Putting men before DCs

[Write]

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

"Some people have said that though. They are vehemently against blended families which is quite sad." No because you can have a long term boyfriend without them moving in its not a requirement. You can have a "meaningful relationship" without living together.

That's not a stance I necessarily agree with but I can understand the opinion.

"Mn is full of women saying their other half and father of their kids are complete wankers. Lazy, disrespectful, abusive, financially abusive, dismissive etc and then they always say 'but he is a good dad and the kids adore him so I can't leave'." And that statement is often challenged by statements like 'no he's not if he were a good dad he wouldn't be lazy, disrespectful, abusive etc'

Pogmella - again you're wrong. Have you even rtft? I and others have criticised a poster who was effectively widowed and moved the new man in VERY quickly. The parents I know in real life who were bereaved didn't do this but I'd have been just as concerned - if not more so actually - if they did as I am of divorced/separated parents who do so. When in the immediate aftermath of a bereavement few people are thinking straight, it is not the time to make major decisions.

"The defensive and self justifying posts on here are very iluminating." Oh yes very much so.

"So is the answer for single mums not to have any sort of love life until their children are basically adults." Another that appears not to have read the thread properly. NO! It's to NOT prioritise it over your children's health & wellbeing, be cautious, take things slowly.

"Single parents can have a love life. But it doesn't need to involve your children." Exactly and certainly not early on when you barely know him yourself and you're still in honeymoon/rose tinted glasses phase where you're oblivious to any faults.

Pinknike - it's not projection from those abused and neglected and deprioritised due to step parents it's stating the fact that their biological parents didn't make safe sensible choices with regard to their children. Enabling neglect/abuse is not to be encouraged. These parents are/were adults, they are supposed to protect their children, if they don't yes they do have some responsibility in that.

"Plenty of people feel offended when people insult their lifestyle, especially when it comes down to their children." Doesn't mean we shouldn't say what we think, nor that this "lifestyle" is healthy or appropriate for their children.

"And I hate to say it - but paedophiles target single mothers." Abusers of all types are the worlds best profilers. They can spot a vulnerable person/family at 20 paces!

"And no one seems to have a boyfriend or girlfriend anymore, the person you date is immediately a partner. And all too commonly, procreating with every partner you have in life is de rigeur." I've noticed this too, especially with younger parents and so much on mn - mainly because they're then needing to post for advice because the new "partner" is abusive/controlling. So many threads where those are the issues and you just KNOW a few posts in op will reveal they met and the new partner was introduced to kids/moved in really quickly. Also very sadly often the op's blame the DC for "difficult" behaviour - poor kids probably don't know where the hell they stand!

"It really does beg the question of why you had a baby with someone who was violent. Why didn't you get to know the person properly first before bringing a child into that situation?" Not necessarily. Perhaps there were no or few/very subtle signs prior to the pregnancy. We know that pregnancy is often when dv begins. We also know that abusers aren't immediately clearly abusive that it's a gradual process.

And even IF there were signs, 2 wrongs don't make a right, one person exposing children to dv via biological parent doesn't mean the parents introducing new partners too soon or trying to erase biological parents from their children's lives are any better.

Jaqueshammer - that's appalling. I wouldn't be surprised to learn those so critical of your decision are also the types who have/would foist a new "partner" on their children far too soon.

Me neither. I don't get why a bloke would trust a new female partner he barely knows either, but statistically paedophilia is rather more common in men.

Graphista may I just say you sound fantastic.
I've seen your comments on various threads and I usually wholeheartedly agree with you.
Especially on subjects like this. You really are my kind of woman.

Erm thank you

Things I’ve been called on MN for having a FWB who has never and will never meet my child:-Whore Bad mother Desperate Slag. All for refusing to engage in a “traditional” relationship because I don’t believe it’s in mine or my daughter’s best interests....Tacky Sleazy and Delusional

Yep. Pretty much my experience. I havelso been single for 10 years and had one poster recently say perhaps things would improve if I found a partner, that I was ‘bitter’ my cheating, abusive ex had moved on and was clear,y happy without me. Worse still, I have been called a liar for saying I have never introduced a partner to my children because that would be impossible

But that’s the single parent dilemma: damned if you do, damed if you don’t.

It is coming across from some pps single women should not have relationships. It is really unfair.
Everyone has the right to meet someone if they want too. Many single parents start relationships that build and grow. Yes put your DC first, most of my single friends do, not all men dangerous, lots ate considerate, some are excellent according to threads.
Yes some women jump into bad relationships, but many more find deep relationships.
My best friends now DH who isn't her eldest two DC father. He is great to them all, he works hard, respects her, her life has grown and improved so much since her abusive ex, she wasn't going to date him because she had DC. I am glad she did.

It is coming across from some pps single women should not have relationships. It is really unfair

That is not what the majority on this thread are saying (if any). Stop lying.

Stop lying

What an odd response. The comment was ‘it is coming across...’. It is clearly not a statement of fact. And I agree, that is how it feels. But as I said, damned if you do, damed if you don’t.

I don’t know how this thread is coming across like that considering most posters have made it perfectly clear they are not saying a single parent should not have a relationship.

People can cry about being judged all they like, it doesn’t alter the fact that moving a person you barely know into your child’s home is shit parenting and ultimately a selfish act.

Totally agree with OP and sorry not yet rtft but had almost exact conversation with my brother about this earlier.
Our DM moved in with her boyf when we were in our early teens.

He didn't abuse us.
She loved him though, more than us. We were definitely old news by then.
Problems, burdens.

She'd be gutted to know that they made us feel that way but we were emotionally scarred by it.
The damage to our mental health because we were cast aside for this guy still hurts to this day so many years later.

I love DM very much but she was 100% a single mum who put her DC second to her need to be in a relationship.

It's most definitely true to say some single women do not put their children first.

Oh and the babysitting?
Why let a new boyfriend babysit a very young child?
I do find that odd, equally I wouldn't let a new friend babysit.

Some people are so selfish that they're blind to their responsibility as a parent.

Oh and Margot Simpson I imagine Write expected to be flamed as she's been here long enough to know that she would indeed be accused of single mum bashing, woman bashing, told men are selfish too etc etc.

Mumsnet is often predictable especially in aibu when it comes to judging what people are going to get shirty about

Everyone has the right to meet someone if they want too. Many single parents start relationships that build and grow

They certainly do. They don't have the right to foist him onto their kids without being sensible and caring about it, that is what this thread is saying.

That is not what the majority on this thread are saying (if any). Stop lying.

Agree what a year 11 response. ' what are you lying for'

That is why she said ' some'
It is a discussion thread. Hence discussing people's opinions involving from the discussion. I think nearly everyone agrees the children come first and not to rush. However SOME and I mean SOME posters have said that they should have no relationship ever and just just have fwb which others may see as the wrong message.

Men are criticized all the time on MN but mothers are saints and heroes ( until they become MIL villains again). So glad most people on the thread are willing to put children first and that the only people defending this disgusting neglectful parenting are people who've done it!

I think people are getting other posters posts all wrong! Some people said they would stay single if they split with their DH and one or two said they don’t agree with blended families. That’s quite alright, they aren’t kicking the doors down of blended families or spray painting insults on their front doors!

I’m a fairly young single mum and have been for five years (DDs father was a very long relationship)
I’ve had one relatively mini (to me) relationship (but lots of people move in, marry and have a child within that time) since but I kept it separate to my home life as ex was making enough cocks ups for both of us in regards to moving too fast, blindsiding DD etc. So she needed one stable environment.
It seems others see it as a competition with the ex “seeing ex moving on and loved up” as someone said above. I don’t care one iota (though this wasn’t always true!) about what ex does but my main priority has to be my DD.

Rather than using my DD free time going on dates or swiping on dating apps I use it to tend to all the friendships that have got me through the worst times, take up hobbies/learn new things. If the right person appeared tomorrow I wouldn’t shy away from that at all but nor would I foist him on DD, move him into her home, have him babysitting!!, drag DD across the country-pull her out of school and away from family to move in to a filthy flat with him (as described in my OP)
Not a hope in hell. I am her constant, her stability.

I’m gobsmacked that anyone can defend that or that someone “who works in law” can think it quite alright to have a new boyfriend mind a non verbal baby!? And to claim it’s sexist and misogynistic to be against this!

The reason I find the tone of this thread to be misogynistic is because I feel it is rather unfairly aimed at slating single mothers.

Now you are entitled to discuss whatever subject you choose, and I agree with many of yours and other points. It's completely unfair on children to force new relationships upon them, to uproot them for the sake of a relationship, to put them at risk by leaving them with people you know little about. All of those things are correct. I disagree that blended families/step parents can never work out ok with the right person handled in a sensitive way.

However, I see people putting themselves and their terrible relationships before their children all the time, and it's far, far from exclusive to women and single mothers. My biological parents were terrible at times in all kinds of ways. My blended family home in which my children live in is by far a happier and more stable environment.

Now of course you can discuss piss poor parents in whatever context you want, but personally I find the tone of a fair few of the posts a bit off.

See I think the thread is unfair is that it's aimed at single mothers. When plenty of men do this too.

But also this behaviour isn't exclusive to single parents. The relationship board often has several threads where a childless couple have met, moved in and had a baby really quickly. The op complains about how shit their partner is, sometimes abusive, disrespectful etc and then have had multiple kids with this awful person.

They didn't get to know them. They have brought kids into a toxic environment and stay in it

No one on this thread wants to explain how that's any better for the kids emotional well being and mental health, than moving a new partner in too quickly.

So many people get into relationships too quick. They don't know the person they move in with, they already have kids or bring kids into it.

That's the issue. Not just single parents rushing things

No one on this thread wants to explain how that's any better for the kids emotional well being and mental health, than moving a new partner in too quickly.
Nobody said it was?
I can never understand this attitude, I get it a lot with a charity I work with “what about cancer do you not care about that?!” “What about old people, who’s looking out for them?”

You could literally use this sentiment on every single thread!

Plenty of men do do this.

However they are usually the NR parent. That’s the difference. It still is a twatty thing to do and I won’t defend it.

I used to have a friend who put a man before her two DC's. I felt so sorry for them, she used to joke that they both hated him but they'd just have to deal with it as it was her life. Fast forward 8 years and she is now with another man, has another child (from the previous chap) and all three of her DC's appear to be monumentally fucked up.

It now turns out that more than 'hating' her now ex, they were both utterly terrified of him. Too many issues to comment on without it being outing, but I was relieved when I heard they'd split a couple of months ago. I also heard this week that her new boyfriend has been moved in.

I can never understand this attitude, I get it a lot with a charity I work with “what about cancer do you not care about that?!” “What about old people, who’s looking out for them?”

That doesn't even make sense. The fact is lots of parents do stupid stuff when it comes to relationships. Single and attached. But your interest is only how irresponsible some single parents are.

I just can't work out why this is just about single parents. And why single mothers.

Though I suspect it's just so you could get a load of people to give you a pat on the back for remaining single for 5 years so you can give yourself a boost.

Fwiw you aren't unusual. I am divorced. I also have a partner. He doesn't live with me and my kids. I knew him a long time before my kids had anything to do with him. They barely see him anyway.

I don't thinkbi am particularly amazing.

But your interest is only how irresponsible some single parents are.
No, just this one particular thread actually.

A pat on the back for remaining single for 5 years Ehh nope- I didn’t remain single for 5 years....?

And why single mothers

Because in the majority of cases the resident parent is the mother, therefore their actions have the most impact on the child/ren.

And it’s also 13 pages in and I’ve only just given a brief insight to my own circumstances, so hardly.

Majority of cases. But not all.

And with shared residency becoming more popular, fathers set ups are more impacting.

And again. It happens in relationships were the parents are together.

I agree with what you are saying. But think it's a problem in general. Not just people who already have kids. Too many people jump into relationship and involve children. It's sad and unfair on the kids.