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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want to spend Christmas day with me

167 replies

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 17:59

Just hoping to get things into perspective....Ive been with boyfriend for nearly two years ..we both have children living with us from previous marriage, both divorced and live in seperate houses .
Recently he's been saying to me that we should discuss moving in together in the New Year so he's obviously wanting to progress the relationship ,I love him very much and hate being without him. Last year we spent Xmas apart as he went to his family and I was hoping we would spend Xmas together this year ....but he's already made arrangements to go to his parents for the full day with his kids, then at tea time he's dropping them off to his ex wife's. This will be around 4pm...He casually said that after all if that if " I'm not doing anything" then he'll "come and see me." I'm not invited to his parents apparantely ...even though I thought we got on well. So i'll be on my own with my two children 5 and 11. I have no other family....all passed away . I'm really hurt that I'm last on his list of priorities. I'm f angry as well. When I've tried to speak to him about it he just says he didn't think but still says he can only see me in the evening. I.just feel.like he's only seeing me as parents will be tired and kids gone for the night.

OP posts:

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:42

gamerchick....he got my daughter a few unicorn bits and son a couple of avenger monsters...nothing special. He's got a very good job...more money than he knows what to do with.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 22/12/2018 19:44

I do lots for him...probably too much.. and for his kids too .. as I thought we were going to be a family as we've discussed.

So you do lots for him and for his children. Yet he doesn't do much for you or your children.

That's not a family. Sorry.

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:45

It's not about me wanting to go to his parents.....I don't....it's about he's made his plans that don't include me and I think I should be involved in some way.

OP posts:

FlippinNora1 · 22/12/2018 19:46

The balance between you two sounds really off. He uses you for the practical stuff but is still keeping you at arms length for the personal.

I’d also be worried about how important he views your kids versus how important you view his kids. That sounds really off too.

Lastly, you never should accept being the bottom of the list of someone’s priorities. I agree kids come first but after 2 years you and your kids should be a high priority too. Not an afterthought or a back filler when he hasn’t got anything better to do.

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 19:46

So see him at 4ish then? Then you are involved.

ISdads · 22/12/2018 19:47

What do your kids make of all this?

Claref80 · 22/12/2018 19:48

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. If you are at the stage of moving in together, I think most people would expect to be included in Christmas plans, or at the very least, consulted. I would be hurt and upset in your position, as it sounds like visiting you is a bit of an after thought. Particularly as he knows you have no family.

gamerchick · 22/12/2018 19:49

Give it another year before talking about moving in together. You'll know then if you want to or not.

MinecraftHolmes · 22/12/2018 19:51

Normal rules don't apply when there's kids from past relationships though. You're not a pair of childless 20 year olds.

You are involved. He offered to come to yours at 4, once he had made sure his kids had their day and seeing their mum sorted - they are his priority, and should always be. You're cutting off your nose to spite your face by going down the "well fuck you then" route.

Rudgie47 · 22/12/2018 19:52

He sounds like a right user, tell him OP your busy into the new year and spend the time with your kids. Think about if you want this using prick as a future partner.Hes taking you for a right ride.

QueSera · 22/12/2018 19:53

Whether it's right or wrong, I would feel exactly the same as you do.
I would be very upset to feel like I was not in his list of priorities at christmas.
I see that some people here are calling that 'needy' - but everyone's different, I know that I value spending quality time together in a relationship, other people are happy with more space and independence, but that's not me.
He sounds a bit unpleasant in asking you to buy his kids presents from him - that doesn't seem right at all!
I'm sorry to say this, but as others have said, he doesn't seem that into you, or the relationship. I couldn't be with a guy who didn't seem to want to involve me in major events. It just gives me a bad feeling in my gut. I was with a guy like this for years, and looking back I feel that I wasted all that time; I am quite sure that he loved me in theory, but he just never showed much evidence of it lol, and I spent years trying to get some indication that I was important to him. After I eventually worked up the courage to end the relationship, actually being alone was so much better than feeling alone in the relationship.
You've got to assess this in the light of your whole relationship with him, we are only getting a tiny glimpse. But the glimpse we're getting is not great. I hope you find a positive way forward, all the best for the holiday season. You've got your precious kids, enjoy being with them and showing them how much you love them.

MinecraftHolmes · 22/12/2018 19:53

And they're not at the stage of moving in together. They're at the stage of making plans to talk about moving in together. Either of them could decide in the process of those negotiations that blending the families wouldn't work for the kids and that they're better continuing to live apart.

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 19:55

No I'm not involved at all. I'm ok for the end of the day when there's no one left to fill in the rest of his Christmas

OP posts:

MinecraftHolmes · 22/12/2018 19:57

Specifically making plans to visit you after 4 is still involving you in his Christmas though?? His kids come first. They will always come first. Much like I would hope your own do for you. Based on threads here half of MN are only sitting down to their dinner at 4!

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 19:59

Why don’t you stop thinking of you for a minute and think about all the kids here? He probably has a tradition of spending it with his parents and his kids seeing their grandparents on Christmas Day and you expect the kids Christmas to be changed for you?

Not to mention your children having to share the day with his kids. There is years ahead of you to do that. Just chill and enjoy your day with your children.

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 20:00

If his children weren't going to their mum's at that time or his parents had dinner late, I wouldn't see him around 4. It would be much later. That's not being included

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 20:01

But they are!

Hiphopopotamous · 22/12/2018 20:01

I respect that he is putting his kids first for Christmas and think it would be a bit weird for his girlfriend and her kids to go to his parents for Christmas when you're not serious/living together yet.

BUT it looks like there is a massive imbalance in the relationship. Why on earth did you do all his shopping and wrapping? Are you usually a doormat? Why hasn't he reciprocated with nice things for you and your kids?

foggetyfog · 22/12/2018 20:02

OP why on earth didn't you discuss Christmas with him weeks ago if you wanted to spend all day with him? As you're not living together I don't see he is doing anything wrong by going to his parents with his children - the grandparents have been there all the children's lives and, bluntly, you haven't.
Make the most of what may be the last Christmas alone for you and your children, have a lovely meal, go for a walk, watch a film and then enjoy the evening with your boyfriend.

BollockingBaubles · 22/12/2018 20:04

Him going to his parents is a red herring in my opinion.

The issue is he's gotten you to do all his prep because he says he'd get the wrong gifts and you're better at wrapping? No. Is he really saying he has not bought his children the correct things previously Christmases? I doubt that very much, and assuming he is giving you the same list he'd be shopping from what makes you doing it any different to him doing it? I know the answer and it's fuck all to do with making his Children's more special but in easing his own workload.

The reason you feel taken for granted is because he is taking you for granted. I'd bet a million quid that if you move in together you'll be told he always burns his and his dcs clothes so you should do it all, that you're writing is much neater so you should write all gift cards, that you're so much better at coming with ideas so planning gifts for all his family will fall to you. Planning after school shit, meal planning, shipping lists and all the other typical wifework things will fall to you. I'd be talking about expectations re him doing his share of housework, parenting and his headspace of planning and thinking.

I was initially going to say YABU because you don't live together and the children may not be comfortable for a blended xmas yet, that a xmas with just one parent in a family home is different to a Christmas with Dads girlfriend and her children and vice versa for your dc but I actually don't think YABU anymore because it's sounding like it's more about him thinking you're good enough to organise his kids Christmas but not good enough to be part of the day, and it sounds like this incident is one of a few and the time of year has made feel a bit extra shit?

Original poster

Paccaface · 22/12/2018 20:04

He told me this 3 weeks ago when I wanted to discuss it. The day he asked me to buy s his presents for everyone

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 22/12/2018 20:05

Lesson learned, don’t do his shopping for him. Regardless of Christmas Day plans.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 22/12/2018 20:06

I wouldn't move in together any time soon ...

You need to be sure he wants to blend families properly, and not just hoping (consciously or subconsciously) to save money and time by living together and dumping most of the schlepping on you.

RaisinRainbow · 22/12/2018 20:08

Sadly, tend agree with bluejava (he's not that into you)
His behaviour doesnt indicate to me that he holds you in the highest esteem as a mate. IT feels like you would want to spend the prime part of the day together. He sounds to be acting quite casually towards you. For a serious relationship one would expect to spend these important days together.
I hope you find the comfort and companionship on Christmas Day that you are looking for .

YoungLennyGodber · 22/12/2018 20:08

You’re being very selfish here OP. It’s not all about you. Think about that’s best for the children in this scenario, including your own.

I spent Christmas after Christmas as a child with my dad’s girlfriends, and it wasn’t pleasant. They were virtual strangers fo me, as you are to these kids. I would have much preferred to be with my dad and grandparents. If they’d been engaged or had concrete plans to move in together, that would have been different.

And as for the present buying, he didn’t twist your arm. If you didn’t want to do it, then you wouldn’t have done it.

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