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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas day with me

167 replies

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 17:59

Just hoping to get things into perspective....Ive been with boyfriend for nearly two years ..we both have children living with us from previous marriage, both divorced and live in seperate houses .
Recently he's been saying to me that we should discuss moving in together in the New Year so he's obviously wanting to progress the relationship ,I love him very much and hate being without him. Last year we spent Xmas apart as he went to his family and I was hoping we would spend Xmas together this year ....but he's already made arrangements to go to his parents for the full day with his kids, then at tea time he's dropping them off to his ex wife's. This will be around 4pm...He casually said that after all if that if " I'm not doing anything" then he'll "come and see me." I'm not invited to his parents apparantely ...even though I thought we got on well. So i'll be on my own with my two children 5 and 11. I have no other family....all passed away . I'm really hurt that I'm last on his list of priorities. I'm f angry as well. When I've tried to speak to him about it he just says he didn't think but still says he can only see me in the evening. I.just feel.like he's only seeing me as parents will be tired and kids gone for the night.

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 22/12/2018 20:09

I think you are jumping ahead of yourself.

DH and I were together 5 years before we got married, and we moved country shortly before Christmas that year. He went to his parents, I went to mine (we didn't have a car so couldn't do both). We are still married nearly 29 years later!

It is only a day.

thefourgp · 22/12/2018 20:09

OP, when you love someone, you want to see them on Christmas Day. That’s what this all boils down to. I can understand he may have reasons for spending time with his parents and kids up to 4pm but if he really loved you he would be making sure you’re available to spend time with him after 4pm. He should be looking forward to spending time with the woman he supposedly loves and says he wants to live with instead of just fitting you in if he’s got nothing better to do later in the day. Sorry, I know that may be painful to hear but it’s the truth and you’re quite right to be angry with him for being so dismissive of your feelings. I agree with others that he has bullshitted you into buying and wrapping his kids Christmas presents. I bet he’s taking them to his parents so his parents can cook all the food and make it special for his children because he can’t be arsed making any effort. If you move in together next year you are going to spend the rest of your life being his servant. He’s a taker and you’re a giver. You deserve better and so do your children. X

Jenny17 · 22/12/2018 20:11

If he couldn't be bothered to discuss his xmas plans because he didn't think but was happy to think that you could buy his presents and wrap them then it doesn't sound like a relationship that you should move in together.

It reminds me of the long song - for all the important things it was the wife.

TrippingTheVelvet · 22/12/2018 20:13

But he's free after 4pm - that's most of the day Confused

SilverLining10 · 22/12/2018 20:14

But you dont even live together, why would his parents feel comfortable having you and your kids over? And it doesnt make sense to do xmas at your place or his because then the rest of the family might not feel comfortable at yours? What he did was completely correct. It might change once yourll are more serious and have taken the steps to he a more family unit

Cheesycheesytwist · 22/12/2018 20:15

You're not thinking of the children here involved at all though. Maybe his children/parents want to spend the day just them, without his girlfriend and her children?! You're not a blended family yet. If you've taken on all this present buying etc that's your choice. I think he's prioritising his children over a girlfriend he doesn't even live with yet, which is the right thing to do imo

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 22/12/2018 20:15

Has he compartmentalised Christmas? You know parents, tick, children to their Mum, tick. Nookie time, tick....

I think you are more ready to be a step mum to his DC than he is to be a step-Dad to yours. I also wonder - though you don’t have to answer - where your children’s father is in this.

I’d be cautious about taking the next steps tbh.

Hiphopopotamous · 22/12/2018 20:16

He told me this 3 weeks ago when I wanted to discuss it. The day he asked me to buy s his presents for everyone

And you still did his shopping after he told you that?
Did you not say anything to him?

PollyFlinderz · 22/12/2018 20:18

Op, I think you’re feeling so bad about this because its only the tip of the iceberg and there are probably other things you’re uneasy about and trying to ignore.

Honeyroar · 22/12/2018 20:21

Why did you agree to do all his Xmas shopping if he'd told you he was spending Xmas dinner without you?? You're also the one who has chosen to give a sack full of gifts to his children, whereas one would've been fine. I think you're already adopting the role of stepmum before you've actually become one. At the moment you're boyfriend and girlfriend.

Personally, as you don't yet live together, I think his way of splitting Xmas day is ok. He spends time with his family and kids, then comes to you at 4 and you can relax with a bottle of fizz together after all the drama.

One red flag for me is the "if I don't have anything else to do" or whatever he said. You should perhaps take your rose coloured glasses off and evaluate if he is putting as much importance and effort into your relationship BEFORE you move in, because anything iffy will amplify when you do move in..

PollyFlinderz · 22/12/2018 20:23

"if I don't have anything else to do" or whatever he said

I agree

Missingstreetlife · 22/12/2018 20:34

He might have given you money to buy for your kids too?
He might have wanted to cook and eat together, that's the hard, lonely bit.
He's a bit of a knob. Is it thoughtless or is it mean? Thoughtless can be changed, mean and selfish not so much.

PBobs · 22/12/2018 20:35

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here. People are accusing the OP of not respecting his time with kids and of not realising he's prioritising his kids when OP is the one who's done all his Christmas shopping for him. I think after 2 years and a discussion (however brief) of moving in that spending Christmas together sounds reasonable. I don't think he's handled this well at all. Sounds as though he's been very cursory with OP and it's not been a chat it's been an announcement by him and that's that. I'm sorry OP. It sounds like he's really not as committed to the relationship as you are. I think the two of you need to have a serious chat in January.

Loopytiles · 22/12/2018 20:38

You’re not speaking to him? That’s aggressive behaviour.

How many times have you - and your DC - met his parents?

Why did you buy his DC so many presents without discussing what you would each organise for your respective DC? Seems a high risk of gift value/effort imbalance.

“ I'm ok for the end of the day when there's no one left to fill in the rest of his Christmas”. He is prioritising his DC - fair enough. And his parents - again, fair enough. 4pm is not the end of the day.

iamyourequal · 22/12/2018 20:38

I really don’t understand anyone who is having a go at the OP and saying she is selfish. It’s absolutely fine boyfriend is spending Christmas Day with his kids at his parents. I wouldn’t expect anything else probably from a newish relationship and it’s important his children have a great day. The issue is what’s happening after 4pm! He doesn’t seem to be showing any enthusiasm or commitment to coming to enjoy Christmas with OP after handing over his children to ex. This would ring alarm bells with me! Who on earth is he wanting to spend Christmas with after 4pm if it’s not his kids and not his girlfriend. They’ve only been going out a couple of years. They should still be all loved up and loving each other’s company!
OP I think this should be a wake up call to you. He doesn’t seem good enough for you. He sounds like a user to be honest. Just focus on having a lovely day with your kids and be wary of hoping for a future with this one. Flowers

Delatron · 22/12/2018 20:42

How do you know he’s not showing enthusiasm or ‘commitment to enjoy’ Christmas with her at that time. He told her he can see her at 4pm, there’s all the rest of the afternoon and evening for them to have a nice time together. Unless you heard the conversation we have no idea how it was delivered.

Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 20:52

I know what will happen....as he said approx 4...which means 5. He would come here....fall asleep as he's been up early...and I will feel even more rejected. I've known him 2 years....that's what he does... falls asleep. For all the people asking why did I but his kids 6 presents each....I don't think it's excessive at all. I known them longer than I have known him...I like being generous..I like them....that's how I am .

OP posts:
Original poster
Paccaface · 22/12/2018 20:53
  • buy
OP posts:
Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 20:55

So don’t have him over then and make Boxing Day a second Christmas Day?

If you want to buy that amount of presents then do it, but don’t use it as a comparison that he does not do the same. It is excessive considering you haven’t blended as a family yet.

MMmomDD · 22/12/2018 20:56

OP - if you want a future with him, or anyone else, really, you need to become less selfish and think of others.
You have only dated for 2 years.
Both of you have children as first priority.
He also has parents.
And you are complaing that he doesn’t chose you over his kids/parents? Saying that other siblings (or relatives) can be with the parents on Xmas??!!

As to who he should have involved in asking about Xmas plans - it’s his kids. He - I hope at least - asked them where they wanted to spend Xmas.
If he started by asking you - i’d seriously question his priorities.

If you make it to blended families - which is questionable - than it’s a different ballgame.

But, if I were him - i’d be thinking quite seriously. This selfishness would have been a huge red flag for me.

PollyFlinderz · 22/12/2018 21:16

...that's what he does... falls asleep

This is what I meant about there being other things bothering you.

ButteryParsnips · 22/12/2018 21:22

You've been a mug to do his present buying for him. Don't have him round Christmas Day. Make yourself and your kids the priority, not him.

HollowTalk · 22/12/2018 21:28

I would feel hurt too, if I were you, especially if, as you say, he's asked you to buy presents etc. I would be swiftly rethinking moving in with him. I don't think he sees you as a team. Don't forget that once you're living with him, it's a hell of a lot harder to end the relationship. It has to be absolutely right before you move in together - to me, it sounds as though it's some way off that.

iamyourequal · 22/12/2018 21:36

Delatron The boyfriend told OP (as quoted in her original post) that he would be around 4pm if " I'm not doing anything" . That doesn’t sound hugely enthusiastic does it?

SparklyMagpie · 22/12/2018 21:40

Can I ask how you met if you've known his children longer than you've known him?

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