to say that female on male violence is unacceptable too...

[matthayes76]

Hey,

Hoping some of you guys can shed some light on whether I’m being the monster my partner suggests I am.

We were having a chat and it came out that a woman we know has been punching her husband during arguments.

I was pretty shocked and saddened but my partner dismissed it as not being as bad as if it was the other way round.

That attitude really blew me away.

As far as I’m concerned the violent impulse to hurt and cause physical pain during an argument can never be accepted. Irrespective of the size or sex of the person, we need to use reason and discussion to resolve our differences rather than resorting to violence and intimidation.

Am I being unreasonable?

Would really appreciate some feedback 👍🏻

😬

Odd isn’t it, that when the discussion is re male on female violence, anyone who refers to female on male gets shouted down, accused of othering? Whatever.

Yet here we are and only a few posts in we have reference to male on female.

Not odd at all grill

The OP was about which is worse..with OP and partner disagreeing

Yes, I know. I read. I’m referring to responses.

Yes...so am i

In a discussion about whether female violence is as bad as male violence you surely have to mention both types otherwise it would be a bit one sided

Doesnt really matter

You think its odd, i think it isnt

Ok so where are you going with this? Christ. Have a happy Christmas eh.

Go on, you have the last word. I think you need it more.

If DV is so equal between the sexes, then how come loads of blokes aren't dying as a result of 'rough sex games gone wrong'?

In both male and female violence though it’s often not just the physical.

It tends to go hand in hand with emotional, financial and sexual abuse which is why when it escalates to physical the abused doesn’t leave straight away.

I remember one of the worst emotional bullies I know honestly didn’t believe the impact on her victims. Her exact words were “I can’t be a bully I’m only 5ft”. But years of emotional manipulation meant when she did hit her partner he basically let her. After all how could a tiny woman hurt a 6’ man?

Men are generally physically stronger, less socialised away from violence, and are therefore more likely to be able to kill or seriously injure their victims. That is the main difference.

I'm interested in hearing more about the paralells between Caroline Aherne and Jimmy Saville.

Saville was accused not of DV but of sexuallt abusing 100s if not 1000s of children over decades, with his crimes essentially covered up by entities such as the BBC, police, various children's homes and hospitals etc.

Caroline Aherne I have just found out was accused by her husband of DV after she died.

At first glance these things seem quite different so I'd really like some more insight into why Caroline Aherne has repeatedly been given equivalence to Jimmy Savile.

Thanks.

I am a bloke who was in a physically abusive relationship in my 20s. I was 6ft semi pro rugby player back then, she was a small women half my size. She was very insecure and suffered from terrible rages of jealousy that would result in her attacking me. Using my size I could parry most of the blows and keep her at arms length but sometimes she would catch me by surprise and land a whopper. I suffered from black eyes, general bruising and on one occasion a split lip. By the time I got out, I was mentally broken, the physical injuries healed quickly, it took me years though to get my head back to something resembling normality. I blamed my rugby for my injuries at the time which was convenient when going into work. I could not talk about it because the attitudes back then were that nobody would believe me, or would laugh, or I was told that female on male DV was statistically negligible, that I was soft and should man up. It’s only recently that I have begun to tell people and I was shocked to find out quite a few male friends had been physically abused by their girlfriends but felt compelled to soldier on in silence. I personally think that it is a crime that is massively under reported, the great British crime survey a few years back surprised a few people when I think about 40% of men claimed that they had been victim of DV, other studies suggest it is much higher. Even then some people were going out of their way to dismiss the figures as bullshit as it did not fit the narrative that it’s only men capable of violence in a relationship. I don’t think it should be framed as a top trumps ‘who gets it worse’ thing rather then an issue that should be tackled in its entirety irrespective of the gender of the victim.

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs.

@nothingonthetelly
After the Savile accusations started there were some who were saying 'why are people only saying this after he died? ' and of course the reason for this was for reason or another they felt they couldnt say it when he was alive. I acknowledge that this was a poor comparison on my part and I apologise for it. I'll hold my hand up to it.

It's not the same when a woman hits a man as when a man hits a woman. It's still wrong and should still be treated as a crime but it's just not the same.

I'm sure someone more eloquent than me will be able to put it better but let me put it this way, what's the worst I can do to my oh? Hit him? He wouldn't even feel it. He could kill me with his bare hands. There's not the same sense of fear there for a man, similar to when a woman gropes a man what's the worst she can do, generally? Whereas if a man gripes a woman you don't know if it will end there. Can someone put that more eloquently please because I know I'm making hardly any sense!

well this demonstrates nicely the horror of male violence blaming women wanting to die very topical

I do hope that OP has put links all over the place to this thread like he threatened to...

well this demonstrates nicely the horror of male violence blaming women wanting to die very topical

*It's not the same when a woman hits a man as when a man hits a woman. It's still wrong and should still be treated as a crime but it's just not the same.

I'm sure someone more eloquent than me will be able to put it better but let me put it this way, what's the worst I can do to my oh? Hit him? He wouldn't even feel it. He could kill me with his bare hands. There's not the same sense of fear there for a man, similar to when a woman gropes a man what's the worst she can do, generally? Whereas if a man gripes a woman you don't know if it will end there. Can someone put that more eloquently please because I know I'm making hardly any sense!*

This is so damn wrong on so many levels.

More violence is carried out by men on women than vice versa - we all know that, but a woman can kill a man, make no mistake about this.
What you are arguing is that 'it's not the same because statistically it happens more to women, or men are generally more capable of greater violence' - that's a completely flawed argument.

The actual crime of violence on another person is the same. If a man is stabbed, it's no less 'stabbed' because it was a woman holding the knife instead of a man.

The argument you're putting forward is something very different... 'as a whole, men have less to fear from women than women do of men' - and that is true, absolutely, but that does not affect the gravity of violence at the individual level.