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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dread baby pass the parcel over Xmas

185 replies

Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 05:02

Aibu to be slightly anxious about the festive season and baby being passed about all the time having hardly any time in mine or DHs arms.

DH and I combined have a big family and everyone wants their turn to have a cuddle and stimulate baby but how do you manage it when you as a parent end up not getting much time with your baby or having to broach the 'i need my baby back feelings' 'baby is starting to get upset' or they don't understand her cues when she's had enough and just wants space.

Apart from my DP and my mum everyone else rarely see her due to distance or as previously posted due to not being able to leave their pet.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I understand everyone wants a cuddle but DC ends up so stimulated she refuses to sleep or feed. Im EBF and have been told that I need to keep baby close by.

I've only began to start worrying as we visited family last week and having spent 3 hours there I only held baby for 45 minutes and DH only 15 minutes. DC refused to sleep or feed and was so unsettled for the rest of the day.

I end up feeling so bad as others want DC but after a bit of time she starts her 'Ive had enough' or 'i want mummy/daddy cues' but family get offended or upset when i ask to have her back.

OP posts:
anniehm · 20/12/2018 07:34

It's just a few hours, you need to try to relax - in a few weeks time you will be wondering why you worried. Use the time to be able to drink hot drinks without worrying an eat with two hands! After Christmas it's back to mostly you so take time out (you could even nip out for an hour)

blueskiesandforests · 20/12/2018 07:36

Brew good luck Itssosunnyout

It may help to brief your DH now that you need him to support you when you take the baby back before her tipping point to avoid her becoming overtired, over hungry, over stimulated and upset. My DH not understanding and thinking I should be enjoying not being able to get my baby back added insult to injury.

I guess it's good you have time to mentally prepare and agree with DH about where your boundaries are, so as to be on the same side and ready to calmly take your baby back before she's missed a feed or become difficult to settle.

chocolateshortcake · 20/12/2018 07:44

I understand. Unfortunately my husbands family flat out refused to give me the baby back and still do with dc 2/3 so any kind of family occasion fills me with dread. Because they seemed to think baby's needs are irrelevant (I would say "baby needs a feed he is getting really upset" they would reply along the lines of "he's only just fed an hour ago he can wait, it's my time with him now" 😩) they are most certainly not people that I would leave my dc with unless an absolute emergency so I don't regret a thing. Except allowing it to happen for so long because I was worried about upsetting them.

Aria2015 · 20/12/2018 07:44

My first Christmas with my lo was a nightmare. He was a few months old. Was passed around, didn't sleep and was up all night screaming because he was overtired. I was in tears because he was so unsettled so I feel your pain. Do you have a sling? My friend just arrived with a her baby strapped to her chest and it makes it more awkward for people to take the baby. You could try that? People don't understand or forget what over stimulation does to a baby. They'll be tucked up in bed while you're walking the floor trying to settle them! Good luck!

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 07:45

It is NOT anxiety not to want to only be passed back your baby when they are stressed and unhappy

All babies are different and calling someone a “clingy mother” for not wanting her baby to get stressed (because if the baby does, she will know about it) is arsehole behaviour

Redken24 · 20/12/2018 07:50

Just ask for them back.
People may complain but just nod and smile. Baby back thanks.

guiltynetter · 20/12/2018 07:55

my baby is 14 weeks too and I'm also dreading this on Christmas day,but mainly for the germs aspect! he has Already had bronchiolitis and an awful cold courtesy of his older sister. I feel so sorry for him. he has cousins that are aged 2, 2 and 3 also and they always ask to hold him. I feel evil saying no but I don't want them to Sad

popcorndiva · 20/12/2018 07:59

My baby is 14 weeks and i love it when people hold him for me as usually i can never get anything done. I am cooking dinner so i am relying on others to distract him.
Do you suffer from anxiety and maybe your baby picks up on this. If you are relaxed the baby will be.

NineInchSnail · 20/12/2018 08:01

I have used the 'i want baby back' before but I'm made to feel guilty about having her other times I've said no to a hold but person has come over and taken baby out of my arms to pass about.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Do what feels best for you an your baby. Put baby in a sling and learn not to care if your relatives get offended. They are not offering you any consideration or respect so don't payicularly deserve any of yours.

crimsonlake · 20/12/2018 08:02

I think you are overthinking this, it is one day, so try to relax and enjoy showing off your baby and the attention it gets and have a break. Your relationship with your child will not be damaged in those few hours. Perhaps be glad that people show an interest as some people don't bother that much.

bookmum08 · 20/12/2018 08:02

A baby bouncy seat is your friend. Pop baby in it and tell everyone that baby likes to 'sit and watch the world go by'. Everyone (including you) can still tickle tummy and feet and play peekaboo and go "aren't you adorable" but without baby being held all the time. You don't need to contantly be holding her.

BeanTownNancy · 20/12/2018 08:18

My baby was also about 14 weeks old on Christmas day (2 years ago) and was EBF. we spent the day with family and he was passed around a fair amount. He was so over-stimulated by spending time with all those people that he... slept through the night for the very first time, and then continued to do so for the rest of his life. I was so grateful!

It might not be as bad as you think, but just stop caring so much what other people think of you. If you think your baby needs a break, take her back. Don't ask just say "I'll have her back now" and reach over and take her. People can judge and bitch and moan all they like, they'll get over it and when she's ready to see people again, ask if anyone would like to hold her.

People will judge you and your parenting no matter what you do, so you might as well just steer into it and stop giving a shit right now.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 08:19

It is not a break if normal lovely family cuddles go on for long enough that the baby is handed back to the mother crying and takes ages to settle. That is stressful for the baby, for her, and means they all miss out on family time. If your baby was happy with lots of family cuddles then great, but allow other women to know their babies and what is enough for them. Saying that the baby’s distress is caused by the mother being anxious (when it almost certainly comes the other way round - experience tells the mother that after a while the baby needs to come back to her) is really not ok

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 08:25

“You don't need to contantly be holding her.“

Some babies do want to be constantly held. It’s tiring, but normal. Fortunately mine was put-downable, but that wasn’t because I did anything right or wrong

Mumtoboy123 · 20/12/2018 08:28

You are by no means a clingy mother. I have the same issue and baby is 11 weeks so pretty much the same sotuation other than my DS is bottle fed so dont have the EBF card to play. I actually hate seeing certain people with him because they pretend to know him. The poor boy will fart once and the whole room hears "are you filling your nappy" to which i get blunt and say "no hes just farting" then i get the looks. It bothers me that certain family memebers behave like they know him so well when they havent worked for a relationship with him. The worst is "you always fall asleep on nanny" NO hes 11 weeks old he sleeps ANYWHERE! i will be taking baby back, feeding out of the room and if anyone gives me a funny look, makes a comment or anything like that i'll be leaving....even if i have to get a maccys on the way home.
Im also concerned about nap times. I just know DH neice is very selfish and when her brother is sleeping and she wants a cuddle she will go and knock the cot or shout near him to wake him. The moment she does this to my son i will leave.
Its taken me time to learn but be firm. Im really trying to and i struggle but he is ours and we make the rules.
Good luck

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 08:32

I don't get the obsession extended family have with "bonding" with newborn babies or the suggestion that it benefits them to "socialise" at such a young age. They are like hangry vegetables at that age.

Plenty of time for bonding and socializing when they are older, going longer between feeding and sleeping and can be played with. What's the rush?

Crimbobimbo · 20/12/2018 08:35

Out of my three, two of them just didn't seem to take well to being passed around and would take ages to calm down. I had a family do once (big family) where I lost sight of baby for ages, when I found her she was all red faced and crying. The relative thought 'i'd like the break', err, no now I have a unhappy child who won't feed or sleep, thanks for that. Some people do get sniffy if they don't get a hold, you know what? Sod them if they're going to be silly about it. Go upstairs and feed if you can lying down and don't be afraid to ask for baby back. Who knows, the baby might be fine, but if not that's OK.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 20/12/2018 08:37

OP I completely understand your anxiety about this. Don't let people tell you you're being precious Hmm. It is your natural instinct telling you that your baby needs you.

I would never have understood this until I had my own baby. I loved seeing everyone enjoying him and holding him. But I'll never forget the first afternoon we had a full house of visitors. Baby became hysterical and I couldn't get him to latch on for a full hour. He was clearly overstimulated. I had a stressful few hours trying to settle him afterwards.

It was fine when there were one or two visitors who knew when to hand him back to me.

I soon put a stop to late evening visits as this would mean me being up with an unsettled baby all night afterwards. And tried to limit the number of visitors at one time as much as possible.

If I ever have another I'll be doing the same. I'll also be using the sling more and/or just pretending baby is feeding. Baby comes first. I've never understood people wanting to hog someone else's newborn Confused so weird.

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 20/12/2018 08:37

I say no!

And this is also why I like breastfeeding, I can just say oh she needs a feed 😂

Bambamber · 20/12/2018 08:38

Buy a baby Annabelle that they can pass round instead. When people look confused explain that toys are for entertainment, not babies

JudasPrudy · 20/12/2018 08:46

I am reading this remembering a Christmas when my nephew was born, he was crying and I took him off his mum and walked him about to try to give her a break...she probably hated me at that point Blush

AnOtherNomdePlume · 20/12/2018 08:47

Bambamber great idea!

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 08:55

Bambamber, love it

sashh · 20/12/2018 08:55

Appoint a 'baby monitor', maybe your mum, someone who has some authority in the family.

They can do the, "Itso was just like that at 14 weeks, if she didn't get mum or dad she'd stop eating, we don't want this baby getting upset".

Mum can do it in a way of passing on her wisdom and handing baby back to you or your dh.

You can even roll your eyes, you will not be the bad guy. Take the baby back and go off for cuddles and a feed.

grissini · 20/12/2018 08:58

My in laws do this. On holiday they took my son outside for ages and I had to sit there and wait for them to come back. My son was fractious because it was nap time but they decided they knew better.