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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think I should leave or keep trying?

159 replies

confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:22

My loving, happy, can't get enough of each other relationship has somehow turned into us basically just being housemates and I don't know how.

I'm pregnant (planned), and I knew things would change, but my DP has no interest in me since we got the positive result. Doesn't want to have sex, doesn't want to spend any time with me, gets really angry at me when I tell him that I'm upset with the way things have changed. And for a while I've just been plodding on and getting occasionally upset but the more time that passes, the less I want to even try. I'm struggling with the pregnancy in lots of ways (it's bloody hard work isn't it?! Women are great!) and feel like I've had zero support from him. And to be honest, I don't even want to spend time with the person he's become. I have booked us a surprise trip for after Christmas, which I hoped would bring us closer again, and now I'm lying in bed, alone with the flu whilst he sits downstairs drinking, alone, wondering if I should just get up and go tomorrow. I still love him but I don't think there's anything else I can try and I just don't see what I'd be missing.

I've spoken to him and he says things will be better when the baby comes, but I don't want to wait another 4 months to have my partner back.

Everyone has noticed he's completely different towards me too. His own family have asked why I've stuck around, and I'm running out of reasons now.

OP posts:
ButtMuncher · 22/12/2018 14:29

Him saying when the baby is here it'll be better is frankly not factoring in sleep deprivation, feeding nightmares, the stress of having a newborn/toddler. I dare say most relationships get tested beyond measure when a baby arrives, so if he's acting like this without actually having had the baby, I would bet money on him getting worse when you actually give birth. I'm sorry OP Thanks

iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 22/12/2018 14:45

@Noodella18 complex man? He's moody and 'scared' and you have to predict and manage his behaviour. I wouldn't be encouraging anyone to be in a relationship like this.

Cleo18 · 22/12/2018 16:02

None of us knows him - only you know him. Posters project - I did - we base our opinion on what we know. All helpful for a bigger picture but only you know this man.

If you feel it is over then that's what you feel. You need to leave and put things in place for the birth of your child.

If you think this is temporary then talk to him, try to understand and tell him how much this is hurting you. See if you can weather this storm and become stronger because of it.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 17:07

Just sat him down and asked about every aspect of his life and he seems genuinely happy and calm with everything (including baby), besides us. He said that he is aware we're distant but that he is just enjoying his own space and time as he won't have much when baby arrived and that he still wants to be with me.

I said I get that but we won't have much us time either, and I don't want another x amount of months like this, and he said we will be together 247 when baby comes. Which I am sure we will, but as parents and not as us! He even said that a reason for us to stay together is so we can go to parents evenings together?😩

I said I missed him and wasn't happy and he basically said I need to get on with it and I got a bit upset and he said "stop the waterworks" and walked off.

Now I'm just totally baffled. He's so convincing I'm actually half wondering if I am asking too much of him???

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 22/12/2018 17:31

Honestly, he sounds like a dick.

I can see you doing all the childcare alone when the baby comes. You'd be better off leaving now.

Noodella18 · 22/12/2018 17:32

@iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob not sure if you're talking about OP's or my partner. Mine went through a moody and scared patch, yes. Our brilliant relationship seemed to have soured overnight, but with a lot of communication and understanding it's now better than ever and he is no longer moody and scared. Sometimes things come along which push his buttons, but as i said, i now recognise what's hapoening and know how to talk it through. He equally understands me and what to do when my buttons are pressed. Life is always chucking challenging situations at you and sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees in how you react and i think it's absolutely essential in a relationship to be able to help your partner through them - he supports me just as much as i support him and we're a solid team. I would never advocate staying in a relationship where one person is not getting their needs met and my thoughts were intended to share my experience of how i solved a similar issue in my own relationship. As i said, her situation sounds unbearable and needs to change, but the avoidant attachment theme might be one to explore.

TooTrueToBeGood · 22/12/2018 17:39

We all need our own space now and then but not to the extreme he's taking it. He shouldn't be in a relationship with you if he doesn't want your company. I don't see what will change about that when the baby arrives. Frankly, it sounds like he sees you as nothing more than a brood mare.

Downwiththatsortofthing252 · 22/12/2018 17:39

OP he sounds awful, especially the not wanting you to go out and telling you to stop the waterworks when you try to talk to him.

My STBEX and I had a DS and things weren't great, I was nearly fully convinced to leave him and go it alone, it would have been doable. But I gave it another shot over a week away, and unfortunately became pregnant with twins 😣 I love all my kids, but I am stuck with my partner for the foreseeable because childcare for 3 costs ridiculous money.

We fight all the time now, he ignores every word I say, I'm on maternity payand it ends next month, I don't know what I'll do for money then. I remember him saying as I was in tears in hospital (while worried about the twins jaundice levels) to "pull myself together", so your last post resonates with me. He also ignored me during the last pregnancy, never asking about any of the scans or appointments (and there are lots with twins, at least one a fortnight).

Based on my experience,I'd tell you to cut your losses and run, life can be so much better when a fucker like that isn't in your home or everyday life

TheWernethWife · 22/12/2018 17:47

And register the baby yourself in your name and don't put him on the birth certificate or you will be tied to the moody twat forever.

Merryoldgoat · 22/12/2018 18:01

Imagine how you’d react if someone you loved said they weren’t happy and felt the relationship was failing? Would you shrug it off?

He’s a dick.

I’d be packing and leaving tonight.

losingfaith · 22/12/2018 18:12

Sorry op but you both seem to accept there is a problem. It sounds like You're the only one doing anything to try to fix it and he has rebuffed you and sounds quite callous - he can see you're upset and walked off. You don't treat people you "love" like that.

RoboticSealpup · 22/12/2018 18:27

He just told you he intends to continue being an asshole and that you should suck it up. It's up to you where you do that or not.

Star81 · 22/12/2018 18:35

Sorry your dealing with this: do you have family that you could go and stay with even just over Christmas ?

DiaryofWimpyMum · 22/12/2018 18:55

He sounds awful, imagine telling you stop the waterworks Shock

RoboticSealpup · 22/12/2018 18:59

Sorry, I just realised how callous that came across, which was not my intention at all. What I meant was that I think he's being quite clear that this is how he's going to behave and he doesn't care that it upsets you. That's really bad. And I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. But I remember thinking when I had my first child that if my relationship hadn't been good, it would've been easier to be alone. The baby needs all your energy and attention and you're not going to want to deal with this kind of bullshit and someone telling you to "stop the waterworks" when you're emotional, which is likely to happen a lot because having a newborn is really hard. Best of luck.

PumpkinKitty82 · 22/12/2018 21:03

He won’t change by the sounds of it and if anything it’ll get worse and he’ll start to resent you , I’ve seen it before .
However you should really praise yourself as you seem like a very strong lady and that’s refreshing .
I stayed with a cheater when I was younger because of our DS and it really messed with me mentally ..even now .
Luckily I found someone else and we couldn’t be happier , been together 15 years but just wish I’d done it sooner !
Best of luck

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 21:03

I think my mind is made up. He's told me that I should be grateful he isn't out cheating on me, call me old fashioned by that just isn't the kind of romantic footnote I'm looking for.

The only problem is, I am really, really scared of doing this alone. Luckily I have wonderful family who I know will help me but I can't help but be scared, and if I'm really honest - a little bit heartbroken.

OP posts:
PumpkinKitty82 · 22/12/2018 21:05

What a complete dick!
It’s easy for me to say “you’ll be fine “ but you honestly will. As you say , you have a family that loves you and will support you . Don’t underestimate that !
I’m glad I brought up my ds alone as staying with his dad would’ve caused even more heartache ds and me ..

losingfaith · 22/12/2018 21:50

Honestly raising your child alone will be better than living with a dick like him that is trying to crush you and make you feel "grateful" for keeping his penis in his pants and not cheating on you. Honestly, you and your child can do so much better. Don't put him on the birth certificate and do look up your rights re child maintenance etc.

losingfaith · 22/12/2018 21:51

Sorry, meant to say it is normal to be heartbroken. This is a massive betrayal. So sorry you're going through this.

iamthewalrusgoogoogjoob · 22/12/2018 22:20

Op my ex was similar to your 'd'p. I gave birth and raised my child on my own, until I met my now dh. Staying with my ex would have been horrendous. It was hard looking after a baby on my own (and had no family support) but it would have been harder with him around. I was terrified too but once my baby was born all my energy and love went to him and the heartbreak I felt disappeared.

I agree about leaving and not putting him on the birth certificate. It sounds like he is isolating you and being verbally abusive, as well as emotionally. He won't spend time with you, but he doesn't let you spend time with anyone else either. It is very true that domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy.

I can't imagine my dh ever watching me cry, never mind watching me cry while pregnant. I'm sorry he treated you that way.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 22:49

I've just told him I think we should split up, to say he hasn't taken it well would be an understatement.

He said he hates me, that I'm a bitch and that he hopes I am never happy and that I don't deserve the baby.

How is it possible that this is the same human who 6 months ago was the perfect gentleman!?

OP posts:
ferntwist · 22/12/2018 23:01

Oh my God OP that’s terrible. So glad you’re going to leave. That response from him tells you everything you need to know. He clearly has some kind of deep-seated problem around becoming a father and he is taking it out on you in a vicious and ugly way.
Please don’t stay there tonight and if you can don’t be on your own with him again. I’m not joking. Saying you don’t deserve the baby? You’re not safe there.

ferntwist · 22/12/2018 23:02

Can you go to your family tonight or a friend’s place? He sounds unstable.

Weenurse · 22/12/2018 23:04

That response is an eye opener.
Run very far away

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