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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
Minniemountain · 22/12/2018 08:02

Well done. You deserve so much better.

MaggieMcGill · 22/12/2018 08:16

You have done the right thing! Well done. It may be the last thing on your mind right now but have a look at the Open University open learn free courses. There are hundreds of them. All free to do online. See if there are any that interest you and who knows, you may even find yourself getting to degree level! Focus on yourself for now. If you were near me, I'd love to invite you for Christmas. Take care 😘

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2018 08:28

He’s made it clear how you fit into his life, if you’re not happy with that, then move on.

Isitmybathtimeyet · 22/12/2018 08:37

You know when you read someone writing stuff that you can feel yourself from your own experience? It's a bit more than empathy as it's so familiar!

I had an utter car crash of a 'relationship' for half my twenties that was like this. I was like you too, not much family or self confidence. I cannot tell you how many times I ignored people telling me to end it 'because I though he really did love me'. He didn't. Every time I tried to pull away he would reel me back in and so the blocking is essential.

When I got together with DH, and it wasn't immediate, probably a couple of years later, the difference was night and day. It's really worth going through the break up pain because it will save you so much other pain later on. You need to be free to new happiness or you'll just be shackled to misery.

I widened my friend circle through work, online discussion forums, an evening class in wine tasting... Now I would also go to the gym a lot although I wasn't in the habit then!

Isitmybathtimeyet · 22/12/2018 08:39

I meant to say in big letters WELL DONE. You've listened where I didn't and you will end up so much happier than you are now, even single. His kind of behaviour eats away at you.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 22/12/2018 08:39

Oh OP you did the right thing. I know it feels shit though. Definitely set yourself some sort of goal in the new year - a PP has suggested Open Learn courses, which are excellent. Or it could be fitness, or learning a new craft. Whatever it is, a goal is good Smile

I'm much older than you (and should lnow better) and am just going to end a similar (but longer) relationship as I'm fed up that I only get crumbs and am held very firmly at arm's length. It will hurt because I love him, but I'm worth more and so are you. Have a hand hold and an unMNetty hug. And have a happy Christmas

JKCR2017 · 22/12/2018 08:41

Sounds like he’s not really committed. If he was really into you, he’d want you to meet his friends and family and spend time with you.

I had an ex like this. Luckily long over and I am now with somebody who is proud to call
me his!

It’s not worth being with somebody that doesn’t think of you, the way you do him!

MrsGg8 · 22/12/2018 09:22

Just reading your thread - sounds like you 100% definitely did the right thing! Good luck to you as you deserve better Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2018 09:25

If he does turn up at your door on Christmas Eve, just tell him how you feel, that you feel that you are a girlfriend of convenience, he is not taking you seriously and does not love or respect you, which is not working for you, sorry, then shut the door in his face.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 22/12/2018 10:19

Well done. You deserve better!!

SlowDown76mph · 22/12/2018 10:28

Well done. You did what had to be done. You are strong and mighty. 2019 will be your year; growth, discovery, and adventures.

OldGrinch · 22/12/2018 10:33

Well done you have been so strong and brave. The fact that you were forced to end it by text because he can't be bothered to take your calls says it all. You will feel sad for a while but eventually you will feel so much better. I posted up thread about how I had been involved in a similar "relationship" when I was your age and managed to end it and build a better life for myself. A few months afterwards I had my tarot cards read and the lady said that that was "the last relationship based on fear". When I thought about it properly I realized that she was right. These types of relationships are based on fear. Fear of being alone, of not fitting in and not having the things that other people have, fear of the future, fear of being able to show the world who you really are. You have broken that cycle by doing this brave thing and your next relationship will not be based on fear and will be so much better Flowers

MRex · 22/12/2018 10:40

@Leftbehind40 - you've done really well. So many people don't listen and waste their time with people who simply don't care for them. It's worth remembering when you really want a relationship that you only need to find one person. Just one. That's not so many as to be impossible, it's just that you want him to be the right one for you; someone who loves you and who you love too. Get out there next year and meet as many people as you can, male and female, to broaden the odds that he'll cross your path. Have a lovely peaceful Christmas, catch up on films and TV series, have a clear-out and contact everyone you know to ask about new year plans so that you have something organised. There's always somebody at a loose end to plan with, or who's having a small gathering they can extend to include you in.

Pandaponda · 22/12/2018 11:04

I love this thread. Mumsnet at its supportive best. OP as everyone else has said you done good. Stick with it even when you are lonely and questioning whether you made the right choice. Even if he makes loads of effort to reel you back in. Because this is about getting clear on your worth and how you expect to be treated by your now ex and by everyone who comes after him. As everyone else has said it’s time to invest in you. I think there are these things called meet-ups which you can join. Very best of luck and you have a lot of support on mumsnet if the going gets tough Xxx

Yutes · 22/12/2018 12:30

I’d be very surprised if he does put any effort in to get the OP back. Guys like that are too busy playing the victim.

Hope you’re doing ok OP. Even though you did the dumping, jt still hurts.

TemptressofWaikiki · 22/12/2018 15:49

Well done from me too! Now you can invest in yourself. Now try to find some like-minded people, try to be part of new friendship groups and build up a new circle of people that you can start hanging out with. Even with little money, there might be some local groups, hobbies or events that you could be part of. This way if you meet someone else, you are not totally reliant on them for company and can boost your confidence. You took a big step towards a better future.

StroppyWoman · 22/12/2018 16:37

Hope you've had some rest and can do something nice for yourself this evening. I think you've been very strong and brave to assess his behaviour and end it now.
Here's to a better 2019

JohnCRaven · 22/12/2018 17:09

Well done OP. I know you won't have a 'happy' Christmas but perhaps you can have a happier one knowing you put yourself first like you deserve Flowers

mycatistoo · 22/12/2018 17:14

Good for you! I had relationships like this. The bright side is you appreciate a good one when they turn up!

Submariner · 22/12/2018 17:58

Well done OP! Return his presents and buy yourself something nice. 2019 is all about you.Wine

MaggieMcGill · 23/12/2018 11:37

How are you today OP?

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 23/12/2018 11:48

Ok I guess. Haven’t heard anything from him whatsoever . I can’t imagine he will
Turn
Up at my door step
So I have my answer don’t I?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/12/2018 12:03

Yes you do, onwards and upwards op now! Just shows how little he thought of you.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2018 12:40

Remember, you did this because he didn't treat you well. Not to get a rise out of him.

Yulebealrite · 23/12/2018 12:46

Let yourself wallow for a bit and know that you will feel better soon

Stick with it even when you are lonely and questioning whether you made the right choice. Even if he makes loads of effort to reel you back in. Because this is about getting clear on your worth and how you expect to be treated by your now ex and by everyone who comes after him.
So very true.

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