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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be left out of a boyfriends Christmas event

343 replies

Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Just that! Boyfriend of six months .. see him once or twice a week as we live half hour away from eachother. Stay over now and again. See him when suits him really as he has busy life but me, not so much. Anyway , he had big gathering of friends .. an annual tradition , at the weekend . All friends and their girlfriends there.. but not me ! I thought it may be a good occasion for me to be introduced to them and get to know them but alas, I was home alone . He said it because it was an hour away and they were staying
Overnight ... but I could have driven separately and would have loved to have gone to meet them. I am beginning to think I am
Not a priority. I was at home alone again over the weekend with nothing to do or nobody to meet while he was with his family, literally ten minutes down the road. He needs a lot of space clearly . We did spend a nice evening late last week( last minute atrangementby him) and he stayed overnight but left straight after breakfast. AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 13:16

So you think that despite him bringing me away and to his family on Christmas Eve, he still isn’t serious?? I am so excited about it all and thought that it was a great sign of commitment ! The friends thing has upset me though. I did rather worry ina case I wasn’t good enough in his eyes , you are all right though.. he calls the arrangements and when it suits him . What should I say to him to seem less demanding

OP posts:
abacucat · 19/12/2018 13:22

Why do you want to be less demanding?

KatharinaRosalie · 19/12/2018 13:24

So you're spending Christmas with him? Or is it just the hour on Xmas eve?

Therealjudgejudy · 19/12/2018 13:25

Your view of this relationship and his view are totally different. He doesn't sound that into you tbh

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 13:27

Just the hour on Christmas Eve . I’ll
See him again for a night out where I’ll join him
And his friends if I’d like to he says . His family and friends are all home for Christmas so he has continuos plans . We will go away together for a couple of days after new year when it all gets less busy but I’m
Sore I will see him here and there

OP posts:
Justlikedevon · 19/12/2018 13:27

If I were having a big get together with my mates, i wouldn't invite a newish partner. I would want to have a laugh with my mates, not keep an eye on someone else to make sure they were having a good time.

Shoxfordian · 19/12/2018 13:27

He doesn't seem that interested really
Don't waste your time

DistanceCall · 19/12/2018 13:28

OP, I'm very sorry, but it sounds like you are much more interested in him than he is in you. You acknowledge that "he calls the arrangements and when it suits him" - and then ask what you should say to him to seem less demanding!

You don't have to be less anything. He's not as keen in you as you would like him to be. Don't humiliate yourself trying to "lure" him.

abacucat · 19/12/2018 13:29

I would think it was very strange if a friend did not invite their partner to a partner, where other partners were there. A night out with just friends without partners is totally different.

But anyway the main point is that you are not happy in this relationship. What you want matters.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 13:30

Well he is aware that I have no real plans due to my family and friend situation so I feel that I’m
Being very demanding by asking all the time when and where can we meet . I am free and have nothing planned really but I don’t want to be too needy or demanding on his time as I feel it irritates him. He has started to turn his phone off some evenings when we are. It together and I think it might be because I would be quite happy to be in contact with him
All evening even when he is busy and doing other things

OP posts:
JohnCRaven · 19/12/2018 13:31

So you'll be on your own for Christmas Day and he hasn't invited you to spend it with him and his family?

justonemoreminutepls · 19/12/2018 13:32

it sort of sounds like you just wanted to be told this was normal and totally ok, and that of course you should continue the relationship... as your comments you keep justifying and mentioning more time upcoming that you will be spending together.

i am sorry you haven't got the answers you are looking for.
it's hard to here, you love him, you're invested but ...

he's just not that into you
whether it's because he has another partner, or whatever, he's just not that interested.

sorry my love, but respect yourself, raise your standards, and move on.

justonemoreminutepls · 19/12/2018 13:32

hard to hear*

user1467718508 · 19/12/2018 13:34

It's definitely hurtful. Flowers

I personally however don't think he's a total bastard - he just views your relationship as something more casual/is happy for things to progress super-slowly.

But! if you feel your expectations of each other are imbalanced and it's bringing you down, I'd say it's probably best to either call it a day (without any drama or ultimatums, just say that you seem to want different things - I expect he'll be v.surprised), or like a PP said, make yourself less available and see how you feel when you're not waiting on him and saying yes to every invite he proffers.

Being busy and having your own things going on can only be a positive, irregardless of what happens with the BF.

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 13:35

I suppose that I know deep down it isn’t mutual and the friends meeting proved this . His friends girlfriends of a relatively short time were there and I was not . Yes I will meet my sister for Christmas dinner and then home alone to my flat . He knows this . Then , he asks me over for Christmas Eve for a while and invited me away so I think.. aw yes, he is interested so maybe I am trying to hold onto hope that it will
Develop.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 19/12/2018 13:35

I think there's two things here.

Yes, you do sound clingy, because you have no other things to do and you're focusing on him to a degree that might feel suffocating.

And he doesn't sound really that interested in you.

Not a good combination. Don't chase after him, and start focusing more on the rest of your life. You deserve a much better relationship.

Jaguar2017 · 19/12/2018 13:42

It sounds like he only wants to see you when he wants a quick shag. You don't mean anything to him by the sounds of it. Ditch him now before he messes you about any more. He sounds like an awful git.

Bobbybear10 · 19/12/2018 13:46

While you spend your time and energy investing in this relationship that quite honestly will not develop, you are missing out on finding a new better relationship!

Think of it this way, for whatever reason this man isn’t that into you. It might be because he has issues, maybe he just doesn’t think of you that way, maybe he likes someone else and you’re on the back burner, maybe you’re just convenient until someone else comes along......but while you’re playing to his tune and thinking about how to be more passive and less needy to make him like you more that perfect man for you has walked passed without you even noticing because you are too busy making someone else’s life comfortable at the detriment to your your own.

I think spending sometime working on your self esteem away from any relationship would be a good move.
Let this bloke go, he isn’t worth your time! You need to start valuing yourself more. Once you start thinking you are worthy others will start to think the same way too.

trojanpony · 19/12/2018 13:51

Kindly, Don’t hold onto hope...
Channel your inner elisa and just let it go.

Agree with everything bobbybear has written you are investing energy in the wrong places

Notonthestairs · 19/12/2018 13:53

I can't tell whether he is in to you or not. What I think I have picked up is that you seem alone and a bit lonely. I imagine working in retail at this time of the year probably does mean you don't get a lot of time/energy for much else.

But I think you might need to have a think about how you want the next year to be. Regardless of how the next month goes with your boyfriend I think you need to have a think about what you can do to develop more relationships. I'm not talking about hundreds of new acquaintances but whether there are people already in your life that you can get to know better - is there somebody at work you could invite to the cinema/coffee? Are there any special interests you have which you could spend time on? I'm not taking wholescale changes - just added nice stuff that's just for you.

You sound lovely and you've clearly built a nice life for yourself. Take confidence in what you have already achieved.

Honeyroar · 19/12/2018 14:03

You're not needy or expecting too much, most people would invite a girlfriend of six months to a gathering of friends and their partners at Xmas. You know that deep down. But every subsequent post you write makes excuses for him and says "he must like me, right, if he's seeing me Xmas eve". He hasn't made much effort for you so far and is quite happy to fit you in where it suits him. Some people would be happy to drift along very casually. I'd feel like you do. A bit "what's the point in this?"

RyderWhiteSwan · 19/12/2018 14:09

It's odd of him to turn his phone off some evenings he's not with you Hmm

Original poster
Leftbehind40 · 19/12/2018 14:12

I know I’m being pathetic but I’m
So in love with him. Yes I think he turns his phone off so I won’t be messaging him . I think I might be a bit too full on

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 19/12/2018 14:29

I know I’m being pathetic but I’m so in love with him.

I mean this kindly, OP, because I think most of us have been there.

You may be very much in love with him, but it doesn't sound as if he is with you.

Love is reciprocal. It's mutual. If he doesn't love you back in the same way, what you're in love with isn't real. It's just a fantasy. The real man is not in love with you.

Don't do this to yourself.

EhlanaOfElenia · 19/12/2018 14:31

Please, please, please get some of your self respect back. Even if you do get more serious, this man will always treat you terribly. He is too selfish and self-centred. He is not good partner material.