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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Now out of my mind with worry about drunk, now ex, 'D'H who stormed out at 3am.

165 replies

IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:42

I don't know what to do, or even if there is anything I can do. I'm feeling incredibly guilty, which is really pissing me off because that's how he should be feeling.

Long story short I caught my husband 'sexting' a relative, including photos and talks of a vid call.

He has form for this although like an idiot I accepted his excuse of stress the first time. He doesn't work, has seemingly been very happy and affectionate and this has completely blindsided me.

I found out at 3am this morning when a phone pinged in the bedroom. Dh was chatting on the computer upstairs but it was also coming through on the phone.

I confronted him, he got angry and stormed out with no thick coat or anything. He sent a few odd texts then radio silence from about 5am.

I'm concerned because he isn't at his DM's, with his Dsis or with the lovely lady on his messages (in Dh's extended family so DH's mum looked - yes eugh)

So now I'm sitting here worrying about a lying shitty bastard and it's annoying the hell out of me. Is there anything I can do to speed up finding out that he is physically ok so I can start moving on, or do I just wait to see when he pops up?

OP posts:
alansleftfoot · 22/12/2018 10:43

Ignore him

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:43

Missed out fairly important part of the op, he was steaming blind drunk.

OP posts:
Nothisispatrick · 22/12/2018 10:44

...sexting his own relative?

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:44

alansleftfoot I really want to do that, but I just can't stop pacing.

I don't want him anywhere near me, I don't know I'm so worried.

OP posts:
Trills · 22/12/2018 10:44

Get on with your day. Try to think about other things.

Do you have children? Or are you free to go do something to take your mind off it? Maybe go see a film? Widows is very good.

Birdsgottafly · 22/12/2018 10:45

Check the hospitals.

IME, there's usually somewhere they can go that you won't think of. But like a child who storms out, they hope they are so badly missed/worried about that it'll all blow over.

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:45

Ohhh yup, can't really say the exact relation in case it's outing but they could legally get married I guess (which he did actually message her, smooth charmer that he is bleugh) Quite a close family too.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 22/12/2018 10:45

Why waste your time worrying about him, when he isn’t in the slightest bit concerned about your feelings?

He’ll be safe at a mate’s house.

DartmoorDoughnut · 22/12/2018 10:47

Ugh, what a prick

araiwa · 22/12/2018 10:47

What?

Sexting who? Neice? Cousin? His family?

Eww

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:47

Yes a very young DD and DS, I'm being an awful mum and popping them in front of cbeebies today, I've been up all night. Putting on a smiley face for them but I just want to know he is safe, so I don't feel so guilty iyswim?

OP posts:
TheQueef · 22/12/2018 10:48

He sounds charming.

He can clearly manage himself to orchestrate an affair so stop worrying. For all you know he's tucked up sleeping it off and 'relative' lied to mil.

Let him paddle his own canoe.

blackcat86 · 22/12/2018 10:48

All of the yuck! Don't waste your time worrying. You've been more than lovely in letting his family know and they can take responsibility for making sure he's ok. Good riddance

iLoveFoood · 22/12/2018 10:48

😱

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:49

I know, it's just he sent a broken message about it being cold and being sleepy.

I told him to stop being daft as his mothers is a mile away and he could jog there to keep warm but haven't heard anything since.

OP posts:
Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:50

I suppose, thank you for reminding me why I shouldn't be fretting like this.

It doesn't seem fair, I've been duped but I'm the one that gets to sit around stressed.

OP posts:
DonaldDucksTowel · 22/12/2018 10:50

Eurgh!
I think I’d be hoping he never came back, dirty bastard

Original poster
IcyVeins · 22/12/2018 10:51

Yeah, massive age difference as well between him and this girl, about 20 years.

Makes my skin crawl.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/12/2018 10:51

The first mistake you made was accepting "stress" as a reason for sexting. Think about it, if you were under stress, why would that make you send dirty messages to someone?

And now this is a relative? Ugh. You know what, he'll look after himself. He'll be somewhere safe, no doubt asleep still, and you are the one worrying. Stop it. Focus on your lovely children and don't waste another moment worrying about that man.

Beaverhausen · 22/12/2018 10:52

Ok he is more than likely sleeping it off at a friend's or at hers.

People will do things like this to work on your emotions and to garner sympathy and care.

Personally I would pack his things drop it off at hers and send him a text telling him where his belongings are. It might also be an idea to inform his family of what has been going on.

It is a bad time of year but he is going to manipulate the shit out of you.

So sorry you have to deal with a shitty man at this time of year.

HollowTalk · 22/12/2018 10:52

Double ugh with the age difference.

He's just trying to make you feel guilty. Ignore him.

HippoLatte · 22/12/2018 10:52

He's trying to scare you into thinking the worst so you will be so relieved when he shows his filthy mug again, maybe so relieved that you forgive him because you've thought how awful it would be if he was really gone.

Don't fall for it, no matter where he is/what he's done/what he's threatening to do, you shouldn't be guilted into taking him back or this will be what he does every time he fucks up.

Beaverhausen · 22/12/2018 10:53

And be prepared for him to blame it on the alcohol.

AnoukSpirit · 22/12/2018 10:54

I know, it's just he sent a broken message about it being cold and being sleepy.

Well, that's transparently manipulative. I like your response. His silence will be because he didn't get the worried, pleading, "I forgive you so just come home" response he was after so he's escalating.

He's done this to worry you, to try and control your reaction to his wrongdoing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

So, don't worry and stop doing what he wants. If you keep worrying he's still controlling your reaction to what he's done. Take control and follow through on your next steps for making him your ex.

MsLexic · 22/12/2018 10:55

Ignore the horrible man. Maybe think about leaving him. Sounds a very nasty sort of person. Sorry you are going through this, I have been through the same. Bit of luck he'll catch flu.