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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say that female on male violence is unacceptable too...

168 replies

matthayes76 · 23/12/2018 01:15

Hey,

Hoping some of you guys can shed some light on whether I’m being the monster my partner suggests I am.

We were having a chat and it came out that a woman we know has been punching her husband during arguments.

I was pretty shocked and saddened but my partner dismissed it as not being as bad as if it was the other way round.

That attitude really blew me away.

As far as I’m concerned the violent impulse to hurt and cause physical pain during an argument can never be accepted. Irrespective of the size or sex of the person, we need to use reason and discussion to resolve our differences rather than resorting to violence and intimidation.

Am I being unreasonable?

Would really appreciate some feedback 👍🏻

😬

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 23/12/2018 01:16

I don’t think you’d find many people who would disagree.

Lovingbenidorm · 23/12/2018 01:17

All physical violence is unacceptable.

AGHHHH · 23/12/2018 01:17

Of course YANBU, violence is violence. Unacceptable no matter who is doing it.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 01:19

2 women die EVERY WEEK in the UK from male violence. So it's bad, and abusive, and illegal and he should be supported to leave. It's not as dangerous as the huge, terrifying social issue that male violence is.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/12/2018 01:20

Of course it’s unacceptable but who would say it isn’t?

The reason people focus more on male violence more than female violence isn’t because female violence is less awful but because it’s less frequent.

Original poster
matthayes76 · 23/12/2018 01:41

Thanks for replying Rita.

She feels that it’s less unacceptable than male violence as women are generally smaller than men and therefore less robust but I feel it all stems from volatile and irrational place.

Irrespective of whether you have the bigger gun or the smaller gun, using the gun is wrong.

OP posts:
charis · 23/12/2018 01:57

It's unacceptable in a loving relationship, yes. And a crime, relationship or not. Rightly. Disrespectful and awful. But realistically the consequences are different. My partner is a foot taller than me and works outside all day doing a hard physical job lifting things etc. He can get the hot water going by thumping the boiler in a way that I just can't. I could throw my hardest punch at him and it would be like a five year old doing it to me. If he decided to lash out it would be devastating.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 02:25

All violence is wrong.

But it's not all the same.

Just ask Natalie Connolly.

curiousierandcouriser · 23/12/2018 02:42

I remember seeing a social experiment on YouTube where a group filmed a girl hitting/pushing a guy and then vice versa. People around were laughing in the first instance and very quickly intervened in the second.

Traditionally, men have held more power than women and are generally stronger so the consequences have been more severe.

But yes, any violence is wrong and YANBU to say this. The relationship sounds disfunctional and the woman should take some anger managment / communication classes.

charis · 23/12/2018 02:43

I don't think I will ever forget Natalie. Or the man who got away with her murder.

SleightOfMind · 23/12/2018 03:13

Violence, aggression or abuse from the person you hope to build a life with is devastating.
Whether you are male or female.

Any friend of yours who is suffering DV needs your support.

Men who are victims of brutality in the home are a minority who especially need the support of other men. It must be incredibly isolating.
How do you know he’s being punched during arguments? If he confided in you, as a friend, then you have a huge responsibility to help him.

Your girlfriend is right about the bigger picture though.
Every single day, women and children are slaughtered by the men they live with.

Men are much more at risk from each other than the from the women in their lives.

Big statistics shouldn’t mean you don’t care about your friend but your GF is definitely NBU.

Shriek · 23/12/2018 03:24

Your dp needs a head wobble
Violence is violence and I find it hard to beloveds that you really think that violence against men is in anyway OK, or more OK that men on women

Having said that, 3-4 women being murdered weekly, for like ever, is a massive gendered violence issue, and maybe thats what she was referring to when saying worse that doesn't count the children murdered by male violence either

Andromeida59 · 23/12/2018 07:24

The average of women dying per week in the UK is 2.
It's approx 30 men a year.
Male on female DV is 1 in 4.
Female on Male is 1 in 6.
LGBT relationships is also 1 in 4.
In trans relationships it's 1 in 2.

DV is an epidemic IMHO. Violence is violence. It is exactly your partner's attitude why more men don't seek help.

It is more m to f that is more predominant. It takes an average of 35 incidents before a female victim involves the police. For men, I think it's 15.

Anyone experiencing DV should seek help regardless of gender. The Police also have a lot to learn in terms of how they treat male victims (Not saying they treat female victims well but they are now more responsive).

brighteyeowl17 · 23/12/2018 07:48

This is interesting as me and my hubby were talking about it recently. A girl at his work was drunk at the works do and walked up to one of the guys and slapped him across the face on both sides sonhard rhat eveyone in the bar turned around to look. She laughed and walked off. She then smashed another one on the face with her (large) handbag and made his nose bleed. When asked about it when sober she laughed and said I was drunk, no apology or anything. She’s known for being volatile and has openly said she destroyed her new kitchen ones because her fiancée apparently annoyed her and led us to wondering if she hits him too, if she will punch colleagues for no reason. But the situation also made us wonder why this sort of behavior is ok for a female but not a male. If a man claimed to be drunk and hit a girl it wouldn’t be ok, so why for a female?

topcat2014 · 23/12/2018 08:19

@brighteyeowl17 can't see that being ok myself.

Not sure the employer would be too pleased either.
If they are actually paying for the meal, that could bring her behaviour into the remit of the employer.

masterandmargarita · 23/12/2018 08:26

It's all wrong but I think male violence is worse purely because it's more intimidating and more likely to do real harm. Who's going to come out worse between a 6'5 guy and a 5'5 woman? And the gun analogy is wrong - both guns can kill, a small woman can't kill a large man with her hands

Pumperthepumper · 23/12/2018 08:26

I don’t understand this OP, why does your partner think you’re a monster?

BigFarmer · 23/12/2018 08:26

I hate it when I have scripted fake arguments with my partner and then go onto forums to goad with my straw men.

We just play monopoly at Christmas now. Much easier.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 23/12/2018 08:28

I do understand what you mean about female on male violence being laughed at rather than reviled.

But to say that this is the reason men don’t come forward misses the point that, as a PP pointed up thread, male victims of DV are more likely to go to the police than female victims.

It also ignores the fact that the reason female on male violence is mocked on the media is because it is the “emasculation” of the man which is considered funny. It is the equivalent and pointing and laughing and saying “haha! Beaten by a girl!!”.

Which is essentially misogynistic and it is usually men who laugh at other men for being brought down by a girl, not women, and most definitely not feminists.

The other reason that it’s laughed at on the media is because it is not as prevalent as MTF violence, possibly because at any given point there is a case in the media about a woman or girl who’s been raped, murdered or is missing so it’s not going to be seen as funny.

Sarahjconnor · 23/12/2018 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidenMotherCrone · 23/12/2018 08:34

A family member is abused by his wife. He’s a broken shadow of the person he used to be.
She is an Instagram mummy, always posting pics of their amazing life complete with fucking inspirational quotes. In every pic his there is no light or life in his eyes.

TeddybearBaby · 23/12/2018 08:40

I’m not even so sure it’s that uncommon tbh but there’s probably a lot who view it the same as your husband.

I think the difference is the amount of damage that can be caused. I’m 5ft3 and not very strong if I’m honest. My husband is very fit and around 6ft. He’d probably laugh if I hit him, or just restrain me. Although if he hit me he could kill me.

I completely agree with you. Double standards to not be outraged by it.

MsVestibule · 23/12/2018 08:41

@brighteyeowl17 what did her employer do about it?

OP, no, female violence is not acceptable. However, as others have said, the consequences are generally not as dangerous for men as they are for women.

What support have you offered your friend?

tuttifritti · 23/12/2018 08:43

Agree it's unacceptable.

I find it shocking at the end of Frozen when Anna sucker punches Prince Hans for comic effect. Could you imagine how disturbing it t would be the other way around? The idea that female on male violence is somehow trivial and funny is still out there.

Joey7t8 · 23/12/2018 08:44

@brighteyeowl17 She should’ve been sacked for that. Work functions are considered to fall within ‘the course of employment’, and assault is definitely a gross misconduct offence.