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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 19/12/2018 17:25

How many people need to tell you he’s not into you? Walk away.

BusyMum47 · 19/12/2018 18:22

He's a user, honey - & possibly even either married or in another relationship which he puts before yours. Get rid now before it hurts too much. X

Propertywoe · 19/12/2018 19:13

I have been the person on both sides, fell for someone who wanted something very casual and I have been the person happy with a causal relationship when the other person wanted more. Both relationships ended badly with the person wanting more being badly hurt.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2018 19:15

It does sound like your a girlfriend of convenience when he wants to see someone, not a girlfriend that he loves and respects, I would do yourself a favour and sack him off. He does not sound like he is into you.

MerryMax · 19/12/2018 19:20

Noooooo....love is lusty and giddy and stupid. Love is not tepid and does not involve the shutting off of phones! He Gods woman, don't start here. 10 years and 4 kids later and we aren't that tepid. LISTEN when people tell you who they are. He's telling you. Sorry. Upward and onward to 2019.

Susiesoop · 19/12/2018 19:39

Read the book 'Attached', sounds like he's 'avoidant' (not introducing friends/arms length/limited plans)...there"d be nothing wrong in this relationship if you were both happy with the level of commitment, but clearly you'd love more, and frankly after 6 months that's reasonable. What about what you would like? Your desires are as important as his...

ferntwist · 19/12/2018 22:13

You sound lovely OP and you definitely deserve more than this. He’s using you at his convenience rather than involving you in his life

ferntwist · 19/12/2018 22:14

The book The Rules has lots of amazing advice. It will change your whole way of looking at relationships

ForalltheSaints · 19/12/2018 22:17

It will cause you heartbreak OP but best to end the relationship now.

Leeds2 · 19/12/2018 22:41

I think, OP, I would get rid. You deserve someone better.

SandAndSea · 20/12/2018 01:16

I would (and actually did) end it because you deserve to be with someone who absolutely loves and adores you.

It will hurt like hell and you will get over it.

Life is short and you will never get this time back. Think of yourself at 70 looking back - what story do you want to be telling yourself? You don't want to be looking back and wishing you hadn't wasted so much time with someone who didn't appreciate you. You want to be looking back and feeling proud of yourself - you realised what was happening and took your power back!

I think it's very telling that you're hardly seeing him over Christmas and NY. It sounds like, dumping him now will make very little difference to your social calendar over the next couple of weeks. I think it could make a lot of difference to your self esteem though. Maybe you could use this time to work on your goals for next year? You could do a course or start a new hobby? Start planning your future now!

Good luck with it! Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 20/12/2018 07:56

Ooh, FFS, don't go near The Rules. Toxic misogynistic shit. The only sort of man you will 'win' with that nonsense (treat your foof as a prize he has to win, hide your feelings, use sex as currency) is a man who hates women.
Do remember that there is so much more to life than a couple-relationship. A relationship with a man should be a nice extra to a life that's already full and happy.

trojanpony · 20/12/2018 08:23

The book The Rules has lots of amazing advice

Hmm does it though? Or does it peddle the notion women are a commodity?

Gems include
“take care of yourself! Be feminine. Smell Good.”
“End call first after 15 minutes ALWAYS.“
“The person who talks the most has the most to lose.“
“Feelings are heavy and nobody wants those so shut up and suck it up.”
And my fave
“Don’t talk about the future. EVER. The future ball is in his court to bring up.”

I think a lot of women who are in healthy relationships would not be if they followed “the rules”. I know my DP would have been Confused if I; hung up at the 15 minute point in conversations, never discussed the future, always used fewer words than him. Insisted on acting like a mysterious animal and perpetually tried to elude him while coyly peaking out at him around corners on our dates Confused ConfusedConfused

Tellem2 · 20/12/2018 08:39

Guys will make time for YOU NO MATTER HOW BUSY THEY Are. Always.

ChasedByBees · 20/12/2018 09:15

It’s sad to hear the way you write about yourself. You do have prospects - you're young, have a job and provide for yourself. I don’t know where you are based, but you can create a more active life for yourself if you want. Broadening your friendships groups would be good - what do you enjoy doing?

It sounds a bit like you’re more invested in this relationship than he is. I would have been hurt by the party too.

KatharinaRosalie · 20/12/2018 09:58

The Rules teaches you to play games to 'get' the guy. What happens when you have successfully 'gotten' him because he was looking for a woman you pretended to be? Either you have to keep it up for ever, or he will not stay for the real one.

If you find someone who is into you as much as you are into him, it's a totally different kettle of fish. They will want to be with you just as much as you want to be with them. They will actively look for ways how to include you in their plans, and make you a priority, not an afterthought, good enough for a quick shag between their actual plans.

MyOtherProfile · 20/12/2018 10:04

I would see how things go on Christmas eve. Why 're you only meeting his family for an hour? Is he going on somewhere else with you after?

explodingkitten · 20/12/2018 10:06

He's just not that into you. Move on and find someone who values you.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 10:11

Thank you all. I have read all responses and the overwhelming advice is to bin him off . I’m really sad as I thought it might develop but I see he lacks integrity. Plenty of words but little action . Very very sad but happy Christmas to you all and thanks

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/12/2018 10:15

Honestly it is sad but you will feel better when you are free from wondering when he will next graciously bestow an evening upon you.

His loss. Flowers

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 10:45

Sorry... an hour on Christmas Eve as he is busy

OP posts:
loubluee · 20/12/2018 12:50

OP I’ve been with my dp for 8 months too! We also live about 40 minutes away from each other. I stay at his once a week and he at mine once or twice a week.
We’ve been on 3 holidays and have 3 more planned. I’ve been out for lots of meals with all of his family, for birthdays, christenings, leaving parties etc. I’ve stayed at his brothers home with his wife and his sisters and her husband. I’ve been invited to friends birthdays, and if we go out we go to
his local pub where his friends are. He is spending Christmas Eve with me and my children. My children are going to their dads at lunchtime Christmas Day, I am then spending Christmas with him and his family (I’m also cooking! Lol).

Our relationship isn’t perfect, far from it. But we seem to have more of a ‘telationship’ than you do, going by what you have said. I’ll be honest dp was unsure about a full relationship when we got together, and I said that’s fine we can both carry on seeing other people as well. He said he couldn’t handle that, so I said it’s all or nothing. As it is ‘all’ has really worked out for us.
We can all say on here what we think, but it’s what you think and believe deep down that matters. Do you love him enough to want to make this work? And does he love you enough that he wants you part of his life?

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 20/12/2018 13:45

HE wants me to be part of his life on his terms . I feel like a mug. Grateful and pathetic . I think he has been using me even though he does like me but just not enough to commit to me as a boyfriend of eight months . I actually believe that he thinks he is doing me a favour and being a great boyfriend because I have lapped up these bits and pieces of kindness that he throws at me when he is free . I won’t see him until Monday for that hour and then the Friday after that to meet him for a drink and collect him from a night out with friends .. that I ‘ can go to if I want to..’

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 20/12/2018 14:00

He’s taking the golden piss out of you Lady, he’s not a nice guy, I mean seriously, gifting you an ‘hour’ of his time Christmas Eve Hmm he’s a DICK, and you know he’s using you.

Italiangreyhound · 20/12/2018 14:36

You deserve better than this man. You need to build up your own friends and support and find a guy who will treasure and cherish you.

Sorry to say this but based on your opening post he is using you and you need to let him loose, he is not kind, not nice and not good for you.

Are you alone at Christmas or is he going to see you?