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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think I should leave or keep trying?

159 replies

confusedatchristmas1 · 22/12/2018 00:22

My loving, happy, can't get enough of each other relationship has somehow turned into us basically just being housemates and I don't know how.

I'm pregnant (planned), and I knew things would change, but my DP has no interest in me since we got the positive result. Doesn't want to have sex, doesn't want to spend any time with me, gets really angry at me when I tell him that I'm upset with the way things have changed. And for a while I've just been plodding on and getting occasionally upset but the more time that passes, the less I want to even try. I'm struggling with the pregnancy in lots of ways (it's bloody hard work isn't it?! Women are great!) and feel like I've had zero support from him. And to be honest, I don't even want to spend time with the person he's become. I have booked us a surprise trip for after Christmas, which I hoped would bring us closer again, and now I'm lying in bed, alone with the flu whilst he sits downstairs drinking, alone, wondering if I should just get up and go tomorrow. I still love him but I don't think there's anything else I can try and I just don't see what I'd be missing.

I've spoken to him and he says things will be better when the baby comes, but I don't want to wait another 4 months to have my partner back.

Everyone has noticed he's completely different towards me too. His own family have asked why I've stuck around, and I'm running out of reasons now.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 23/12/2018 09:36

Good Lord, I am shocked by the way he has behaved, and I can feel your shock through the posts too, as he stoops ever lower to try and avoid behaving like a decent human being at every chance given.

His behaviour is foul. He’s showing an inside that is nothing like the admirable and good man that you knew - the man you thought you were in love with, in a relationship with. It’s so disturbing, how much one man can change, without warning or provocation - provocation that a normal person would count as provocation anyway. I’m sure there’s a trigger for him that makes all sorts of sense inside his nasty husk of a mind. But it doesn’t make sense in your world because in your world people don’t change on a dime like this, they don’t use weak excuses to become abusive and self centred and basically utterly disgusting and warped. But sadly, it seems, that sometimes they do. Flowers

You are being brilliant. In these circumstances you are doing everything you can the best way you can: trying to keep you two together for as long as you could, then trying to speak to him kindly and sensibly, and then trying to broach the idea of a split explaining why again kindly and sensibly.

Carry on as you are, being sensible and kind, to yourself and to your baby. You both are well out of it. He sounds revolting and a bit scary actually right now.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 23/12/2018 11:50

Haven't heard a peep from him, kind of hoped I'd get an apology but I guess it's the proof I needed that I'm doing the right thing!

Thank you all so much for your comments, you have no idea how much you've helped me xx

OP posts:
Readysteadygoat · 23/12/2018 12:05

I'd also like to add how impressed I am with your strength and self respect. I find so many posts on here frustrating because the poster doesn't seem to value themselves enough to make a change. You've done exactly that. I think you're going to be great

Yulebealrite · 23/12/2018 12:34

He's probably thinking that you'll run back to him. If attacking you verbally hasn't worked, ignoring you hasn't worked, I'd bet his next move will be a charm offensive. He'll be contrite and full of promises.

He's tried the most beneficial to him responses. Now he'll be resorting to anything to get you back under his control.
Don't fall for it.

Flowers
Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 23/12/2018 22:25

He's been in touch but only with more abusive language and playing the innocent Mr.

He's told me that he will be taking our child when they're born ... insanity x

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 23/12/2018 22:27

That is worrying. I'd start thinking about recording exchanges for legal purposes

RoboticSealpup · 23/12/2018 22:35

You're not married so I don't think he automatically has any rights to the baby.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 23/12/2018 22:38

I'm not worried at all, he's just saying it out of anger and to try and stress me out.
I am going to look into my rights though just because his anger has worried me slightly the last two days.
Thank god ive got that recording!

OP posts:
flowerpott · 23/12/2018 22:40

He just sounds awful. I can only think he must be unwell, there is no justification for treating the mother of your unborn child that way. Well done for getting yourself out of there, absolutely the right thing to do. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you've already done the hard part, just make sure you remember how much of a tw*t he is!

Merryoldgoat · 23/12/2018 23:01

I’d suggest not letting him know when you’ve had the baby and registering them without him so he doesn’t automatically have PR.

Men like this baffle me. No interest in you or the baby whilst you’re there. You leave and then suddenly he wants the baby so much he’s going to take it away.

Fucking prick.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 23/12/2018 23:08

What baffles me is that he's shown absolutely no remorse for the disgusting things he's said to me. Don't get me wrong I don't even want an apology or anything now, but on what planet is it ok for a person to tell another person they "hope something bad happens to you" let alone your pregnant partner?!!

It's so confusing that he's changed this much, I think that's why I'm not crying yet because I'm still in shock. Christmas is going to be tough but I'd rather do it without him than be called those names ever again.

OP posts:
wakemewhenitsallover · 23/12/2018 23:14

You've seriously dodged a bullet here. This man is abusive. If you had the baby as a couple and his name was on the birth cert you'd be a much harder time separating once he showed his true colours.

As it is, you can start afresh without him and without putting him on the birth cert.

tubspreciousthings · 23/12/2018 23:39

I echo others. Separate yourself from him as quickly as possible (especially financially) and make plans to raise this baby alone. It's also worth logging somewhere how abusive he's been to you. And don't put him on the birth certificate & make sure you give the baby your last name.

HoHoFuck · 24/12/2018 01:37

Have back ups of that recording, OP, as well as all the awful messages this man left you.

When you go to your house to get whatever you need, go with someone (preferably a man). I wouldn't put it past him to get physical with you.

Well done for leaving Wine

GooseLose · 24/12/2018 05:45

Well done.

My partner wasn’t in a great place after the birth (albeit he finally did get his shit together and we are in a good place now). Looking back I know it would have been much easier without him, I ended up doing all the heavy lifting anyway - mums kind of have to esp if you breastfeed.

The first few months are when you are at your most vulnerable and you wouldn’t have the strength to do what you just did, by the sound of it you would be constantly undermined instead of supported and might have ended up trapped with him for the foreseeable and a shadow of your former self.

You have 100% done the right thing.

CookieWarbler · 24/12/2018 07:20

Wow OP. Well done. I'm so glad you value yourself and your baby so much to do the right thing - it takes huge strength to do what you've done. Congratulations on your pregnancy, your baby already has a brilliant role model! Flowers

Collidascope · 24/12/2018 07:29

Well done, OP. I hope you're feeling better today and that your family are helping to support you through this.

bastardkitty · 24/12/2018 07:31

I am so relieved you left OP. He is a textbook abuser. Have you backed up the voice recording and texts threatening to take the baby? I know it's scary but you will be so much better away from him.

ferntwist · 24/12/2018 07:37

OP I’m in awe of you, you’re handling this so well. It probably doesn’t feel like it right now but you sound incredibly strong. What a genius idea to record his vile rant.
So pleased that you’re safe and sound and away from the bastard. Enjoy Christmas and nurturing yourself and your lovely little baby-to-come.

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 24/12/2018 07:49

He sounds absolutely awful. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. He can’t force you. I hope you have a lovely Christmas despite all of this Flowers

UhUhUhDennis · 24/12/2018 08:10

God well done OP! Good for you getting away from such an asshole. I'm sure you've already been told but don't put his name on the birth certificate and good luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy xx

JustThisTimeAgain · 24/12/2018 10:45

I would keep recording and taking screenshots of all your interactions with him. It will help you later on if you need to go to the police or in court.

ciderhouserules · 24/12/2018 15:13

OP - you do seem to have dodged a bullet! It's not unknown for abusers to be MrCharming, Everyone-Loves-Him characters for a while; even 2 years. Then when you are totally entrapped/pregnant/in love, the mask slips. Because at that stage, you are not going anywhere easily.

He can then show his true colours - you are 'in love' and want to get back MrCharming, if only you can find the right words, or do the right thing. He had already started to isolate you from your friends (because he 'loves you' so much, it's sweet really, how much he cares... Angry) and now you are pregnant, he has even more hold over you.

That's the controller's MO. You are supposed to be under his spell, and doing whatever he wants, no question. You are also not supposed to be talking to others about it - this controlling can only happen in the darkness - shine a light on it and the control shrivels up.

Well done for getting out! Be aware now that the Script he will follow goes ;
Nasty; abusive; nice; coaxing; nasty again, possibly violent; super nice; threatening...

He will turn super nice at some point. At which time you are supposed to think 'Ah, there's the man I fell in love with! He's back! He's seen the error of his ways!...'

It's all an act. Read the sticky at the top of the Relationship board, it's called 'Everyone should read this' (Or something like that) and it's the Script.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Original poster
confusedatchristmas1 · 25/12/2018 22:25

Thanks again all for your comments! Hope you've all had a great Christmas.

Saw him today and he managed to be nice in front of my family but as soon as they weren't around he was back to being horrible again. I'm fine though, hurts much less for some reason the more he does it. I think I am thinking quite logically and know I don't want my child growing up thinking this is "normal".

Still waiting to crash and be upset but I've had a wonderful day with my family!

Sad I'll miss out on the trip though, but too scared to go alone!

OP posts:
Snog · 25/12/2018 23:03

Cheer leading for you OP

Well done in confronting your ex and discovering his true colours.
NO WAY do you want that kind of man in the lives of you or your child. I'm sure you are gonna make one helluva good mother - actually scratch that because you clearly already are.

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