Putting men before DCs

[Write]

I expect to be flamed but I’m beyond caring at this stage, sorry if that sounds goady!

I know so many women in real life who have jeapordized their children’s quality of life for a new men and sadly I know a few who have endangered their children too. I feel like banging my head against a wall!

A relative of mine has just moved her two DCs away from their schools, family and even got rid of their beloved dog to move halfway across the county with a man who has never worked a day in his life into his tiny filthy flat.
I’ve had friends allow (and be delighted) with brand new boyfriends minding their under 2 year old babies.

I can’t see how these otherwise intelligent women can be so blinded by love!

I think some people seem to see it as the done thing to have a baby with each relationship without thinking it through

Plenty of men do do this. However they are usually the NR parent. That’s the difference

There is no difference. A father who disappears into the sunshine without a backwards glance has a massive impact on his children’s overall sense of well being and security. A father who prioritises his relationship over his children - cancelling contact for spurious reasons, reducing maintenance, having more children, standing by whilst the girlfriend calls the shots and bad mouths mum etc etc all has an impact on children. My own children are in constant turmoil over the actions of their father and his girlfriends. It is hard to imagine I could do any more damage myself by introducing a new partner.

I also want to ask, how do you think my children feel as adults when they realise I put my own life on hold for years to ensure they had some stability? Do you not think that whilst being grateful for that stability, they may feel guilty if I never find a new partner?

ohreally nobody is disputing that. Even today my DD has been massively let down by her father. I talk incessantly about such cases and such men. I couldn’t agree with you more and feel very strongly about that but the fact is that this particular thread is about mothers.

It seems others see it as a competition with the ex “seeing ex moving on and loved up” as someone said above. I don’t care one iota (though this wasn’t always true!) about what ex does but my main priority has to be my DD.
I am single (and celibate) for almost four years now since my exH left, and I must admit it does annoy me sometimes that ex is constantly changing girlfriends (some even were even promoted to a fiancée/ stepmother status after a couple of weeks), is able to jump on a flight to an exotic location on a short notice etc., while for me arranging two hours off for a work Christmas party is a childcare / logistical nightmare. I am also a bit afraid because every time he is in a "permanent" relationship, he immediately files for a review of residence so that the children grow in a "proper family". So I do feel sometimes like there's a competition.

I also want to ask, how do you think my children feel as adults when they realise I put my own life on hold for years to ensure they had some stability? Do you not think that whilst being grateful for that stability, they may feel guilty if I never find a new partner?

You know, i had never thought of it like that before.

All these children, asking to be born.

It is the adults that need to be put first. Who deserve the greater share of empathy. Who deserve everything they wish. After all, thats how life works.

Being a parent doesnt include any sacrifice whatsoever.

And really, those children should feel guilty. And ashamed. That their stability was too important and really by them needing that, it just ruined any chance of future happiness for their parents.

I am so in agreement with all this. Its like a ephipany has struck me. A true road to damascus moment just now. Praise be

What’s with these extremes. If I remain single until DD is an adult, I certainly won’t be such a martyr that she’d be feeling guilty. I’ll continue living a fulfilling life. Why do people assume you need a man to do this?! There’s every chance I will meet someone else but highly highly unlikely I’ll move them in or uproot DD from her home to do so.

I also want to ask, how do you think my children feel as adults when they realise I put my own life on hold for years to ensure they had some stability? Do you not think that whilst being grateful for that stability, they may feel guilty if I never find a new partner?

Well that depends if the only way you see yourself without a partner is “on hold”.

Well that depends if the only way you see yourself without a partner is “on hold”

Exactly. It’s this peculiar attitude that I can’t get my head around and seems prevalent in the women who have jeopardized their children’s stability.

I also want to ask, how do you think my children feel as adults when they realise I put my own life on hold for years to ensure they had some stability? Do you not think that whilst being grateful for that stability, they may feel guilty if I never find a new partner?

You shouldn't need a partner to enjoy your life, and shouldn't consider your life to be "on hold" if you are single.

It's really very ironic that you are blaming others on here of misogyny, when your post is the most misogynistic of all.

No partner = life on hold. News to me.

And really, those children should feel guilty. And ashamed. That their stability was too important and really by them needing that, it just ruined any chance of future happiness for their parents

Sigh. Not what I said, is it? I asked how they might feel? What might the impact be?

I do worry about how, as a single person with no siblings or close family, no partner and just a few good friends with their own families to worry about, how I might manage illness or disability as I grow older. If my children are off living their own lives, how will I manage alone? Are you suggesting that I am wrong to worry about my own future and how that might pan out just because I am a parent? That I shouldn’t worry about my lack of pension contributions whilst I bring up 3 children without their father’s financial support? I too have a need for stability and financial security and friendship and love in my life yet I am supposed to sacrifice all that for the good of my children? Absolutely, none of this is their fault but neither is it mine. I didn’t ask for it but I have spent years managing as best I can and making decisions based on the situation as it is. Sure, they’ll judge me. Far from perfect. But it’s absolutely OK to want a special someone to share life with and I sincerely hope I have brought them up to give a shit about me as much as I have tried to do my best by them.

I think a large proportion of women who do this kind of thing have had difficult childhoods themselves and probably have parents who were very bad relationship role models. Obviously that doesn't mean you can absolve them of responsibility - they had children and they are responsible for bringing them up properly. But there is no getting away entirely from your upbringing.

oh right. Yeah, life on hold MUST mean not having a partner. It couldn’t possibly mean having to make decisions about eating/not eating, having new clothes/wearing the shoes with holes for another month, paying the council Tax or paying for childcare? I have zero quality of life. I am either working or sleeping. My life is absolutely on hold.

Yeah, life on hold MUST mean not having a partner

You literally wrote

Do you not think that whilst being grateful for that stability, they may feel guilty if I never find a new partner?

You equated stability and having a partner

Yeah, life on hold MUST mean not having a partner

You're the one who said it.

ohreally you’re really talking about misogyny then come out with that tripe about life being on hold and no pension/wearing old shoes without a partner??

Oh the irony of 'who will look after ME' 'who will support ME'.

We all have hard times and difficult periods where things royally suck.

What we all also have is a choice as to how we deal with our circumstances. We all have options and choices over our responses to challenges. No one escapes life challenges.

There is also, however, a big difference between the control one has over those decisions, as a child, and as an adult.

boringlyboring I’ve just come on to the thread to say I am very sorry indeed about what you’ve gone through.

I really hope you aren’t “fucked” and that you can somehow feel better one day.

I thought this was a one page thread (looking on phone screen) and was commenting on something said on page one.
Embarrassed to see it’s now running at 14 pages and my comment probably makes no sense.

My dm raised 3 dc alone after my df passed away. As an adult I can understand how difficult and lonely it was for her. I would have loved for her to meet someone but it didn’t happen for her. I know she dated but (and this is a big but) her standards are very high and she would not ever bring anyone who she wasn’t 100% sure of into either our home or our lives.

She had her own life, and went out occasionally (only ever leaving us with trusted family members that loved us as if we were their own) but we were to a certain extent unaware that she was dating and our safety, security and peace of mind were not jeopardised in any way. I’ve genuinely never felt gratitude to her for that until recent years, on seeing how other parents behave, and witnessing some on this thread justifying allowing strangers into their children’s lives.

My dm has put us first her entire life. She is single still, but has a full life and more importantly children who adore her knowing what she has sacrificed. I would entrust my dc with her without thought, knowing how much she loves them. And I hope I follow in her example by always putting my dc first too. Reading some of these posts is heartbreaking and only now do I really understand that the security that some of us take for granted is absolutely priceless.

@LuaDipa

A lovely post. Your mum sounds awesome, as do you.

If somebody thinks that not having a partner will make them unhappy then I think that's sad. You need to work on your self worth and learn to be happy without a partner.

Strange thread. Some people view single mothers as disgustingly irresponsible anyways, imagine having children with a man you can't live with ? denying the children a resident father because you put your own happiness first ?

Par for the course, judge those who make different decisions to you and ascribe desperation as their motive.

What nonsense Elon

What nonsense Elon

Not wrong in the fact single mothers can't win and seem to be judged harshly.