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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas day with me

167 replies

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 17:59

Just hoping to get things into perspective....Ive been with boyfriend for nearly two years ..we both have children living with us from previous marriage, both divorced and live in seperate houses .
Recently he's been saying to me that we should discuss moving in together in the New Year so he's obviously wanting to progress the relationship ,I love him very much and hate being without him. Last year we spent Xmas apart as he went to his family and I was hoping we would spend Xmas together this year ....but he's already made arrangements to go to his parents for the full day with his kids, then at tea time he's dropping them off to his ex wife's. This will be around 4pm...He casually said that after all if that if " I'm not doing anything" then he'll "come and see me." I'm not invited to his parents apparantely ...even though I thought we got on well. So i'll be on my own with my two children 5 and 11. I have no other family....all passed away . I'm really hurt that I'm last on his list of priorities. I'm f angry as well. When I've tried to speak to him about it he just says he didn't think but still says he can only see me in the evening. I.just feel.like he's only seeing me as parents will be tired and kids gone for the night.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 22/12/2018 18:53

Would make nice plans with your DC.

“Hating being without him” sounds needy.

I think you’re BU: it’s right that his top priority is his DC. They are already splitting their day between their parents.

Don’t think his parents are BU not to invite you and your DC for their part of the day when it’s been two years, you are not planning marriage and don’t live together.

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 18:54

He isn't talking of moving in together anytime... he wants to do it next year . I would have thought a Christmas together or at least half of the day would be nice especially as I would be taking on his children if I agreed to move in . Their mum only sees them once a fortnight ...her choice.

OP posts:

WhatwouldCJdo · 22/12/2018 18:55

Perhaps it's a logistic thing with his parents of being too many people if you and your children come too and they just cannott face it.

If things are usually great between you can you not just say it's upset you and hear what his reasoning is for not being together for Christmas Day.

HotSauceCommittee · 22/12/2018 18:56

I don’t understand why you’d do his shopping for him and then get another “sack” of gifts for his kids from you. What’s wrong with him doing his own shopping for his own children and you buying them one gift each?
Op, you sound like a pushover and far too eager to please in a bid to ingratiate yourself. There is a big power balance here and it isn’t in your favour.
Too much, too soon. Back off and work on your emotional independence. I’ve shopoed for DH’s family and our kids and I’m pissed off and feel like I’ve done too much and we are married. These are our kids! If he asked me to shop for anyone else, well, it wouldn’t go down well.

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 18:59

Not eager to please or needy at all. Just nice, that's all.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 22/12/2018 19:01

But you’d both be “taking on” each other’s DC?

Is moving in together just an idea he’s floated, or have you talked about the issues with “blending” families, property ownership, parenting, finances, whether or not you’ll get married?

Allthewaves · 22/12/2018 19:02

Your over thinking this. Perhaps he wants one last Christmas with just him, kids and grandparents. Or you have organised all presents then his mum organised his xmas. Perhaps his kids wanted xmas at grandparents.

Your not living together, he's coming around in the evening. Your only talking of moving in together. It's actually sensible to take it slow.

Why can't you have a nice day boxing day.

Knittedfairies · 22/12/2018 19:03

I’d be wondering what the plans might be for next Christmas.

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 19:07

I think his plan is a sensible one. I’m really not getting why you would buy them a sackful of presents, just give them one present!

ISdads · 22/12/2018 19:10

Why did you buy his kids presents from him?

What did your kids want to do for xmas day?

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:10

I only asked for advice on this as I'm feeling hurt by his insensitivity. There's a few comments with underlying sarcasm

OP posts:

brighteyeowl17 · 22/12/2018 19:11

Pretty sure it’s normal to spend xmas with a 2 year partner. Calling poster needy is silly. His attitude is pretty bad. If someone couldn’t fit me in I’d start to wonder where I fitted in overall.

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 19:12

He’s not being insensitive. He’s just spending the day with his kids and parents then will see you.

H and I didn’t spend the full day together until we were married with a child so that was nearly 7 years!

Enjoy the last Christmas Day of just you and your children before that changes completely.

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:12

I bought them as he said I would get the right presents that they wanted and he would feel they were more special if I got them and wrapped them

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 22/12/2018 19:13

Won't your children prefer to have you to themselves anyway? It's just one day and if you hold a grudge on this, you might sabotage what could have been a good relationship. Don't slip into the martyr role, or become passive aggressive, like some people do when they feel they give everything and not get 100% back. Time to take a step back.
Concentrate on making it a great day for your family. You could let him know he is welcome after 4pm, but you're not expecting to see him as you have plans.

Delatron · 22/12/2018 19:13

I don’t think he is being insensitive. He’s spending Christmas Day with his kids and parents and then is free after 4 to see you?

Why didn’t you discuss this?

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:13

Brighteyeowl17....at least you understand

OP posts:

ChishandFips33 · 22/12/2018 19:15

I think his arrangements are typical - Christmas is for children and they should be the priority. They should spend the day where they feel most comfortable and have time to enjoy their presents

Out of 25 Christmases together, I've inly spent maybe 3/4 with my DH and we don't have children.

I spent the bulk of the day with my family and he with his and then we regrouped at tea time

What are his plans the rest of the time between Christmas and new year - could you have a 'family' day say Boxing Day

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:15

Delatron. I tried to discuss it a while ago and he said hed already planned Xmas day. Without me. But can fit me in. About 4

OP posts:

ISdads · 22/12/2018 19:15

I guess normal covers a lot of different things. Poster and her bf seem to be at either end. I would never share xmas with my kids and a non live in bf but I guess that means I wouldn't be hurt if the bf wanted to spend it with his kids/parents either. What puzzles me is why the dad then outsourced the present buying to her. So, she is useful for that task but not to spend the day with. He can't be arsed with xmas, then it's a really special family day? The two don't match.

Missingstreetlife · 22/12/2018 19:16

Obviously you need a chat about expectations in general before you move in together. Take a step back and be clear what you need and want. Listen to what he says, don't just assume you are on the same page. Then decide. A lot of heartache can be avoided by knowing what you are getting into. Sounds a bit like he wants a wife but not to be a husband. Be wary. Good luck

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 19:17

But his plans are ok, you just don’t like them.

His kids are the priority. Have the day with your kids then see him after 4pm. No drama.

neveradullmoment99 · 22/12/2018 19:17

Sounds like he has an issue introducing you to his parents. Do they even know about you?
I would be hurt and I would say it. Its no way to be treated. He seems to be 'hiding' you.

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/12/2018 19:17

I don't think he's doing anything wrong by prioritising his kids at Christmas, and spending the day with them. Especially as it's at his parents house.

However, I do think it's really off of him to want to prioritise them for the fun part - the day itself, present opening, and a delicious Christmas lunch prepared by his Mum, while he lodged himself on the sofa...

...while sending you out to do the hard yards, because you're sooo much better at schlepping around shops, thinking about what to get, and lugging it all home.

Seriously -

Delatron · 22/12/2018 19:18

Well I think it sounds fair enough. You asked for opinions. He’s not doing anything wrong.

Did you want an invite to his parents? Do you know them?

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