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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS messaging ex teacher

231 replies

mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 01:49

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 23/12/2018 09:25

This is creepy. He may be over the age of consent and an ex student but he is still a child. The school should be informed.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 23/12/2018 09:36

What do you me a by flirty messages? Can we have an example?

It could be totally innocent or it could be sinister. We need more info but really you should speak to your son.

Pieceofpurplesky · 23/12/2018 09:37

It all depends on the context

Pachyderm1 · 23/12/2018 09:39

Its still really inappropriate of the teacher. She’s several years older than him and until recently was an authority figure in his life. How is that an equal relationship?!

op I actually would talk to the school. This teacher clearly doesn’t understand appropriate boundaries and that means she is also a risk to pupils at the school.

Original poster
mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 10:28

Thx for all replies. So sorry I went to bed!

Examples of the messages, I can't fully remember word for word but it started off with her messaging him to see how he was getting on etc... Then there were lots of messages with ;) winking faces, including stuff like "you always were my favourite ;). There was also one where she said she was going to bed and he said he wished he was there, and she replied a winking face! Urgh this is actually making me feel sick to type. There was nothing worse than that, but it was DEFINITELY flirtatious.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumanator7 · 23/12/2018 10:29

I would say she initiated it but he jumped on it and then was perhaps more suggestive...

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 10:30

I think it crosses a line. She’s been his teacher, which comes with responsibilities and a duty of care. I’d be extremely unhappy with this!

LokiBear · 23/12/2018 10:35

You need to report this. She is in breech of safeguarding and behaving so innapropriately. I am a teacher of 13 years and I can't be facebook friends with my friends adult daughter because I taught her. To be honest, I feel that is absolutely right. I exhange lots of emails with past and present pupils through my official school account where all of my emails are monitored. This teacher has crossed a line.

Isth · 23/12/2018 10:37

Personally I wouldn’t be too happy but I don’t think you have much grounds to complain. He’s over the age of consent, he’s no longer her student and it doesn’t appear to be her grooming him.
That being said, I did tell my former maths teacher I wanted to fuck him at our results party, 3 months or so after we left school. I was 18, and he was probably 28. We messaged back and forth for a while but he’d already left to go travelling, alas 😂
I’d be fuming with you for reading my private messages if I were him tho, not really on, OP.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 23/12/2018 10:38

Yeah I think that has crossed a line too. I think you need to speak to your ds and then report to the school.

DumbledoresApprentice · 23/12/2018 10:40

This is totally wrong. If a member of staff at my school was exchanging flirty and suggestive messages with a 17 year old ex student (2 years younger than some of our Sixth Formers!!) our DSL would have a fit. This teacher does not seem to understand appropriate professional boundaries and IMO needs to face disciplinary action. I would report it to the headteacher without a second thought in your position. If I found out that one of my colleagues was doing this I’d be in my HT’s office to report it immediately.
I’m past the age where I give a shit about being called a tatte-take. Hmm

DumbledoresApprentice · 23/12/2018 10:40

Tattle-tale

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/12/2018 10:42

It's dodgy....

She is in a position of trust....

He is still a minor even though no longer t school.

Different laws apply to people in positions of trust...

They cannot be sure that she did not groom him whilst still at school.

Coronapop · 23/12/2018 10:48

The teacher is the adult in this situation and she is behaving both inappropriately and unprofessionally. Personally I would point this out to her before reporting to school, but making clear that if she continues to exchange messages with your son you will inform school. It would probably be wise to let your son know that it is inappropriate and that you are telling her this because otherwise he may find out from her.

GreyBlueCar · 23/12/2018 10:49

Emmanuel Macron and his teacher

ClaryFray · 23/12/2018 11:00

Sadly the professional side is gone, he is no longer a pupil. She has no duty of care over him. I can't see what a girl of 20 odd would want in a boy of 17.

Are you sure its flirty?

It's it obvious? Or do you think your reading it a certain way?

llangennith · 23/12/2018 11:00

He's left school so she is no longer 'his' teacher but merely 'a' teacher.
If you must interfere speak to your son about the wisdom of his behaviour and how it might affect her career if someone spiteful decides they want to make trouble for her.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 23/12/2018 11:04

She initiated it? Shock Good God. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I would be sitting my ds down and having a serious word with him about it. Asking where he thought it was going, pointing out the potential implications for her career, the blurring of boundaries, the impact of the age difference (which at that age is still substantial IMO - 17yos seemed very young when I was 24 or 25). Any further steps I took would depend on the outcome of that talk.

Haggisfish · 23/12/2018 11:04

I would report to school. Ask to speak to designated child protection officer. Even if it’s just to tell them to keep an extra eye out on the teacher. It is still inappropriate as he’s under 18.

PrivateVasquez · 23/12/2018 11:05

It's dodgy. Especially stuff like "you were always my favourite". Implying she liked him BEFORE he was 17. So she could like other under-17s in the future too. Definitely not right.

As an aside, I would never read my 17 year old child's private phone messages. He's old enough to deserve full privacy in that regard in my opinion. Maybe something to think about in the future.

Jingledalltheway · 23/12/2018 11:07

I haven't read past your post. Why are you reading a 17 year olds messages? Mind your own business.

Chosennone · 23/12/2018 11:09

hmmmm I wouldn't want the teacher reported over this tbh. It is unprofessional and dodgy but the fact he is nearly an adult and she is in her 20s doesn't seem as bad as if he was younger. She would get in a lot of trouble over what was possibly tipsy I'll thought out banter.
I have reported a teacher who sent dic pics to an ex student who was still only 16. Obviously that was more overt and obvious.

Effic · 23/12/2018 11:11

OMG! Absolutely can not believe the responses on here!! This is what grooming is fgs! It is absolutely unacceptable for a teacher to groom a student to the point that she has it set up that one month after the student leaves school, there is now the potential that they will meet up and there is any suggestion whatsoever that they may have any sexual relationships.
Typical sex bias here - if the sexes were reversed, they’d be uproar.

Op - report immediately to school safeguarding lead. This would be against 99% of schools’ conduct policy and disciplinary action should be taken.

greenlanes · 23/12/2018 11:15

The problem llangennith with your approach is that, although it seems reasonable and low-key, it doesnt make sure that this person, currently working as a teacher in a school, understands properly KCSIE.