I have Aspergers and I am about to fail my probation at work for 'not being a team player'

[hopelessme]

I'm heartbroken really.

I've been in my new job 6 months now and my 3 month probation report went well and I was told there were no problems etc. My 6 month review comes and my manager told me that my 'conduct is unacceptable'.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work, not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one, not contributing to conversations, taking the last of the milk and not replacing it among other things. She said that she needed staff to be team players as the team is a close and friendly team who help each other out and they find me very frustrating. She said that I was inconsiderate of others and was not committed to the growth of the team. The general idea of the conversation is that I'm self cantered and not a team player.

I've been told I need to work on my contribution to the team and I shall be reviewed in 4 weeks time. She knows I have Aspergers syndrome and I was diagnosed just 12 months ago after waiting years to be diagnosed. I am female and come across initially articulate and confident so people don't realise I have Aspergers and it is very common for me to be wrongly thought of as arrogant and selfish.

Obviously legally I could take this further but I don't want to and that's my decision.

However I am so sad. All I wanted was to have a job I enjoyed and was successful at and I tried so hard to be the best worker I could be and still failed miserably.

Although the male members of staff have been much more understanding of me and I have found them a sense of support and shall stay in contact.

I have done quite a bit of work around how to behave at work but in reality social norms and especially unwritten office rules are incredibly hard for me to master and it is always going to be something I struggle with. I shall learn from this experience and see where I could work on understanding office culture better.

AIBU to feel that while my actions may have seemed inconsiderate or selfish, a bit of understanding that this is a symptom of an employee with Aspergers should be expected? Surely if you're actively going to employ someone with Aspergers you know that symptoms they have. Or is my manager reasonable as whatever the cause of my actions, the action is still undesirable.

Whatever happens now I do think it's sad she has presumed me to be inconsiderate and selfish when I'm not at all.

That's really, really harsh and, I think, unfair. Most of those things are peripheral to the work itself and won't be part of your contract at all (tea, milk). The only one that seems relevant is the overwhelmed colleague and - why didn't they ask for help? Playing the martyr is not being a team player either.

Were I you, I'd ask for a new, more explicit, list of 'duties' to include any 'off duty' activity they deem relevant to your contract (making tea in paid time, rather than during a break, for example). It sounds as though you just need it spelled out for you. Also, for your colleagues to speak up and ask you to do what's needed.

It sounds a bit as though your colleagues are being passive aggressive and may risk teetering into bullying, if they're getting huffy with you but not saying what they want or need from you.

You say your male colleagues are easier to get on with. Do you think if you were male, you'd be getting the same feedback? That people would feel so strongly about these little social oversights? Or would they, as I suspect, either dismiss your behaviour as 'selfish bloke' or, say something sarcastic but direct to you, like 'oh, just making a cup of tea for yourself again there Bob?'.

I really can't see my manager ever excusing my behaviour or understanding me. I'd rather just not work somewhere where I'm around such a manager.

Very hurt though. Heartbroken. Sigh.

This is odd. Why did they not raise these concerns with you before? Now you know, presumably you will offer to make tea for others, pick up milk etc. Having Aspergers doesn't make anyone a mean person, just someone who needs to have things explained rather than pick them up intuitively.
I think you'd have a case for disablity discrimination. If they've raised these issues with you before and you've ignored them, that would be different, but it sounds as though this is the first time you've had the accusations shared with you, which must be very uncomfortable.

hopelessme under the new equalities act, disabilities are protected. Your work needs to take into account reasonable adjustments that need to be made for your asoergers. Most of what you have outlined, your work could accommodate. You need to remind her of your disclosure and that this is protected.

Hm. As Virago says, these things are mostly not material to whether you are doing the job, and even the one about helping out a colleague could easily be addressed with different management.

I can't advise on discrimination. But I wonder if it might help to pin down some SMART objectives for your next review as part of being really clear on what the expectations are. If they were writing down what they actually want from you, would they be writing about cups of tea?

You currently have an exhaustive list of things you can change if you have the fight for it. The silver lining in that feedback is it is quite specific and you could choose to jump through those hoops. However that would leave you open to her coming up with a different list of issues in 3 months, that you hadn't had your eye on while you were focussing on making chitchat or whatever. Better, I think, to use this as an opportunity to sit down and scope out a list of "what success looks like" for your next review. It should be a lot shorter because it would force some prioritisation, and should give you the ammo to say "actually I have done what was asked of me" if they do attempt to move the goalposts. I appreciate it's a lot to deal with though.

"I think you need to remind your boss that you have Aspergers and how difficult it is for you. Basically set out to her what you’ve said here."

I agree. I will put my hand up and admit that I didn't know that having aspergers would result in the traits that you have written about. I say this because I suspect that your boss and co-workers won't know or understand either so you just comes across as unthinking and selfish instead.

Do your colleagues include you in the tea rounds? If they do can you ask them to remind you when it's your turn? Can you ask your colleagues to ask you if they need help? Can you write yourself reminders to make sure you replace the milk?

If your work is exemplary I would just ask your boss to give you some guidelines so that you can fit in more easily.

Good luck. I hope it works out.

Please talk to HR.

This sort of crap is why 80% of autistic people who could be in employment aren't. On paper I am a very successful highly qualified PhD-level person blah blah blah. Then I had to look for a job. It took a whole YEAR to find something and while some of my rejections weren't unreasonable, others were 'death by algorthm' and yep, the fact is the person who is at the interview did not fit the person on the CV...

I work in STEM in what turned out to be a sheltered environment as pretty much everyone I worked with guessed that about me. Things turned sour when it became a bit more corporate, even though MY performance continued to upgrade.

These aren’t unwritten rules anymore though. She has been specific about them.

Replace the milk when you use the last of it.
When you make a drink, offer one to the rest of the team.
Put a reminder in your diary to check in with colleagues every few days to see if they need any help.

These things are easily resolved, now you know they are expected of you.

The stuff around joining in with conversations and generally being a team player is harder. This is where I think you should speak to your boss, explain how your Aspergers impacts the way you interact with people and ask for her help in integrating with the team in a way that is constructive for all of you. They do need to adjust the way they work to make sure they are including you. For example, it wouldn’t be hard for the rest of the team to approach you directly if they needed some help, instead of waiting for you to offer.

I work with children who have ASD and my child is ASD (HF) too. I'm afraid that the general public just aren't very knowledgeable about the condition especially Aspergers. If they know you have Asperger's then they need to support you and accommodate that, and that means them asking how they can support you as every person with ASD is different. When your manager said you were "arrogant and self-centered" did you say anything to her about your aspergers at all? I can understand it must have made it very hard to say anything when you feel verbally attacked.

If you're feeling OK to do this, you can send them this link from the National Autistic Society:
www.autism.org.uk/managing

You could feedback to them that you would like constructive criticism to help you and guide you as you enjoy the job itself. However your manager also needs to work with you and understand what you struggle with - could you list it out for her?
So could you say, for example:
Tea making - I will make tea for everyone in my team on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10am and 3pm
Helping colleagues - for them to ask me directly as I would be happy to help

It gives you that bit of structure and knowing what needs to be done and when, and also shows you're happy to be a part of the team, just with a few changes to help you manage it.

I hope that helps in some way.

Female, adult diagnosed Aspie who has faced similar shit before - it utterly sucks.

But

I would honestly try telling the manager. I was about to be put on disciplinary before my aspergers diagnosis and being able to explain WHY certain things were happening made a huge difference.

We'll never get it entirely right, but some of these things can be learned now that you know - even if only for future jobs. What's that saying, you don't know what you don't know? I found an asperger's diagnosis a bit like I suddenly knew at least some of the things I didn't know. It's made it easier for me to come up with strategies to make it work

They definitely should be showing some understanding, but at the same time, you also have to show that you're trying not to display behaviours that are considered undesirable as you say.

It sounds like they want to give you the chance, so listen to what was said, make the effort to offer help if there's an opportunity, like buy some milk and make the occasional drink.

Right, and your advice to a blind person would be to show effort in trying to see things and make an vigorous attempts to be more sighted?

Can’t you see how stressful this is?

Tea making rotas and a milk/biscuits fund (that everyone chips into with one assigned person buying) are the easy and obvious answers to these non-problems.

Can understand you wanting to leave and do agree you are not being treated well but if you do want to move forward, she has given you lots of specifics. So you can say to colleagues to let you know if they need help, as you may not notice (this could be said for anyone), make tea in your turn (kinda hate those routines but they are normal in some workplaces), etc. Speak to your colleagues, clear the air (maybe she is making it up). Good luck with whatever you decide.

There are fewer worse things than thinking everything is OK only to find that behind the scenes they aren't only no-one's telling you since to them it is obvious?

Agree there's no point in being an 'out' Aspie at work (with the prejudice that may attract) but not taking advantage of laws that are there to protect you against this very type of treatment.

It's well known even amongst the very uninformed that people with Autism struggle with social skills and these examples you give are things that should be easily understood by people who know your condition. As long as you are doing your actual job correctly they should be making allowances. For example your colleague who needed help could have requested you to help them. A friendly reminder that it is expected to take turns in making drinks and replace the milk is very simple and easily comes into the category of reasonable adjustments.

Everyone in my office uses the last of the milk and doesn't get more!

There is so much that Aspies offer the work place - commitment, loyalty, attention to detail, ability to remain focused when pressure is on once they are established in the routines. For this reason it is worth the work place making reasonable adjustments- which from the tone of the feedback would first of all be to put you on milk duty. Never again would the team run low such is your commitment and attention to detail.

Yes Aspie thinking and social etiquette does take time to adjust to but our workplace is so enriched by the differences. But you can’t make the adjustments alone. You need someone to have your back. Who could you approach? Doesn’t have to be a manager. Maybe a colleague or even the group you said who get you. Someone with whom you could get support to reassure you and reinforce your confidence.

You worked hard to get the job and have gone through the probation period. Don’t let some twit take it away from you.

I think what you highlight is the prejudice against women who do not present the required level of caring and sharing required of women, regardless of whether Aspie. Sadly it sounds like the women who are reinforcing this stereotype.

*She's not wrong your behaviour is inconsiderate and selfish.

No it’s NOT. Those are descriptors of motivation.*

I don't think that's right actually. It's a nice distinction to try and make, but confuses intention and act.

I know you don’t want to take this further OP, but please do. The complaint she gave were all ridiculous. None of them relating to your actual job. Get advice.

I really can't see my manager ever excusing my behaviour or understanding me. I'd rather just not work somewhere where I'm around such a manager.

Is this manager hostile or unfriendly generally?

If so, is there scope for being moved to another team?

It's easy for people here to tell you to claim constructive dismissal or discrimination, and it's coming from a good place because any decent person would be angry at how you're being treated, but it's a bloody hard process to actually go through. I think your plan of looking for another job is the best thing for YOU.

There's more to this than biscuits I suspect. At least your manager has given you something useful in that they are not an ally and at best will only ever be neutral. Be careful not to reveal any more about yourself than you have too.

OP, you sound very defeatist - you’re not out yet! The fact that she’s extended your probationary period sounds like they are giving you chance to make improvements.
Some of the reasons she’s given you are very minor. Did she say anything about the quality of your actual work? If not, that’s great and you can work on the other areas.

I agree with what others have said - you need to speak to HR and get a proper checklist of things to do. Reminders to make drinks for people and get new milk etc. They have no grounds to get rid of you just because you don’t properly join in their conversations! Plenty of people go to work and don’t particularly chat to their colleagues.
Good luck - just make sure an achievable plan is in place from HR.

Hi OP I'm sorry this has happened and it must be devastating

One thing I'd query is why they waited 6 months to bring this up and not given you more time to correct things as youve gone along

Does the person who did the review know the ins and puts of aspergers? Do they know your behavior is down to that and not just being rude

Here's what I would do for what it's worth

Have another meeting asap. Explain aspergers with loads of examples. Say you really do need this pointed out to you as you won't pick up social clues and so on. Ask them to be very specific about what actions you can take to become a team player. Get some smart targets. Ask them to tell you sooner next time.

I'd also have the same or a similar chat with your team - managers and HR may know about your aspergers and how it affects you but your team may not and may genuinely think you're rude or unhelpful. This may be uncomfortable for you and them but it night clear the air - it might come across as a bit strange otherwise if you change overnight.

And then try your best to follow through with whatever they suggest. Even if you're looking for another job in the mean time (as they haven't treated you very well) it will be good practice, mean you don't leave on bad terms (never know when that might be useful) and might come in useful for the next team you join.

What does tea making have to do with work?

I would rather not drink tea at work than have to offer to make it for everyone (who are quite capeable if making it themselves!). What a waste of work time!

Replacing the last of the milk will stop an annoyance, but (unless you work in catering) it has nothing to do with work again!