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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread baby pass the parcel over Xmas

185 replies

Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 05:02

Aibu to be slightly anxious about the festive season and baby being passed about all the time having hardly any time in mine or DHs arms.

DH and I combined have a big family and everyone wants their turn to have a cuddle and stimulate baby but how do you manage it when you as a parent end up not getting much time with your baby or having to broach the 'i need my baby back feelings' 'baby is starting to get upset' or they don't understand her cues when she's had enough and just wants space.

Apart from my DP and my mum everyone else rarely see her due to distance or as previously posted due to not being able to leave their pet.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I understand everyone wants a cuddle but DC ends up so stimulated she refuses to sleep or feed. Im EBF and have been told that I need to keep baby close by.

I've only began to start worrying as we visited family last week and having spent 3 hours there I only held baby for 45 minutes and DH only 15 minutes. DC refused to sleep or feed and was so unsettled for the rest of the day.

I end up feeling so bad as others want DC but after a bit of time she starts her 'Ive had enough' or 'i want mummy/daddy cues' but family get offended or upset when i ask to have her back.

OP posts:
stroan · 20/12/2018 08:58

I completely get this, it’s something I felt very wary of in the early days. I also didn’t anticipate how strongly I would feel about having my baby close to me as much as possible.

Like many PP’s, the sling is a good idea. We visited my in laws when DD was 5 weeks. The first day, people just wouldn’t give her back to me and I struggle to be assertive. They’d walk into other rooms if I suggested taking her back. I felt awful, she wouldn’t feed and we were still struggling to establish breastfeeding. Had a complete breakdown that night to DH.

On the second day, I popped her in a close caboo sling and kept her in there. Resisted all offers of “help” and just kept my baby close, while smiling and nodding. MIL wasn’t happy but DD is more important!

TitusAndromedom · 20/12/2018 09:07

I think people are missing that it isn’t one day, it’s four days of family and visiting. I get overwhelmed after one or two days of constant time with visitors, so I imagine it’s easy for babies to feel the same. Yesterday I was visiting a friend with a baby not much younger than yours, OP, and she asked me to hold him for a bit while she did something with her toddler. He was fine for a while, and then after a bit started fussing. I comforted him at first, but then handed him back to his mum since she was finished with her older son. He settled almost immediately. Lots of babies do have a preference for their parents and it’s fine for you to acknowledge that and to meet your baby’s needs.

I would try to come up with a mental sort of timetable that you’re happy with. Be flexible if your baby is fine, but if you can see the situation becoming difficult just say firmly that you’re going to have the baby back and wander off for a cuddle or feed.

Bluelady · 20/12/2018 09:11

This makes me appreciate my daughter in law more than ever. I was offered a cuddle with our 12 day old grandson before I'd even taken my coat off. And he was allowed to sleep happily on Grandpa's chest for 90 minutes. Once I'd have taken that for granted but MN's made me realise how fortunate we are.

Santababyclaus · 20/12/2018 09:16

I think some people are being a bit mean to op.

I have a large family and my dd seemed to get really overwhelmed by the constant passing around. It wasn't uncommon for there to be 15-20 relatives - that's a lot of passing around. Unfortunately not all relatives hand a fussing baby back to their parents, at one point when my dd was about 2 months old I had to physically prise her out of my sil's arms because she wanted to settle her. Dd was hungry, only my boobs were going to work!

Yes, it's nice to have a bit of a break from the baby but at the same time I also want to hold my baby from time to time and I don't want to have to deal with the hysterical mess (a common feature for me was baby being handed back to me when she was crying hysterically that she then couldn't latch on properly queue a load of comments about whether I'm breastfeeding properly/should formula feed instead).

Fwiw I'm not in the slightest bit a clingy mum (I seem to be the only mum who didn't cry on dd's first day at nursery, in fact I was bloody elated) and dd, now 3, has no qualms about being with our families.

In hindsight I wish I had just taken dd upstairs for a bit of peace or out in her pushchair for some fresh air.

SilverBirchTree · 20/12/2018 09:17

Hi @Itssosunnyout,

I was you a year ago. I wish I'd realised how completely ok it is to say: No Smile

Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable

SilverBirchTree · 20/12/2018 09:19

@Bluelady good for you- but your DIL offered you a cuddle. Some family walk in the door demanding one, putting the mother in a position of people pleasing vs doing what she feels like right as a mum.

MyBreadIsEggy · 20/12/2018 09:21

My son was a newborn 2 christmasses ago, and this really bothered me.
I don’t like sharing my babies Blush
He spent the whole of Christmas either in a sling or attached to my boobs which worked quite well at keeping unwanted attention away Grin A breast has immense power Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 09:22

New mums and babies really shouldn't be expected to be people pleasers

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 20/12/2018 09:22

I used to just say "it's okay she's happy where she is right now"

Got a few shocked faces but it worked. When you become a parent you have to learn not to tiptoe around these things. If you don't want it to happen then don't let it.

toomuchtooold · 20/12/2018 09:23

This isn't to do with having a high needs baby - it's perfectly normal for a baby this age to prefer their primary carer(s). My DD1 was a really easy baby, slept well, ate everything, almost always cheery, but if people she didn't know got up in her face she'd go off like a fire alarm.

It's also not to do with the OP being precious or clingy - there's nothing wrong with not wanting your baby to be unsettled and overstimulated, and none of the people who're getting a cuddle are going to have to deal with the consequences of an overtired and overstimulated baby.

And it's great for other people if they enjoyed the break of family taking the baby... but if it doesn't feel like a break to the OP then it's not a break. It would be lovely if friends and family could actually ask what they could do to help.

FuckingYuleLog · 20/12/2018 09:27

I’d go with the sling. If people know you only tend to use it outside have an excuse ready - she’s coming down with something and just wants mum (added bonus of insinuating they could catch it if they get too close) or that she’s been really colicky/clingy recently and just wants mum all the time.
Or if you are happy for people to hold her a bit do as pp said and when you think baby has had enough (pref before they are cranky) say it’s time to feed them and bugger off upstairs for as long as you want.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/12/2018 09:27

If the baby's happy, what's wrong with family wanting a cuddle?

We were a family party of 12 a couple of Christmases ago - Gds then 5 months had cuddles with everybody - he was quite happy and it gave dd and SiL a break.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 09:32

To be fair 5 months is different, I found that was about the age DD started getting something out of interacting with other people.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 20/12/2018 09:32

How is that an easy baby toomuchtooold?

IdentifyasTired · 20/12/2018 09:35

God Almighty. Calling a mother clingy and precious because she doesn't want her baby to become overtired and miserable. Why are new mothers so infantalised and told that their perfectly legitimate thoughts and feelings are ridiculous? It is infuriating.

OP you are not clingy or precious. She is your baby. If you think she is tired, stressed or hungry speak up.

SarahET · 20/12/2018 09:35

Absolutely nothing wrong if the baby is happy. My MIL was fab settling my eldest and I was so happy to see her arrive and get a break. But there were occasions with family that I knew the baby needed a break/sleep etc. and because I didn't want to offend I left her with them. You end up with a very cranky baby which is not fun. I think that all people are saying is that this situation you shouldn't be afraid to do what is right for the baby.

toomuchtooold · 20/12/2018 09:37

How is that an easy baby toomuchtooold?

slept well, ate everything, almost always cheery

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 20/12/2018 09:39

go off like a fire alarm
You realize most babies don't do this right?

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 09:40

Many don't.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 09:40

Seriously Bluelady, that’s what you get from this? Rather than thinking “oh it’s good that I respond to what my DIL and grandchild want and need” you think people are saying you shouldn’t have been allowed to hold your grandchild?

toomuchtooold · 20/12/2018 09:42

You realize most babies don't do this right?

I don't care how many babies do it, she was still easy. Slept anywhere, chattered away... she had one preference, which was very easy to respect.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 09:44

It's irrelevant what "most babies" do. You meet the needs of your baby and if your baby doesn't like being passed around you step in and take them away. Babies shouldn't have to please anyone.

Flamingosnbears · 20/12/2018 09:45

Your baby at the end of the day just state bubba is not a toy and you want to keep them settled

Surfskatefamily · 20/12/2018 09:45

Dont worry so much. I hand my boy over to his nanna about 10mins in. Give her a good snuggle then ask for him back. Everyone else gets him if hes in the right mood. But theres no pass the parcel, iv been quick to say that to the fam. Iv got a big one too.
Pass him in short spread out bursts to the people you know will be most upset if they dont get a hold.
Other than that hold him in a way that will allow interaction with gamily members in your arms.
And when someone has him and you want hum back just go over, arms held out, "come to mumma babe"

AnOtherNomdePlume · 20/12/2018 09:45

I don't know little babies who don't get overstimulated in these situations. They only varied in how long it took.