To ask if you think I should leave or keep trying?

[confusedatchristmas1]

My loving, happy, can't get enough of each other relationship has somehow turned into us basically just being housemates and I don't know how.

I'm pregnant (planned), and I knew things would change, but my DP has no interest in me since we got the positive result. Doesn't want to have sex, doesn't want to spend any time with me, gets really angry at me when I tell him that I'm upset with the way things have changed. And for a while I've just been plodding on and getting occasionally upset but the more time that passes, the less I want to even try. I'm struggling with the pregnancy in lots of ways (it's bloody hard work isn't it?! Women are great!) and feel like I've had zero support from him. And to be honest, I don't even want to spend time with the person he's become. I have booked us a surprise trip for after Christmas, which I hoped would bring us closer again, and now I'm lying in bed, alone with the flu whilst he sits downstairs drinking, alone, wondering if I should just get up and go tomorrow. I still love him but I don't think there's anything else I can try and I just don't see what I'd be missing.

I've spoken to him and he says things will be better when the baby comes, but I don't want to wait another 4 months to have my partner back.

Everyone has noticed he's completely different towards me too. His own family have asked why I've stuck around, and I'm running out of reasons now.

Well done, OP, kia kaha, stay strong. I would suggest that you go to your doctor and tell them the situation. S/He will have (or should have) all manner of contacts and systems in place for helping people escape from an abusive partner. Keep your recording and any others you might have made, as he may try to drag you through the courts when he figures out you won't be coming back to be bullied. He's losing his power over you and he won't be happy. Keep your power for yourself and your baby. Don't mean to alarm you but you need to be aware it could happen. You did good.

Feeling quite overwhelmed today to be honest. He owes me a lot of money that I had saved and was depending on for maternity leave and I can't imagine he is going to give me any of that back now which is worrying. My own fault for not putting anything in writing but I was stupid enough to think I could trust him!

My life is about to drastically change moving back in with family and having to deal with the house stuff and baby will be here in just a couple of months.

I think I need a lie down

Just take it easy OP. Do you have any texts relating to the money he owes you? You might be able to go through small claims court.

@bastardkitty yeah I do, and luckily it's all been transferred through the bank rather than cash so would that help me?

I'm just so exhausted now. It's really annoying because I feel like he has no worries or anything to deal with and I've got to sort everything out. It's like he gets away with being so horrid and I get the punishment. I'm so annoyed at myself for staying so long and not realising sooner what a mess I was in.

Yes - it sounds like you have proof that the money was a loan and not a gift. Also what @MirriVan said. He might want you to think he's got away scot-free. He's lost everything. One day you will look back and feel so proud of setting yourself free.

I definitely am proud of myself, just increasingly aware that things are going to get worse before they get better.
It's not even that I want him to suffer tbh, it just annoys me that I have to deal with the money troubles and getting rid of the house and all our stuff and he will just carry on about his life as normal.
But I guess once it's all done I will feel free and that's something to look forward to.

Think I'll give myself today to be a little bit sad though.

Hope you're feeling okay today OP. Have friends and family rallied round?

You've done the right thing leaving i admire you so much. This happend to me when i first fell pregnant but i ignored the warning signs and thought everything would get better once baby was born. Once baby came it was jekyl and hyde type situation one minute nice next minute horrible and totally all my fault for it bieng this way but when you have a young baby you feel vaunerable and I was too scared of how I'd cope to leave.

I did eventually ask him to leave which he did and then made all promises under sun so he could come back and I let him. It did change things for a year or so he was genuinely really nice so much that we decided to have another baby and get married.

After this it went straight back to bieng horrible with occasional good moments, fell pregnant with baby number 3 by accident.

So now nearly a decade later with 3 kids I am so unhappy, this Christmas eve he got drunk and was violent (Not for the first time) and I just want to leave.

I hav'nt up until now as I've felt trapped he's always supported us after having the second child as childcare was so expensive. The mortgage is in his name so can't ask him to leave.

This year my youngest has started school and I'm finishing up a course that will help me to get a job. I know that as soon as I'm back in work I'm leaving him I've already started getting everything ready but I wish I had done it 10 years ago. I will always be thankful for my children which I maybe wouldn't have had if I'd have left him back then but 10 years putting up with looking after a man child who can't do anything for himself, dealing with his constant mood swings, bieng spoken to like your nothing and having to tread on egg shells so you don't set him off is soul destroying. Please don't go back to him and risk this happening to you he sounds very cruel and probably won't change. Well done for leaving now

Reading and wanting to say to you OP, stay strong. Sorry to hear the issues you've gone through with him

@ferntwist haven't really spoken to friends about it to be honest, but family have been wonderful and without them I don't know how I'd have coped.
Had some more abusive messages from him this morning so I've just blocked him now, I don't really need to be in contact with him and if I need to let him know anything regarding baby I can go through this family. Might sound a bit immature/drastic but I really can't handle all of the name calling anymore it's quite upsetting.

I'm doing ok, still feel quite overwhelmed as to what's to come but I know I'll manage. Just wish I could get to the part where it all feels better quicker.
Thanks for checking in, it means a lot x

@Cantwaitforoneday I'm so sorry to hear you've been through all that. Thanks a lot for sharing your story it gives me a lot of encouragement.

I really hope you find your happiness soon xx

OP you're amazing, you're doing so well and have been so brave and decisive taking that huge step. Your baby is lucky to have you!

Thank you, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy you and your family can get as excited as you want now hope next Christmas is amazing for you and your little one x

confusedatchristmas1 You might be able to make a claim online, it depends on the amount.
It wont guarantee you'll get your money back but it will fuck up his credit if he refuses to pay you back.

www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money

the fees are listed here;
www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money/court-fees

confused so glad you’ve blocked him. I hope you screenshot & save the abusive messages in case there’s ever any doubt in your mind about why you’ve left and whether you should go back.
Excellent you’ve got family supporting you through this. Be kind to yourself and get as much rest as you can. Soon you’ll have your beautiful little baby with you. Thank goodness you’ve done this now.

Don't go through his family to communicate, that's just inviting more drama into your life.
Give the baby your surname, don't put him on the birth certificate and leave him to contact you in a reasonable manner.
Put your claim for CSM in via the agency though so at least he can't wriggle out of his financial responsibility.

At least you've found out how abusive he really is underneath that 'charming' exterior.
They say abusive men wait until they've got you pregnant/married before ramping up the abuse, thank god you've escaped that!

OP just wanted to add my words of support and encouragement. Well done for doing the right thing for your child by getting away from this horrible man. Stay strong, you can more than do this on your own. Before my son was born I was terrified of getting through it alone but you just get on with it for your child and find reserves you didn't know you had. Lean on the network that you do have and stay away from this man.

Well I've actually been sent a tiny bit of the money tonight! It's not a fraction of what he owes me but in fairness I know it's all he can afford (not making excuses for him but the truth is he can't whip money out of the air).

I am happy as it'll help me out and obviously it's a start, but I hope he doesn't think this tiny gesture is going to fix everything?! If anything it's made me more annoyed because it just goes to show I'm never going to be where I wanted to be savings wise by the time baby comes!

I don’t quite understand - why can’t he send savings? Isn’t it not easily accessible?

I’m glad you got some of the money.

Merryoldgoat as I understand it, the money was confused's savings not his. She gave the money to him, he presumably spent it and now owes it to confused.

Op I went through similar.

I asked so often that he stop calling me names. He never did. It was soul, heart, life destroying. The dreadful loneliness and emotional abandonment. I can't even speak to him now.

Try to keep strong and lean on your network. You will be fine. More than fine. All the best xx

Thank you wakeme.

He’s even more of a dick than I thought possible if that’s the case.

Yeah they were my savings, very stressful and he's apparently lost his job now.

I half am starting to worry about him, the change in his personality, the not wanting to ever have sex, the sudden loss of the job (which sounds like him leaving rather than getting sacked). I just can't bring myself to deal with it though, if he's got things going on, I gave him so SO many opportunities to talk to me and I've helped him with everything he's ever asked for. And there's frankly no excuse for some of the language he's used against me.

Am I being an arse? Should I swallow my pride and offer help again? I just am so fed up of taking care of him. I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted I just can't cope with this anymore

He should be stepping up for you and your child, not abusing you and putting you in financial difficulty. You have enough on your plate. He is an adult. Focus on yourself and your baby. If anyone should feel guilty and be second guessing themselves it is him, not you.