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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas day with me

167 replies

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 17:59

Just hoping to get things into perspective....Ive been with boyfriend for nearly two years ..we both have children living with us from previous marriage, both divorced and live in seperate houses .
Recently he's been saying to me that we should discuss moving in together in the New Year so he's obviously wanting to progress the relationship ,I love him very much and hate being without him. Last year we spent Xmas apart as he went to his family and I was hoping we would spend Xmas together this year ....but he's already made arrangements to go to his parents for the full day with his kids, then at tea time he's dropping them off to his ex wife's. This will be around 4pm...He casually said that after all if that if " I'm not doing anything" then he'll "come and see me." I'm not invited to his parents apparantely ...even though I thought we got on well. So i'll be on my own with my two children 5 and 11. I have no other family....all passed away . I'm really hurt that I'm last on his list of priorities. I'm f angry as well. When I've tried to speak to him about it he just says he didn't think but still says he can only see me in the evening. I.just feel.like he's only seeing me as parents will be tired and kids gone for the night.

OP posts:
Delatron · 22/12/2018 21:40

Or he’s not being presumptuous Iamyourequal
Maybe she would have made other plans.

We weren’t there to hear the conversation and how it was delivered.

pantyclaws · 22/12/2018 21:47

Sorry but I don't think he is BU about this and I think you are being a bit self-absorbed tbh. You've only been together 2 years and don't even live together. Talking about it means v little tbh.

When DH and I got together, admittedly no DC involved but we spent the first 4/5 years of Christmas apart to be with our respective families.

Maybe his DC want to be with their DGPs for xmas day and the GPs don't want to have other children they don't know at all well there which would massively change the dynamic?

How old are your respective children?

pantyclaws · 22/12/2018 21:48

Just to add I do think he was BU to ask you to get the presents for him, but you could have said no presumably?

thefourgp · 22/12/2018 21:48

How often does he cook for you OP? Does he keep a clean home? Does he do a lot with his children eg, hobbies, homework etc on a daily basis? Will he buy you thoughtful gifts on your birthday and Christmas without you telling him what to buy? If you need help with something does he ever offer to help without you asking/nagging him? Do other people in his life make ‘jokes’ about how much he sleeps/how lazy he is? I completely agree with other poster who said there will be a lot of other concerns and red flags you are ignoring and don’t want to admit to.

Thymeout · 22/12/2018 21:51

Hollow - 'it's a hell of a lot harder to end the relationship'

Yy - especially in this case where there will be at least 6 children whose homelife will be turned upside down.

Op - I think you should read the Stepparent thread. The fact that he won't be able to come to yours till 4 p.m. on Xmas Day is a fleabite compared to the problems other people are having with blending families. It's a huge undertaking. You need to be absolutely solid as a couple before thinking of it and your reaction to this shows that you're not as secure about his feelings for as you'd have to be in a situation where you'll be taking second place to his dcs on a daily basis.

SpiritedLondon · 22/12/2018 21:56

I don’t know in What lifetime dating for 2 years is not considered a decent amount of time. Presumably if you are at the stage of discussing moving in then the children have met each other ? If not then I would expect that to be the next step before that discussion. If they have met then I don’t really see why you couldn’t all spend Christmas together. There’s a special breed of person it seems who are uncharitable and inhospitable enough to leave people on their own on Christmas time when it would be so easy to invite them over.... not just in this case but in other threads. I find it weird the grandparents haven’t invited you to join them since you’ve been with their son for 2 years. It’s certainly what I’d do if I was the grandparent. As it stands I would want to have definite plans either for Christmas Day itself or Boxing Day if that was a possibility. I probably wouldn’t give the sackful of presents to his kids either - lose a couple and keep them for birthdays or another child. I would not put the kids in the position of you lavishing his kids with mounds of presents and him only reciprocating with one or two because that looks really crap. I certainly wouldn’t have got involved in buying them either for him.... you’re not his PA. Are you going to also discover that you’ve dropped a shit load of cash on a present for him only for him to give you a Joni Mitchell cd? ( sneaky film reference there) If he does that I would definitely bin him off.

BackforGood · 22/12/2018 22:03

He isn't talking of moving in together anytime... he wants to do it next year . I would have thought a Christmas together or at least half of the day would be nice especially as I would be taking on his children if I agreed to move in

That word if, ("if I agreed to move in") seems to support what he has planned.
If you haven't even decided that this is going to work, then he is right to prioritise his dc and their special time with him and their grandparents.
When either one of you - let alone both of you - already have dc, then the pace of a relationship is very different from if you are both young, free, and single. Yet, even when you are young, free, and single, it's still pretty normal to not spend the day together after only 2 years, and not living together.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/12/2018 22:09

He’s totally used you OP, and keeps dangling the juicy carrot of ‘moving in together’ to keep you on your toes. Not one gift for your kids but you give sacks full of gifts over for his kids, and you do all his Christmas shopping for him for his kids too, WTF are you thinking Lady.

I’d kick this Dick to the kerb.

Livingoncake · 22/12/2018 22:18

OP, you only get so many Christmases with your kids at home, so enjoy it while you can. Your boyfriend is prioritising his kids for Xmas day, and you should do the same. Forget about your romantic relationship for the day and focus on enjoying your babies and giving them a wonderful day. I bet they’re happy they don’t have to share their mum (yet).

That said... you claim you’re not needy but “I hate being without him” suggests otherwise. You’re also martyring yourself to him and his kids with the present buying and “doing loads for him”, and he is taking full advantage of this. Are you trying to prove your worth to him so he’ll stay in a relationship with you? Do you really want to become this man’s unpaid personal assistant?

Forget about where he spends Christmas, that’s a red herring. Put off moving in together for a bit and see how much more “wifework” he gives you in the meantime. Then make an informed decision as to whether you want to move in with him.

ISdads · 22/12/2018 22:33

www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/11/28/are-you-a-codependent-gift-giver/

I am codependent in different ways, but found this an interesting read

MissRhubarb · 22/12/2018 23:08

Hi OP. Does DP attach the same emotional importance to Christmas as you do do you think? I would feel the same as you about the Christmas arrangements, but I know my DP doesn't think that Christmas is much of a big deal (he's spent it on his own quite happily in the past before we had children out of choice, whereas I think of it as important family time and would always travel to be with someone in the family/hate being on my own for Xmas. I'm just wondering if your DP gets why this upsets you?

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 23:18

Hi. Yes Christmas seems to have always been a big family occasion for him so quite important. I just thought I'd be part of it this year. I'm quite capable of being on my own with my children....it's just made me question how important I am to him .

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 22/12/2018 23:22

There's little point advising on this thread, as it's just a venting thread.

The OP makes these lovely, generous gestures to the DP's kids and does all the donkey work for him, and gets completely taken for granted and relegated the bottom of the priority list in return. And is very defensive of doing the nice things for no appreciation or recognition.

He can't be bothered with you or your kids, while you're being lovely and thoughtful to him and his. Vent away, but that's the size of it.

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 23:24

...we've had joint holidays.. I've looked after his kids when they're sick etc etc we've been through loads together in two years. After him saying we should sort out living together then to just make his own plans without me has upset me.

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 22/12/2018 23:27

@delatron sure we weren’t there to hear the conversation, but the OP has told us what he said, which was that he might visit her if he’s not ‘doing anything’ . I’m not reading anything into this that the OP hasn’t put down verbatim herself. A boyfriend that will only come visit on Christmas Day evening if he isn’t ‘doing anything’ else wouldn’t be good enough for me and shouldn’t be good enough for the OP.

Delatron · 22/12/2018 23:27

So did you expect to be invited to his parents? What would be your perfect Christmas scenario here?

RandomMess · 22/12/2018 23:32

It sounds more like he sees you as unpaid nanny more than anything else! I'm sure he had more of a holiday because you were there helping with his kids!

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 23:34

All these replies has made me think ...and yes...I'm being totally being taken for granted and my feelings are are hardly ever taken into consideration. If he was in my situation and I was in his, there's no way I'd make my own plans without telling him

OP posts:
Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 23:37

I just " expected" to be included in something.

OP posts:
LL83 · 22/12/2018 23:52

It is disappointing. Fairly common in my friends for couples who don't live together to have separate Christmas and meet later. Difference here is you don't have anyone to visit with so insensitive not to include you.

Is there any practical reason that it might have been tricky for him to invite you and kids to come to his mum's? Space at table for example?

You bought the presents for him which was kind. Does he do stuff for you? My dh does bins and screen wash routinely for me so I don't mind doing more laundry for example.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/12/2018 06:19

Massively used and taken fro granted....

He has it all his way

And you get to look after his ill kids... Nice...

Don't treat someone as your priority, who treats you as an option

He's showing you who he is... He's screwing you over

Loopytiles · 23/12/2018 07:24

How many times have you, and your DC, met his parents?

whiteroseredrose · 23/12/2018 07:38

Christmas is a funny thing. People have their own traditions to make it 'right'.

DH and I spent Christmas with our own families until we married. My sister and her DH went to their own families until they had DC (about 7 years!).

However in all cases this was understood a long time in advance.

Ohyesiam · 23/12/2018 07:55

He’s either tskomg you for granted, or Christmas symbolises something different to him. It might really irritate him and he just tries to get through it rather than engage with it.
I’d be wanting to ask what his general experience of Christmas is, how he finds it,
Hope you have a good Christmas whatever happens op.

Propertywoe · 23/12/2018 08:12

I suppose if I was planning on creating a blended family Christmas the presents would be jointly bought or at least given as if they were by then. If you two are not at this stage I could imagine it being even more difficult for the grandparents. His children relaxing with his family, whilst yours are still at the visiting stage.

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