I have Aspergers and I am about to fail my probation at work for 'not being a team player'

[hopelessme]

I'm heartbroken really.

I've been in my new job 6 months now and my 3 month probation report went well and I was told there were no problems etc. My 6 month review comes and my manager told me that my 'conduct is unacceptable'.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work, not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one, not contributing to conversations, taking the last of the milk and not replacing it among other things. She said that she needed staff to be team players as the team is a close and friendly team who help each other out and they find me very frustrating. She said that I was inconsiderate of others and was not committed to the growth of the team. The general idea of the conversation is that I'm self cantered and not a team player.

I've been told I need to work on my contribution to the team and I shall be reviewed in 4 weeks time. She knows I have Aspergers syndrome and I was diagnosed just 12 months ago after waiting years to be diagnosed. I am female and come across initially articulate and confident so people don't realise I have Aspergers and it is very common for me to be wrongly thought of as arrogant and selfish.

Obviously legally I could take this further but I don't want to and that's my decision.

However I am so sad. All I wanted was to have a job I enjoyed and was successful at and I tried so hard to be the best worker I could be and still failed miserably.

Although the male members of staff have been much more understanding of me and I have found them a sense of support and shall stay in contact.

I have done quite a bit of work around how to behave at work but in reality social norms and especially unwritten office rules are incredibly hard for me to master and it is always going to be something I struggle with. I shall learn from this experience and see where I could work on understanding office culture better.

AIBU to feel that while my actions may have seemed inconsiderate or selfish, a bit of understanding that this is a symptom of an employee with Aspergers should be expected? Surely if you're actively going to employ someone with Aspergers you know that symptoms they have. Or is my manager reasonable as whatever the cause of my actions, the action is still undesirable.

Whatever happens now I do think it's sad she has presumed me to be inconsiderate and selfish when I'm not at all.

FFS, bringing up the fact you’ve not made drinks for others. How petty. What a bitch.

OP, this is clearly disability discrimination as others have said, and worth pursuing on that alone. However, I don’t blame you for not wanting to do so.

Do you actually like this job, and can you see a future there? (flowers)

don't think that's right actually. It's a nice distinction to try and make, but confuses intention and act.

Oh do go away pfwow you obviously know nothing at all about either autism or employment law.

How is telling OP her actions are “selfish and inconsiderate” helping? It’s perfectly obvious her actions were benign and oblivious. (And yes it is intent that makes the difference.)

Sorry, tried to send you there!

Oh OP, as a Mum of a daughter with Asperger's, this makes me so incredibly sad! As a bright, motivated woman with ASD, you are incredibly adept at "masking" your social difficulties, however, the difficulties are very present! This is what your employer has completely failed to grasp and the way they have behaved is incredibly discriminatory as all of the issues they noted are related to your autism. Please do file a complaint and let us know how you get on. Sending and x

Oh you poor thing :(

Just wanted to chip in and say that I agree with others that none of the things mentioned indicate that you aren’t a team player. If you’re doing your job properly, you shouldn’t be able to help other people with theirs because you’re busy!

I might get a bit miffed over the milk thing, but I certainly wouldn’t hold it against someone. I would make sure that there was more milk before somebody used the last of it!

Big hugs, hope they don’t fire you

So, do others in your work place offer to make you a tea? Did you even realize the other person was overworked? Could you have helped? Is it woke you could have done?

Is it shared milk?

I am socially awkward and possibly on the aspergers scale. I do not read social cues at all. I was in a career that fortunately I worked on my own a lot. However it also required in-house social activity. I was frequently left out. I just got on with it.

I would think on how others have been treating you, if it is in line with how the manager has addressed you. If not I would question the results of your assessment.

You need to talk to HR. Presumably you need a reference from this manager for a new job? I think her reasons are spurious and ridiculous, pathetic even, like she's making up excuses to get rid of you. You're not the fucking tea lady, you don't need to offer drinks. Is that in your contract? And picking up other people's work? In your contract? Please phone ACAS and get advice.

And as for contributing to conversations, puuuhlease! I'm often very quiet, but I sure as hell still contribute to the team. That's such a pathetic thing to pick up on.

Don't ask her put this in writing, put it in writing yourself and say: I wanted to be clear about the areas for improvement. Link it to your Aspergers diagnosis. Date the note.

1. All this petty, non-work related stuff will look like the shite it is.
2. You'll have it in writing for further use.

The last time I looked, team playing was hitting the objectives of the team, making deadlines on time, doing my job. Hard to see how you're expected to know colleague is overwhelmed, and the question could well be why they are so. ) though I wouldn't ask it at this stage. They're probably too busy taking endless cups of tea/joining in conversations to get the job done: o

YY to writing everything down and dating it. Next meeting, could you take someone in with you. If you are in a union you could take a representative with you. But don't go though this alone. I wonder if any of your colleagues have any idea if this going on?

It's also possible that your colleagues are a bunch of bitchy, cliquey, lazy cunts, OP. People who obsess about the fucking tea round are usually inadequate at their jobs, and will close ranks against anyone who actually wants to get on with work.

There have been a few threads on MN from neurotypical people stuck in a workplace with spiteful idiots (I think the all time best was the woman whose colleagues were deliberately unfriending her on facebook and excluding her from social events, that she didn't want to attend anyway, and she actually hadn't noticed, until the idiot colleagues put in a complaint to the effect that OP was not upset by their attempts to bully her, and that this was unfair...).

It might be worth putting them on the spot about disability discrimination, or it might be better to look for another job: up to you. But try not to let it get you down too much.

I expect that being a team player is important to many job roles.

I know it hasn’t occurred to you to buy milk in or offer to make others tea. It wasn’t an intentional oversight due to your Aspergers. However my DS with aspergers can modify his behaviour, therefore choosing to offer to make tea. It takes effort to comply with social norms with Aspergers but it can be ingrained as routine after a while

Oh sorry OP, that sucks

I'm not working at the moment, but when I was I would get similar comments.

My work has never been criticised, in fact I was complimented on my attention to detail and willingness to not stop until the work was done.

However, I was strongly disliked. I didn't pick up on this, I thought everyone was lovely, but my manager took me aside to tell me about it.

Apparently it all stemmed from an incident involving a colleague who had recieved some bad news. She came in crying.

Everyone else ran and hugged her, but I kept eating my sandwich.

I liked her, and felt sorry for her news, but I don't 'display' emotions.

Every social cue I failed to pick up on was then catalogued against me. I left in the end when I just couldn't cope with them being nice to my face and then receiving so many complaints about non work related things from my manager.

YANBU I also have Asperger's and we get treated like shit at work. I got a disciplinary for upsetting the team once because I refused to put anything into a birthday collection. I'd contributed to every other one but this one was being collected the day after my birthday and I hadn't got so much as a card off my 'team'. But apparently I was the one at fault.

I can understand you feeling heartbroken but please don't let this make you feel bad about yourself in any way. This says more about your manager than it does about you.

From what you have said your manager is not a very nice person. I move jobs a lot (all temporary roles) and plenty of teams and managers would be very happy to have you on their team. A good workplace accommodates all sorts of people and benefits from the unique strengths each person can bring. A bad manager gets hung up on pointless stupid details like tea and coffee making / milk, instead of focusing on getting the best out of people.

Really - you are a wonderful employee. Your manager is a bad manager.

Also nearly every office I go to everyone makes their own tea and coffee - it's not efficient to make huge rounds of drinks.

That's terrible. I always make a drink for myself and don't bother asking anyone. I also don't expect them to ask me! This is certainly not a sacking offence.

My most heartfelt sympathy to you my DS has ASC. He is wonderful and warm and many other things, but he cannot read the hidden messages usNT take for granted. Can I just suggest you forward your OP but add that no-one will be more committed, more focussed or be able to add the extra dimension you bring to the team, the best teams need a mix of different qualities, and you have qualities others don't.

You are being discriminated against. Your manager is not a good manager and HR need to know that so she cannot do it to someone else. You can still leave and find somewhere where you are appreciated. Your review should focus on your work. Making people tea and joining in conversations do not affect your performance. Talking too much does. If someone was drowning in work did they ask you to help? Did you refuse to help? As your manager exactly what has she done to support you as a team member with Aspergers?
She sounds awful. You on the other hand sound dedicated and professional. I hope you get angry and report her.

I would second that at the next review you state your qualities of loyalty, attention to detail, and that you are an excellent team player in terms of helping people when they need or ask for it. Also I have found that ASD people can often use their grasp of small details to find shortcuts and solutions to problems that others overlook.

It looks like you’ve made your decision but please please don’t be heartbroken. The fault here is not yours but your uneducated and thoughtless and unkind manager.

Contact Autistica. They are a small charity that are helping to get people on the spectrum into employment. There are an ever increasing number of employers who recognise the importance of neuro-diversity. You will find a job with an employer who will allow you to flourish at work. I’m sure you ARE wonderful. It’s your manager who is not.

I am so sorry that this is happening. I too am on the spectrum and have two autistic dc. Have you read any books to help you with difficulties in the workplaces? These look useful- I find Rudy Simones books particularly insightful as a fellow female Aspie.

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Syndrome-Workplace-Survival-Guide/dp/1849059438/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Autism++workplace&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1545170879&sr=8-4

www.amazon.co.uk/Peculiar-Girl-Autistic-Neurotypical-Workplace-ebook/dp/B07L916T4Q/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Autism+women+workplace&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1545170760&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Syndrome-Workplace-Survival-Guide/dp/1849059438/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=Autism++workplace&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1545170879&sr=8-4

Thanks everyone. I'm not happy in the job anyway so will be pleased to leave.

Just feel sad that I'm so misinterpreted.

I'm concentrating my efforts on getting work elsewhere.

There are some things I can take away from this experience but I will always struggle with social norms so I hope I can find a team accepting of that.

She did criticise my work. Said that I lack initiative and stay too long on one piece of work when there's other work to be done.

She also said that I take long lunch breaks but this isn't true.

She said that there's been a number of occasions when I've inappropriately walked into her office while she was talking to someone in private.

She said the team work very well together and I don't fit within the team at the moment.

It's true that everyone can make a drink for themselves. But it is very good social etiquette to OFFER to make a drink for someone if you are making one for yourself; not doing so comes over as unfriendly. Apparently little adjustments like this can make life smoother for the OP. Insisting "But everyone can make their own drinks!", on the other hand, comes over as boorish and anti-social.

OP. you've been diagnosed, that fact should help you when you contact HR. The office should be making reasonable adjustments. Also, as other have said, it would be a good idea to contact your union if you have one.

So you want to keep the job? Is it possible for you to bring in an extra pint of milk you pay for every few days for colleague to use? You could do it on the same days each week and it could just be part of your routine?

Most offices need people who muck in and others who are good at the work but never go out socialising etc so she is being a bit short sighted to require everyone to be the same. Also not all offices are happy if people cry at work - it can be better to ignore someone crying at work sometimes rathe rthan everyone crowding round doing some kind of sympathy fest.

Would you be brave enough to send an email
Send one Friday late to the people involved and explain a bit around your issue and why you are the way you are ?

They need educating , you need a job and sounds like nothing to lose ?

Good luck . This sucks and they need to learn and wise up a bit