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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To dread baby pass the parcel over Xmas

185 replies

Itssosunnyout · 20/12/2018 05:02

Aibu to be slightly anxious about the festive season and baby being passed about all the time having hardly any time in mine or DHs arms.

DH and I combined have a big family and everyone wants their turn to have a cuddle and stimulate baby but how do you manage it when you as a parent end up not getting much time with your baby or having to broach the 'i need my baby back feelings' 'baby is starting to get upset' or they don't understand her cues when she's had enough and just wants space.

Apart from my DP and my mum everyone else rarely see her due to distance or as previously posted due to not being able to leave their pet.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I understand everyone wants a cuddle but DC ends up so stimulated she refuses to sleep or feed. Im EBF and have been told that I need to keep baby close by.

I've only began to start worrying as we visited family last week and having spent 3 hours there I only held baby for 45 minutes and DH only 15 minutes. DC refused to sleep or feed and was so unsettled for the rest of the day.

I end up feeling so bad as others want DC but after a bit of time she starts her 'Ive had enough' or 'i want mummy/daddy cues' but family get offended or upset when i ask to have her back.

OP posts:

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 20/12/2018 09:45

Doesn't really make her easy though. Easy babies just go along with everything. If you had one you would know!

Orlande · 20/12/2018 09:48

Some babies are happy to be passed around and some aren't.

Luckily it was my 3rd baby who didn't like it so I didn't give a shit about pleasing other adults by then and just said no, she doesn't like being passed around.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/12/2018 09:48

Surely it's a spectrum rather than binary

bookmum08 · 20/12/2018 09:53

HerSymphony I didn't mean the OP was doing anything wrong by wanting to always hold her baby, it's just more to say to other folks that when baby isn't being held by mum (because mum needs a wee) she doesn't need to be held by someone else and "is quite happy in her seat so leave her be while I go to the loo". If that makes sense.
(of course some babies do want to be held all the time which is difficult I know)

TheGirlWithGlassFeet · 20/12/2018 09:56

I sometimes say baby needs a feed and take her upstairs for a hour or so for cuddles on the bed. Has the benefit of getting me out of the crowded room too

Birdsgottafly · 20/12/2018 10:19

Bluelady, 12 days old is different than over 14 weeks. At 12 weeks they start to bond with their Caregivers.

I had my GD overnight from three weeks old and helped out a lot because of a medical issue. But once they know who Mum is, they want her. Then they aren't fussed and then they go through the clingy stage again.

People need to respect natural development stages. The instinct to be close is one of survival, for both Mum and Baby.

Also you were visiting them, so there's more of a sense of security. Baby's know their 'den' quite quickly. The OP is talking about the Grandparents, but wider Family.

I hate it when others try to undermine new Mums. They should be listened to and supported. Not have someone try to show that they aren't as important as they think they are.

safetyfreak · 20/12/2018 10:25

This makes me appreciate my daughter in law more than ever. I was offered a cuddle with our 12 day old grandson before I'd even taken my coat off. And he was allowed to sleep happily on Grandpa's chest for 90 minutes. Once I'd have taken that for granted but MN's made me realise how fortunate we are.
†**
Very true. Sounds like you have a great Dil.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 10:36

Yep safetyfreak thank god she didn’t risk being called a “clingy mother”

That would have been awful for her

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/12/2018 10:43

What would you rather happen them all sit stone faced and not take a blind bit of notice of the baby.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 11:00

Oh come on awwlook, it’s not like those are the only two options. It is perfectly possible for everyone to have a cuddle and a cop without overriding the parents’ instincts about when a particular baby has had enough

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 11:00

Haha, *coo

ZigZagZebras · 20/12/2018 11:10

Just let people have a cuddle and when she needs a feed or you want to settle her or have a cuddle with her just say.
If you go about it in a nice way it will be fine, so just say something like "she's loved having cuddles with you hasn't she! I'll just check if she wants a feed she usually has one by now" etc

StinkySaurus · 20/12/2018 11:16

It doesn’t matter if your mum, aunt carol or little timmy liked passing around their baby. All that matters is if you do! Babies do not need to socialise, they just need love from their mum or care givers.

I hated passing my baby around and wished I stuck up for myself more. What I started to do was leave the room to feed and take as long as I wanted. So I would suggest you do this even if you just want a cuddle. Just say baby is easily distracted if people raise eyebrows.

Is your partner on the same page? He could help back you up by saying ‘ I think baby needs mymmy’ When you want him back so you don’t have to say anything if that’s easier.

MRex · 20/12/2018 11:33

I find it useful to keep taking the baby back, or I've trained DH to do that too. Firstly he is much calmer with one of us sitting next to the person holding him, so let your family know it helps if you stay close. As soon as he's getting fretful, or often even before because he's comfy for ages now (9 months), we take him and whizz him in the air so he giggles, hug and jiggle as needed, then he's happy being passed to the next family member. Take back and repeat. When he needs a feed, I just say "oh he needs a feed or he'll scream", or when he's comfy enough to sleep on somebody then obviously they get to keep the baby. Families are all different and ours might just both be very understanding, but generally they all want the baby to be happy, so if you manage the process nicely everyone gets what they want.

Blueblueyellow · 20/12/2018 12:08

Ah Op I know what you mean! Just watch for your baby's ques and that them as soon as you can. Also I'd be prepared for the "oh she's very hungry, would a bottle be easier" type questions. People don't understand, unless they've done it, how much babies Bf in the early months. My baby is pretty easy going but doesn't like people she doesn't know holding her. They learn that sharpish though when she turns her head crying looking for me and promptly hand her back

LLOE7 · 20/12/2018 12:10

I am with you on this OP, my baby is 3 months old on Christmas Eve and I'm dreading Christmas Day with 17 in laws!

mintich · 20/12/2018 12:14

It's not about being a clingy mum. People want to handle your baby all day, interrupt their sleep, feeding, etc. I had someone literally wrestle her out of my arms when I was trying to feed! Then they get handed back when they are all upset it's irritating that people can't listen to the mother say that the baby needs a break from being held.

HoustonBess · 20/12/2018 12:40

Rather than passing her out, get people to sit next to you on a sofa so they can interract, stroke a podgy cheek etc but she stays on your lap. Slings work well too.

I also found disappearing for breastfeeding or long pram walk worked well!

nonevernotever · 20/12/2018 12:43

As a childless but devoted aunt / great aunt I am absolutely horrified by some of the stories on this thread. How can anyone ever think it acceptable to grab someone else's baby and refuse to hand he / she back? Yes I adore cuddling babies (pretty much any baby lol) but I have always always waited to be offered the baby, wouldn't dream of demanding "my turn" and what the parent wants goes. End of. A combination of the sling advice and getting your Mum to back you up seems like the best plan to me.

MrsStrowman · 20/12/2018 12:47

My DS is three weeks old today, I just ask for him back, we don't let anyone else feed him on the advice of our midwife, he was born with quite a severe tongue tie so is mixed feed while I try and get him to breast feed after his snip, so we just say 'there's a bit of a knack' to feeding him and it gives us reason to check in with him regularly. It's only for a few days over Christmas though

BarryTrotter123 · 20/12/2018 14:12

I had someone literally wrestle her out of my arms when I was trying to feed!

@mintich how did you not smack them in the face?! As the mother of a 3 week old the thought of that is horrible. I’m not an aggressive person but that would make me seriously lose my temper. How dare they.

Justaboy · 20/12/2018 14:20

Still up on cloud nine after becoming a GF!, its not surpising everyone wants to see this small bundle of joy that a new born babe brings:)

Somewhere i'm sure you'll work out a comprimise!

CmdrIvanova · 20/12/2018 14:21

I guarantee that if you sniff them and maintain you can smell a poo, they'll hand her back so fast there will be sparks.

Lydiaatthebarre · 20/12/2018 14:47

I've never seen this. There's usually a couple of people who love babies and are dying to hold them (usually the doting grandmothers), a few who are happy to hold the baby for a few minutes but more than happy to hand them back, and a few who are very nervous of small babies and make no effort to take them from their parents.

I've never seen a situation where everyone in the room is dying to hold the baby and is passing him/her around for hours.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 20/12/2018 15:04

I had a family gathering when my son was tiny where I handed him over to his grandmother for a lovely cuddle and he got passed on to someone else m (which I was fine with), but then every time he started crying he was handed back to me to feed/soothe but as soon as he calmed down someone would say “my turn!”. So I felt like a milk/calming machine who just facilitated everyone else’s cuddles rather than a mother whose baby needed her, and I was quite upset but I was a very new mum and exhausted and not yet very confident with my baby. Fortunately H could see the baby and I were getting stressed and he sorted things out diplomatically. Of course I learnt to assert myself quite quickly, but it was quite upsetting

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