Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS messaging ex teacher

231 replies

mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 01:49

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

OP posts:
BatCakes · 23/12/2018 15:55

Lol at a 17 year old boy being furious. Err and? I'd face my child's fury as I attempted to sort out a situation he'd got himself into. Par for the course isn't it? I wouldn't give a hoot about teenage fury in this instance.

I hope to God you're not a parent. And if you are, clearly not one to older teens. Or a really slack one if so.

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 15:57

That's where you're dead wrong by the way @FlashByReputation .. the law isn't 'murky' on this one at all.

And you've got the cheek to call other posters cretins. Still, I'm sure you'll crack on though with your condoning of grooming by a person in a position of trust

Ugh, how creepy are you

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 15:57

He's allowed to have sex and send sexual texts. I wouldn't want to know the gory details thanks!

TeddybearBaby · 23/12/2018 15:58

@BatCakes I thought the same! 17 year old furious with me versus being groomed. Bring it on my boy 😂

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 16:00

She is not in a position of trust. If this was happening while he was a student that statement would be true. But its not.

Amber0685 · 23/12/2018 16:00

Report it to the school. She is in a position of trust he is 17.

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 16:01

She's a teacher isn't she? And his ex teacher? Both of those are facts yes?

If you agree that they both are facts then yep, she's in a position of trust. Why don't you give it up, your stance which comes from a position of completely ignorance?

loveka · 23/12/2018 16:06

The duty of care for teachers is beyond 18 actually. Teachers have been struck off for starting relationships with ex pupils by the Teacher Reulation body.

There is a panel who decide whether the Teacher misconduct is bad enough (If over 18)

In fact, the panel have a lot of leeway around the punishment they can impose.

This is misconduct on the teachers part. It is a safeguarding issue. It is NOT the same as if they had met in a club. This is not just an opinion, it is fact. All teachers should know this, as Safeguarding training is compulsory.

loveka · 23/12/2018 16:09

And Flash, before you turn on me too, I work in safeguarding and believe me this teacher is considered to be in a position of trust.

Original poster
mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 16:11

Thanks all for your really thoughtful replies. I am leaning towards talking to him about it (may just say I saw messages from her but not say I read them?) and also reporting to the school as well, just to make them aware.

As some of you point out, he is still a boy! He is under 18, in fact only recently 17 and only finished exams in the summer. It makes me sick that he has been sat in front of this teacher in his school uniform since 11... and now she is messaging him suggestively. WTF would she want with him? I really can't understand that.

The only thing that does make me slightly uneasy as it really is a coincidence I saw these messages. He never leaves his phone at home and I would never usually think about looking on it. It just so happened that I stumbled across it and saw. Which makes me think, normally I would have never seen them and would never have known about it! Also, I don't know how many more messages have been sent or if it is continuing sexually now. Argh!!!

OP posts:
FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 16:12

It's a matter for professional conduct at the worst as it stands but I seriously doubt there will be an interest in a one off conversation with a ex pupil. It's not a criminal offence unless it happened while he was under age and I have no idea why she would want to speak to a horny teenager in the first place!

loveka · 23/12/2018 16:14

Go straight to the school, your son will beg you not to.

Even for the teachers sake you need to do this. She can keep her job maybe if she stops now.

If it goes to a panel then the evidence has to be available and your son called as a witness. If she stops now then this could be prevented.

FlashByReputation · 23/12/2018 16:15

OP just Talk to your son, making assumptions will send you mad, just talk to him.

loveka · 23/12/2018 16:19

Flash, it is nothing to do with a criminal offence. Totally separate issue.

It is safeguarding.

Other examples, as you don't understand the concept-

It is a safeguarding issue to spend time alone with a pupil/pupils at an after school club.

It is a safeguarding issue to meet a pupil alone outside school.

Neither of these are criminal offences.

It is not a criminal offence to send messages to a 17 year old, but it is misconduct.

Jenny17 · 23/12/2018 16:20

It's a matter for professional conduct at the worst as it stands but I seriously doubt there will be an interest in a one off conversation with a ex pupil

Wrong. Until this is investigated we don not know how far it has gone and when thus all started. This woman might be starting predatory behaviour and could go for younger boys next time. It might be found that this teacher has been doing this or worse with other boys that might still be in school.

I've already posted up thread of a teacher that was banned over a relationship with an ex pupil. The sexual relationship started whilst he was at university.

This type of behaviour from teachers is no longer condoned and quite rightly.

BatCakes · 23/12/2018 16:24

Are you going to apologise for calling posters 'cretins' @FlashByReputation when it's you who's got it wrong?

OP - I wouldn't panic just yet but take steps as soon as you're able to to nip this in the bud. I'd personally talk to my son and then report to the school - or rather, I'd do both at the same time, I wouldn't be talking to him with a view to not reporting. I'd be talking to him to try and get him to see how wrong this is.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 23/12/2018 16:28

My old job was in teacher regulation, investigating misconduct allegations. If the contact only started after your DS left the school, then it would not, on its own, reach the bar for prohibition, which is the only sanction possible. He is no longer at the school and is over the age of consent. She no longer has any duty of care towards, or safeguarding responsibilities towards, a former pupil. It may be unpalatable, but there it is.

If this was suggestive of a pattern of predatory behaviour, then it would be different. If she had approached him whilst a pupil, or underage, or she has previously had an inappropriate relationship with another boy who was either under the age of consent or a pupil, it would be treated differently, but the allegations in respect of your ds would be disregarded if contact started after he left school.

APositiveMind · 23/12/2018 16:30

I don't understand this who teacher pupil thingy the age if consent is there. Yes they have a duty of care, but they aren't endangering them?
He's 17 and she's mid 20's, so if she had a different profession would you still be upset?
Baffle me. I'd date a teacher, had I been attracted to any if them but the only mildly good looking one was married.. damn!

Crudd · 23/12/2018 16:31

At the least, the teacher sounds like a real creep. Rotten situation for you OP.

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 23/12/2018 16:32

This is monumentally stupid and unprofessional of this teacher.

She’s been teaching him since he was 11! Even when they are in their mid twenties, kids I’ve taught are always kids I’ve taught. I would never ever think of them sexually; I know it isn’t illegal but it is wrong. All teachers I know would say the same.

She would absolutely lose her job at my school for messaging a recent ex pupil like this and quite rightly. It calls her boundaries with young people into question.

I’m usually a woolly, “grey area/wiggle room” type but not on this issue.

moredoll · 23/12/2018 16:35

He's 17 and she's mid 20's, so if she had a different profession would you still be upset?

It's an issue because she's his ex-teacher. She's in a 'position of trust".

APositiveMind · 23/12/2018 16:37

Why report it to the school?
He doesn't attend school anymore
He's of age
I can imagine your son being pretty upset with you when you report her.
Their both young and legal. There is nothing wrong with what's going on.

APositiveMind · 23/12/2018 16:39

@moredoll.

So what if she meets someone who is also 17 but was at at different school? Is she justnnevrr allowed to date anyone younger than her for the pure fact they was once a student?
Or what if the former pupil was older than her? But they attended the school X number of years ago? Still once a pupil, not anymore.
She has a duty of trust to the children she is currently teaching

Haggisfish · 23/12/2018 16:40

As many teachers have already posted, it may well be the teacher started grooming while at school or may have the potential to groom others. There are previous similar cases where the law has clearly found teachers still to be held as being in a position of authority agree such a short time, and hence be found to have behaved in a very unprofessional manner and banned from teaching. That is why it needs reporting.

Hmmmbiscuits · 23/12/2018 16:42

I wouldn't be happy. I would imagine that as your teacher met him as a child and would have been deemed to be a vulnerable person due to age and your teacher in a position of trust, there would be something in her contract against this.

I would be dubious about someone in their mid-20's flirting with someone just out of school too.