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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Now out of my mind with worry about drunk, now ex, 'D'H who stormed out at 3am.

165 replies

IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:42

I don't know what to do, or even if there is anything I can do. I'm feeling incredibly guilty, which is really pissing me off because that's how he should be feeling.

Long story short I caught my husband 'sexting' a relative, including photos and talks of a vid call.

He has form for this although like an idiot I accepted his excuse of stress the first time. He doesn't work, has seemingly been very happy and affectionate and this has completely blindsided me.

I found out at 3am this morning when a phone pinged in the bedroom. Dh was chatting on the computer upstairs but it was also coming through on the phone.

I confronted him, he got angry and stormed out with no thick coat or anything. He sent a few odd texts then radio silence from about 5am.

I'm concerned because he isn't at his DM's, with his Dsis or with the lovely lady on his messages (in Dh's extended family so DH's mum looked - yes eugh)

So now I'm sitting here worrying about a lying shitty bastard and it's annoying the hell out of me. Is there anything I can do to speed up finding out that he is physically ok so I can start moving on, or do I just wait to see when he pops up?

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 22/12/2018 14:01

I'd pack his bags, take it all round to MIL and show her the screenshots so she's under no illusion that you've "lost the plot" or any other charming excuses he will try to make.

Rubytinsleslippers · 22/12/2018 14:14

Catniss's plan is the best.

Fairylightfurore · 22/12/2018 14:22

This is the time when you phone his mother, tell her what he's been up to and what he's been threatening then wash your hands of him.

thethoughtfox · 22/12/2018 14:28

He might not have meant it when he said it before but he has just blown up his family and his extended family may turn against him too. There is always the chance he might go through with it rather than face the music. I would report it to the police and his mother.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/12/2018 14:30

HE is disgusting.

Wordthe · 22/12/2018 16:18

There is always the chance he might go through with it rather than face the music
it's true he does seem to have burned all his bridges

NotTheFordType · 22/12/2018 16:24

I think if I were you OP, I'd report to the police that he's stated he is suicidal and just give them his phone number (since you don't know where he is.)

It will only take them 2 minutes to call him for a welfare check and IME they will do this first before dispatching anyone or trying to find him.

I absolutely agree with your belief that he is bluffing, but for peace of mind I would go this route. Just call 101, not 999.

Also if he is embarrassed by the police calling him, he may think twice before pursuing this manipulative and frankly disgusting threat again.

Wordthe · 22/12/2018 16:32

Also if he is embarrassed by the police calling him, he may think twice before pursuing this manipulative and frankly disgusting threat again
I agree, it may well be best to call him out on this rather than let it go, it sends the message that if he resorts to extreme tactics to manipulate you then the consequences will bite him

Duchessgummybuns · 22/12/2018 17:04

My ex has form for threatening suicide when he’s been caught out cheating. Most recently an OW contacted me over Facebook to tell me he had told her he was planning to end his life. I told her to call 999 and stop bothering me, then forwarded the message to his brothers and asked them to deal with it.

I imagine it’s a sad attempt at getting sympathy. Stay strong OP.

RossPoldarksOW · 22/12/2018 17:30

My ex did this, then killed himself. Please just let the police know. We were seconds too late.

Quarky · 22/12/2018 17:37

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Travisandthemonkey · 22/12/2018 17:39

Call the police. He needs the fucking shame of them dealing with a twat who makes cunty statements to shame him.

Wordthe · 22/12/2018 17:45

I told her to call 999 and stop bothering me, then forwarded the message to his brothers and asked them to deal with it
I think this is an excellent response which out maneuvers (and thus takes the power away from) the person using suicide to manipulate you

you take the threat seriously but without giving him what he wants

yousignup · 22/12/2018 17:49

OP's DH may very well be a terrible person, and OP is almost certainly better off without him, but the nasty comments about suicide are really really inappropriate.

OP, he sounds awful. LTB.
PP, please stop the mean "let him kill himself then" posts.

InsomniacAnonymous · 22/12/2018 17:57

Nasty post Quarky

Bestwestpest · 22/12/2018 18:04

AnyFucker I get where you're coming from, but suicide only takes one successful attempt. I've lost family and friends this way too frequently to believe it's an unlikely outcome in situations like this.

CanuckBC · 22/12/2018 18:04

In all honesty I would report his saying he wants to comity suicide to the police. Although it may be just threats it’s not worth risking it. Also, it will stop him emotionally manipulating you. You threaten suicide, the police are called, every time.

You have forward things to his mom do she may have called him out as well. He is a disgusting man going after a 20 yr old relative! So wrong.

Wordthe · 22/12/2018 18:14

I agree that we ought not to be flippant about suicide, we may all view this bloke as a waste of space but if he takes his own life the people who know him will be devastated, his children will be traumatized, no one wants that
hopefully this just gives him a big kick up the bum and he starts making better choices

Duchessgummybuns · 22/12/2018 18:16

I also arranged for his contact with our daughter to be supervised by his brother and his wife for a while until he had proven to me he was under the care of the community mental health team. In my ex’s case it was all a ploy for sympathy and I knew that, but it wasn’t worth taking the chance.

DoinItForTheKids · 22/12/2018 18:22

That would be, for me, the only reason to report it to the police Duchess - to use it to limit his contact with my DC.

I'm not sure what the stats are, but people generally who vaguely threaten suicide generally don't mean it and are shitheads using it to manipulate other people (speaking from experience). So people are not being flippant, they're speaking from experience. SHAME on all these people pretending to be suicidal just to manipulate someone - that is appalling.

And if he does kill himself, what are some of you saying, that it would be OPs fault?! The reasons people kill themselves are many, complex and multifactorial and to 'pin that' event on one day just isn't remotely fair.

Returning to my first point, ONLY the reason Duchess says is one where I would want to raise it with the police because I might want to control access, and that would be it. Yes, it would be useful on that score but every fact here points to yet another form of manipulation.

It's not funny, it's vile, to threaten suicide and potentially defer 'responsibility' for that to another person. Just another act of utter selfishness really (surprise, surprise).

Urbanbeetler · 22/12/2018 18:23

I would report it too. At least then in the tiny chance he has tried anything, you can be assured you did act on his threat. And if he’s manipulating you only, he’ll have to explain himself to them. He will think twice about using that form of abuse again if he knows this is what you will do.

AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 18:27

Best I am sorry for your experiences but what would you have op do ?

She needs to detach first and foremost

If these are empty threats (they are) then she risks getting dragged back into engaging with the fuckwit. If they are real, then she will not stop him harming himself if he really wants to because she is ending the relationship and everyone has the right to do that no matter the provocation

Bestwestpest · 22/12/2018 18:28

DoinIt nobody is saying it would be the OP's fault at all, not quite sure how you've arrived at that conclusion

AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 18:31

But saying "what if he really means it" is just adding to the emotional weight on op and reinforcing her (misplaced) guilt

If he does mean it or he does follow through....that is on him

JustDanceAddict · 22/12/2018 18:35

That is fucking grim!
I’m so sorry but please don’t take him back.

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