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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread baby pass the parcel over Xmas

185 replies

Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 05:02

Aibu to be slightly anxious about the festive season and baby being passed about all the time having hardly any time in mine or DHs arms.

DH and I combined have a big family and everyone wants their turn to have a cuddle and stimulate baby but how do you manage it when you as a parent end up not getting much time with your baby or having to broach the 'i need my baby back feelings' 'baby is starting to get upset' or they don't understand her cues when she's had enough and just wants space.

Apart from my DP and my mum everyone else rarely see her due to distance or as previously posted due to not being able to leave their pet.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I understand everyone wants a cuddle but DC ends up so stimulated she refuses to sleep or feed. Im EBF and have been told that I need to keep baby close by.

I've only began to start worrying as we visited family last week and having spent 3 hours there I only held baby for 45 minutes and DH only 15 minutes. DC refused to sleep or feed and was so unsettled for the rest of the day.

I end up feeling so bad as others want DC but after a bit of time she starts her 'Ive had enough' or 'i want mummy/daddy cues' but family get offended or upset when i ask to have her back.

OP posts:
Clankboing · 21/12/2018 07:25

Op I agree with you. I have 4 children older now but can remember just that feeling. Whether confident or not the baby would be overstimulated at night by this. Be honest: "No - last time I was up all night as she was overstimulated," Take her upstairs every so often for a break too. Def use a sling! As a mum you learn to stand up for your child in many situations - adults should know really!

FestiveNut · 21/12/2018 07:35

@Bowchicawowow

The OP will pick up on your condescension so perhaps you could work on that?

FestiveNut · 21/12/2018 07:38

OP, my DH says, 'Tell them to sod off.'

Xmas Smile
Original poster
Itssosunnyout · 21/12/2018 07:57

My DC is relatively chilled out but being away for me for so long and being passed about being overstimulated does end up with her not sleeping and feeding. That is stressful for her and for me. Ultimately its me or DH that comforts her as its us that she wants. Having people crowd baby as pp's have said, sing, shake toys, the Christmas songs will be on and decorations and lights, different houses, the amazing cooking smells etc surely people who are being critical can see is a lot for a baby to take in.

Even my health visitor has spoken about ensuring babies have down time away from toys during a regular day. And especially during Christmas.

There is nothing wrong with comforting your child and not wanting them to get stressed. DC is still very young.

Its not about anxiety more so having some foresight. I would love for family to enjoy their time but also have that balanced with the comfort of my DC. Unfortunately family don't always understand it due to excitement of seeing DC. Their cuddles and play comes from a good place but the quantity is a bit much during the festive season as its much more than a couple of people with so much going on.

I will be taking the sling, going out of the room when we need space, changing her out of the room and all sleeptimes will be with me or DH. DC is according to what I've read going through developmental leaps so she's already a little tender. Her best place is with me so as soon as I see from her cues that she is getting upset I will be having her back.

OP posts:
Evemary · 21/12/2018 08:00

Don’t allow it!

I’m naturally a very shy, reserved person. I hated it when my baby was passed around even though she clearly wanted me! I tried to ask for her back and all I got was “Oh she’s okay, I can settle her!”

I wish I stood up for myself more. Next time I will be putting my foot down!

blueskiesandforests · 21/12/2018 08:07

Flatwhite32 exactly. Presumably Diue and others making sneers comments about how chilled they were and how anxious anyone not their clone must be couldn't "be arsed" with a lot of aspects of parenting, so just kicked back and didn't do them, which was fine as their kids were chilled out about it...

Peachpie14 · 21/12/2018 08:10

Just say no sorry I’m enjoying her cuddles now, will pass her to you when you can have a cuddle. This was me last Christmas, she was 12 weeks and I was ebf too and from the minute we stepped in the door to my MIL house she was being grabbed and prodded and I was being followed around. It ruined my day. After about an hour she fell asleep (on me, luckily) for about two hours so I just kept hold of her. Just fend people off. We’re statin home this Christmas. Good luck Smile

Peachpie14 · 21/12/2018 08:11

Staying home that should say

Bowchicawowow · 21/12/2018 08:21

FestiveNut Grin

Sillybeagle · 21/12/2018 08:38

Oh god this has reminded me of my first Christmas with DS. He was 10 weeks old and Christmas Day my MIL insisted on holding him for hours and when he cried just kept jiggling him and saying he was ok. Finally I got him back but he was inconsolable-wouldn't feed etc. I took him upstairs and it was at this point he decided to hold his breath (he used to do this when very upset) and went purple. I remember blowing into his face to try and 'jolt' him into taking a breath-which he eventually did followed by a huge wail. But anyway that is my lingering memory of my first Christmas with my baby so please don't feel guilty about taking him back or upsetting others in the process.

CommonFishDiseases · 21/12/2018 08:42

Just popping by to say you sound like an amazing mum, OP. What you are feeling is totally normal. I felt the same. Good luck with handling it all and have a lovely Christmas Star

SnuggyBuggy · 21/12/2018 08:44

I can't get over how selfish and demanding some adults are over babies.

tryinganewname · 21/12/2018 09:04

I actually can't wait for DD to be passed around whilst I can do things without constant entertainment. She's awake 3-4 hours at a time and then has a 30 minute nap at the moment, it's exhausting.

When/if she starts crying I find a simple 'oh come to mummy then' and just taking her works.

mummmy2017 · 21/12/2018 09:13

You lot would hate me then. Baby 12 hours old, friends son 12 holds baby, baby went to sleep on him, 10 mins later he is asleep in our big arm chair, we chucked a blanket over the pair of them, they woke 2 hours later.

FestiveNut · 21/12/2018 09:22

@mummy2017 it's very dangerous to sleep with babies on a sofa or armchair (I think I read 50 times greater risk of SIDS) so no, I wouldn't have done that but each to their own.

SarahET · 21/12/2018 09:23

To be fair I think most babies 12 hours old will sleep anywhere and on anyone. The problems start to arise for some when they become more aware of their surroundings.

I know it's not a mummy being anxious thing, my cousin had one baby happy to with others and one who hated being separated from mum. People seem to forget babies have their own personalities, likes and dislikes.

FestiveNut · 21/12/2018 09:33

True, Sarah, but it's more dangerous when the person the baby is sleeping on is also asleep.

stepbystepdoula · 21/12/2018 09:35

You could explain having her close helps with your milk production, true keeps oxytocin high.
A sling could work, perhaps go to another room to settle baby. Try not to stress, baby will pick up on that too. 🎄❄☃️

TurquoiseDress · 21/12/2018 09:47

Hi OP

I have a 4 month old and I really can relate to where you are coming from. All your feelings and emotions are valid.

It's so hard, doing the best for your baby and allowing family/in-laws to spend time with them to.

It can be very difficult to just relax & chill out when you are so aware of your baby's needs and spend your days trying to meet them.

When my baby was just a few weeks old, they were with one of their uncles (DH brother) and then began to get upset & cry. He was shaking her up & down vigorously with the head all over the place and I was straight over to say just to rock them gently.

My DH told me to calm down and let uncle get on with settling her- I let it go on a couple more minutes, but ultimately felt like a shit mum for not taking my baby back immediately. DH had cross words afterwards too.

When they are this young, you and DH know best, you instinctively know what they need to settle them etc

Sorry I'm not giving you any practical advice, but just to let you know I hear you and completely understand where you are coming from.

TurquoiseDress · 21/12/2018 09:48

*DH and I had cross words afterwards

VickyEadie · 21/12/2018 09:49

I haven't read the whole thread (so apologies if I say something already said) and I don't have children.

But - is there an issue of exposing a small baby to a plethora of germs and viruses if you allow her to be passed around a load of people in a confined space?

AnOtherNomdePlume · 21/12/2018 09:50

Turquoise dress that sounds grim.

Blueroses99 · 21/12/2018 09:55

It’s not just about having a chilled out baby (my DD is, would always go to anyone and didn’t mind being handled), it’s also recognising that some adults go over the top, constant noise and shaking things in the babies face, ignoring babies cues and then being passed to someone else that does the same thing, over and over again. Do whatever you think is best for you and your baby.

AnOtherNomdePlume · 21/12/2018 09:58

Tbh within reason "normal" germs from a health looking person didn't bother me with babies.

(The only time such thoughts interfered with family life was when we had a germy, ill toddler and our aged aunt who was still recovering from serious illness didn't break her journey to stay over with US! I think the older generation can have more to be careful of if I'm honest.)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2018 10:02

Presumably Diue and others making sneers comments about how chilled they were and how anxious anyone not their clone must be couldn't "be arsed" with a lot of aspects of parenting, so just kicked back and didn't do them, which was fine as their kids were chilled out about it...

Well that comment makes you look just as bad as the people you are criticising. Hmm