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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Now out of my mind with worry about drunk, now ex, 'D'H who stormed out at 3am.

165 replies

IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:42

I don't know what to do, or even if there is anything I can do. I'm feeling incredibly guilty, which is really pissing me off because that's how he should be feeling.

Long story short I caught my husband 'sexting' a relative, including photos and talks of a vid call.

He has form for this although like an idiot I accepted his excuse of stress the first time. He doesn't work, has seemingly been very happy and affectionate and this has completely blindsided me.

I found out at 3am this morning when a phone pinged in the bedroom. Dh was chatting on the computer upstairs but it was also coming through on the phone.

I confronted him, he got angry and stormed out with no thick coat or anything. He sent a few odd texts then radio silence from about 5am.

I'm concerned because he isn't at his DM's, with his Dsis or with the lovely lady on his messages (in Dh's extended family so DH's mum looked - yes eugh)

So now I'm sitting here worrying about a lying shitty bastard and it's annoying the hell out of me. Is there anything I can do to speed up finding out that he is physically ok so I can start moving on, or do I just wait to see when he pops up?

OP posts:
hellojim · 22/12/2018 10:55

You have no reason to feel guilty. He sounds vile.

sackrifice · 22/12/2018 10:55

Its a tactic to have you calling hospitals and relatives worrying.

Just get on with your day and stop looking at the phone.

Justins · 22/12/2018 10:56

He is doing all this to himself. distract yourself, let his family know and that woman know and they can go looking for him.

AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 10:57

Never let him back. Disgusting pig.

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:58

You are all right, I know that.

The fucker is still toying with me isn't he? Feel stupid for not seeing it straight away.

Oooo this is better, the anger is reappearing.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 22/12/2018 10:59

Obviously he is not doing everything in this video clip, since it's intended to cover as many examples as it can, but blimey he's making a valiant effort!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Brace yourself for him to ramp up the manipulation once he realises you're serious about this being the end.

Juells · 22/12/2018 11:01

I once phoned the police, I was so worried. With a new baby, I was convinced something dreadful must have happened for him to disappear all day. The police said he'd be fine, then he turned up hours later claiming to have been walking all day Hmm Of course he wasn't, he was with OW.

Your H will have a bolt-hole that you know nothing about, and he's just punishing you for finding out what he's up to.

TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter · 22/12/2018 11:01

"AND STAY OUT!"

Sums this up, I feel.

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 11:02

OMFG!!!!

I recognise so many things from that video from the last time I threw him out.

So many...was that woman who made the video spying on me?!

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 22/12/2018 11:03

Feel stupid for not seeing it straight away.

It's harder to see when you're in the midst of it all.

Use your (extremely justified) anger to power you through.

theWarOnPeace · 22/12/2018 11:03

You’ve definitely fallen into the trap he’s created. Turning it around on you, blaming it on stress, and essentially ghosting you to increase your guilt and worry. What a disgusting and manipulative animal. Sexting a 20yrs younger relative??? Please tell me she’s not a teenager? He’s absolutely repulsive and you’ll never ever be happy with him again. There’s not many times I could categorically say that as a statement of fact, but you’ll always know he did this. Even if he manipulates you into having him back, the damage is done surely?

Travisandthemonkey · 22/12/2018 11:04

He clearly wants you to think he’s dead in a ditch so you’ll be so panicked and worried that you’ll forget all about him being a creepy sexter.

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 11:05

Yes he is a grade A bastard. He was still messaging her (forgetting the phone was upstairs I could still see it) asking if he could crash at her place because he was about to be homeless! This was all while professing his undying love and sorrow (shortly before morphing to indignant rage that I'd even looked at what the beep was on the phone)

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 22/12/2018 11:06

You might find the rest of the Freedom Programme interesting then!

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Be warned, when I went on it, I sat there the first week thinking "oh shit, they've written this about my life"...

Wordthe · 22/12/2018 11:08

he has done this to try and spin things, to try and put himself in the role of victim ( or person at risk of coming to harm because of being out in the cold drunk) rather than perpetrator

it's a knee jerk response rather than I thought out well considered plan, but the aim is to try and get control of the situation
You can run rings around this arsehole, no problems

busybarbara · 22/12/2018 11:08

Definitely don't let this guy back into your life. A 20 year younger relative? That means he's known this person since she was a little girl and that is creepy to the max. Unless he's in his 50s or 60s he's probably been waiting for her to be old enough Xmas Confused He isn't stepping in the door ever again!

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 11:08

You are right, I never want him back again. I think my eyes have finally opened up to what he is capable of, all while playing the doting husband to my face.

He was even calling me out to the OW ( early twenties I think) saying I'm a nag and am always 'keeping tabs' on him. Hmm

Wish I had been now!

OP posts:
tubspreciousthings · 22/12/2018 11:09

This is not your fault, no matter where/when he turns up.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 22/12/2018 11:09

How the hell could you feel "guilty" about anything at all in this situation?

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 11:10

Thank you, that looks quite interesting...certainly seems to fit some things I'd been trying to ignore.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 22/12/2018 11:10

He might be a grade a bastard but he's totally and utterly incompetent at being a bastard, or is his badly concealed wrongdoing deliberate, is it part of his having a laugh at you by openly cheating?

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 11:11

'How the hell could you feel "guilty" about anything at all in this situation?'

I know! Insane right?

Actually I think I may have been conditioned over the years to respond like this. He's wronged me in other ways and somehow it's always been my fault, my guilt.

OP posts:
Wordthe · 22/12/2018 11:12

He's just loving all the attention from two different women, even if the attention from you is bad attention, ie you're angry with him it still fuels him, makes him feel powerful and important

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 22/12/2018 11:15

Imagine your daughter or son told you this story. What would you tell them to do?

Now do that.

Wordthe · 22/12/2018 11:15

I have found the work of HG Tudor very helpful in understanding these types of behaviours he has a blog and there are YouTube videos