DS messaging ex teacher

[mumanator7]

Ds left school in the summer and has been messaging on instagram an ex teacher of his. He is 17 and she must be mid 20s. I know this because he left his phone home while going out one day and messages came up, I know it's bad but recognised her name and read them. Started off innocent about how he was getting on now but have turned quite flirtatious. Obviously I am massively concerned about this. AIBU to message the school saying this young teacher is flirting with my DS who has only just left school months ago? Or is it none of my business now he has left, and perfectly legal? Really not sure of rules on this!

School safe guarding yes. However are you sure the messages are flirty? Not just daft?

Why on earth would you read your nearly adult child's phone messages. What a huge invasion of privacy.

They are flirty on instagram messages - is hardly sex. I would have the convo with him, he is old enough to understand the position he is potentially putting her in (only because he is the person you have contact with)

If he is not meeting up with her I wouldn't push it too hard.

Age of consent is 16 she is not in a position of trust with regard to your child anymore - although it becomes a grey area with her still teaching etc. But as I say if she is only flirting on insta then really none of your business

For pps asking about me reading his messages. Yes I agree it is invading his privacy and I feel bad about it. As I explained, he had left his phone on hallway side and gone out, I had picked it up to put it in his room while tidying, and messages flashed up. I recognised her name from being his teacher and thought wtf and opened the messages. I know I shouldn't have looked but it was due to concerns exactly as others are saying, that this woman had potentially be grooming my son, could do it to other kids, and why would she be messaging him! He is 17 FFS, she will have other students in the sixth form who are his age!

Hmmm....I can see that this seems wrong on the teachers part - in a couple of years, fine but right now it’s dodgy.

That said, let’s be real here - your son has the chance to be a legend amongst his friends if he pulls this off. If I was him I’d be pretty pissed off if you got involved.

Difficult one.

I think it’s unacceptable, especially since she tracked him down and initiated the contact. Also, the context of the texts: she was teaching him 6 months ago and now she’s making references to wishing he was with her in bed? I would speak to the school.

Definitely seek advice from the head teacher / school safeguarding lead. I would be very surprised if they did not have a policy indicating that this is inappropriate behaviour. If I were the head teacher I would be very concerned.

It’s not ok. It’s a grooming issue. Any school I have worked at has had clear policies and this is a sackable offence. Teachers have safeguarding drilled into them; everyone who works in education knows how serious this is. I am horrified that adults on here would discourage safeguarding reports as ‘telling tales’. I have seen the fallout of teachers becoming inappropriately involved with teenagers and it’s never, ever ok. Report her, without question, before she ends up in even worse trouble than she will be based on this. If she has sat through all of her safeguarding training and still is reckless enough to do this, she shouldn’t be teaching.

When I was leaving school you had to wait 5 years until you could add ex teachers on social media.

I did add ex teachers straight away though when I was taught by them after 18.

I can completely get why it's a bit creepy but as he's not currently a student and he's not a child it would be a bit pretentious to get involved.

It's totally wrong. I was one of the posters asking how bad the flirting was, but at any mention of him saying he wished he was in her bed and her winking is wrong. Messages should go this far. If it was me (and I'm a teacher and a mum) I would report.

You have a responsibility to report. Maybe there side nothing but inappropriate messages to your son but this teacher does have the normal boundaries and needs to be investigated to ensure future pupils are safe.

For people wondering why a 20 something is messaging a teenager should really look up recent cases of teacher bedding their pupils. They really felt there was nothing wrong. One even went on Dr Phil. 29 yr teacher with 17 yr pupil

Teacher has crossed a massive line, this is completely inappropriate and she is putting her career at risk.
As PP have pointed out, she was his teacher 6 months ago. She is possibly still teaching other children his age. The messages sound flirty and tongue-in-cheek, but she initiated the contact and also sounds like she's waiting for your DS to be the one to suggest meeting up.
Teachers, both male and female, have lost jobs for this.

I think it depends at what age she started teaching him too.

Solely whilst he was 16/17 I'd not find it so creepy if from 12 I'd find that pretty grim.

She's a predator like Brigitte Macron. She shouldn't be teaching. Responses would be different if she was a man and the OP's DS was a girl. Of course OP shouldn't have read the messages but what's done is done.

I think you're pretty naive to assume your 17 year old son won't be in a position where he could be meeting a woman in her twenties. If not a club then a pub, general social activities in your area - bowling, roller skating, meet and mingle groups for young people.

Unfortunately with modern social media methods we have to guide our children more appropriately. Gone are the days when you have someone your number and that was the only way (other than stalking in person) to find anything else out about them.

Did your son give the woman his Instagram name or did she find him through tagging etc?

At 17 I don't think your son is any less complicit in the teacher's messages, especially if he is replying with suggestive comments like wishing he was in bed with her. However, I would suspect that this is likely to be teen bravado rather than actual intent.

Ultimately, talk to your son and explain why the messages from both of them really aren't appropriate at the moment. Use what you learn from that conversation to guide your next steps - ie son tells you he and teacher have been Instagram followers since school days, not appropriate and further undertones of grooming behaviour. Decide whether to approach teacher in the first instance and advise her to cease contact or you will be letting the school know, or go straight to the school without giving the warning.

If he says they've only recently been in touch then advise your son that it might not be an entirely appropriate friendship at this stage due to her recent teaching of him and advise him to put a stop to the flirty chat and if the teacher then continues, follow appropriate route.

(Ex) teacher here. I would have grave doubts about the teacher's common sense; your ds may have left school but, at 17, he doubtless still has friends there and ANY relationship would blur boundaries to an unacceptable point. I'd talk to ds and say that she is putting herself in an unprofessional position and there's no future in carrying on. She SHOULD end contact and if she doesn't then he should.

I'm fairly confident this will be a breach of the school's policy (I'm a teacher) - and for good reason. It's completely inappropriate and stupid. Your son is 17 and as his former (very recent) teacher, she is still very much in a position of trust and influence, so this is potentially grooming.

I think you need to speak to your son and then report it to the school. Ideally you need to keep a record of the messages. They will be concerned that a) she initiated it and b) she hasn't stopped his suggestive flirtations. There may be an explanation for it - perhaps her flat mate was having a joke at her expense? Perhaps she just needs more safeguarding training? - but you can't take risks with these sorts of things. Better it's investigated than not.

I think you're pretty naive to assume your 17 year old son won't be in a position where he could be meeting a woman in her twenties.

Other women in their twenties won't have had a legal duty of care towards him.

Report it to the school, she’s in a position of trust and has a duty of care, both of which she has breached. I’d ask the school what their social media policy/code of conduct is as well for staff as she’s most likely breached that as well by being in contact with an ex pupil via social media (especially one who’s legally still a child).

Its up to him! 16 is the legal age of consent, and as he is 17 and he is no longer her pupil, they can do whatever they please. You are probably going to be unhappy about it, but he is almost an adult. The teacher isn't doing anything wrong either as once again, he is no longer her pupil.

Is his name Macron?

For those saying speak to DS, he will be rightly furious I have read his messages, I think it will do a lot of damage to our relationship. I am wondering about msging the teacher myself on instagram (not on his account!) and asking her to cut contact with him and say if she doesn't I will report her to the school as she is breaching safeguarding. And asking her to cut it now before hurting my DS further. Is that a really bad idea?? (I also don't know if there have been further messages since I read them a few of days ago, I am not going to look at his phone again!)

I think I would be more inclined to report it to the school DSL/Head rather than engage with the teacher herself. It will be investigated confidentially.
There's too much potential for a blow up with contacting T directly. "What have you said to your mum?!?" as a parting message, for example.

As long as there is no evidence of any inappropriate behaviour/relationship prior to the pupil leaving school, and the teacher is not breaching her school policy on relationships, the son is above the age of consent and therefore the situation becomes a moral dilemma rather than an illegal act.

In @Haggisfish, example, there is clear evidence of a potential relationship prior to the end of school with the events that occurred at the leavers ball.

Position of trust in schools applies where the teacher and pupil are both at the same school still. The teacher can have a relationship with a 17 year old who attends another school and there will be no legal ramifications.

The teacher is no longer in a position to be able to abuse her power over the son, because he is no longer a pupil.

It boils down to whether it's socially acceptable or not.

I agree it might be unsavoury. It might have ramifications for the teacher and her career. But it's not actually illegal.

I agree you should report it to the school. Those messages are inappropriate. The fact she’s implying she thought about him like that when he was a pupil comes across as a bit predatory to me. Is she viewing her workplace as a place to pick up dates?

For all those saying it’s none of her business, he’s an adult, there’s no duty of care etc - how about if it was your son? Would you be happy if you found out your son was in the same situation? Would you be describing your 17 yr old as a grown up? Most of the reason these laws/rules exist is because 17 yr olds are impressionable and vulnerable. It is up to the actual grown up to lead on this, by upholding the rules.

How sure can you be that the grooming didn’t start when the child was at school? I’d argue that, as they met at school, the relationship isn’t appropriate for this reason.