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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 19/12/2018 11:48

We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

He's treating you like a booty call or side chick. Dump him and find someone that will make you a priority.

JudasPrudy · 19/12/2018 11:50

'It's only been six months, I think you sound a bit needy to be honest'

Is this what men are filling women's heads with now, that they shouldn't expect even a sniff of commitment or respect after 6 months Shock

deydododatdodontdeydo · 19/12/2018 11:51

I think he was probably with his girlfriend at the annual gathering.

Well that escalated quickly.
I don't think that's the most likely option at all, but he clearly isn't as into you as you are into him.
Like a PP said, if you had a fuller social life, your own friends, you probably wouldn't even notice.

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 19/12/2018 11:52

Start by making yourself more unavailable. Even if if means you going to the cinema alone (I do and love it - no one nattering beside me!) but dont be so ready to be there for him. It may be hard but you wont lose anything by stepping back a little. If it means he goes, then he was going to anyway and you were just prolonging the agony.
On the other hand - it may reap the benefit of him appreciating you more when you ARE available, and start respecting you more.

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 19/12/2018 11:56

I would be cautious, I think you deserve a lot more than you're currently getting from him. It seems you're treated as an afterthought which is very unkind.

As an aside, when I met my DH we were in very similar circumstances to you. His family were all middle class, big house, great jobs, me working in a low level job, flat sharing and cutting my own hair as I was skint. They were all lovely and still are. Please don't do yourself down. You don't deserve people instantly disliking you or ignoring you.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

LordPickle · 19/12/2018 11:56

I agree with PP, stop making yourself available. It seems that he isn't that keen. I'm sorry OP. Thanks

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 11:58

I really don’t think he has a girlfriend . He sent me loads of photos of their night and it was painful to see that I am the only girl not o. The photo of eight couples . He was quite confident looking, standing there on his own
In the photo and I have met a few of these friends already, if only in passing!!! They know I exist. I’m sure they were wondering where I was .

OP posts:
oohyoudevilyou · 19/12/2018 12:01

I don't think you're being needy, OP - I think he's being an arse. He clearly fancies you sufficiently to put effort into the time you spend alone together, but has decided that you're not actual girlfriend material. Get rid of him now- you weren't going to see much of him at Christmas anyway. Return or Ebay the present you've bought him and volunteer for some extra shifts to keep you busy.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with working in retail and living in a rented flat, but clearly the difference in your lifestyles is an issue for him.

Mommasoph30 · 19/12/2018 12:01

Actions speak louder than words,. he doesn't value enough

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2018 12:01

Sadly, you see him as a boyfriend. He sees you as a Fwb, always available when he's got nothing better to do option. Ditch. Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2018 12:03

Has there been any discussion between the two of you about how seriously you both view this relationship? If not, then he's probably taking it in a more laid-back manner than you are, which isn't necessarily a sign that he's NOT MONOGAMOUS OH MY GOD, despite what some posters think.

It's a big mistake to invest everything in a relationship, particularly a relatively new one. Work on making a more varied and interesting social life for yourself and then decide whether or not any particular man is worth pursuing.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 12:16

He knows I love him but he hasn’t said those three words yet . He says he is enjoying what we have but doesn’t want to feel pressured . He is bringing me away for a weekend after Christmas though and I will
Meet his family again on Christmas Eve for an hour or so .

OP posts:
peaky297 · 19/12/2018 12:18

I have to agree with the majority of the comments on here I'm afraid. I was in a similar position a few years ago, where I was seeing a guy for a few months and it was all very much on his terms. He never introduced me to friends or family and only wanted to meet up when it suited him. I think I instinctively knew at the time that the relationship wasn't as it should have been, but of course I did not want to see it and it all went on a lot longer than it should have done. Of course, I did eventually see the light and called the whole thing off. Fast forward a few years and I have met a man who is kind, funny and proud to have me on his arm for all to meet! Plus, we are getting married next year!

So I guess the wrap up is, DON'T SETTLE for someone who doesn't give you 100%, because the time you are probably wasting on him could be spent meeting someone really special who wants to integrate you into their life.

abacucat · 19/12/2018 12:31

Invest everything in a new relationship!!! You mean be treated with actual respect and consideration. Yes you have every right to expect this.

slappinthebass · 19/12/2018 12:35

For whatever reason, he's not proud to show you off to his friends. I suspect it is a class thing as you say, probably the professional friends you have met are quite judgemental. I think he's a dick if he values their opinion more than your feelings.

JudasPrudy · 19/12/2018 12:41

'He says he is enjoying what we have but doesn’t want to feel pressured '

They never do. What about what you want? Does that not matter?

abacucat · 19/12/2018 12:42

He wants to keep it as a casual having sex with you, when he has nothing better to do.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 12:43

We don’t always have sex. It’s not about that . Is it not good that he is bringing me away and to his family on Christmas Eve??

OP posts:
Tinuviel · 19/12/2018 12:44

Photo of 8 couples, plus him - who was taking the photo? Just something to think about.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 12:46

One of the couples children

OP posts:
TinyMarie · 19/12/2018 12:51

It doesn't really sound like things are progressing. Being involved in the group would have been a nice next stage sort of thing and I don't think it's a lot to ask after 6 months.
I would be quite hurt and question if I was wasting my time with this relationship.

abacucat · 19/12/2018 12:53

Is it not good that he is bringing me away and to his family on Christmas Eve??
No its not. He is calling the shots about what this relationship is like. A respectful and equal relationship is not like that.

Amaaboutthis · 19/12/2018 12:53

See I don’t think that the party thing is a big deal. If it’s a Christmas thing and they don’t see a lot of each other he probably just wanted to chill out with his friends and not have to look after you and worry that you weren’t happy / comfortable etc especially as they were staying over. Having said that I think you are more serious than he is about the relationship but he doesn’t sound horrible, just cautious

ScrambledSmegs · 19/12/2018 13:05

Oh [sad}. He thinks you're good enough to while away a little free time with, but that's all. He's using you.

I'm so sorry.

StroppyWoman · 19/12/2018 13:09

First thought - he's got another girlfriend/partner/wife

Second thought - if he doesn't, he's really not that interested in you.

Protect yourself. You're worth more than this.

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