To ask if you think I should leave or keep trying?

[confusedatchristmas1]

My loving, happy, can't get enough of each other relationship has somehow turned into us basically just being housemates and I don't know how.

I'm pregnant (planned), and I knew things would change, but my DP has no interest in me since we got the positive result. Doesn't want to have sex, doesn't want to spend any time with me, gets really angry at me when I tell him that I'm upset with the way things have changed. And for a while I've just been plodding on and getting occasionally upset but the more time that passes, the less I want to even try. I'm struggling with the pregnancy in lots of ways (it's bloody hard work isn't it?! Women are great!) and feel like I've had zero support from him. And to be honest, I don't even want to spend time with the person he's become. I have booked us a surprise trip for after Christmas, which I hoped would bring us closer again, and now I'm lying in bed, alone with the flu whilst he sits downstairs drinking, alone, wondering if I should just get up and go tomorrow. I still love him but I don't think there's anything else I can try and I just don't see what I'd be missing.

I've spoken to him and he says things will be better when the baby comes, but I don't want to wait another 4 months to have my partner back.

Everyone has noticed he's completely different towards me too. His own family have asked why I've stuck around, and I'm running out of reasons now.

If you're close with your parents then can you confide in them about it? He sounds like he's changed so much that he's not the same man now. I don't think you should stick around to see if he's nice to you again when you've had the baby.

Since you're pregnant he doesn't want ANYTHING to do with you?

Not just no sex - no nothing?

But it'll be ok once baby comes? How? Why is it awful now? How will it be better once baby comes?

I'd be looking for an explanation and without one and/or without the 'right' explanation I'd tell him to leave for good.

Today.

I know a couple of women who had very similar experiences with men who needed UK visas to legally remain in the country. Apparently having a UK baby gives the right to remain in the country to enjoy family life, regardless of marriage. The relationships ended shortly after the babies were born. If your partner is British obviously this tidbit doesn't apply and isn't of much use to you.

I think he might be freaking out about the forthcoming responsibilities of becoming a father and is subconsciously taking it out on you. Not discussing how he is feeling is not helping at all and I feel sorry for you. I am not sure things will get better when the baby comes as it brings all kinds of new things to disagree over. My relationship went massively down hill when our baby came and took about 4 years to recover. Am not suggesting you wait 4 years but I have low self esteem and put up with more than most people. Sorry you are going through this though, could you get him to go to counselling with you before giving up on him?

I’m so sorry this happening to you. This happened with my oh when I was pregnant with our first. For some reason i stuck with it - even after he missed the birth of baby as he didn’t believe I was in labour and stayed at work an hour and a half away - and I thought things had got better. We’ve had more children since then so obviously we have had times when we’ve reconnected but actually our marriage is crap and now the children are getting older it’s more and more apparent. Looking back I wish I’d left at the start when things would have been much easier. I know it’s not how anybody pictures having a baby but you can do this on your own.

I hope he’s just having a panic about things and that given time he talks to you about his feelings

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It’s really rubbish but I think this is a serious situation - the things you have noticed are real - and you are asking the right questions. You do indeed need to make some decisions. Good luck OP.

Counselling might help get to the bottom of it.

In the meantime, you really shouldn't be sleeping downstairs, go back in your own bed.

What do you mean he doesn’t like you going out? That alone is a massive red flag! Coupled up with the terrible way he treats you. Can you stay at your parents to get some space?

If he isn't there for you when you are at your most vulnerable, i.e. now, then there is no real relationship. You got pregnant by a fun boyfriend with controlling traits and then his true nature came out. Get away now.

Well you've clearly got 2 choices, get out now or hang on in there and hope it gets better? Why would it get better though? He's fallen at the first hurdle. He knows he's fallen and doesn't give enough of a shit to even try getting back in the race. A couple's first pregnancy can bring worries and nervousness to the surface but it's actually the best of times. He should be brimming with enthusiasm, bursting with pride for the mother of his forthcoming child and working with her to get everything ready. Instead, he's behaving like a total prick, knows he is and doesn't give a toss. Why would you think he'll transform into a loving and supporting father and partner when the baby arrives along with dirty nappies, night feeds, financial pressures and everything else?

You need to look after yourself because he's clearly not going to. He's bringing you down and that will be detrimental to both you and your baby.

He knows he's being a dick but has no interest in changing his behaviour until you've had the baby. Why does he think he will "obviously" change then but can't now?
You aren't allowed out on your own.
You are the one sleeping on the sofa and he's happy to let a pregnant woman do that.

Mmm I suspect there are a lot more red flags waving wildly but the op hasn't recognised them yet.

Sounds very like the early manifestations of abuse.
As said above, wooing the family, performing the loving bf role to all are about him and how he's perceived and admired.

How does he react if you disagree with him? Or things don't go his way?

Maybe he is struggling. My Dp was really depressed when I got pregnant. He was frightened at the way I had changed, I was ill all the time, no fun, always tired, friends and family only ever talked about the pregnancy and talked to him as if he was a child ("I hope you're looking after her"). Of course that is normal and yes it is "bloody hard work" for the woman but the partner often feels left out - it isn't yet "real" for him.

My DP (ex) is a good man - although we are no longer a couple - and he made a good father and partner. We stayed together for twenty years and more children. We are all spending Christmas together.

I am not making any judgement about your situation - just telling you how it was for me.

Good luck.

2 years is about how long it takes to get to know someone. All the nice things he did in the beginning were just a facade, a role he played.
This is the real him coming out now, cold, controlling, uncaring.
The fact that he is aware he is being a dick and has no interest in changing until the baby is here (he won’t btw!) just shows how little he cares about your feelings.

Pregnancy makes a woman vulnerable and is when men are most likely to start being abusive.

If I were you I would leave. He is showing you who he is by his actions. Even if he did change when the baby arrives, how could you forget how he treated you during the pregnancy?

You say he doesn’t like you going out. How long has that been going on? If you really think about it, are there more red flags that you tried to ignore?

Hi OP

People have said he might be struggling with his new role and may not feel the same about you sexual when pregnant.

This may be true and while you can't help who you're sexual attracted to, you can help how you act, and things like ignoring you when you're ill, not asking about your parents in hospital is worse than you would treat just a friend let alone your pregnant partner.

If he's like this now I'm sorry I don't think he will magically go back to normal when the baby comes. Having zero sleep, being covered in someone else's bodily fluids with no time for a shower, and spending time pacing up and down trying to stop the screaming can all be very stressful and put a massive massive strain on even the strongest relationships (obviously there are nice parts as well but it is often a lot more difficult than a lot of people realise). Why does he think he'll suddenly fancy you again when your boobs are leaking and you've no bladder control and you still look pregnant for a while? He seems to be thinking everything is going to go straight back to normal when of course it isn't.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it was such a vulnerable time and it sounds like he has completely changed (though the doesn't like you going out comment is a bit worrying - is he controlling? Could he actually be jealous that your main focus is now not him?)

He is acknowledging his behaviour had totally changed but not given you an explanation for it and not truing to change I right now. If he can't explain I'd give him one chance to go to counselling with you right now and if he doesn't (it sounds like he won't) just leave. He is making you miserable and it's unlikely to get better when the baby is here. You will be much better off concentrating on yourself, dealing with the break up now and concentrating just on your new baby when it arrives rather than trying to work things out with someone who isn't interested. Sorry

Have you tried talking to his parents about it?

With regards to me going out he says that he is worried something will happen to me and bump, which sounds reasonable but if I say so myself I'm quite a responsible person and I'd never go anywhere or put myself (or my child!) in a situation where we could get hurt - I understand sometimes bad things just happen but I can't just wrap myself in cotton wool for nine months. I like socialising and whilst I'm very excited to become a mother, I did hope to spend my pregnancy making the most of my last bit of time not having to worry about a little person. For example, going to the cinema without needing a sitter, popping over to friends houses without rushing back for feeds etc. It's not as if I want to to bungee jumping, just a few hot chocs with my friends!

I've woken up feeling quite sad this morning because, whilst I'm super grateful for your replies, I think I know it's over

He doesn’t want you to go out, but if you stay in he doesn’t want to spend time with you either. He’s saying it’s because he’s worried about your bump, but that’s not really the reason is it? What could possibly happen to your bump when you are calling to a friends house? He just wants to keep you caged in.

You need to just do what will make you happy. He’s dragging you down, life is too short to be miserable. Take control.

he says that he is worried something will happen to me and bump, which sounds reasonable but if I say so myself I'm quite a responsible person

This is exactly what controlling - abusive - men do.

They don't say "I forbid you from going out" or "I forbid you from wearing that outfit" or "I forbid you from seeing your friend Jane".

They say "I'd be too worried about you going out on your own without me there to keep you safe" or "I don't think that's appropriate for you to wear, people might get the wrong idea" or "I get a bad vibe from Jane, I think she's taking advantage of you".

I'm sorry you've learned this way, but at least you have the opportunity to get away now. It's standard for abusive, controlling men to change once the woman becomes pregnant - in their view it's harder for her to leave, so they can drop some of the pretence.

Abuse isn't about violence, or specific abusive language, it's about domination, power, and control. It is usually very subtle, and very gradual, escalating at certain trigger points like pregnancy and marriage (I.e. When they think you're well and truly trapped).

They always start out like an absolute dream in the beginning because a) they'd never get close to you if they started off the way he is now, and b) by starting off as someone who swept you off your feet it means when they descend into increasingly vile behaviour you end up holding onto the idea that if you change yourself enough to appease them then you can get back the mirage you had in the beginning - so you don't leave, and they get to continue being controlling.

You don't deserve to be treated like this, and none of it is normal or healthy or acceptable.

You might find the information course run by the Freedom Programme will help you to make sense of what's happened and why you're making the right choice to leave. It will also help you protect yourself from being mistreated in the future because you'll be able to spot early warning signs, and you'll have confidence in your own judgement about how you should be treated in a relationship.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - it's confidential, free to attend, and they won't tell you what to do or make you share details. They just have really useful information they want to share with you (it's not therapy) about unhealthy, controlling, abusive behaviour, and what a genuinely healthy, non-abusive relationship looks like. (Someone else has mentioned the early stages of OTT perfection are a bit of a warning sign that something isn't right...)

Calling you insane for standing up for yourself against his appalling treatment would be another example of something controlling men do.

With regards to me going out he says that he is worried something will happen to me and bump,

That's just a variation on a theme that so many controllers use. "It's not that I don't trust you and I certainly don't want to control you. You need me to protect you because I understand how dangerous the world really is".

Don't fall for it. You are an adult and capable of looking after yourself. You don't need this prick telling you where you can or can't go and it's got nothing to do with his concern for you, it's all about him feeling entitled to control you. Concede to this and he'll just move on to who you can or can't socialise with and it won't end when bump becomes baby.

I know it hurts, and I am sorry. It does get better on the other side of this decision.

@confusedatchristmas1 I'm so sorry, your last post is heartbreaking.

I've just reread your posts and fwiw i really do think it's worth trying to get to the bottom of what's driving this before chucking in the towel. Yes, it could be that he's controlling or a total dick or narcissistic or whatever, in which case yes, leave! But I've grown to understand my very complex man over the last couple of years and he just didn't see what was causing him to retreat, and once we figured it out he has changed so much. A lot of the things you have said remind me of the types of weird behaviour he suddenly started to come out with after he moved in - avoiding sex, not coming to bed, getting extremely defensive during discussions or just leaving after a minute. He said he wanted to be with me more than anything, but acted like he didn't want to be there. I did some reading about attachment theory, and basically realised he was a textbook 'avoidant' type, which basically means when he feels threatened by something he retreats and deals with it himself (rather than moving towards others for support). Moving in for him meant more commitment and more expectations which was scary, so he retreated overnight. I may be wrong but it really feels like this might be what's going on here, because it sounds like the two of you were very happy before the pregnancy. I think it sounds like he's having a meltdown about becoming a dad and the impact that will have on your relationship and his instincts are driving him to completely withdraw and he probably isn't even conscious of it happening. I'm not excusing his behaviour, you need and deserve support, but it may give you the understanding you need to help him make sense of it and overcome it. My partner is a different person now that we've figured it out and i know how to recognise when it's happening and help him see it - he rarely withdraws now, and comes out if it quickly.

Sorry this post is so long - I'd really recommend reading some stuff about avoidant attachment in relationships and seeing if it chimes. Sudden withdrawal from a happy relationship is an absolutely textbook sign of an avoidant type - but it really is possible to overcome.

Good luck and feel free to pm me if you want to talk about it.

The not wanting you to go out part isn’t reasonable at all. It’s controlling, and thinly disguised as caring about you in your pregnancy. I had a very fragile first pregnancy, lots of hospital stays and bedridden through lots of it, but if I went anywhere my DH would just ask me to text every once in a while and let him know I was feeling ok. Your bf wants you home, but won’t look after you or spend time with you. That’s control and control only. I bet when you start thinking back, there are lots of what other people would consider as red flags. The closeness to your parents is even a bit weird, or could be. A lot of abusers make close ties with their victim’s friends and family in order to make them seem crazy if they complain about abusive behaviour. Thankfully your parents have noticed that he has changed towards you. I’m usually one for LTB, because I don’t think anyone deserves to feel like shit in a relationship, ever. But you’re pregnant and not feeling well (and flu can get serious) so I don’t think it’s ideal to walk out. I think you should tell someone in real life, call your parents ideally if you can stay with them. If they can pick you up then perfect. Think things over from a distance. Keep talking on here if it’s helping you get things off your chest.

OP - he’s not a nice person and he’s controlling you.

I had two awful pregnancies and barely any sex during them. My DH was kind and thoughtful, cooked for me, brought me little silly gifts when he came home from work. Reassured me when I was panicking etc.

That should be the norm. Your partner is a selfish git. You should seriously think about leaving but as others have said, he shows signs of being an abuser so be careful when you do it and seek advice.

If you end up staying with him during the pregnancy get back to work ASAP. The Relationship Board is littered with posts from desperate women who had Jekyll & Hyde DP's who kept up the loving facade until they got them pregnant. Being at the mercy of an emotional and financial abuser doesn't happen overnight. It's like salami tactics. One freedom at a time.