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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread baby pass the parcel over Xmas

185 replies

Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 05:02

Aibu to be slightly anxious about the festive season and baby being passed about all the time having hardly any time in mine or DHs arms.

DH and I combined have a big family and everyone wants their turn to have a cuddle and stimulate baby but how do you manage it when you as a parent end up not getting much time with your baby or having to broach the 'i need my baby back feelings' 'baby is starting to get upset' or they don't understand her cues when she's had enough and just wants space.

Apart from my DP and my mum everyone else rarely see her due to distance or as previously posted due to not being able to leave their pet.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I understand everyone wants a cuddle but DC ends up so stimulated she refuses to sleep or feed. Im EBF and have been told that I need to keep baby close by.

I've only began to start worrying as we visited family last week and having spent 3 hours there I only held baby for 45 minutes and DH only 15 minutes. DC refused to sleep or feed and was so unsettled for the rest of the day.

I end up feeling so bad as others want DC but after a bit of time she starts her 'Ive had enough' or 'i want mummy/daddy cues' but family get offended or upset when i ask to have her back.

OP posts:
IamMoana · 20/12/2018 15:08

Walk over to them, arms outstretched and say 'could I take her back please' then just stand there. Don't move, until they pass the baby back. Even if it gets uncomfortable. I breast fed which helped, but cottoned on quick I needed to be assertive or I wasn't seeing my baby for hours on end. Now they're 4 no one is even slightly interested.

Original poster
Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 15:24

Thank you to the people who have given constructive advice along sharing their experiences.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

If also like to make clear that I haven't restricted anyone from holding DC and had immediate family visit from DC being 1 day old with plenty of cuddles and pictures. This has and will carry on but from reading others experiences i feel a lot more confidence in saying no and that DC has had enough. I'm like PP has said not a feeding machine or soothing machine. It doesn't really meet the needs to DC if DC is constantly upset has a few mins with then goes back to being upset. She needs to feel secure.

I am disregarding the 'clingy' comments. We as parents all do things different and there is no need for judgement.

OP posts:
BonBonVoyage · 20/12/2018 15:35

I found it really difficult to have my baby out of my arms at the start and felt an almost physical pull to have him back in my arms. His don't think that makes me a clingy mother, I think it's nature making sure mummy and baby are together.
OP yanbu, use the phrases people have suggested here and ignore anyone who thinks it's "their turn" with the baby

mintich · 20/12/2018 16:04

@BarryTrotter123 I almost did smack her in the face! I did shout at her....funnily enough all the baby passing stopped then! Now have a newborn son, and I make sure I remind them (in laws!) that he's not a doll if they get "overenthusiastic"

eightoclock · 20/12/2018 16:30

These are probably the same people who think they can go round touching pregnant women's abdomens...

It's unreasonable behaviour to pass a baby round like this. I think as soon as you confidently assert yourself people will soon do as you ask them.

Personally I find the opposite problem - people are always trying to get me to hold their babies when I'm not that keen. I don't really see the point - I can easily admire the baby in its mother's arms. Happy to coo over them as required but that is all

KC225 · 20/12/2018 16:53

So last week had 168 hours, for three hours you went to visit people. During those three hours, you held your baby for 45 and your DH for 15, so your baby was held interested parties by the grand total of TWO HOURS.

vdbfamily · 20/12/2018 16:58

In my experience, when a baby needs a feed, they make it pretty obvious by crying loudly and usually people are happy to return a crying baby. I would suggest taking advantage of the opportunity for a break and let your family do some bonding.

twiglet · 20/12/2018 19:21

We were told by our midwife that passing the baby around people to hold actually makes them sore which is why they are less likely to settle after or be grumpy.

Be firm and limit it completely, if they say anything state sorry midwife/health visitor has advised that it's not good for the baby!

LesLavandes · 20/12/2018 19:38

Just say she is unsettled and you would like to calm her. And take her!!!

Spaghettibol · 20/12/2018 20:45

Im due in February and just gunna try get the visiting done all in one day

FestiveNut · 20/12/2018 21:38

There is an app I have, mush, that had an article on this. They said being passed around is stressful for babies and should be limited. Problem is that some, like some PP, think that if baby does not vocalise that stress it doesn't exist. The advice the app gave was to not go to huge family gatherings and just see a couple of people at a time. At large gatherings I find you just have to be bolshy. Get used to advocating for your child, they're relying on you to do so.

Aspenn17 · 20/12/2018 21:42

When my LO was this age and I could tell she was getting fed up/I wanted her back I would just disappear into a room upstairs to feed her, I think everyone just thought I was a bit shy about breastfeeding in front of them. In reality I didn’t care at all I just wanted some peace and alone time with her x

Spagyetti · 20/12/2018 21:52

If they can't accept your boundaries could you do shorter visits or maybe half way through the visit say you need to go to supermarket for nappies/Calpol etc (and you need to take her as she is ebf)?

Or,.just have short visits full stop.

KonaMum · 20/12/2018 22:11

I had this at a family party recently (DS was about 11 weeks). He was starting to get really tired and crabby. People kept offering to ‘see if they could settle him’. DS would at this point only sleep in a sling or be fed to sleep. He needed a nap and there was too much going on for him. No amount of Auntie Pam rocking him was going to sort that out. In the end I just sent DH to the car for the sling, he popped him on his chest and jiggled him to sleep and everyone left him alone.

Equally I get annoyed when I go to stuff and no one offers to hold him for 10 minutes so I can eat so people can’t really win, I’m just a grumpy mother 😂😂

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 20/12/2018 22:13

Yep, currently going through this at my in-laws. I actually don't mind them holding 14 week old DS, but it grates whenever someone arrives and immediately comes over and takes him off me. It's not like they've snatched him away, but more stand over me cooing with their arms out and expect to take him. I know I could say no, but it feels so akward I just hand him over. Tbh though, it's mostly nice to show him off, but it is the expectation of surrendering him. Don't get me started on FIL wandering off with him though, that does annoy me something terrible!

Dieu · 20/12/2018 22:28

People have to 'calm their baby down for hours' when they've been handed round the relatives. Really? Hmm
Thank fuck mine were chilled out babies, as I could not be arsed with that. Not that I'd have spent much time worrying over it in the first place.

Blueroses99 · 20/12/2018 23:00

Last Christmas was much more stressful for me, DD and DH than we expected. I was in the kitchen for most of the morning and left her with my parents/in-laws/siblings. DD sees them all the time and is not clingy in the slightest so I thought it would be fine. Everyone got over excited and were in her face all the time. I noticed that she had 4 people around her for a nappy change! She was completely overstimulated.

When I realised what was going on, I took her upstairs for a nap everytime I thought she needed a break. I then insisted that she sat on my lap for the evening and wasn’t passed around, she happily watched what was going on without fussing. This year, we need to make sure she gets enough space and doesn’t get overwhelmed. But you are right to plan ahead and try to do things so your baby enjoys the day.

FestiveNut · 21/12/2018 02:52

@dieu

I don't know about hours, but lots of excited adults crowding you isn't pleasant for me as the person holding the baby, nevermind my tiny infant! Last time you could visibly see her getting stressed.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 21/12/2018 06:50

“Thank fuck mine were chilled out babies, as I could not be arsed with that”

The point is that if they hadn’t been “chilled out babies” you may have to have been arsed with that, or take steps to avoid them getting so upset in the first place

MarthasGinYard · 21/12/2018 07:01

'People have to 'calm their baby down for hours' when they've been handed round the relatives. Really? 
Thank fuck mine were chilled out babies, as I could not be arsed with that. Not that I'd have spent much time worrying over it in the first place.'

Couldn't agree more

SnuggyBuggy · 21/12/2018 07:02

Well good for you if you had "chilled out babies", many of us don't. How is that helpful to a mum with a baby who doesn't like being passed around?

Flatwhite32 · 21/12/2018 07:06

@Dieu Thank fuck mine were chilled out babies, as I could not be arsed with that. Not that I'd have spent much time worrying over it in the first place

Well good for you! Not everyone has a chilled out baby. What an unsupportive post.

malificent7 · 21/12/2018 07:07

Aww bless...i was more than happy to let people have a hug as my boobs were dropping off at that stage and i was desperate to finish a cup of tea!

malificent7 · 21/12/2018 07:09

Very insensitive comments about xhilled out bavies though..some just want mum.

If baby cries while being held perfect excuse to get her back.

Bowchicawowow · 21/12/2018 07:14

Your baby will pick up on your anxiety so perhaps you could work on that?

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