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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you think I should leave or keep trying?

159 replies

confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:22

My loving, happy, can't get enough of each other relationship has somehow turned into us basically just being housemates and I don't know how.

I'm pregnant (planned), and I knew things would change, but my DP has no interest in me since we got the positive result. Doesn't want to have sex, doesn't want to spend any time with me, gets really angry at me when I tell him that I'm upset with the way things have changed. And for a while I've just been plodding on and getting occasionally upset but the more time that passes, the less I want to even try. I'm struggling with the pregnancy in lots of ways (it's bloody hard work isn't it?! Women are great!) and feel like I've had zero support from him. And to be honest, I don't even want to spend time with the person he's become. I have booked us a surprise trip for after Christmas, which I hoped would bring us closer again, and now I'm lying in bed, alone with the flu whilst he sits downstairs drinking, alone, wondering if I should just get up and go tomorrow. I still love him but I don't think there's anything else I can try and I just don't see what I'd be missing.

I've spoken to him and he says things will be better when the baby comes, but I don't want to wait another 4 months to have my partner back.

Everyone has noticed he's completely different towards me too. His own family have asked why I've stuck around, and I'm running out of reasons now.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 22/12/2018 00:26

Why does he think it's ok to treat you like shit till the baby comes?

pumpkinpie01 · 22/12/2018 00:28

This must be so upsetting for you, could you go and stay with a friend/relative and just leave him a note that might shock him into getting his act together .

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:28

@VimFuego101 I honestly have no idea. He actually said the other day "obviously I won't act like this when the baby comes".
And don't get me wrong of course I want the fairytale where it's the 3 of us all together under 1 roof.... but I won't stay with him just because we're having a child.

I have absolutely no idea what's going on and he seems totally oblivious to the fact things have changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:30

@pumpkinpie01 yeah, I could leave but I think if I go, I'll go for good. I don't want to have to scare him into wanting to be with me, I want him to just want me because he wants me (sorry if that sounds soppy).

I sat him down a few days ago and said I think our relationship is dying and he said I was being insane. I know my hormones are all over the place, but the fact we don't sleep in the same bed anymore nor spend any time whatsoever together when we were very close before.... that can't just be hormones!

OP posts:
Millykitty · 22/12/2018 00:32

He's not oblivious if he says that he won't act like this after the baby comes. He knows he's treating you poorly.
I'd leave. Make a stand that you don't deserve to be treated like shit, and won't put up with it.
Pregnancy is hard and you want a partner that's helping you through it, and cares about you.

pumpkinpie01 · 22/12/2018 00:34

What reason did he give for sleeping in another room ? Does he talk about the baby ? Ask how your day has been ?

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2018 00:36

He will be even worse when the baby comes, if he's like this now imagine how he will be with a screaming child in the house 24/7 and a partner who is far to busy to run around after a manchild.
How long have you been together?

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:37

He talks about baby loads with other people, but he barely speaks to me at all.

We usually have fallen out to be honest so that's why I usually sleep downstairs. It's crazy because I still do love him so much, but I also am just so over it.

I have the flu quite bad and would love to just cuddle up and talk or watch rubbish on tv, and I told him that and he said he would be up soon. That was 5 hours ago. Now I just hope he falls asleep down there tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:39

@madcatladyforever two years, and honestly I had never been so confident in a relationship before. He was so thoughtful, complimentary and loving. Everyone used to say how clear it was that we were smitten, my family were besotted with him. He was so close to my parents he'd be at their house even when I wasn't around sometimes just for a cuppa.

Now everyone can see that we've lost our connection. Both of my parents have been in hospital recently and he didn't even ask how they were let alone visit with me. So strange.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 22/12/2018 00:43

Two years isn't very long, I think it takes at least that to really know someone and a baby at this stage can really bring out someones true colours.
I just can't see how things will magically get back to normal when there is a baby around.
A baby causes maximum disruption even with a really stable relationship.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:47

@madcatladyforever I know, I even thought as I wrote this thread that I'd see how our trip went. But sitting here alone for the millionth night in a row (baring in mind he doesn't like me going out!), I think I'd be so much better off out of this so I can enjoy the end of my pregnancy.

I'm so excited to become a mother and his behaviour has made me really miserable this whole pregnancy and that's just not fair on my baby. She deserves all the excitement in the world! And I think he deserves to know what being this lonely feels like now.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 22/12/2018 00:51

As Catlady says, 2 years really isn’t long. That’s not a criticism of you or your choice to have a baby, but it helps to remember the facts because emotion can cloud the reality.

And the reality is that he’s shown he’s not there for you when you need him. This is a time he should be the most reliable person possible.

Having a baby is the most stress you can put on a relationship - if he’s acting like this now it doesn’t bode well.

It’s cards on the table time. You need to talk to him properly. Not that you feel you’ve lost your connection, but tell him he’s not behaving well, he’s mistreating you, hurting you and you currently don’t want to be with him.

I’d be ready to leave but hope you might get him to wake up. If not you can move on knowing you did the best you could.

Merryoldgoat · 22/12/2018 00:51

What do you mean he doesn’t like you going out? Is he controlling as well?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/12/2018 00:54

He doesn't like you going out? Who made him the boss of you?!

You aren't married. You don't say whose house it is but I'd either leave or get him out. He is making a choice to treat you badly because he thinks he doesn't need to try now you are pregnant. He won't improve. Stop covering for him. If someone mentions the loss of "spark" just say yes, you can't understand it either but he assures you he will go back to the loving partner once the baby is born. See how quickly their eyebrows disappear up their forehead.

Can you cancel the trip or take someone else, bugger whether or not he "likes" it.

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 00:55

Some men really just don't like trying to get it on with a pregnant woman. Sad, but true. How their partner changes confuses them. It's not what they expected.

posthistoricmonsters · 22/12/2018 00:55

He doesn't like you going out?

And he's aware of his behaviour.

And you've been together two years and are having a baby.

I'm starting to wonder if there's any other things you haven't really realised about him. Any funny rules about your friends or clothing choices or restrictions or preferences he has over things in your life?

Has he ever used anything against you to get his way?

civicxx · 22/12/2018 01:03

@showmeshoyu

Wasn't what they were expecting haha?! Have they never seen a pregnant person before? Do they think we grow them without growing ourselves haha! Crazy.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/12/2018 01:05

Some men really just don't like trying to get it on with a pregnant woman. Sad, but true. How their partner changes confuses them. It's not what they expected.

Boo hoo. Doesn't mean they get to be arseholes about it. It's hardly exactly what you expect when you're the one being pregnant either. Maybe he should use his big boy words and explain to his partner rather than just withdraw affection and tell her to come back when the baby is out and presumably, if that's the case, when she has her pre-baby figure back.

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 01:05

I'm not saying it's not wrong. But life affects people in unpredictable ways.

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 01:07

And I entirely agree, he should use his big boy words... that's the most desperately sad thing about this predicament.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 22/12/2018 01:17

I wonder if it’s the Madonna/ Whore complex that men who are heavily into porn seem to get, especially when their wives/ partners are pregnant. Suddenly you are this pure Madonna, carrying his child, who he couldn’t possibly consider doing anything sexual with. Especially with his saying that he won’t be the same when the baby is born.

It sounds like he has completely disconnected from you now you are pregnant. I would need to know why. I definitely think a trial separation is needed. You can have space to enjoy the end of your pregnancy and he has to actually decide to either make a concertive effort to reconnect with you or move on.

I am concerned however that you have mentioned that he dislikes you going out. It is common for domestic violence to begin in pregnancy, so if you have any reason to believe that he may become aggressive or violent then contact Woman’s Aid for advice. In fact if you look up ‘the abuser profiles from Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’’ one of the first links is to a Facebook post which has an excerpt where you can read the different abuser profiles. If any of it seems familiar then definitely contact Woman’s Aid for advice.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 22/12/2018 01:19

who is giving up their bed? you or him?

My advice to any friend who gets with this kind of man( the type who takes it upon themselves to woo the parents and show everyone how in love you are) is to run a mile

Noodella18 · 22/12/2018 01:44

I’m preggo too and we had a bit of a bumpy patch where my partner got a massive bee in his bonnet about doing some diy. Sounds silly but it dragged on for weeks and we argued loads. Eventually helped him to join the dots and discovered that he was having a crisis about his changing role and what that meant in terms of being a ‘good partner’ which was driving him to try to prove himself in diy (despite me not giving a shit about said diy).

Your situation is clearly more concerning than mine, but i do wonder if he’s having a bit of a meltdown but perhaps can’t quite understand exactly what he’s feeling? It sounds like you’ve tried to talk to him about the relationship, but maybe try to explore how he’s actually feeling about the baby coming, share some of your own concerns, fears etc (not related to him!) and get him to open up? If things were fine before pregnancy presumably this is baby/becoming a dad related but he might not even realise it.

Pontingss · 22/12/2018 05:31

Even if he does suddenly go back to normal as soon as you have the baby (which would be extremely weird) I'm not sure that you’ll be able to forgive him for the way he’s treated you. He’s completely let you down (and your family too from the sounds of it, I hope your parents are ok now). It must be very disappointing given how nice he was and how hopeful you must have been but I personally would leave him. He’s not a partner to you and you deserve a lot more. Even his own family are saying so! I’m sorry, it’s horrible for you Flowers

Pontingss · 22/12/2018 05:33

Also is there anything to suggest he could be having an affair?

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