age? Sorry I don't know how long it takes for a teacher to qualify but I thought it was at least a 3 yr undergraduate degree and teacher training. Does that mean she has be teaching this boy since being an NQT? If so, this is massive for her career, the school need to know.

Reverse the sexes. A male NQT meets 11 yo student then within months of her leaving school at 17 he is flirting with her. Having had 5 years of opportunity to groom her beforehand. She is part of the first cohort where he could legitimately claim the relationship began after she left school. How many others might there be? This is what safeguarding is all about. Not proving something has been done but preventing the potential for harm from occurring.

azulmariposa · 23/12/2018 17:24

This is so tricky!
You invaded your sons privacy by reading his private messages- although most phones have a pin or something that locks them. How did you know that? He is going to be (rightfully!) hurt and upset. This could do massive damage to your relationship.

Was there any sexual content? A winky face or any emoji can mean different things depending on who's reading it (and look different on android and apple!) she may have sent the messages without any agenda, but without seeing them it's impossible to tell.
It may be that you are reading into something that was harmless, but then again impossible for us to tell.

I think I would mention that you saw a notification from his ex teacher and perhaps see his reaction (although it will show as the messages were read so that might give you away anyway), and then mention how odd it is that she's messaging him.
If there was explicit sexual content then I wouldn't hesitate to report her, but it's not obvious that anything has happened between them.

LadyRenoir · 23/12/2018 17:30

Well, think of Macron and his wife- and what a beautiful couple they are... (sarcasm btw).
I don't really understand why any teacher would want to go out with a student or an ex student. It's weird. I can sort of understand ot more at university, where it is still something frowned upon (a colleague of mine had an affair with her lecturer and he almost lost his job). Obviously people change between age of 11 and 16 massively, but I still can't see the attraction!
I think I would report it to the school, they can take it up from there and decide what to do.

Alwaystired122 · 23/12/2018 17:41

Honestly I think you have to report it to the school and let them decide on the appropriate course of action.

I know I would not be happy with this if it was my 17yr old child - male or female

therewillbetime · 23/12/2018 17:48

Legally, this is not safeguarding. The law states that who anybody who works in an educational establishment cannot conduct a relationship with any student under 18. Alongside this are the codes of conduct in individual establishments that always stipulate that any employee is not allowed to enter a personal relationship with a student.

This 17 year old is no longer a student so on those grounds no action could be taken. However the establishment may frown upon this in light of a teacher bringing the profession into disrepute. It is not clear cut though: if an establishment choose to pursue this as misconduct there would have to be a tight policy in place stipulating that a relationship cannot be carried out with a ex student for a specified time period or, of a specified age.

therewillbetime · 23/12/2018 17:48

Excuse typos, on a dodgy iPad!

Original poster
mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 17:51

In terms of timeline, I am guessing at mid twenties (that's how old she looks). She was teaching there when DS started I think, or at least when he was in Year 8 as i'm sure she taught him in Year 8. I don't mean she has taught him every year since he was 11, but was trying to illustrate the point she has known him since he was a child!

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 23/12/2018 17:55

If she still teaches at same school I'd be worried some grooming went on previously to initiate the texts now. My RE teacher got round rules by waiting til his target was 18 & started attending the church 'group' sessions he ran. He'd been all over her in a really creepy, blatant way for 2years before that during every lesson. He was 36. But back then we didn't know to tell anyone.

oofadoofa · 23/12/2018 17:57

Ffs, what is it with this site?!

You. Snooped. On. Your. Son. By. Going. Through. His. Phone.

That is not right. He is 17, no longer a child. You had absolutely no right to do that and you should be embarrassed that you couldn’t stop yourself.

He’s over the legal age of consent and whether you agree or not, he’s going to make some questionable mistakes, but you can’t stop him making them.

As for the teacher, it’s a bit weird and probably unethical, but at the moment it’s only messages and absolutely none of your business anyway.

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 18:15

Ooh the grooming apologists are back again!

PS the law is very clear on what a child is. It's someone under the age of 18. That's not some opinion. It's a fact

I really must hide this thread now. Shame on some of you with your moronic viewpoints

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 18:15

@oofadoofa I glad I'm not the only one who thinks this site is a parallel universe at times!

ABCagain · 23/12/2018 18:30

Blimey Haggisfish talk about jumping the Gun they’re only Texting!
He’s nearly a Man, fancy going through his Phone. That’s just wrong.

ABCagain · 23/12/2018 18:31

Oofadoofa just read your post, well said.

CrabbyPatty · 23/12/2018 18:37

Not read the full thread but in terms of 'age of consent' yes it's 16 but if there are concerns of grooming/sexual exploitation this would apply up the age of 18 as he is still legally a child under the Children Act - Nothing to do with the age of consent as there is no consent with grooming/exploitation. This sounds like concerning behaviour and I would report. If you're wrong you're wrong but it could be part of a pattern of behaviour from her. You can probably Google the contact details for your Local Authority Designated officer (LADO) who handles concerns in relation to professionals who work with children. Please report - it's all pieces of the jig saw.