Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS messaging ex teacher

231 replies

mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 01:49

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

OP posts:
worridmum · 23/12/2018 12:11

The responses here would be totally different if the sexes were changed around please report her she is no different then a male teacher trying it on with a female pupil.

She needs to be stopped.

minisoksmakehardwork · 23/12/2018 12:24

The issue is even if the roles were reversed, the two people involved do not have a pupil/teacher relationship anymore and are above the age of consent.

Op is prepared to ruin a woman's career rather than be honest with her son.

@mumanator7, what happens when your son finds out the reason why the teacher dropped him from their friendship?

Surely it is better to be honest and say you saw whatever message came up - you don't have to admit to reading further. Explain why such messages might be frowned upon. Advise your son not to pursue this further and that the woman shouldn't either. If she continues, then by all means report her. If your son continues then you have to decide whether you have brought him up to be the man you expect.

dorisdog · 23/12/2018 12:29

I would report to the school. She's got some serious boundry issues going on and seventeen is young. However, your son might not thank you for it, if he finds out. Tricky. But in your shoes I'd feel like you have to step up, as the adult, and safeguard your DS (and maybe other vulnerable teenagers).

Jenny17 · 23/12/2018 12:31

It boils down to whether it's socially acceptable or not

No it doesn't, it's against the conduct that is expected of a teacher. It would be horrible if down the line she is found to be abusing kids and people who knew did nothing despite adequate evidence.

TeddybearBaby · 23/12/2018 12:37

I definitely think people on here would have a different reaction if the roles were reversed too. I would be livid if this was my son and to be completely honest I couldn’t give a rats arse about his privacy after finding that. Would report for sure.

TeddybearBaby · 23/12/2018 12:39

Oh and no I wouldn’t contact her, I’d contact the school.

FunshineCareBear · 23/12/2018 12:43

This needs reporting. If the school think its fine it won't cause any problems. But i think they'd find it very questionable. I can't believe how many people think its ok

FunshineCareBear · 23/12/2018 12:44

It won't ruin her career if she's nothing wrong will it Hmm

brighteyeowl17 · 23/12/2018 12:44

Are the public or DM? Sounds dodgy, and I am a teacher and can’t imagine doing this, but make sure your 100% before you report her as she will probably lose her job and it’s it’s misunderstanding in these cases rumours never go away so and will ruin her life if it wasn’t what it seems.

LyndaLaHughes · 23/12/2018 12:45

I would message the following if it were me...
Erring on the nice side to stop it blowing up

Dear x
It has come to my attention that you have been messaging my son. I am sure you mean no harm but I do not think it is appropriate given your previous duty of care to him as his teacher. I am prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt that you haven't realised that this isn't acceptable and have made an innocent mistake. I do not wish to embarrass either my son or yourself by letting him know I am aware so I would appreciate if you would cease contact immediately. Should you fail to do so then I will have no option but to assume it is not an innocent mistake and will have to pass the matter on to the school to deal with.

Kind regards etc

minisoksmakehardwork · 23/12/2018 12:57

@LyndaLaHughes, to me your message is perfect.

@mumanator7 - are you 100% certain that the person messaging is the teacher and not one of your son's friends who, knowing your son maybe had a crush on her at school, has set up a fake account and is cat-fishing him?

I can accept that the friendship is over blurred boundaries caused by a previous duty of care and both parties being above the age of consent and is deemed inappropriate.

But I really, really think you need to talk to your son about it as well. Otherwise you are absolving him of any blame or even the very important learning point that he might be being groomed.

Lovemusic33 · 23/12/2018 13:04

I would feel uneasy about this too, I’m guessing some of her pupils are the same age as your ds (if she teaches 6th form). I’m not sure what the school can really do but I think I would make them aware.

Cheekyandfreaky · 23/12/2018 13:05

You need to report this. It’s a safeguarding concern.

Lynne45 · 23/12/2018 13:09

I know people who let their ex-pupils add them on social media but they would never private message them. Flirting is definitely crossing a line, your boy is only 17. I’d go to the school.

ohtheholidays · 23/12/2018 13:10

Don't mention it to your son and do not contact the Teacher,she could be doing this with other male students that she's still teaching,what about them?!

Contact the school and tell them,she sort your son out and contacted him,come on it's obvious why!

Over the last few years a few female teachers have been arrested for grooming boys that they taught,1 of them was at a school near us and it was bloody awful and they think there was alot more boys than they knew of and she'd been having sex with these children!

Please report it to the school,the school can then decide what to do.

It rings huge alarm bells that she was the one that started the conversation!

PrivateVasquez · 23/12/2018 13:12

I can't see any benefit to messaging the woman. Just tell the school and let them deal with it.

Jenny17 · 23/12/2018 13:19

Teacher, 25, who has sex with ex-pupil banned from profession www.express.co.uk/news/uk/560254/Teacher-25-who-has-sex-with-ex-pupil-banned-from-profession

Haggisfish · 23/12/2018 13:21

Absolutely do not message the teacher. Just tell school ffs.

Oblomov18 · 23/12/2018 13:22

Moredoll linked to an article where teacher had sex with a student who had left. She'd never actually taught him but knew him from cadets.

You see, I don't have a problem with that. I'm not sure I agree with the ruling.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 23/12/2018 13:24

Safeguarding rules in our school were that we were not allowed to have any contact with any former students within 3 years of them leaving school. Any exceptions (eg where the ex-pupil was a child of a friend) had to be submitted to the head in writing. This came about after 2 teachers were involved with former students shortly after they left which caused concern as to whether foundations were laid while they were still at school.

Amanduh · 23/12/2018 13:25

Speak to your son. If it goes further and school investigate etc your son will find out about it when it’s an even bigger issue. Just speak to him!

BeautifulPossibilities · 23/12/2018 13:26

I'm a teacher - get straight on to the school. It's disgusting and for the safety of other children you need to act!

PeterAndJayne · 23/12/2018 13:30

She sounds like a sexual predator. This is completely inappropriate so yes you should report.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 23/12/2018 13:36

Very pertinent thread for me today- it’s exactly 20yrs this day since I (aged 17 at the time) first had sex with my own former teacher (aged 30 at the time). I was a girl and he was a man and it was the biggest betrayal of trust of my life.

I’m now in my late 30s and a teacher myself. I would NEVER betray the trust of the children that have been in my care, even years after I taught them. I have some kids from my first form on Facebook, who are now in their late 20s and who I only accepted when they’d been left school a good five or six years.

What happened to me was really grim. It started for me with the 1998 form of social media: private emails between me and my teacher. If I had wind of anything like this happening to my kids I would inform the school, because no teacher would not know that this is a serious breach of their professionalism.

otterturk · 23/12/2018 13:54

Is it that bad? Really? He's legal, she's not his teacher. Lots of pearl clutching here.