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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas day with me

167 replies

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 17:59

Just hoping to get things into perspective....Ive been with boyfriend for nearly two years ..we both have children living with us from previous marriage, both divorced and live in seperate houses .
Recently he's been saying to me that we should discuss moving in together in the New Year so he's obviously wanting to progress the relationship ,I love him very much and hate being without him. Last year we spent Xmas apart as he went to his family and I was hoping we would spend Xmas together this year ....but he's already made arrangements to go to his parents for the full day with his kids, then at tea time he's dropping them off to his ex wife's. This will be around 4pm...He casually said that after all if that if " I'm not doing anything" then he'll "come and see me." I'm not invited to his parents apparantely ...even though I thought we got on well. So i'll be on my own with my two children 5 and 11. I have no other family....all passed away . I'm really hurt that I'm last on his list of priorities. I'm f angry as well. When I've tried to speak to him about it he just says he didn't think but still says he can only see me in the evening. I.just feel.like he's only seeing me as parents will be tired and kids gone for the night.

OP posts:
ButteryParsnips · 22/12/2018 18:02

Tell him to leave it as you'll be having special time with your kids. Don't make yourself dependent on him.

BlueCheese23 · 22/12/2018 18:06

I'm really sorry I don't know what to do. Usually, my husband stays with me for Christmas, as his family live in America. We visit them after. Sometimes he visits them, leaving me with my little boy, like this year. I just had my baby, so I'm planning to get DS lots of clubs so the baby can go to daycare when I need a girls day. Tell him he isn't being very nice and let him know you're capable of doing things and having plans too. He may feel like you aren't as important, but the best thing to do is MAKE yourself important. If you cook him dinner or things stop for a bit.

Post edited by MNHQ

Gravel1 · 22/12/2018 18:08

Don't dwell on the casually that your perspective from a position of wanting.

he's in a transitional phase stuck between old and new - I often spend christmas with my two kids who are the people I want to be with. Xmas arrangements are often based on past president and (legal) family ties. When your living together this will be different. Besides which from the posts on here many would envy your position so just chill.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 22/12/2018 18:08

Perhaps he feels it’s too soon to have a blended family Christmas at his parents. Maybe his parents would rather just have their own grandchildren there.

BlueJava · 22/12/2018 18:11

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't sound that into you, if it were me I'd be really upset too and YANBU. Maybe think of ways of doing other things and not being so available for him.

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2018 18:16

You say you hate being without him? Thays over needy and we're do your children fit in all this?

I think his Parents are entitled to just have a straight forward Christmas and not have you and your children, as well. That is until you live together.

He proposed what me and my Partner (who I didn't live with), did for seven years. We saw each other briefly in the morning and then didn't meet up until the evening.

Singlenotsingle · 22/12/2018 18:17

Maybe his parents haven't thought to invite you and your DC, especially as you don't live together anyway.

WallisFrizz · 22/12/2018 18:18

That’s crap. I’d be hurt. I can see why he is taking his kids to his parents but why is he not coming to you after he’s dropped them off? How quick is the drop off, is he going to be spending time with his ex which would definitely piss me off.

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2018 18:20

How old are his children, how long have he and his ex been apart?

Well done him if he's putting his children first.

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 18:21

That's what I'm doing right now...I'm not making myself available at all. It just would have been nice to be included at Xmas but I'm not, even though he knew I was upset. I seemed to be good enough to go out and get all his childrens presents for him and wrap them though Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 18:25

Birdsgottafly......I'm hardly needy. I meant I like being with him that's all and expected to spend Xmas with him

OP posts:
ISdads · 22/12/2018 18:25

Did you really want to spend xmas with your kids at someone else's house? His plan makes sense to me - you both prioritise your kids then meet in the evening.

Why buy his kids presents though? Didn't he want to do that??

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/12/2018 18:26

Have your children meet his parents lots? I won't have expected an invite from my bf's parents for me and my kids, and that obviously is up to them not him. Isn't it rather late in the day to be discussed Xmas day plans? You hoped and made assumptions but didn't check with him and now you're pissed off? Why didn't you invite him and his kids to yours? Maybe he's pissed off with you for not inviting him? More communication is needed by both of you. Especially if thinking about moving in together? Good relationships are not built on hopes and assumptions but clear plans made by communicating needs and expectations.

Delatron · 22/12/2018 18:27

I think you’re overthinking it. He’s just doing the usual bloke thing of trying to please everyone? He needs to see his kids in the day and their grandparents will want to see them. I guess it’s too soon/ wouldn’t work for you and your kids to go to that..

He’s said he’s free after 4? So you could do something all together then.

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 18:27

I would have been happy doing Xmas here or at his house. Just really annoyed he made arrangements that didn't include me

OP posts:
TruffleShuffles · 22/12/2018 18:30

How old are all of your children OP, do they spend a lot of time together and get on well?

Delatron · 22/12/2018 18:31

If you did Christmas at your house would his parents have been alone? Or would you have invited them? Do you know them well?

He’s not doing Christmas at his house though is he? His parents have invited him around and their grandchildren. When did you find out about this and why didn’t you discuss it? You would have avoided all this angst.

YoungLennyGodber · 22/12/2018 18:31

You’re overthinking this. I think sounds like a decent guy who’s putting his children first, as he should. They’ll enjoy the day with their grandparents. You don’t live together and you’re not engaged - you’re nothing to them at present. so I don’t know why you’d want to be at his parents’ house for Xmas anyway? Confused

greenlanes · 22/12/2018 18:41

Wow you went and got his children's presents (even if he did reimburse you) and then wrapped them. I am not so sure he is such a great dad and b/f. Is he ill or disabled that he cant do this for HIS children from HIM? I bet you werent named on the gift tag - unless you wrote it there. I would be very much be toning back this relationship in the New Year. It's not worth ending it but you dont seem a priority.

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 18:44

He has other family so very capable and healthy parents not alone at all.
He's not ill or disabled!! He just asked me to get presents and gave me a list and £300 ..and no I'm not on gift tag. They're all from him. I got them a seperate sack full each from me

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 22/12/2018 18:48

I don't think it's as simple as you do, OP. He is spending Christmas with his children and you are spending it with yours. Are his children really ready to share Christmas with his girlfriend and her children? Are your children ready to share it with your boyfriend and his children? Talking about moving in together at some point is one thing, sharing family Christmas with children is another. I wouldn't have been expecting that to be the first blended family event. That strikes me as a huge recipe for disaster.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2018 18:48

No he doesn't sound that into you either, he sounds like he sees you as an option. I certainly would not be moving in with him, and would be reconsidering the relationship if I were in your position. Sounds uncannily like this thread that is also currently running tps:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3455366--to-be-left-out-of-a-boyfriends-Christmas-event

Fairylightfurore · 22/12/2018 18:49

Enjoy being able to do your own thing before you get roped into having to go to his parents every year.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2018 18:50

So it is deemed needy to want a boyfriend to act like a boyfriend should Hmm.

BackforGood · 22/12/2018 18:52

Perhaps he feels it’s too soon to have a blended family Christmas at his parents. Maybe his parents would rather just have their own grandchildren there.

This ^

You have said you are only just "beginning to think about moving in together" . It is pretty normal for people who are still at the 'going out stage' to not spend Christmas together. Imposing other people's children on to Grand parents is another step altogether which tends to come later down the line.