Putting men before DCs

[Write]

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

Is it seriously a made up set of ideals to say “you risk harming children if you rush into a new relationship”? I would have though that’s pretty obvious

No less obvious than to say "don't have a child with a man you can't live with". People make mistakes, the difference on this thread is that people have decided they are not mistakes at all, rather evidence of either total stupidity or indifference.

JacquesHammer exactly.
pink your scenario is clearly worlds away from what my OP and PPs have described so why are you putting yourself in that category?

Elon stop comparing leaving a non verbal child with a brand new boyfriend with a relationship breaking down. It’s disgusting.

No less obvious than to say "don't have a child with a man you can't live with". People make mistakes, the difference on this thread is that people have decided they are not mistakes at all, rather evidence of either total stupidity or indifference

It’s not comparable though? One is damage limitation. The other is taking a bloody big risk KNOWING you’ve got children in the house.

Realistically nobody knows how the future will pan out. By your logic nobody should have kids.

But you know what? When you’re a single parent you have to be extra vigilant. So yeah, moving a new man in after two months is stupid. If you want to argue otherwise then....

Elon stop comparing leaving a non verbal child with a brand new boyfriend with a relationship breaking down. It’s disgusting.

Not really. People make decisions about who they trust, they don't always get it right. At the end of the day it is about that, you think they are naive or wrong to trust who they do, but the same could just as easily be said about you right ? Plenty of people manage to live with and raise children with their partners - but you took a risk on the wrong person. So it's your fault according to your logic.

The thing is in the attribution of a motive. The blame. If something did happen to that child, you would partly blame the mother. It would be her fault because she is stupid.

Jacques post above explains how the two are completely different but I can see you’ll say anything to justify this kind of neglectful behavior so...

At the end of the day it is about that, you think they are naive or wrong to trust who they do, but the same could just as easily be said about you right ? Plenty of people manage to live with and raise children with their partners - but you took a risk on the wrong person.

I don’t necessary think separation means the wrong person though? I guess it could be argued in the case of an absent/neglectful/abusive father, but in the case of an engaged father who co-parents fully then I don’t think so.

Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely choose my ex to be the man I had a child with again.

Ohreallyoh - if you think a man is likely to provide support in the event of illness/disability, or that it makes any sense to depend on a man financially I worth about how you manage your life. Men tend to bolt when women get sick, at all stages they're not reliable financially. Far better if possible to ensure your own financial/practical/health security.

I'm a disabled lone parent you find ways to cope from how you organise your finances to mobility aids, using the services that are available if needed eg I get my food & prescriptions delivered.

I'd feel more vulnerable if I were reliant on a partner/spouse as they can just disappear at any point

And I agree with Jaques YOU were the one that equated "on hold" with lack of a partner.

"Hmm, I wonder how many of the women on here who are ready to slate others, can truly, hand on heart say that their relationship and circumstances were perfect and completely secure before they brought a child into that situation."

Ahem. was with my ex a few years before marriage, got married and when we had dd both had good jobs and prospects and were in good health. Dd was very much planned by both and appeared 5 years into the marriage following a mc the previous year. Absolutely no indication of ex's future actions/behaviour. He had an affair with a mutual friend & his work colleague, left us and basically acted like dd was an inconvenience.

His own family and friends who'd known him all his life were completely shocked at his actions. His own mother actually said to me about a year after our split that she barely recognised her own son it was so out of character. His best friend who he'd known since he was 4 and was his best man said something very similar. So tell me exactly what I did wrong there?!

"Is it seriously a made up set of ideals to say “you risk harming children if you rush into a new relationship”? I would have though that’s pretty obvious" exactly!

Having a child with someone you've known almost a decade with no knowledge of future issues is quite quite separate from knowingly taking a clear risk with a very young, non verbal, vulnerable child, leaving them with someone you've only known 2 months!

Both ultimately come down to judgement of character.

, but in the case of an engaged father who co-parents fully then I don’t think so.

Only if you got married and had kids thinking it did not matter whether you were both "active and engaged". In which case it would be odd to get married and have kids.

Judgement right ?

Judge not lest ye be judged and all that (although I'm not Christian )

One bullet to stop
I know where I’m standing

I joined mumsnet because of reading this thread and needing to speak out. This is my sister to a tee and i have wondered why she is this way for years.

She has always had to go from one man to a next, since she was a teen we noticed she always had another boy friend lined up before the next. We hoped when she had kids, that was the end of it but no, same pattern, when it went wrong, she was out on the town again... another guy lined up before she left the baby daddy.

What worries me most is that this guy shes on now, my nieces 3rd step dad, is the worst of the bunch. She goes from the frying pan, to the fire, to the incinerator, its truly worrying.

She has had a decent upbringing, meaning there are 3 siblings with healthy (ish) relationship histories, so I can only think its mental health issues.

@Notacluethisxmas

Ah so it's ok if father fuck up and are feckless. As long as their mums are whiter than white and never make a mistake, it's all good.

Fucking he'll women can't win. But it feels worse when it's other women judging.

You know it's not men or women here. A child need one parent who gives everything and puts them first. What so wrong? You hear of feckless woman or men who are widows who commit to their children solely until they're older. Joanna lumley made the choice not to marry until her son reached 18. It's not a judgement relationships can bring instability. If you have a series of failed relationships it's best to wait until you know you're getting involved for the right reasons.

They are fannies, and seriously lacking in intelligence and judgement. I have been on the dating scene for over 2 years, and have yet to introduce my children to a man.

Both ultimately come down to judgement of character.

Well yes. Kind of helpful for things like safeguarding to have desirable and undesirable character traits. No?

Or are you advocating for a society where there are no boundaries on behaviour? A free for all? No consequences for actions?

Men with violent or sexual convictions can work in schools, that kind of thing? To refuse them due to poor character doesnt appear an option in your world? And no one should be accountable for their decisions?

Neweternal but that's the point. People here are saying it's not as bad she the dad does it because they usually don't see them as much. Then people saying as long as the kids have one stable parent, it's ok.

It very much like people are excusing the men from doing it while telling the women they have to be perfect.

The fact t is the dada doing this sort of stuff does impact kids. But the main responsibility is being put on the mothers.

Again, before I am accused of justifying my own actions, I don't live with my Dp.whp is the only person I have been with since my marriage ended

For the record, can I just say, I don't think it matters which parent does it, mother or father. Once a new relationship comes along, the parent (whichever one) is excited by it because its new and passionate (as anyone is) and unfortunately, in many cases, this means that the needs of the child slip down the priority list. When you have children with your long term partner, usually that new, exciting bit is done, so you both focus on raising kids. Obviously you would still want to keep your relationship healthy, but you are both singing from the same song sheet (hopefully) about family life.

I think the focus on child abuse is a red herring really. Yes, it does happen. Yes, 'mum's new boyfriend' is often the perpetrator when it does so people should be aware of that. But, I think, in most cases, it is just a general feeling for the child of not being put first anymore which, long term, can massively affect someone's self esteem and that parent/child relationship.

I think both parents are equal twats to rush introducing and moving someone in. The ones I've seen doing it have been focused on themselves and in case of one, defensive when anyone points out the childs obvious upset of it.

BIL is a clear example of that though thankfully was disallowed overnights anyway due to issues. It still didn't stop dn being really upset when introduced to various 'aunties' and her new 'sisters'.

Similar happened to my aunt (dads sil). Luckily she was older (16) then her sister so was just disowned for not being happy of her mum jumping straight from her dad to a new man (couple months). Her sister wasnt so lucky and tries, to this day (when sober), to pretend everything was fine when there was really domestic violence involved and she was subject to emotional abuse too.

I have a number of friends who have done this it's so awful. I didn't have a man in my life at all when my son was growing up because he was more important. I finally married again when he was 18.

madcatladyforever - well you don’t get any medals for that 🙄

I think if you are choosing a life partner they have to meet your children, if mine don’t like him then he’s binned instantly but single mums are as entitled to love, sex, support as anyone else

The number of 'whataboutery' posts here along with all the 'Oh so you're saying it's ok for the other parent' bollox is sickening to read.

Some posters will say anything and twist anything to avoid the actual issue the Op and most others are talking about, simply so they can carry on believing that doing whatever they like is perfectly fine.

So by that logic it’s not ok for dad to date, not on for mum to date, but if so much as the bins aren’t put out on time the mumsnet cry of leave the bastard can be heard for miles around .... so the children have two parents expected to throw themselves on their swords and live alone for a decade at least. Right.

So by that logic it’s not ok for dad to date, not on for mum to date

Many people have said that it’s perfect fine for the parents to date, it just needs to be done in a way that’s mindful of the children.

so the children have two parents expected to throw themselves on their swords and live alone for a decade at least. Right

It’s disappointing and baffling that people still see living alone as “falling on your sword”.

Maybe if there was less pressure to be “a couple” people would not be so hasty to rush into a new relationship.

This is both my parents, once they split they were desperate to be in a new relationship and resented us children for getting in the way of that. We had countless step parents on both sides, we would only ever see our dad when he wanted to introduce us to a new girlfriend and our mum was always leaving us with grandparents while she went on holidays with boyfriends. She is now married to a controlling man who resents our existence so we are banned from their house and she never sees her gcs

JacquesHammer - I’ve been on my own for 6 years as I cannot find a partner that is accepting of my children and I’m accepting of their situation and it’s pretty fucking crap tbh knowing if you didn’t have children there wouldn’t be an issue but equally knowing you’d never be without your children. So you’re somewhat stuffed.

Most people do not want to be alone, I don’t feel pressurised but I don’t enjoy it.