Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
Charron · 19/12/2018 14:34

I would be embarrassed to meet up with his friends when you weren’t invited to his party. You are worth much more than this OP and might look back in a few years and realise nothing has changed. Could you look into studying part time for another career or join a hobby group and give yourself more interests and possibly make more friends.

KatharinaRosalie · 19/12/2018 14:36

You are in different places. For you, he is the center of your universe and everything revolves around him. If he wants to see you, you go. You adjust all your plans based on his schedule.
For him, you are an option.

I don't think this will work long term. You will get frustrated and he will think you're needy and suffocating.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 19/12/2018 14:36

He's not serious about you and doesn't see you as long term. Otherwise you would have been the most important person to him at the gathering and he would want to show you off to his friends.

WeirdCatLady · 19/12/2018 14:40

He doesn’t love you and doesn’t value the relationship. You are a bit on the side. He is using you. Get some self respect and tell him you are either a proper couple or he can bugger off and you will find someone who will treat you better.

MRex · 19/12/2018 14:45

If you don't love someone after 6 months then you never will. Time to find someone new.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 14:48

This makes for difficult reading but thanks for being straight with me . I think he must fool
Me by being so loving when we are together . He said he wants to take things really really slowly yes . But o think it’s too slow or even an excuse .

OP posts:
donajimena · 19/12/2018 14:55

You say you have few prospects? Maybe that's something worth working on in the new year? Upgrade yourself. For you! Is there any education you can revisit?

PinaColada1 · 19/12/2018 14:59

No he’s keeping you almost secret by doing this. Six months is the ideal time to meet his friends.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 19/12/2018 15:05

I would personally look for someone on your wavelength. It doesn't sound as though you have a lot in common. 6 months is a long time in my book and I think if by now things aren't progressing then it's time to cut your losses. Relationships aren't meant to make you feel like this x

BookwormMe · 19/12/2018 15:11

I'm probably echoing what PP have said (haven't RTFT) but I think if he saw a long-term future with you - ie, living together, marriage, children - he would be dying for you to meet his friends. Six months is long enough to know whether you want to be with someone. I think, I'm very sorry to say, he sees you as a stop-gap until he meets The One.

caringcarer · 19/12/2018 15:19

He sounds unpleasant and really if relationship is only 6 months old and he is not desperate to see you a lot it can only get worse. I would look for someone who was more interested in me and proud to show me off to family and friends. He is hiding you. You need to be thinking why? Don't be available at the last minute. Tell him you are busy meeting friends.

BerylStreep · 19/12/2018 15:26

Regardless of him, I think you need to do some work on yourself. You need to develop a better network and some interests.

I know it is a bit of a cliche, but I thought the book He's Not That In To You was quite good (well some of it)

DollyWilde · 19/12/2018 15:36

I actually don’t think the lack of invite on and of itself was that big a deal. We have a very tight group of 6 girls and have a traditional Xmas get together every year, have done for yonks. We wouldn’t bring a brand new / barely met the group boyfriend, just because it would change the dynamic so much. We’d tend to do intros on a smaller scale so that by the time the big get together came around we were all really comfortable with each other.

All the above said... my lovely, it really does sound like you two see this relationship differently. He does seem to view this as more casual whereas it seems much more serious for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/12/2018 15:40

Oh OP. Whether this oh-so-slowly-man is the right one for you, you MUST, absolutely must make a life for yourself. Have your own interests and things that you like to do, separate and away from him.

Make some new friends, not bosom buddies, no need for that - just people who you like and who like you enough, to go for coffee, go to the cinema, bowling, swimming, whatever.

If you keep being available to this man, he will KEEP you at arms length. You will keep tying yourself in knots about him, being totally in love with him and he will abuse that because when a person has the one-sided devotion of another, they cannot help themselves but test it. You will be unhappy with that testing.

You're pathetically grateful for the crumbs he throws you because you haven't anything else in your life. You're worthy of so much more. If you carry on the way you are - being so obliging and grateful for every little consideration - you will lose him. Personally, I think that would be no bad thing but it will hurt you and I don't want that. You sound nice. You deserve better.

Be unavailable - genuinely - go and do something for yourself and let him wonder where you are. Don't be in a rush to text or return phone calls. I guarantee you would be a lot more interesting to him than you currently are.

The leaving you out, bearing in mind he knows you have little family/friends, is quite a spiteful thing to do. It was done on purpose and whatever role you think you have in his life, he doesn't think the same and has probably told his friends that it's not serious.

We really ought to have a thread about being a bit more circumspect and unavailable to people who take us for granted - not just boyfriends - anybody who does this. Swapping stories and tips to build our own lives up would be comforting. I wish I'd had this years ago when I prostrated myself at the feet of the most awful man. Urgh.

My granny would have told you (and me, if she'd been alive then) - "Love them enough but not too much". I think she was right.

Finally, I saw this on another thread, from another poster. I don't know what it means exactly but I think it must be empathetic and soothing so... "Howay man, Lass". :)

ambereeree · 19/12/2018 15:43

Don't feel bad OP you're very young and sill find someone else who makes you feel amazing.

storm11111 · 19/12/2018 15:47

Please look up Mathew Hussy and start taking his advice if you are determined to continue with this guy.

Early relationships are all about perceived value, what each person is bringing to the table. This guy your dating he sounds like a 'prize', he's got a full social life and family going on, hes independent and has other positive attributes i'm sure.

You on the other hand probably also have positive attributes hence why this guy is interested, however you're making this guy your number one priority, why should he bother making time in his busy social calendar when you are available to him 24/7? Why should he give you the whole loaf when your ecstatically happy when he gives you a breadcrumb? He's not invested in you.

You need to flip the switch, focus on building up a life independent of him. Be unavailable to him a lot. Unless you can make him perceive you as a 'prize' which therefore needs to be won (put effort into, pleased) you'll continue getting this low investment bullshit until you finally give in and end things.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2018 16:01

I'm sorry but you really need to work on building a social life for yourself that isn't dependent on a partner. While you are lonely, desperate and needy, you are only going to attract men who are basically not very nice, and might even be dangerous. This man sounds... more thoughtless than anything else. He's not particularly bothered about you; you are a 'will do for now' girlfriend. A nicer man might have paid more attention to the fact that you want a committed relationship and let you down gently if that wasn't what he was after. it isn't necessarily wrong to have a casual attitude towards relationships - plenty of people are just not interested in anything more than a shag now and again and someone to hang out with from time to time - but it's a bit unfair to string along someone who you know is dreaming of the two of you building a life together.

ThunderInMyHeart · 19/12/2018 16:25

I second Matthew Hussey - bit cheesy in places, but has a positive consistent message for women.

pomers · 19/12/2018 16:26

You seem very grateful that he is taking you away on Christmas Eve with his family. You also appear to be clutching at straws, desperate to interpret this as a 'sign' that the relationship is progressing. It probably isn't. Listen to the comments on here. You deserve better. Trying to second guess his motives and make excuses for him will only serve to erode your self worth. I think you need to be clear with him through words and actions ( decreased availability) that this situation cannot go on. Then you will most likely have your answer. Pease do this sooner rather than later

SleepySofa · 19/12/2018 16:50

Dump him, OP. Even if you do think you really love him. Because at this stage, if he felt the same way as you, he would be making every effort to see you at every spare minute over Xmas, he’d be inviting you to his family Xmas, he certainly wouldn’t be turning his phone off when you weren’t together. You wouldn’t need to be unavailable or to be less “needy”, because he’d want to be with you as much as you want to see him. That’s what you need. And there’s someone out there for you who will feel like that about you, and you might miss him because you’re with this guy. It’s not necessarily that he’s a dick or evil or anything, just that you’re not the One for him. Find someone for whom you’re the One.

I speak from experience. I was in a relationship very like yours, for about half a year, with someone who just wasn’t that bothered, even though I was mad for him. HE dumped me and I was devastated. We kept in touch “as friends” which meant he basically used me as an FWB, until I gathered up the courage to cut him out of my life altogether. A few months later, I met my DP and it didn’t take long before he showed me, in a million ways, how disengaged the other guy must have been in comparison. Once you’re in a relationship with someone who loves and respects and values you, you’ll realise what a sham this was, and never look back.

Poloshot · 19/12/2018 16:52

Probably with his full time partner at the do

PatriciaHolm · 19/12/2018 16:58

You've posted about this before haven't you, and again got a flood of responses telling you that no, he's not that into you, you aren't particularly important to him, and him throwing you the odd crumb of attention when he can be bothered to see you doesn't mean anything.

How many more people have to say it?

FetchezLaVache · 19/12/2018 17:01

I agree with Pomers - you are desperate for signs that he really IS into you, when in fact it's probably just that he realises you are, quite justifiably IMO, so upset about being excluded from his party that you might cease to be available for him to shag a couple of times a week and has calculated that promising to take you to spend a whole hour with his parents on Christmas Eve and a mini-break in the New Year is the minimum he can get away with to keep you dangling on that hook.

loveyoutothemoon · 19/12/2018 17:10

I'm sorry but it sounds as though you're not a priority, and he thinks you're needy.

It sounds exactly like a relationship that I had. He'd come round at 9pm most nights, and I soon realised why. He dumped me for being too needy. It was only after I was over him that I realised what a crap relationship we had.

If he wanted to be serious with you he'd be desperate to spend time with you, not put you last. He'd be proud to be with you in the presence of others and want to be with you over Christmas, and not just for an hour. He should be wanting this after 6 months, therefore, I think this sounds like he's using you. If he doesn't feel it now, it's unlikely he will and you'll get even more hurt.

ImNotKitten · 19/12/2018 17:20

Another one echoing that staying involved with him is only going to cause you heartbreak. If you decide to try and carry things on with him, be less available to him and make your own life more satisfying and busy. Not for him, for you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread