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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread baby pass the parcel over Xmas

185 replies

Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 05:02

Aibu to be slightly anxious about the festive season and baby being passed about all the time having hardly any time in mine or DHs arms.

DH and I combined have a big family and everyone wants their turn to have a cuddle and stimulate baby but how do you manage it when you as a parent end up not getting much time with your baby or having to broach the 'i need my baby back feelings' 'baby is starting to get upset' or they don't understand her cues when she's had enough and just wants space.

Apart from my DP and my mum everyone else rarely see her due to distance or as previously posted due to not being able to leave their pet.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I understand everyone wants a cuddle but DC ends up so stimulated she refuses to sleep or feed. Im EBF and have been told that I need to keep baby close by.

I've only began to start worrying as we visited family last week and having spent 3 hours there I only held baby for 45 minutes and DH only 15 minutes. DC refused to sleep or feed and was so unsettled for the rest of the day.

I end up feeling so bad as others want DC but after a bit of time she starts her 'Ive had enough' or 'i want mummy/daddy cues' but family get offended or upset when i ask to have her back.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 20/12/2018 06:38

Blimey, I must have been a shit mum, I loved people taking DD off my hands for a short while so I could sit with a cuppa/mince pie/glass of wine. It was great. Believe me by the following year with a whiney toddler they weren’t quite as obliging (buggers).

YoumeandlittleP · 20/12/2018 06:42

I have a dc the same age as yours. I understand that you know her cues more than others but I feel like this is a non issue. If you see your baby getting fractious, ask for her back. That's it. End of. You don't have to justify yourself as you know her the best.
I personally like my dc to get a lot of face time with friends and family. I feel it makes them more secure and they have lots more people that they settle with. Personal preference but there we are.

safetyfreak · 20/12/2018 06:42

Clingy mother alert!

My brother just had a baby with his partner, she's been wonderful with letting people hold the baby. When the baby cries, we happily give the baby back to her parents! Who wants to hold a crying baby? lol.

I was very chilled as a new mother too, was happy to let people hold DD. It gave me a break. Clingy mothers being over precious with their children really annoy me.

Silkie2 · 20/12/2018 06:44

I think maybe DPs believe that everyone is desperate to cuddle their perfect DfB - which they are a bit but for many a little cuddle and then pass them on is enough. Others might want to show off their expert baby skills and others believe that are giving you a break. Others might want to get out of helping with older DCs.
If you can be extra grateful towards the helpful ones as you take baby back/ for a feed, or a snooze /or a walk but just be firm.

FruminousBandersnatch · 20/12/2018 06:46

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about asking for her back. If I could have my time again I would have cuddled mine non stop! Babies are lush and soon they will want to get down and run around.

speakout · 20/12/2018 06:47

When you hold baby sit with your T shirt up.

No one will know whether you are feeding or not and will hopefully be too polite to ask.

speakout · 20/12/2018 06:48

I remember feeling like this with my babies too.

You can simply say " I would like my baby back now".

THat's OK.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 06:48

Frankly I didn’t find it much of a break for the only contact with my baby to be calming him down when he was inconsolable due to overstimulation and missing me. I would then have to take him away from the group and I would miss out on family time. Yes it was lovely to have two hands free for a bit, but I did need to step sometimes to make sure he got the contact with his mother that he needed just to keep things on an even keel. Not especially high needs - it’s normal for babies to need to come back to their mothers frequently.

blueskiesandforests · 20/12/2018 06:56

We went on holiday with my in-laws when dc3 was 4 weeks old and mil walked off with him, then took him to their accommodation next door to ours. She wouldn't give him back - my breasts were hurting because he cried, stimulating let down, but she rocked him and wouldn't give him back and everyone was telling me to relax and "enjoy" the "break" - Angry .

she spent several hours rocking him back to sleep - he missed feeds and was then up all night cluster feeding. MIL informed me that I had imagined this as he was an easy baby who slept all the time. It makes me angry even now, 7 years later.

What makes me even crosser is the memory of how extended family appeared to think I was insane and should be grateful for a night awake with an unsettled hungry baby following an afternoon of breast pain and worrying about him crying and being rocked to sleep hungry, and the interuption so early in breastfeeding, and threat of mastitis. The absolute worst thing is being told you should enjoy that!

My own mother was equally bad with dc2. Came to stay to "help" after my caesarean section but planted herself in my breastfeeding chair and only handed him back to feed or for a nappy change, said she needed to bind with him and tried to order me around, telling me that I should take advantage of having her there "to hold the baby" and get on and wash the floors and vacume the stairs, the windows needed doing and she needed cups of tea and could I just get her a few bits to nibble on as she couldn't get up. I'd had a fucking c section ten days before, my baby was breast fed, I'd been utterly content pottering with newborn in the wrap sling and toddler at my side in the few days between DH returning to work and her arriving, and I wanted to kill her. When I snapped and told her how miserable I was and how it was ridiculous to expect me to be doing heavy house work straight after a cesarean she came out with the crap about how she'd have thought I'd be grateful to have someone to hold the baby, she always was. Angry

Some people seem to have babies specifically because they don't want them, according to the kind of relative who wants to remove newborns from their mothers arms for extended periods and expects gratitude for doing so.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 07:03

“When the baby cries, we happily give the baby back to her parents! Who wants to hold a crying baby? lol.”

Well neither does its mother I expect. Why not give cuddles and then hand back before the baby is crying? Saves on stress all round

MerryChristmasArthur · 20/12/2018 07:04

If your baby is cranky and miserable then people will hand her back anyway surely.

I loved taking photos of my dd with everyone when she was a baby.
Such precious memories now when not everyone is here to see what a beautiful & clever young woman she has grown into, my dad included as he past away 4 years ago.

MerryChristmasArthur · 20/12/2018 07:07

Also thinking back to my brother & my sis in law when they had their babies. I was always given the babies to hold whilst they ate their meals and mine went stone cold but I never got to reciprocate that as my brother always disappeared when it came to dinner at a family event Hmm now I know why Grin

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 07:07

I loved seeing other people enjoy cuddling my baby, and I know he enjoyed the cuddles too. But it is NOT a break for the parents if for all the hands free time they then have to spend hours calming a baby down. And it’s not about parents being clingy, it’s about relatives considering the baby’s needs and deferring to the people who know the baby best

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 07:12

I'd just be honest, say you are going to take baby for some quiet time and will be back soon.

LIVIA999 · 20/12/2018 07:14

Someone I know when in this situation just gets her boobs out and sits waiting.
Her mother HATES breastfeeding and thinks it's disgusting so the baby is thrown back pretty sharpish.
If all else fails give that a go.

Maneandfeathers · 20/12/2018 07:16

Honestly, it’s one day. You won’t miss the baby when she’s in the same room.
Enjoy the fact that you have family who want to help and build a bond with her, you never know when you will need it in the future!

Littlefrog99 · 20/12/2018 07:17

I think you're building this up into something it isn't, babies that age rarely bat am eyelid at who is holding them. They cry for mum when they want feeding, the rest of the time they're jusy happy to be cuddled. I've been surrounded by babies all of my life and never have I known an adult refuse to pass a crying baby back to mum. Babies will pick up on when mum is anxious and this in turn will make them anxious so try to relax. These people are your family and just want to get to know your beautiful baby.

Original poster
Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 07:21

Safetyfreak

I wouldn't say I'm clingy as i encourage time with others. My issue is when baby is fussing, being passed about like a plaything, overstimulated to the point baby is upset. DC sees family several times a week, and I go to groups and play dates. I don't think im being unreasonable when baby is being held away for over 1 hour (not sleeping)

Blueskiesandforests

Im really sorry that you went through that. I hope your family have for better and listen to how you feel now.

OP posts:
HariboLecter · 20/12/2018 07:24

You said in a pp they see your DC rarely, so please let your family get their cuddles in.

I see my niece 2 or 3 times a year, I missed out on lots of cuddles when she was tiny because my mum wanted her to herself.

londonrach · 20/12/2018 07:24

Enjoy the break but ifyou want her back just ask. Dont see the problem.

SarahET · 20/12/2018 07:28

Funnily enough a lot of my family were quite happy to keep trying to settle a crying baby... until food or something more interesting arrived, then she was straight back to us! Grin

In hindsight it was our fault, we were trying too hard not to offend but I really doubt anybody would have been upset if we'd just taken the baby back to settle or feed.

Just be matter of fact about it, "I'll take the baby now to feed (etc.) so we don't have her screaming later".

Bouchie · 20/12/2018 07:28

I really think you need to consider if this is for you or your baby. it is good for babies to spend time around different people so that they learn to socialise. If she get a upset it is a good way to learn that her Mum is there for her when she is needed. I would look at getting some help with your anxiety as well. My Mum used to be very anxious and she had lots of therapy and it completely changed her and made her much more relaxed. At xmas enjoy others enjoying your baby!

blueskiesandforests · 20/12/2018 07:30

Itssosunnyout thanks. My kids are all school age now. MIL was good with them as toddlers and they were close to her til she died. Ironically DD was the closest to mil and didn't meet mil until she was 5 months old, and then saw her again at 10 months and the next time at nearly 2, because until DD was nearly 2 we lived in a different country to mil and mil needed a visa so wouldn't visit! So there is clearly no need for relatives to spend hours monopolising newborns in order to have a bond later.

I found it harder to forgive my own mother as for various reasons I think she should have known better, and it continued over a 2 week period during which she was in my house 24/7. It permanently dented our relationship.

Original poster
Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 07:30

Thank you all for your suggestions. Its been helpful advice on both sides. DC will be getting cuddles but just not for as long as everyone would like.

We have 4 days of constant visiting alongside us wanting to spend quality family time with DC on first class

Haribolector

The family who don't see DC often are my siblings as they dont live here.

OP posts:
theculture · 20/12/2018 07:32

It's so different depending on the baby - and if it's been a while or they didn't have that type of baby they just don't understand!

I had 2 really happy giggly babies - as long as they were with me!! Now as children they aren't that fussed and find me mildly annoying compared to their dad

But I didn't understand until I had my own . . .