I have Aspergers and I am about to fail my probation at work for 'not being a team player'

[hopelessme]

I'm heartbroken really.

I've been in my new job 6 months now and my 3 month probation report went well and I was told there were no problems etc. My 6 month review comes and my manager told me that my 'conduct is unacceptable'.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work, not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one, not contributing to conversations, taking the last of the milk and not replacing it among other things. She said that she needed staff to be team players as the team is a close and friendly team who help each other out and they find me very frustrating. She said that I was inconsiderate of others and was not committed to the growth of the team. The general idea of the conversation is that I'm self cantered and not a team player.

I've been told I need to work on my contribution to the team and I shall be reviewed in 4 weeks time. She knows I have Aspergers syndrome and I was diagnosed just 12 months ago after waiting years to be diagnosed. I am female and come across initially articulate and confident so people don't realise I have Aspergers and it is very common for me to be wrongly thought of as arrogant and selfish.

Obviously legally I could take this further but I don't want to and that's my decision.

However I am so sad. All I wanted was to have a job I enjoyed and was successful at and I tried so hard to be the best worker I could be and still failed miserably.

Although the male members of staff have been much more understanding of me and I have found them a sense of support and shall stay in contact.

I have done quite a bit of work around how to behave at work but in reality social norms and especially unwritten office rules are incredibly hard for me to master and it is always going to be something I struggle with. I shall learn from this experience and see where I could work on understanding office culture better.

AIBU to feel that while my actions may have seemed inconsiderate or selfish, a bit of understanding that this is a symptom of an employee with Aspergers should be expected? Surely if you're actively going to employ someone with Aspergers you know that symptoms they have. Or is my manager reasonable as whatever the cause of my actions, the action is still undesirable.

Whatever happens now I do think it's sad she has presumed me to be inconsiderate and selfish when I'm not at all.

Hi OP, I feel for you! I have social anxiety and a I have had similar issues to what you describe.

Would a book like this maybe help you to learn some skills:

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Job-Must-Have-Functioning-Employers/dp/1935274090?tag=mumsnetforum-21

It has this recomendation by Temple Grandin so maybe its good, I haven’t read it myself though:
"If I had read this book when I was in my twenties, I could have avoided many problems with coworkers. I truly believe that this book will help individuals on the autism spectrum get, and keep, the fulfilling jobs that they deserve." Temple Grandin, Ph.D., world-famous autism expert and author of "The Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism and Asperger's"""

Even if you're planning on leaving, don't be afraid to cite that you were effectively managed out. In terms of being critical, why wasn't that done sooner? That would be a good question there.

A nice thing some people in my office do is bring a packet of sweets or biscuits and leave them out so everyone can help themselves - people always think the giver is kind & thoughtful.

Am I reading that correctly that you are being penalized because you don’t make tea and polite chit chat? I’m at work to work. I’m not there to socialize.

To be honest she sounds awful and I can see why you want to leave.

Please send an e-mail to HR stating that you have been put on notice for the four issues you mentioned above. Then clearly state that as these are not included in your job description you want to know if all members of staff are measured by the same standards and how this measurement is done. Remind them of your diagnosis. They will shit themselves.

This is so fucking frustrating. I wonder how many men have ever been at risk of losing their jobs because they don't make tea for their colleagues or offer to help someone else with their responsibilities. Not only is this a case of disability discrimination but also sex discrimination. Unless your job description actually says that you are supposed to make tea for everyone, involve yourself in chit chat and jump to others rescue then they are being majorly unreasonable. I hear that you don't feel able to stand up to them- but I urge you to try.

Behaviour is only 'inconsiderate' and 'selfish' if deliberately done. Fancy not giving you the heads up about milk etcetera. Your manager's behaviour is disgraceful! Be proud of what you have achieved and who you are. I am really annoyed on your behalf.

She sounds horrid and just like my ex-boss, a bully who enjoyed picking on her employees (none with ASD, it was just a general thing) and being nasty and threatening them with disciplinaries over basically nothing.

Of course, there is the possibility that there is some learning for you in constructive criticism about stuff like this -- and I think you are aware of that, which is why you are posting here.

But it's also possible that she is just a bully! It's definitely bad practice for any negative feedback to come as a surprise at a probation review; it should have been raised earlier and constructively.

I think you should write this all down to her in a letter and give HR a copy. You have worded it very well and I really feel for you in this predicament.

While you might not be quite the person they are looking for, you have tried really hard by the sound of it and yes they should be more tolerant and empathetic. They also need someone they can work well with, so it's a bit of both.

A new colleague with challenging social behaviour at my work was put on an extended probation. To see if he could integrate better with the team over a longer period of time and also give him a bit more time to become competent at the job. He's almost been with us 8 months now & is improving (will be on probation until 10 months as agreed with management). Could this be something you could explore ? An extended probation - giving you a chance to work on the things she's mentioned. And for them to better understand you as well.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, OP. Your line manager absolutely deserves to be called out on her discriminatory behaviour, but I totally get why you might not want to invest your energy in fighting it. It doesn't sound like a supportive environment which values diversity at all, so perhaps you would be happier if you could find alternative employment in a more enlightened organisation. Do ask them to confirm stuff in writing, though, or keep a written record yourself, just in case you decide that you want to pursue it later.

I have someone in my team at work who I strongly suspect has aspergers, though it hasn't ever been declared and may never have been diagnosed. He is brilliant at what he does, and he is a very much valued member of our team, but he doesn't really seem to understand the usual social niceties and occasionally that can upset other colleagues, especially those who don't know him well. I must admit that I considered him quite rude, initially, but as I got to know him, I began to understand that his behaviour wasn't at all intentional. These days, I just give him really clear instructions about what I need him to do, e.g. I tell him when we need to work hard at building a friendly relationship with someone so please can he make an extra effort to offer drinks, chat etc, because otherwise it just wouldn't occur to him. I also encourage other colleagues to ask directly for help if they need it, rather than waiting for him to notice and offer. To be honest, I think clear, direct communication is best practice in an office environment regardless - no need to make people second guess what you want them to do, whether they have aspergers or not!

I really hope that you find a nicer working environment soon.

hopelessme Really sad to read this.

I also have Asperger’s and have spent years being misunderstood as arrogant, rude, self-centred etc.

However I am in a workplace now where I get much more understanding (it’s a mental health environment so people naturally understand more about this). I have also learned to be much more upfront about it and that makes a difference too. I tend to warn people I can seem unintentionally blunt, single-minded and can have trouble understanding hints or reading between the lines. I also reassure them that I am happy for people to be frank/blunt/direct in communicating with me if I seem to be missing the point, so they don’t worry about offending me.

But after many years of this I still discover that I do things that can be perceived as rude. Most recently someone I consider a good friend told me that it has taken her a long time to realise that I don’t mean to ignore people...I had no idea I do this, but apparently I will commonly move around the corridors at work without making eye contact or saying hello. It is a very busy workplace and I have a lot of responsibility and I can only explain this by acknowledging that I tend to get into tunnel vision mode focussing solely on where I am heading and what I am to do there as I move around.

Over time I think I have gained a lot of understanding, and feel that I am thought of fondly by colleagues. You can get there, not here perhaps but somewhere else. Learn your weaknesses and be upfront about them would be my advice. When I meet new people I have learned to highlight things at the earliest opportunity, saying things like, “I’m not good at reading between the lines, can you help me work out if I’m missing something here” or “sorry I think that was blunt, I could have put that better”. It can feel like you are doing it a lot, but just being really honest and not trying to hide it is quite free-ing. Good luck.

I feel very sorry for you op, have known and worked with several people who are Aspies and one person is a very close friend. They've experienced all the things that you talk about. Awareness has to be raised about Asperger's syndrome.

However I've not heard of Asperger's being categorised as a disability. It's surely just a variation of the 'norm'.

Sorry you are having a hard time OP. Is there tactics would make it easier for you at work? Does the rest of the team know snd know (If any) the tactics etc. What is your role within the team?

OP is working in a close team. Being anti social isn’t constructive to anyone in the team. Therefore it will affect the work dynamics.

"Awareness has to be raised about Asperger's syndrome."

I totally agree. I admit to being quite ignorant about it, and feel that I have learned a lot from this thread. I know people who display similar character traits to the OP and just thought they were being a little self absorbed and socially unaware. It wouldn't have occurred to me that they might be on the spectrum. I will try to be more understanding in future.

However I've not heard of Asperger's being categorised as a disability

It depends. "Disability" has a legal definition in the UK and a reasonably complex one at that. But boiled down it requires an impairment that is both "substantial" and "long-term" and those things have their own complex definitions

Some people with Asperger's do have impairments that substantially affect their day to day lives, though similarly many do not.

You've been given good advice. I know how hard it is. I've had exactly the same treatment (minus milk buying🙄) in many office jobs and have suffered bullying and discrimination re: team player/conversation stuff. I've been forced out of many, many jobs.
I hope things work out for you.

However I've not heard of Asperger's being categorised as a disability

I've been googling this recently. The equality act (2010) protects people with autism when their impairment is substantial and long-term. In such cases there will be a legal obligation to make reasonable adjustments and not to treat employees with autism less favourably than others.

The National Autistic Society website has a some really useful advice about work (aimed mainly at people with autism who are seeking work or wanting to know how to fit in at work, but also worth looking at for colleagues or managers of people with autism).

Do your colleagues know you have Aspergers? I think this could be turned around if they understood more. My lodger has aspergers and does thoughtless things and I find just being quite straightforward, to the point of bluntness, works well. Could you put your cards on the table and explain your difficulties and how they could help?

It's not antisocial to simply not join in; it doesn't stop other people chatting if they want to. The sense of entitlement to other people's time and energy, from people who use that word in reference to situations like this one, is staggering.

And I would find it ruder to be interrupted by an offer of tea when I'm in the middle of something than to be left to my own devices. The difference is that I would understand that the offer was kindly meant. The thought that making offers like that simply hadn't occurred to someone, or that they might even be being considerate, by not bothering you unnecessarily, really isn't a huge stretch.

I'm glad that this is a supportive thread on the whole, though. People who are simply inexperienced with different ways of looking at these things, and happy to find out about them - as I am with harmless allistic behaviours - I have no problem with.

It's when people double down on insisting that the only reason anyone wouldn't see these situations their way is that they're a shitty/incompetent/badly-behaved person that there's a problem.

I'd be really interested to hear the outcome of this.

I didn't disclaim the fact that I have Asperger's (because I think I do quite well really) when I accepted my job.

I was about five months in (so theoretically beyond the initial probation period, which I had assumed I had passed, because nobody had said anything to or from the contrary and there were no issues.

A survey came out from the 'leadership group', asking about ways to improve culture etc, to which I responded that, as an autistic person, it would be good if XYZ could be considered.

Two weeks later, I was called into a meeting with HR, in which I was informed that I had failed probation and should clear my desk and leave immediately, with no opportunity to speak to colleagues.

Bit of a coincidence, no?

I happen to know that at least one of the people I worked with is on MN and I really hope they recognise themself from this, because they are, IMO, a horrible coward: a controlling, anxiety-ridden bully, with a massively over-inflated sense of their own importance compared to their actual ability, which was pretty 'meh'.

If truth be told, I am still utterly, utterly furious about this and you have NO IDEA about how much I would love to flame these f*ckers all over the t'interwebz. Unfortunately, I have just enough of a grasp of social and professional niceties not to (although it kills me to keep schtum).

This is so wrong. You are entitled to a working environment that allows you to succeed as much as your colleagues. It’s simply unfair.

I would second this comment:

Please send an e-mail to HR stating that you have been put on notice for the four issues you mentioned above. Then clearly state that as these are not included in your job description you want to know if all members of staff are measured by the same standards and how this measurement is done. Remind them of your diagnosis.

Please do contact HR about this. An enlightened HR dept will support you and they should do so not out of fear of litigation but because it’s the right thing to do.

Sadly, it does depend on the company and/or industry because there is still a lot of work to be done to raise awareness and education around ASD at work.

@thistleAmore what happened to you was awful.

I hope you are working in a better place now. I’m not surprised you are furious about it.

@Coffeebean76, thank you for your kindness.

I'm fortunate that I am a specialist in a very niche role and have walked into another position with a great company, so I've happily avoided the stress of unemployment.

If I'm honest, I am still bitter and angry about how I was 'got rid of' I can't prove it, but it was to all intents and purposes discrimination, and I'm angry that there's nothing that I can do to stand up to it and prevent it happening to others in future.

For what it's worth, this was a company that falls over itself to show how 'inclusive' it is on SM, Glassdoor etc. They may talk the talk, but they certainly don't walk the walk.

Awww you deserve better. If your manager knows you have aspies and this is how she's treating you, I would simply walk away regardless of you being in the right. If you're feeling fragile, life is too short for this shit. You should be being supported, not criticised. Find somewhere where the people accept your social flaws as non malicious and use your autistic traits to all of your advantages. I work with someone autistic and we all find them a complete breath of fresh air. Good luck. X