I have Aspergers and I am about to fail my probation at work for 'not being a team player'

[hopelessme]

I'm heartbroken really.

I've been in my new job 6 months now and my 3 month probation report went well and I was told there were no problems etc. My 6 month review comes and my manager told me that my 'conduct is unacceptable'.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work, not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one, not contributing to conversations, taking the last of the milk and not replacing it among other things. She said that she needed staff to be team players as the team is a close and friendly team who help each other out and they find me very frustrating. She said that I was inconsiderate of others and was not committed to the growth of the team. The general idea of the conversation is that I'm self cantered and not a team player.

I've been told I need to work on my contribution to the team and I shall be reviewed in 4 weeks time. She knows I have Aspergers syndrome and I was diagnosed just 12 months ago after waiting years to be diagnosed. I am female and come across initially articulate and confident so people don't realise I have Aspergers and it is very common for me to be wrongly thought of as arrogant and selfish.

Obviously legally I could take this further but I don't want to and that's my decision.

However I am so sad. All I wanted was to have a job I enjoyed and was successful at and I tried so hard to be the best worker I could be and still failed miserably.

Although the male members of staff have been much more understanding of me and I have found them a sense of support and shall stay in contact.

I have done quite a bit of work around how to behave at work but in reality social norms and especially unwritten office rules are incredibly hard for me to master and it is always going to be something I struggle with. I shall learn from this experience and see where I could work on understanding office culture better.

AIBU to feel that while my actions may have seemed inconsiderate or selfish, a bit of understanding that this is a symptom of an employee with Aspergers should be expected? Surely if you're actively going to employ someone with Aspergers you know that symptoms they have. Or is my manager reasonable as whatever the cause of my actions, the action is still undesirable.

Whatever happens now I do think it's sad she has presumed me to be inconsiderate and selfish when I'm not at all.

Aww that’s horrible?

You need to get HR involved and point out that this is disability discrimination. Why wouldn't you? I’ve never been “out” as aspie at work but i think I would in this situation.

I dont know how I managed a question mark after “horrible”. I meant to put “”.

I’m going quite mad

I just don't want to. I don't have the mental strength to at the moment. I know it might make no sense but it's what I want for now.

I feel for you.

You need to talk to someone else about this. I would approach HR for a chat about the situation.

I think you need to stand up for yourself. Tell your boss you appreciate feedback, but do to your Aspergers, you truly were unaware that your "behaviour" was upsetting members of your team. It's reviews like this that will help you learn and grow. Tell them you would appreciate the chance to remedy any issues. You have a medical diagnosis and they cannot discriminate against you especially if your work is up to standard. You have NOT failed. Your boss is being completely unreasonable.

It does sound like disability discrimination. Are you a member of a union? Even if not I would contact ACAS. It sounds like your manage and HR have payed lip service to ASD in employment but have done no research into how it actually appears. It also seems that adult female aspies have really thrown them, if they'd done any research it wouldn't have done so.

The thing is, none of these complaints she has (drink making, chatting) are germane to your actual work performance. So, on the face of it, you’re being picked on for irrelevancies. It’s shocking and you are NOT at fault here.

How would you feel about getting some advice privately and then sleeping on it for a bit?

It also seems that adult female aspies have really thrown them, if they'd done any research it wouldn't have done so.

So true and so common.

Have they extended your probation by the 4 weeks? You may have that time to work things out?
Yes they absolutely should make adjustments and support you if they know you have a disability. Can I ask if the team is also aware (not that they should need to be but it may make it easier for you if they are)? Sometimes it takes a bit of time to get used to and accept someone in a close-knit team. I'm not saying this should be the case, they should take you as you are and only concern themselves with you how you do your job.
I get from your OP that you want to continue working there, and you don't want to start making a case for adjustments/discrimination, which you absolutely could do. In that case, if you are comfortable with this, it may be worth trying to explain your difficulties to the team and ask for their help and support. If they are OK people you may find things improve when they understand what's behind it.

But whether you have said anything or not understanding and support should be expected, and you shouldn't feel you have done anything wrong. I'm sure the right job is out there for you, even if it isn't this one.

You may not want to take it further legally but you are still entitled to reasonable adjustments. I would tell her that some things around office etiquette you need more support on because of your disability. It might make her stop and think. She has given you some fairly specific feedback, I would ask to discuss it sooner, say that it surprised you. Highlight some things which you should be able to to do more easily now you know the rules such as getting more milk - check what the routine is for that, do you pop out during work time for example. Other things such as contributing to a conversation are hard to pin down and she may need to accept small steps towards that goal. She should give you support as a reasonable adjustment to your disability. She may not fully understand ASD and it may confuse her if she hasn't known a woman with ASD.

I think you need to remind your boss that you have Aspergers and how difficult it is for you. Basically set out to her what you’ve said here.

To be honest, as a manager I look for quality of work and not whether someone has made the tea for other people. If she has no issue with your quality of work I would involve HR.

I hope this works out for the best

If your 3 month probation review was fine and this is only now being raised, I would assume these are not genuine concerns and are being used as an excuse to let you go. I am NT but had similar concerns raised out of blue at a probation review and successfully challenged them as they should have been raised earlier. I understand you don't want to do that but it might help to realise you may, actually, have done nothing wrong.

And no, you are not BU to expect compromise to be reached on areas where your Aspergers affects work.

My ex-H has Aspergers and works in a very accommodating company. I also know of a couple of charities that help find jobs in autism friendly companies. I am happy to send you details if you PM me.

You sound resolved that you are going to fail your probation but that isn't a given.

I do understand that you feel broken by it and don't have the energy to deal with it. Although I do agree that you need to speak to HR.

You say you've done a lot of work on social expectations. What sort of thing did you do? I don't know very much about aspergers but do you have prompts you could use to remind yourself to do things eg if you get yourself a tea/biscuit/something from the shop always ask if anyone else wants something?

Has your manager given you a specific improvement plan? It needs to be very clear on what they need you to do and how if will be measured. Saying "be a good team player" isn't helpful, it needs to be more specific: what does a "good team player" look like? Once you have that you might be able to take clues from that.

What do your friendly colleagues say? Do they have any suggestions?

Difficult.
She's not wrong your behaviour is inconsiderate and selfish. Although there is an explanation, that's still the behaviour. I totally see how devastating this is, however, it does sound like not being a team player, in terms of work, means that you don't do the job as required. Would you say that is true? If so, in a sense, if the consequence is that you don't do the job properly (pitching in when a colleague needs something done) then she's not wrong to ask you to work on this. You do get a second chance.

I'm confused as to why Asperger's means that you don't realise you should replace the milk if you finish it, surely that's not a social thing, but a practical thing. However, it sounds like a very minor point.

I suggest a chat with HR from a what have you got to lose point of view.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work - ok but why couldnt the other person just ask you for help? I wouldnt go out of my way unless it was very obvious they needed me.

not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one - this shouldnt be an issue, everyone can a drink for themselves

not contributing to conversations - did you have anything to contribute? Perhaps as a lesson learned you can try to make more contribution over the 4 weeks?

What evidence is there you are not committed? Sorry i dont really know anything about Aspergers so not much help? Could you have a mental checklist or reminder on your pho e throughout tbe day as a prompt to ask if anyone needs anytning?

I hope it gets better for you. Certainly think youd manager should have spoke to you about symptoms and set expectation at the start rather than this waiting for 6 months 💐

I think that's awful. She obviously has a complete lack of understanding of Asperger's.

Don't feel that you have failed. She hasn't criticized your work at all. You are obviously doing your job really well. You've said that you get on well with your male colleagues and have found them understanding so that's another plus point.

I'm pretty sure that I have Asperger's and have been referred for assessment, but it's a 12 month plus waiting list in my area. I totally get what you mean about the difficulty in picking up unwritten rules. I find that if somebody tells me something, then it seems very obvious with hindsight (and I remember for the future), but I would be oblivious otherwise.

Please don't let yourself be forced out of a job that you were enjoying. I know that you don't want to take things down a legal route, but the examples cited seem so petty. Try and muster up the strength to talk to somebody in HR. Mention the disability discrimination act if you need to. Tell somebody in HR that your manager needs urgent training in understanding autism.

She is being very foolish. She is risking missing out on a decent employee who can actually do the job because of extraneous issues that can easily be sorted.
But you might need to help her out a bit here because she is evidently clueless and can't tell the difference between insuperable personality flaws and little failures to pick up on office etiquette that can be remedied in an instant with better communication.
Sleep on it, op, and good luck xxx

Gosh, I don't have a aspergers, but I do most of the things you do! I make drinks for myself without offering, I zone out of conversations etc because the office is too noisy and chaotic. I usually have a heavier workload. I would offer to help others, so perhaps that is something you could work on.
You sound hardworking and lovely - it's unfair - I hope that you can turn this around if you want to stay there.

Wtf? Did the not making tea comment get put in writing? That is absolutely ridiculous!

Agree with pp those examples have nothing to do with job performance. She hasn't a leg to stand on.

What did get put in writing?

Although during probation they can basically sack anyone for any reason, from a business perspective it is insane to do so, especially when that person is performing their actual duties well.

I would take the view that you deserve better than a workplace where making tea is prioritised above actual work, ... but then I would fall victim to the "not a team player" accusations as well since I also make tea only for myself

She's not wrong your behaviour is inconsiderate and selfish.

No it’s NOT. Those are descriptors of motivation.

They definitely should be showing some understanding, but at the same time, you also have to show that you're trying not to display behaviours that are considered undesirable as you say.

It sounds like they want to give you the chance, so listen to what was said, make the effort to offer help if there's an opportunity, like buy some milk and make the occasional drink.

I really hope it goes well for you ove the next four weeks.

Excuse typos x

Right or wrong you have 4 weeks and you like this job so perhaps try and adapt stuff to help you.

I'd have a quick discussion with team and remind them that if they need your help then please be direct and ask as you won't recognise if they are overwhelmed.

Could you suggest a milk rota or something to stop milk issue.

Write yourself a reminder that when you make yourself a drink, always ask everyone else.

It's hard. Iv struggled with social cues in the past.

The fact that your manager is only picking at peripheral things rather than the actual quality of work is telling - smells of constructive dismissal. You say you have no reason to suspect that your colleagues were upset with is another. You cannot rule out people bitching behind your back but the concept of 'so upset they didn't tell me about it so I could sort it out' makes no sense at all. This is from one fellow Aspie to another btw.

I would go on your best behaviour but at the same time check out employment law and seek legal advice. Speak softly and carry a big stick.