to say that female on male violence is unacceptable too...

[matthayes76]

Hey,

Hoping some of you guys can shed some light on whether I’m being the monster my partner suggests I am.

We were having a chat and it came out that a woman we know has been punching her husband during arguments.

I was pretty shocked and saddened but my partner dismissed it as not being as bad as if it was the other way round.

That attitude really blew me away.

As far as I’m concerned the violent impulse to hurt and cause physical pain during an argument can never be accepted. Irrespective of the size or sex of the person, we need to use reason and discussion to resolve our differences rather than resorting to violence and intimidation.

Am I being unreasonable?

Would really appreciate some feedback 👍🏻

😬

goodnessidontknow, only around nine Men a year have been killed by Female Partners.

Around 100 Men a year are killed in DV attacks, but these are from Male Partners.

The figures are now going to be skewed because of self identification. Which is dangerous.

As I said, it's dangerous to minimise Male Violence. Which has happened since we made laws.

"I think in general violence against anyone smaller than the aggressor is worse"

It's not about being smaller. Men are stronger, have different skeletons and muscle distribution. I couldn't fight a Man 'smaller' than me.

Likewise once boys hit puberty, they shouldn't fight/hit Girls.

Also, Women are more vulnerable when pregnant, after Birth and when children are around.

Of course any violence is wrong and illegal. All Punching is wrong. However courts evaluate the amount of damage done and of course usually men do more damage then a woman. This is due to physical increased stature/strength/hormones/different conditioning. The result is high numbers of male on female violence. Also a much larger proportion of men in prison and women killed at the hands of men.

I find the OP slightly confused so let me check I've understood;

OP is shocked by friends violence towards her male partner.
OP's partner has said female on male violence is not as bad as male on female violence.
OP disagrees with her partner.
OP's partner says OP is a monster

I don't know why OP's partner thinks she is a monster or what OP wants from this thread. I don't think anyone thinks domestic violence is ok.
Male violence presents a greater risk to women.
That doesn't mean its ok to dismiss other forms of violence.

It's not about being smaller. Men are stronger, have different skeletons and muscle distribution. I couldn't fight a Man 'smaller' than me.

And being the victim is not always about being weaker/smaller. Defending yourself from attack is not easy unless you're prepared to hurt the person attacking you, which was a line I was never willing to cross

The emotional hurt is as bad as the physical, whatever the sex/gender. And the destruction of the person inside is probably the same.

Women can certainly be emotionally and psychologically abusive to men, which is equally dreadful.

No amount of abuse in a relationship is acceptable.

Women can also be physically abusive to men and although the violent impulse is condemnable I just do not agree that a woman is capable of inflicting the same level of harm on a man. My husband is a foot taller than me and weighs almost twice as much. If I punched him, it would hardly register. If he punched me, he could potentially kill me.

When men physically abuse women they do it from a place of power and control. To go about the world, knowing that you can easily kill a woman with your bare hands is an intoxicating power trip for some men I think.

When women physically attack men, with rare exceptions, they do it in retaliation to being controlled. To try to escape abuse or rebut it.

Two women every week are killed by men - usually partners or ex partners. The threat and danger is very real.

To draw false comparisons like that just deflects from the real issue.

Disingenuous twaddle

I cant see that the emotional impact of a smaller woman slapping a larger man is the same as a man punching a woman in the face. They are not equal.

I agree with many on here that generally men will do more damage due to their larger frame and, as a man, the history of violence against women really upsets and saddens me.

When I was young I witnessed my father being abusive towards my mother and I swore I’d never behave that way when I grew up however, perhaps because I witnessed that kind of violence, I feel it must be a blanket statement that violence and physical intimidation towards anybody is completely wrong.

Incidentally, she hit him in his throat and he struggled to breath so it isn’t necessarily about size - hence the gun analogy.

A relatively innocuous push can cause a trip which can cause a fall and a serious head injury.

Knives from the kitchen drawer aren’t concerned by the size of someone’s frame, as peoples skin is the same thickness irrespective of their size and once violence in the home starts the trip to the drawer becomes shorter with each fight.

I cant see that the emotional impact of a smaller woman slapping a larger man is the same as a man punching a woman in the face. They are not equal.

Ever been slapped about by someone who "loves" you? The physical damage was not the problem

Disingenuous twaddle

My post or the OP’s?

Men are mostly bigger and stronger than women, but that won't always be the case in a relationship.

And it is always wrong to be violent to your loved ones, whatever your relative sizes.

I still don’t understand why your partner thinks you’re a monster OP, why did she call you that?

It’s funny how nowadays we’re expected to believe:

Women inflict injuries equally easily as men can- no physical differences between us really.

The emotional hurt of dv is equal to the hurt of being killed.

Do you mean to be suggesting these things or is it you haven’t thought it through?

Violence is the killer and violence needs to be condemned in all areas irrespective of the guise it takes.

Tutti, totally agree. I watched The Holiday yesterday and one of the lead characters punches her cheating boyfriend in the face, knocking him out. It really put me off watching the rest of the film.

Thinking that female on male violence is any less awful is sexist. And stupid.

*I hate it when I have scripted fake arguments with my partner and then go onto forums to goad with my straw men.

We just play monopoly at Christmas now. Much easier.*

Have to agree.We do trivial pursuit....this is an interesting way to pass the time.

I dont understand why OP's partner called her a monster or why she isnt tackling him about him minimizing violence.

There is a lot more male DV than we know about as men are usually less reluctant to seek help. Of course it's wrong! No type of violence is ever ever right and your friend should be highly ashamed of herself

If I ever hit my husband I'd expect him to smack me back.
Just as I'd tear him apart if he ever hit me

All violence is unacceptable.

At a bigger picture men do more damage, including fatally, than women but that doesn't mean individuals shouldn't each be helped.

If you know the guy, OP, these sources of help are out there, plus local police DV units.

www.mankind.org.uk

www.mensadviceline.org.uk

Also, I saw a woman hitting a man on a bus and I went up to, told her to stop and that it wasn't right just cos she was a girl. The boyfriend was embarrassed and said it was fine but she was slapping him around in anger and it was absolutely abuse. I have also told a man to stop shouting at his wife, the wife looked absolutely terrified. I hate seeing any type of violence and screaming at someone in public is just as bad to me.

I think it's just as unacceptable. It's all COMPLETELY unacceptable. I've known two women who physically abused their partners and who were never challenged over it. The victims just put up with it.

If you lift your hand to a male, female, child, you have lost control of yourself that is never a good thing. The husband in the op post shows huge restraint not to lash out.