to say that female on male violence is unacceptable too...

[matthayes76]

Hey,

Hoping some of you guys can shed some light on whether I’m being the monster my partner suggests I am.

We were having a chat and it came out that a woman we know has been punching her husband during arguments.

I was pretty shocked and saddened but my partner dismissed it as not being as bad as if it was the other way round.

That attitude really blew me away.

As far as I’m concerned the violent impulse to hurt and cause physical pain during an argument can never be accepted. Irrespective of the size or sex of the person, we need to use reason and discussion to resolve our differences rather than resorting to violence and intimidation.

Am I being unreasonable?

Would really appreciate some feedback 👍🏻

😬

All violence is unacceptable. Male violence is far more frequent and causes far more damage. I do wonder about the real motivation of men who come to Mumsnet to start this type of thread however.

Maybe men 'put up' with violence from their partners because they physically can. I couldn't put up with violence from my partner because I would probably be hospitalised or dead given that he is so much bigger than me. I would be terrified.

Obviously always unacceptable.
I find it very interesting that men are more likely to report to police? I have always heard the opposite.

I’m not sure what you mean by real motivation.

I was just surprised to have a conversation with someone who was suggesting one form of violence was more acceptable than another.

Irrespective of the size or sex of the person it’s the violent impulse that’s at the root of the problem and should be condemned no matter what guise it comes in.

I think I was perhaps more surprised to have this conversation with a woman who, considering the millennia of abuse at the hands of violent men, I felt would be more understanding and equally condemning of all forms of violence.

Of course it is. It's despicable and unacceptable no matter who does it. I know/knew as I'll never talk to her again someone who broke five of her boyfriend's ribs last month. I know the circumstances because she told me herself. He refused to press charges but she should be up in court.

I posted too soon. Domestic violence against men is a very real problem whether it's committed by other males or by women and they deserve every possible support. However there's no denying that domestic violence against women is on a whole other scale and all too often results in death. Just this morning I read of yet another woman who had been murdered by a man, and I can practically guarantee that it was committed by her partner/husband.

Earlier this year someone I knew was brutally murdered, indeed mutilated by her partner, stabbed dozens of times and left for her young child to find when they returned from school. It's a story so similar to those I read practically everyday. I couldn't begin to tell you of how many headlines I've read this year of women murdered by men known to them. Wanting to focus on that doesn't mean that we think that male domestic violence victims don't matter but the sheer scale and the 'causes' of the violence committed against women make it a very different issue that warrants its own time in the spotlight.

Of course it's unacceptable but the problem is male violence is a lot more common, also most men could cause a lot more damage to a woman than a wan to a man.
I could hurt my dp if I was hitting him full force, my DP could probably kill me if he did the same.

Irrespective of the size or sex of the person it’s the violent impulse that’s at the root of the problem

Yes but the outcome is not the same and that affects the impulse. Women have evolved to be have fewer violent impulses than men because violence doesn’t serve us.

I do wonder about the real motivation of men who come to Mumsnet to start this type of thread however.

It's often so they can take someone's post out of context and post it on SM as an example of how MNers hate the poor menz.

Be careful what you post...

Male violence is a vastly more widespread problem than female violence. Domestic abuse against women is still rife. Therefore it is right that these things should be given more resources and attention. However, that does not mean that an individual woman punching an individual man is any less unacceptable than an individual man punching an individual woman. The physical damage may be less (going by average size and strength), but it doesn't make the action itself any less reprehensible.

I wonder if violence against men is far more widespread than currently thought. Yes they are less likely to die from it, but it can be far harder for them to escape it. There is the shame that they feel and that they feel that others will look down on them as lesser men. They normally can't go and get a place in a refuge as in many places there isn't one, so their choice may just be the streets if they leave, especially if they are also being financially abused. They may be worried about leaving the children solely under the abuser's control or never being able to see them again as they don't have a place to live.

I know op. What about those poor men.

What is this bullshit that woman only get violent because they are rebuting abuse / defending themselves this catagotically NOT TRUE I have had a ex friend sent to prison because they was abusive to her partner and i mean seriously abusive she ended up nearly killing him infront of his children in front of witnesses because she honsertly thought hitting her husband was not that bad.

Se hit him in the face with a hot frying pan for the horredous crime of dropping a cup cake on the floor. The police were not interested in his reports of violence until he was put into intesive care after being attacked in front of a room full of witnesses.

So please DO NOT sprout rubbish that woman only get violent because A they are being abused B that defending themselves.

OnAScaleOf1to10ItsA7 what utter twaddle woman can be and often are just as violent has men just that there violence is under reported / not seen as serious as male on female violence. The only reason she even went to prison was due to the amount of witnesses to the attack if it had happened behind closed doors she could of easily got away with it citing that he was abusing her and just defending herself and idiots like you are the reason scum like her can get away with such a defense.

But the number of fights i have seen were woman on woman have been higher then male of male just that the damage is less severe so less likely to end up in court etc

can be far harder for them to escape it

So..here we go..this is the thread intent.

Not giving this any more airtime. Women can't physically drag men around and throw them around like women get, and children.

Frankly this is a fucking insult to the vast levels of murder rape and carnage men are inflicting upon women children, and these supposedly 'lesser' men.

What a load of bollox

Lets all stop talking bollox here.

Women can't physically drag men around and throw them.

Nearly all the women in secure mental units are there from male abuse and yes, have tried to kill men or hit them in self defence.

It's men that are killing women and children (and other men) across the world. Oh the poor menz..lets all cry together..

No, lets think about those women and children that were killed this week, and those last week, and the ones that will die over Christmas and won't see the NY in.

The DC that will lose their DMs over Christmas.

All the families that will be burnt to death.

And the women who will once again be raped to protect their children.

It would be like a child hitting a parent - utterly acceptable but not physically damaging.

A child can cause considerable damage as the parent generally doesnt do more than defend themselves. I have friends of kids with SN who have black eyes, broken lips, bites, the occasional broken bone. Size doesmt determine damage if one sise doesn't fight back.

I do wonder about this. I had a friend whose mum was known to be violent. Police at time wouldn't even record it as an incident. Eventually the Dad left and the eldest son took care of the family and took the main brunt of both the Mums rage and just about anything else.

I dont think we really understand violence at all as a society

It's often so they can take someone's post out of context and post it on SM as an example of how MNers hate the poor menz.

Yup.

And if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm going to say that I don't believe the conversation described by the OP actually happened. This has 'goady' written all over it.

I find it very interesting that men are more likely to report to police?

My sister’s husband has abused her in every way imaginable for years (5 forced pregnancies, bleach in her face, starved etc).
The one time she fought back and gave him a black eye he went straight to the police, friends etc and claimed she was abusing him.

I think it’s a common stunt for abusers to pull.

"Knives from the kitchen drawer aren’t concerned by the size of someone’s frame, as peoples skin is the same thickness irrespective of their size and once violence in the home starts the trip to the drawer becomes shorter with each fight."

So how come it's mostly women who end up dead then?

Agree with majority of other posts
All violence is wrong obv
However
Men can and do, do a lot more damage to women, children and other men, than women do to men.

There was an article about women murdered by men they knew in the Mail the other day. A bunch of posts were saying BIAS! Where are the stats > how many men have been killed by women in that time? Huh? HUH???????????? As if they genuinely thought it would be similar, or more. Do people really believe that? That women are murdering men at the same rate? HOW can they possibly think that is true? Baffling.

Then there was another one saying not enough help for men.

OK, what are YOU going to do about it?

Women started DV shelters for women, and they still have to run them as charities / bid for funding etc.

But men look at this and see that they don't get any and say give us some... They don't seem to understand that the help wasn't just given to women, we had to fight for it. And now men want someone else to do the work to do it for them... Men in society hold most of the power and the money if it's important to them it can be done, but most of the time it seems to be calls like
Women only CV shelters are sexist
Men should be allowed to use them
Or other ones shuold be opened
By the magic fairies who get stuff done (we all know who they are)

There is also no analysis of whether men and women need similar support > women are more likely to be financially dependent, have kids with them etc and at MORTAL risk. Is it the same for men? Are they doing reserch to find out what will be best for men experiencing DV?

etc

Around 100 Men a year are killed in DV attacks, but these are from Male Partners.

Also - someone please correct me if I'm wrong - but doesn't DV also include attacks from ex-partners of one person in a couple? So some of these men may have been killed by ex-boyfriends/husbands of their female partner.

It is baffling.

Three times this year I’ve heard of people being killed during ‘rough sex’.

Are women killing men during rough sex?
I’ll give a clue: no.

But men look at this and see that they don't get any and say give us some... They don't seem to understand that the help wasn't just given to women, we had to fight for it. And now men want someone else to do the work to do it for them..

There was a similar faux concerny type thread on the 'Feminism' board a few weeks ago. A bloke asking why feminists aren't concerned with high male suicide rates and the number of male homeless... you know, the usual MRA talking points. When I asked him what HE was doing to help his fellow men, he didn't respond.

The type of men who ask these 'questions' don't actually care about underprivileged or victimised men. They just resent women doing things for women.

Greeneggs I'm one of those parents. My daughter weighs under 8 stone and has hurt me on numerous ocassions. Fortunately I'm well padded and quite strong so she hasn't broken any bones (as far as I know). I think it's because it comes from a place of rage so she doesn't hold back.
I believe Steven Hawking was physically abused by one of his partners, and I've of a couple of other disabled or otherwise vulnerable men being similarily abused by female partners. Does it just come down to differences in size and strength?

Well partly

Toddlers can wallop their mums but it's not too bad as they are small

As they grow they are taught not to hit though

How much violent abuse of women on children would show up if it's just about size. I suspect a lot of it is but not all. Men hurt us because they can > but also becasue society is quite tolerant of it. Women are still deep down considered male property really, espcailly by men. The way they approach and will onyl leave if a male owner is invoked shows this. DV has only been deemed serious in relatively recent years > marital rape was only outlwaed in 1991 I think. PLus men are "expected" to be violent, to react violently when "provoked" > there is a lot of "what did she expect" still going on...

Complicated.