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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS messaging ex teacher

231 replies

mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 01:49

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

OP posts:
moredoll · 23/12/2018 02:36

I think that implicit in that is that the teacher is currently the young person's teacher.

I don't think it is implicit. Not in that summary anyway. I read it as a person in the position of trust should not have sex with a person under the age of 18.

DonkeyHotei · 23/12/2018 02:38

Love the idiots that report everything wonder if they were the ones that told tales on everyone when they were at school.

Jeezo Maryjoyce. So you think wanting to keep the site free from somebody who is basically having a wank-fest over a fantasy of a girl, possibly - horrifically - a child, in their underwear doing PE equates to tattletales?!

MawkishTwaddle · 23/12/2018 02:41

Safeguarding training in the school
I worked at stipulated that teachers should wait until seven years have passed before embarking on any sort of personal relationship with an ex-student. I think it said five years before adding on social media.

Government guidelines are that teachers should use their judgement, but schools have their own interpretations and guidelines for this.

So this teacher could be skating on thin ice with regards to her job. I wouldn’t be at all happy. Her boundaries are clearly dodgy, and I’d be having a word with the HT.

irenaballerina · 23/12/2018 02:44

wtf @ItIsTimeForChristmas Confused

BrendasUmbrella · 23/12/2018 02:47

It might be an idea to talk to your son first before entertaining the idea of talking to the school. Getting communication from the school would be a pretty hideous way for him to find out you've been reading his private messages.

For what it's worth I do think she's out of line if she's flirting with him, and unprofessional. But talk to your DS first before you think about doing anything else.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 02:55

Why do you think your son wouldn’t go to clubs OP?

Maryjoyce · 23/12/2018 02:58

Nspcc website is more clear and says the teacher must not be currently teaching the child so in that way it means it’s ok as he’s over 16 and left school

Espanio · 23/12/2018 02:59

The legal age to get into a nightclub is 18 - so why wouldn’t she think that?
And nightclubs are very strict

moredoll · 23/12/2018 02:59

Getting communication from the school would be a pretty hideous way for him to find out you've been reading his private messages.

Or you could, you know, speak to the school in confidence.

moredoll · 23/12/2018 03:14

Nspcc website is more clear and says the teacher must not be currently teaching the child so in that way it means it’s ok as he’s over 16 and left school

But there's this case, for example;
www.express.co.uk/news/uk/560254/Teacher-25-who-has-sex-with-ex-pupil-banned-from-profession

Maryjoyce · 23/12/2018 03:27

Yes I see the report though it seems like just a couple weeks after school ended there relationship began so I guess the interpretation was that they maybe thought it had begun while he was at school still.
I also would say i bet it depends on if the parents kick up a big fuss or not.and what area of the country you live as no matter how our law is meant to be equal it for sure isn’t.

Maryjoyce · 23/12/2018 03:31

Personally I think the teacher is wrong though

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/12/2018 03:38

Grooming laws apply up to the age of 18 regardless of age of consent and apply to adults entering into contact with someone under the age of 18 with a view to abuse or exploit them. Given your son has only recently left school, I’d be concerned that her interest in him pre-dates him leaving. In any event her prior knowledge of him makes him vulnerable to grooming.

I’d be contacting the school and social work departments and let them investigate. If she’s doing nothing wrong there’s nothing to worry about but I doubt that’s the case. At very least her behaviour is ethically questionable.

Bloodyfucksake · 23/12/2018 03:52

How flirty are the messages? Is the flirtiness coming from her or your DS? I'd take this into account before speaking to the school. If she's doing the leading, then Yes, it's not ok.

kateandme · 23/12/2018 03:59

do people think its different after sixth form?

coppercolouredtop · 23/12/2018 04:01

at 17 i was engaged. married at 19. 2 kids by 25. if i were your 17 year old son i would be pretty pissed off that my mum was snooping through my phone tbh.

leave it be. its up to them. he is almost an adult officially and she isnt that much older if mid 20s. he is not her pupil. she is not his teacher.
you are overstepping the mark as his mum.

i say this as the parent of a 21 and 27 year old. its not as if she is grooming him and he is not her pupil. its flirty messages! he could be messaging any number of women - are you going to vet them too?

MyOtherProfile · 23/12/2018 04:03

I would call the school and ask if they have a policy about teachers and ex pupils.

The teacher is being really stupid.

BalloonSlayer · 23/12/2018 04:07

I thought the recommendation was that if you work in a school you don't befriend someone on social media till 2 years after they have left the school (assuming normal leaving ages of 16 or 18, obviously doesn't apply if a stidentify moves school age 13)

BalloonSlayer · 23/12/2018 04:08

Student!

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 23/12/2018 04:12

@Espanio nightclubs aren't always strict on ID.

@coppercoloredtop you are presuming the OP's son is as mature as you were when you were 17. Also the law has changed since then so certain relationships which were seen as dodgy 20 years ago are now legally unacceptable.

And OP as a PP said, talk to your son first before notifying the school. Unfortunately the school do need to be notified as the teacher should know to stay well clear of under 18 year olds especially ex-pupils.

jessstan2 · 23/12/2018 04:22

This thread has certainly moved on a bit :-). Talking about grooming and contacting the school

The op said her son and his ex teacher swapped 'flirty' texts. They may be quite innocent, we don't know what was said. We all interpret things differently. OP can you remember the wording of the texts and give us a synopsis? Not because of nosiness but we are impartial and we might reach a different conclusion.

poppoppop100 · 23/12/2018 04:28

The term 'Flirting' could cover a multitude of sins.depends on share they actuslly say.
I don't think you should be policing a 17 yr old s share media

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 23/12/2018 05:18

I would report (am a child protection social worker). This would potentially be a Position of Trust issue dependent on the content. It is inappropriate for a teacher to be sending flirty messages to a child (legally as U18.) even if they've left the school now. Quite surprised by the responses here and also wonder if people would taking a different position if the genders were reversed.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 05:26

Not all nightclubs are 18 espanio. Have you been to a city before? 😂Many people would rather their kids were in nightclubs/music venues than hanging round bus shelters.

MyOtherProfile · 23/12/2018 09:19

Well said @Tinkeytonkoldfruit

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