Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas day with me

[Paccaface]

Just hoping to get things into perspective....Ive been with boyfriend for nearly two years ..we both have children living with us from previous marriage, both divorced and live in seperate houses .
Recently he's been saying to me that we should discuss moving in together in the New Year so he's obviously wanting to progress the relationship ,I love him very much and hate being without him. Last year we spent Xmas apart as he went to his family and I was hoping we would spend Xmas together this year ....but he's already made arrangements to go to his parents for the full day with his kids, then at tea time he's dropping them off to his ex wife's. This will be around 4pm...He casually said that after all if that if " I'm not doing anything" then he'll "come and see me." I'm not invited to his parents apparantely ...even though I thought we got on well. So i'll be on my own with my two children 5 and 11. I have no other family....all passed away . I'm really hurt that I'm last on his list of priorities. I'm f angry as well. When I've tried to speak to him about it he just says he didn't think but still says he can only see me in the evening. I.just feel.like he's only seeing me as parents will be tired and kids gone for the night.

Wow he has managed to get everyone to do things so he doesn't have to really well.
You got suckered I to the present buying. His parents cook the lunch. Then when the children are tired and fractious he drops them at their mum's and he gets to crash out at yours where you run can around after him as he is so tired. Well played!
Step back and look at just how much he manages to get you to do for him compared to bow much he does for you before you move in together to ensure you're not just being used as a free house keeper child minder etc.
Also sorry but I agree the children might not want their usual routine at Xmas changed to suit dads girlfriend.I don't see why the grandparents would want you and your children at their house either. Don't you look forward to time with your own children on your own?
Things don't look good here. I hope though you wake up and make sure you aren't being used to enable him to have an easier life at your expense.

OP I've gone through all your answers and it doesn't seem like you've mentioned anywhere what your kids would want. When I was a child I relished the Christmases where it was just my siblings and parents and no extended family. Maybe they'll must be half they're not going to someones parents they don't know just so you and your boyfriend can spend Christmas together. And likewise maybe his children will be happy it's just their family this year. This might be your last separate Christmas if you move in together next year so why don't you just enjoy it with your children.... they'll probably love it more.

And I don't think he's being unreasonable...I didn't spend any Christmases with boyfriends that I wasn't living with...(its not necessarily the norm though all families do things differently) and I imagine having children separately makes it even more important to have separate Christmases until you're actually a family unit.

*Maybe they'll just be happy they're not going to someones parents they don't know just so you and your boyfriend can spend Christmas together.

Yep, he's got you doing his wifework OP. Don't fall for it.

I wouldn't move in with someone if we both had kids unless we were married. Too much risk.

It doesn't sound good OP. He's got you doing all the wifework, buying his kids presents, looking after them when they're ill, etc. Did he tell you you were better at looking after sick kids too? Or that they'd prefer a woman caring for them, a mother like figure?

I also think you bought too much for them, regardless of whether you knew them before you knew him. How do you think your kids will feel, when they only get a token present from him, knowing you've bought his kids more?

And, as lots of posters have asked, what do your kids want to do? I'd think they would prefer to have you to themselves on the day, not have to share you with him and his kids.

I don't think you should move in together. You'll be left to do all the work.

I think there are several issues at play here.

I don't think his plans for Christmas day are unreasonable at all. In fact I would be majorly put off by someone who didn't prioritise his children on Christmas day. I don't think spending time with his parents is a problem either; they probably thinjnthat your children won't want ro spend Christmas with them.

But that he doesn't realise it is a big deal for you isnt a great sign. I would be questioning why he wants to move in. The getting you to do his Christmas shopping and yet hasn't got anything for your children is not nice. I would be wondering if moving in together was more out of convenience?
If you do move in together (personally I wouldn't, but I like my independence and don't think it is fair on all the children involved), invite everyone to you for Christmas next time.

You’re giving a huge amount in this relationship, and it looks like you get very little in return. He sounds thoughtless and bloody selfish

He's taking the piss OP. Start the New Year single if I were you... he's using you for his wifework and mumwork and didn't see you as his partner when making his plans.

I think, following your further replies, his suggestion of moving in together will serve him better than it will you.

He'll have his housework and laundry done, meals cooked etc aside from saving money on his bills/rent etc

I think he's thinking strategically rather than romantically

My other worry is by you doing his shopping for his kids and his reasons for it (it will be better etc) will leave your children with crappy presents he dashed out and bought. This will further feed your feeling of being second best/unthought of etc

He's training you.
He's trained you to do all the things he doesn't like whilst letting you know you still aren't on his priorities. Sick kids, you do it. Traipse round the shops, you do it.
I understand his kids come first at Christmas. I would think less of someone who didn't do this. But I don't see why he couldn't come round to you for a present swap first seeing as you know them so well.
Actually I do.
After he's dropped the kids off he can come round to you and veg in front of the telly whilst you wait on him hand and foot.
And he'll probably get a shag later.

You are being taken for granted. While to you its the thought that counts and you don't mind him giving little to your kids, how do you think they will feel seeing how well you treat his kids and how little interest he shows in yours?

I don't think either of you is being especially unreasonable here...I think it's understandable that you wanted to spend Christmas with your partner, but I also understand why he would want to spend it with his children and parents- the issue here is that you didn't discuss expectations beforehand. One thing I've noticed is that different families have WILDLY different ways of doing things when it comes to Christmas, so I reckon you should have a good conversation about this once the dust has settled. I'd figure out how you both see this panning out in the future so this doesn't stay being an issue.

However, I do think that he was rather thoughtless to make plans for Christmas without at least discussing them with you first. If he'd told you this is what he would prefer for this year but would make sure your evening together was really special, and was open to discussing a Christmas spent together next year, I wonder if you would be so upset.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're being particularly needy by wanting to spend Christmas with your DP or by saying that you hate being without him.

HE shouldn't have asked you to go out and buy the presents for his family if you weren't invited on the day.. That is quite shocking to me.

I get that he can't ditch his parents or his children but he sounds like he's willing to move forward in the relationship but his christmas day is complicated. tbh, it wouldn't really bother me to be ''excluded'' from that high level of complication but he really should not have asked you to run around doing the donkey work buying presents.

the idea that you’d throw yourself and your DC together for a day that should be all about them with kids they haven’t a full relationship with and ditto for your partners DPs is naive.

I waved my DP off to the airport yesterday to see his aged DPs. It’s our 10th Christmas together and the 8th we’ve spend apart. Not because of a lack of commitment - our home and those of - his DPs, my exH and my DD’s two sets of grandparents are too far from one another to split Xmas and Boxing Day. My priority has always been my DD - she’s 19 now and we are planning a lovely day together - cooking and drinking some fine champers and vino.
You’ve a first world problem - focus on your DC.

Also FFS do not buy his gifts OR buy sacks of gifts for his kids. That’s EVEN more silly and naive.

Op I'd be sad too. I am sure there are so many relationships out there where people think they're all loved up and think they're in a great relationship but when they step back the man is being very facilitated and looked after and not really making the same level if effort. Value yourself more than this. I'd say give him a chance to come up to your level but definitely don't move in together yet. Blended families are too complicated as it is. He needs to be doing much more to show you what you mean to him.

Hi OP - I just wondered how you got on this holiday season?

You bought his DC presents and looked after them when they were ill? I'll guarantee he wouldn't do similar. He totally thinks you should do all the wife work. Don't move in with him!