I have Aspergers and I am about to fail my probation at work for 'not being a team player'

[hopelessme]

I'm heartbroken really.

I've been in my new job 6 months now and my 3 month probation report went well and I was told there were no problems etc. My 6 month review comes and my manager told me that my 'conduct is unacceptable'.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work, not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one, not contributing to conversations, taking the last of the milk and not replacing it among other things. She said that she needed staff to be team players as the team is a close and friendly team who help each other out and they find me very frustrating. She said that I was inconsiderate of others and was not committed to the growth of the team. The general idea of the conversation is that I'm self cantered and not a team player.

I've been told I need to work on my contribution to the team and I shall be reviewed in 4 weeks time. She knows I have Aspergers syndrome and I was diagnosed just 12 months ago after waiting years to be diagnosed. I am female and come across initially articulate and confident so people don't realise I have Aspergers and it is very common for me to be wrongly thought of as arrogant and selfish.

Obviously legally I could take this further but I don't want to and that's my decision.

However I am so sad. All I wanted was to have a job I enjoyed and was successful at and I tried so hard to be the best worker I could be and still failed miserably.

Although the male members of staff have been much more understanding of me and I have found them a sense of support and shall stay in contact.

I have done quite a bit of work around how to behave at work but in reality social norms and especially unwritten office rules are incredibly hard for me to master and it is always going to be something I struggle with. I shall learn from this experience and see where I could work on understanding office culture better.

AIBU to feel that while my actions may have seemed inconsiderate or selfish, a bit of understanding that this is a symptom of an employee with Aspergers should be expected? Surely if you're actively going to employ someone with Aspergers you know that symptoms they have. Or is my manager reasonable as whatever the cause of my actions, the action is still undesirable.

Whatever happens now I do think it's sad she has presumed me to be inconsiderate and selfish when I'm not at all.

What you said above about the reasons for you not passing your probation have nothing to do with you performance in role.

Please a) email HR in your previous company so they are aware and b) fill out some info on Glassdoor.

I sincerely hope your new employer is better.

It's disability discrimination and sounds like they have made no adjustments for you. It's the type of thing that worried me about my boys moving into the workplace and dealing with as they both have ASD but then all the examples you gave I expect a man in your role wouldn't have even been picked up on! (This is sarcasm because I know men are not picked up on stuff like that) so you can add sex discrimination and also a lot of the example you gave are absolutely nothing to do with you executing your job role and what I like to call "filler" complaints as in they don't want to make adjustments because they see your condition as an nuisance but when they tried to find some reasons not to give you a glowing report they found only a couple of niggles not enough so they start picking round the edges.
I personally would advise you stick with this job as it is only people standing up which changes things but equally I understand how for you this is too hard to fight. Start job hunting there are some great employers out there you just have to find them. Making tea doesn't make you a team player (I never make tea for anyone else takes too much time and my job is very busy and I cost money, I am not paid to make tea or coffee)

@thistleAmore

I’m pleased you found a better place to work. It’s not good enough though is it? We have a lot of work to do.

I work in HR and this is close to my heart. I’m prioritising ASD awareness in the company for next year because we need to ensure all employees are are a level playing field to succeed in their careers.

This will take work to educate managers and raise awareness. There has been and still is a lot of discrimination due to ignorance around this.

Any feedback or insights from people facing this at work is really helpful. I’ve read this whole thread and it’s all very useful.

Thanks

@Coffeebean76, I can't be the only person who has failed to disclose or 'covered up' my autism through fear of discrimination.

I am in my late 30s and, like many older women with ASDs, exceptionally good at masking (I've got a lifetime of practice behind me!).

I perform well at interview, therefore I feel that to say 'oh, by the way, I've got Asperger's' at the end risks freaking people out: I'm not smearing poo down the walls or doing Rainman sh*t, therefore I can't possibly have a chronic condition that requires adjustments.

I am clever, confident, competent and extremely good at what I do. I get up in the morning and brush my teeth and tie my shoelaces and make eye contact and say hello to my colleagues: to all intents and purposes, I look 'normal' (I'm sorry, that's an intensely offensive turn of phrase, but you know what I mean).

However, I don't like sitting with my back to a room. I find noise or bright light intensely unsettling and sometimes even painful. I don't see the point of small talk with colleagues and I don't understand office politics. I am process-driven and need rules to be in place, and I find it deeply unsettling when those rules go unobserved.

I have certain needs, because I am autistic, and no matter how good I am at what I do, I am and always will be autistic.

Employers genuinely don't know how to deal with people like me (or, I suspect, the OP). The fact that people like you (I'm going to assume you are NT and please excuse me if I'm wrong) are going out of their way to try to understand means a LOT, because trying to do this shit over the course of a lifetime is really, really tiring.

@Coffeebean76

Imagine you have to work in a foreign language environment and you don't know the language very well - you are familiar enough with your specialist vocabulary so actually doing your job is fine. But when people around you chat socially, they use idioms, grammar and vocabulary that you struggle to understand from context. So to keep up you need to be constantly on high alert and have to actively consider the meanings, always guessing but never sure you got it right. And they looooove to speak in dialect. So the moment you stop concentrating it's all just mumbling.
This constant alertness is simply exhausting.

Thanks @ThistleAmore

Yes I am NT.

Your feedback is so helpful. I appreciate that there is no one-size-fits all for ASD employees of course as all are different. From what you describe about your challenges at work, one thing we are implementing is a quiet room for employees to go to "re-group' and can spend time away from the open office stimulus.

We also want to acknowledge that hot-desking is unsettling so we would assign a permanent desk. We are flexible with home working of that is preferred.

I think team meetings can also be adjusted so that ASD employees are not questioned randomly in that forum but can provide their manager with an update in advance which the manager can then present.

Other meetings should take into consideration your comfort zone - if you don't like to sit with your back to the wall then our managers should agree in advance what works best for you and accommodate that.

Thanks for your feedback, its very helpful. Keep speaking out because this is an area that needs more profile. I will be taking all of this into consideration.

@tildama

Thanks for the insights. It does sound exhausting.

All employees should be on a level playing field. We need to work towards that and support those who have to struggle with the office chit-chat which must be just 'noise' to contend with. Sounds frustrating!!!

You could take this to HR and it would solve the problems as she's discriminating. Maybe she doesn't realise. Don't just quietly feel sad. Be proactive and do something about it.

I'm just joining in to support you OP!

It's things like this that terrify me about getting a job. I "pass" when people first meet me but it doesn't take long for them to start giving me the "you're a bit weird" look. At the moment I'm hiding behind having young children as a reason for not working & I'm lucky enough to have a DH who can support that. I dread the day when the DC have all grown up, or DH gets fed up of me dies or something & I have to get a proper job. I can totally see myself being in exactly this position & being pushed out. I'd let it happen too - I don't even have the brain-space to challenge my lack of official diagnosis I met all criteria except "maybe" one which I do actually meet, I just didn't communicate it well & the patronising mansplainer interviewing me had already decided it was just anxiety. There's no way I could function well enough to work and stand up for myself, it would just take too much mental energy!

OP, if you have anyone to advocate for you, it might help if they could at least get the ball rolling - help you write an email/letter. You may not want to continue working there but you'd feel so much better about leaving on your own terms. Plus, with future employers you'd be able to explain why you only worked there for a short time as them discriminating against you, rather than that you were let go. That may put some employers off but the good ones would use that as a springboard for a conversation about what adjustments you'd need & how they could support you.

OP i feel your pain. Have experienced similar things working with some teams who had passive aggressive 'players' . In the end I made it into a game & used to put in my diary a note to buy sharing biscuits (frequency=once every 6 weeks) and 'caring ' sweets (event trigger=after returning from holiday). Once i mastered that I mix it up with fresh fruit (every 12 weeks) and veg samosas (November &February=my rules!😊). Work pays for our milk, tea etc but I offer to fetch supplies from facilities for our tea. I offer to pick up pens,paper and the post as my "team playa" input. I don't make drinks as i tend to spill them!

I think you need to remind your boss that you have Aspergers and how difficult it is for you. Basically set out to her what you’ve said here

I agree with this. I don’t think the HR route and calling out discrimination would be constructive at this stage but I think you need an opportunity to present your side to your immediate manager stating that you are taking all of their feedback on board and are committed to trying to make improvements as you love your job and want very much to be a team player and remain part of the team. Explain that your Aspergers, whilst not an excuse for some of the behaviours they have identified, mean that some things are more of a struggle for you and you’d really appreciate your team’s patience and. understanding whilst you work on improving things. Say that you hope in 4 weeks time, that the feelings about you amongst the team are much improved but that if you are still not quite 100 per cent there, thee would be some understanding of your circumstances to give you a little longer to improve.

I would suggest putting this in written form (e.g email) would help so that you can make sure you have said everything you want to say which is hard when on the spot in a f2f discussion and also means you do have some evidence that you have asked for extra support should you wish to get backup from HR in future if you need it.

Good luck, I really hope it works out for you.

Going forward maybe choose which things you’re willing to take on. So maybe milk and biscuit buying? Set them as an automatic task in your mind.

Also chat in passing about your diagnosis to your colleagues. I know there is no obligation for you to do this but it could help. Others have no knowledge of your disability and would most likely be more understanding if they knew. Talk to the nicest most approachable person and ask them for advice about what practical things you can do as it often goes over your head.

Particularly talk to the girl who was in tears, say that your manager has mentioned something to you and apologise if you came across uncaring. Explain how you felt empathic but it didn’t occur to you to console her because of your Aspergers.

Email your manager and remind them you have Aspergers diagnosis

This is one of two things. Either your manager has no understanding of aspergers and hasn’t realised that your mistakes are part of your disability OR she knows exactly what it is and is actively discriminating against you I.e picking on your disability so as to try to force you out of the job.

First step - email your manager. Refer to the meeting that you had and then state the behaviour points she identified ie not making tea for colleagues/not replacing milk. Then apologise for those behaviours and explain that they are due to your disability - aspergers. Explain that your disability can sometimes make it hard for you to understand the required office etiquette. Then explain how much you enjoy and value the job and want to improve. Explain that with aspergers you don’t pick up on subtle hints or body language and suggest that it could help in future if colleagues were more direct with their requests ie colleague who needs help asks
you. Then finish off by asking if your manager has any other ideas that could help you to improve.
Now, I suggest you put the above (or similar - you get the gist) in an email to your manager for two reasons: it will help to make sure you communicate your points clearly and if it turns out your manager is discriminating against you then you have a record which you can take to hr or beyond.

BUT - before you send the email get a trusted friend or family member (not anyone from work) to proof read it. You need to make sure that it doesn’t accidentally cause offense etc.

Good luck. And fight for this.

I do not know anything about how ASD is likely to affect you at work. I assume there are other aspects of work you've already worked on/working on coping mechanisms for. I am dyslexic/dyspraxic and I know how draining having to "behave normally" can be, and I imagine there is some commonality in that for us.

Honestly though, the reasons she's given you are so ridiculous that it sounds to me like she wants you gone. Criticising someone for using up the last of the milk, not offering to make everyone in the building a coffee and failing to have mind reading abilities so you can jump in and do everyone else's excess work is ridiculous, and implies that she couldn't criticise your work (you know, the reason you're there....) so she picked on some other things and dressed it up as "wanting a team player".

Using the last of the milk is annoying. It’s not misconduct.
Not making tea for everyone, I struggle to see how this is relevant to your duties.
Not joining into conversation, is it work related conversations? Again I remember there was previous thread where someone was pulled up over not inviting colleagues to her house.
It seems that she is trying to pull up every excuse. I have Aspergers and I would assume I would just make my own drinks, minimal conversation and do the work.
The struggling colleague should of asked for help. I would of turned it around questioning why she couldn’t of asked, why she was given too much to do etc.

I am clever, confident, competent and extremely good at what I do. I get up in the morning and brush my teeth and tie my shoelaces and make eye contact and say hello to my colleagues: to all intents and purposes, I look 'normal' (I'm sorry, that's an intensely offensive turn of phrase, but you know what I mean).

This is it. People imagine something quite different, some blank-faced, averted-eye steretype. If you pass, you don’t want to out yourself for no reason (because of the world of weirdness that provokes from people) and so the weird stereotypes persist.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to tell anyone. When I tried it just back fired massively on me.

Instead of the socially aloof showoff I became the socially aloof showoff with a made up disability (I get the high rate of care PIP and standard mobility, it does impact me a lot day to day) that I was using as an excuse.

And I did hear comments that were made purposely in earshot of 'Oh so and so reckons her ds has asd, everyone has it these days. Must just be the 'in thing' to have.

That did actually hurt a lot. They probably just assumed it went over my head.

It's not antisocial to simply not join in; it doesn't stop other people chatting if they want to. The sense of entitlement to other people's time and energy, from people who use that word in reference to situations like this one, is staggering

This. I don't understand why so many people need validation from others. As an example, runners who moan that other runners don't say hello to them. "But we have a shared interest". So what?

I think you can do better OP. I agree with the pp who have said this is not just disability discrimination but also sex discrimination.

As for joining in conversations I am always minded of the phrase (not sure who came up with it) "it is better to remain silent and to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". I tend to only contribute to meetings when I am 100% sure of my ground. Otherwise I keep stumm.

As for not helping colleagues, well unless they tell you they need help how are you expected to know?

As others have said there are plenty of non-demanding adjustments that the team can and should make to accommodate you. But you may be better off looking elsewhere.

As the mother of a dd with asd I know how different it is but we do stress with her that she needs to ensure she doesn't do unreasonable things like take the last of the milk and make tea just for her (but quite willing to accept others making her one), she is guilty of both. Neither are grounds for dismissal so what else is the problem, not getting along with colleagues you should be working jointly with is an issue she had, and refusing to cover for colleagues because it wasn't "her job". My dd can come across as quite rude, is this the case? We are working hard on that now she's back studying so when she returns to work she fits better

This is also partly due to the growth of whinyarsery: people demand that everyone recognises their feelings (I am talking about self-obsessed, conformist NT people here), and value the performance of emotion over competence. Comforting a distressed colleague, for instance, is not 'part of the job', especially when that colleague is already being comforted by others. Volunteering to take over someone else's excess work isn't compulsory, either, particularly when that person hasn't asked for help and/or is a lazy sod who would be less overwhelmed if they stopped fucking about and/or counting the teabags. 'Small close teams' can be an utter nightmare for a new person, NT or otherwise, if that turns out to be shorthand for 'one egotistical bully and a lot of loyal dumbfucks who side with the bully'. 'Joining in conversations' is all very well, but if your workmates like to drivel on about(non-work) stuff that you have no interest in, why should you have to put in the effort to participate?
I'm annoyed on your behalf, OP, because it seems to me that 'diversity' in the workplace is only acceptable when people from whatever minority/disadvanted group work there are suitably humble and grateful to whichever petty bully micromanages the social side of work...

I'm sorry so many here have had negative experiences of disclosing Aspergers /asd in the workplace. I frequently work with people with asd and I've found knowing avoids a whole world of upset and mutual incomprehension. That said, the staff/trainees/volunteers who have made their condition known are mostly male, so I guess we may have women with Aspergers working with us who have never felt the need to mention it (or not felt able to).

That might be your experience reanimated but you definitely couldnt survive in my workplace with that attitude. We are all chronically overworked and short of money (charity) and people being flexible and willing to pitch in with what's needed is the only thing that keeps the wheels on. People do ask for help but anyone sat there going "its not my job Im not obliged to help" would be out in about 5 minutes.

Elf, I think it's the OP's manager who needs a bloody book, not the OP!

The manager needs to understand why it's difficult for some people with AS to pick up on social cues, and how to manage that in the workplace. The organisation I work for is very ASD aware, and runs courses for managers that cover managing staff with ASDs, among other things.

It helps if you are upfront about your AS, OP. At least that way your colleagues will realise you're not being inconsiderate or rude, you're just not being NT!

Well, they'll realise if they're not being complete dickheads.

Another one here who thinks this is ridiculous. Work is work. It's not socialising. If you are doing the job then they can have no further complaint. The list they've come up with is entirely down to over-socialised rubbish. If your organisation is big enough to have HR then they cannot force you out on these pathetic grounds, and you need to go and talk to them.

I really resent the way people use NT nowadays as if the over-socialisation is the only normality and only possible requirement in the world of work. Perhaps what you call 'Aspergers' is the norm, and what the Brits call NT is not. Other cultures are not so heavily dependent on what is called NT behaviour here.