I have Aspergers and I am about to fail my probation at work for 'not being a team player'

[hopelessme]

I'm heartbroken really.

I've been in my new job 6 months now and my 3 month probation report went well and I was told there were no problems etc. My 6 month review comes and my manager told me that my 'conduct is unacceptable'.

She reeled off a load of examples including me not offering to help a colleague out when they were overwhelmed with work, not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one, not contributing to conversations, taking the last of the milk and not replacing it among other things. She said that she needed staff to be team players as the team is a close and friendly team who help each other out and they find me very frustrating. She said that I was inconsiderate of others and was not committed to the growth of the team. The general idea of the conversation is that I'm self cantered and not a team player.

I've been told I need to work on my contribution to the team and I shall be reviewed in 4 weeks time. She knows I have Aspergers syndrome and I was diagnosed just 12 months ago after waiting years to be diagnosed. I am female and come across initially articulate and confident so people don't realise I have Aspergers and it is very common for me to be wrongly thought of as arrogant and selfish.

Obviously legally I could take this further but I don't want to and that's my decision.

However I am so sad. All I wanted was to have a job I enjoyed and was successful at and I tried so hard to be the best worker I could be and still failed miserably.

Although the male members of staff have been much more understanding of me and I have found them a sense of support and shall stay in contact.

I have done quite a bit of work around how to behave at work but in reality social norms and especially unwritten office rules are incredibly hard for me to master and it is always going to be something I struggle with. I shall learn from this experience and see where I could work on understanding office culture better.

AIBU to feel that while my actions may have seemed inconsiderate or selfish, a bit of understanding that this is a symptom of an employee with Aspergers should be expected? Surely if you're actively going to employ someone with Aspergers you know that symptoms they have. Or is my manager reasonable as whatever the cause of my actions, the action is still undesirable.

Whatever happens now I do think it's sad she has presumed me to be inconsiderate and selfish when I'm not at all.

You know what's expected of you now and have time to rectify it. So next time you finish the milk, for example, bin it and replace and next time you go for a tea break ensure you ask others what they would like. Don't throw in the towel just yet you've time to turn it around and work on these social niceties.

not offering to make others a drink when I make myself one,

WTAF? I don’t have Aspergers and have never offered to make anyone else a drink when I have made my own in over 30 years. Don’t even know if anyone else who would actually do this.

I have taken colleagues a cup of water if they have taken unwell but that’s as far as it goes unless you have some weird tea lady aspect to your job description which I doubt anyone in any job would have in this day and age.

• of anyone

This is horrible to read op. It sounds like she had something personal against you. She sounds like a bully. I think you should reconsider leaving. Sounds like you have an amazing, understanding team. If you take it to hr it might be her thats leaving not you.
And it's so easily provable that she fabricated stuff.

"WTAF? I don’t have Aspergers and have never offered to make anyone else a drink when I have made my own in over 30 years. Don’t even know if anyone else who would actually do this."

You obviously have never worked in an office where people take it in turns to make each other drinks. It is more commonpace than you think.

Clearly the drink making etiquette is different in every workplace. I don't have time to make large rounds of drinks, so I make my own. However, it is on the understanding that I don't expect anyone to make one for me either.

I don’t have Aspergers and have never offered to make anyone else a drink when I have made my own in over 30 years.

Likewise here. And yes, I have worked in offices where it's usual to make drinks for everyone. It used to stress me out and I was anxious about making it too milky, too much sugar, leaving the tea bag in too long etc. So after I left my first job, I simply opted out of subsequent office jobs, and said I didn't drink tea or coffee and took in my own bottle of water or juice instead. I'd never accept other people making me drinks but me no reciprocating, so I find it easier to simply opt out and avoid the stress/anxiety. To "normal" people that may sound odd, I appreciate that!

You obviously have never worked in an office where people take it in turns to make each other drinks. It is more commonpace than you think.

Yes, I have and I know, but I still opt out. It's also commonplace for some people not to participate. It was only when I looked around after a few days in one job that I noticed a couple of other people weren't in the drink making circle either!

Would your colleagues be prepared to put what they have said in writing and give it to HR?

Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a typical workplace to me and it doesn’t sound like the right fit for you. It sounds like there is something deeply flawed in your
manager’s personality and that she’s just looking for things to pick on you about. Do you want to stay there?

If you do then she needs to support you to know what is expected of you as a “team player”. Would it help you to have expectations written down? Ie “When you make a cup of tea for yourself, always ask if anyone else wants one.”

Also others should be taught that if they are overwhelmed and needing help they need to ask you directly rather than giving hints or non verbal cues that you might not pick up on.

I have to say, I don’t see how using the last of the milk and not replacing it is anything to do with your AS...

I have aspergers and it's a case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'. It's also exhausting and depressing living with the pressure of trying to appear 'normal' yet still failing. People just do not comprehend the amount of effort we put in to everyday life, including work.

I hope you find something you like op. Perhaps contact the NAS for guidance.

I have to say, I don’t see how using the last of the milk and not replacing it is anything to do with your AS...

A couple of people posters have mentioned this. It's likely to be to do with executive function impairment. I've got this myself and didn't recognise it until it was broken down in a brilliant book I read called "Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate - a user guide to an Asperger life."

Basically, solving a problem, even a minor one like buying more milk because it's run out requires 4 EF-specific steps:
1.Identify the observed condition as a problem

1. Plan a solution by selecting and ordering strategies
2. Maintain strategies in sort-term memory in order to perform them.
3. Evaluate the outcome and troubleshoot as necessary.

I'll give an example. The light switch is my lounge is covered with dirty fingermarks. I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It must have been like that for ages because there are so many marks. When I walk past I say to myself, "I need to clean that". And then I carry on walking past, because I was doing something else and I don't think about the light switch again.

It's not procrastination. I've been putting off cleaning my oven. That's procrastination. It's a gross job, it's going to take me ages and I don't want to do it. Wiping over the light switch will take hardly any time or effort....

.... in fact I've just gone and done it. The light switch looks lovely and white and shiny, and I was back at my keyboard a minute later.

I'll give an example. The light switch is my lounge is covered with dirty fingermarks. I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It must have been like that for ages because there are so many marks. When I walk past I say to myself, "I need to clean that". And then I carry on walking past, because I was doing something else and I don't think about the light switch again.

That's not really a good example. Loads of people would do that whether or not they have AS.

That's not really a good example. Loads of people would do that whether or not they have AS.

It was the best I could think of off the top of my head.

That's not really a good example. Loads of people would do that whether or not they have AS.

I disagree - it's a very valid example of something that is quick and easy to do, but for someone with AS your brain just "doesn't get it". I am exactly the same and put it down to AS - so many times during the day, I can see the blatantly obvious but my brain just doesn't engage - it's as if there's a missing link.

Best (or worst one!) was when we were taking my OH's grandmothers' ashes to a cemetery a hundred miles away. I knew what we were doing, obviously, and when my OH's Mum and Dad came and parked outside our house, he got a bag out from his boot, which, looking back was obviously her ashes in the box, but I made a stupid joke about him bringing his packed lunch with him, as at that precise moment, I hadn't "twigged" it was the ashes, even though I knew damn well, they'd be bringing them. Like I say, a missing link in the brain.

So I can very well see why it wouldn't "twig" to the OP that using the last of the milk would trigger a response they should go and get more. Of course, it's blatantly obvious, but again, at that moment, the signals across the brain don't send the right message.

I would love to work with you! So much easier if everyone just made ourselves a quick cuppa when we wanted one?! I find office environments stressful partly as there are so many unwritten expectations, I am generally good with people but I struggle in a new job especially if I have lots going on at home.

At least she has given you a very specific list of what you need to do which could be great social practise for you if you want to ‘fit in’?

On the other hand you might prefer to find work that really suits you and your positive traits?

A chat with HR might be helpful. They may not say anything different but they may give extra perspective. They MIGHT make you feel even worse though.. if you have a trusted friend / therapist / family member you may want to discuss with them as well.

If it was me I’d just start looking for a new job where i was working alone a little more x

I don't really have anything helpful to add to this, but I'm so sorry :( I expect that I am on the spectrum as well, which mostly gives me issues being disturbed by noise more than others, being overwhelmed and (socially) exhausted. I always thought having a diagnosis would help, apparently not. That's really shitty of them, maybe it's not the right place for you to work if they treat you like this.

Im only on page 1 but just thought, is your boss reeling out a list of complaints made by your colleagues. So as she is your boss, if you complain you are 'shooting tge messenger'? Perhaps your entire team need some training

Im only on page 1 but just thought, is your boss reeling out a list of complaints made by your colleagues. So as she is your boss, if you complain you are 'shooting tge messenger'? Perhaps your entire team need some training

There was a positive update from the OP on page 6 of the thread. She showed the report to her colleagues. They were appalled and were lovely to her.

She's discriminating and is also a bad manager. It's not acceptable for a
3 month probation report to go well with no problems, and suddenly at a 6 month review there ARE problems that have come out of the blue.

If you lack initiative and stay too long on one piece of work, she needed to have addressed that and supported you to make improvements.
She seems to be plain lying about the long lunch breaks.
If people can inappropriately walk into her office while she's talking to someone in private, she needs to think about signage/briefing her team in advance to manage this.

I'm glad your colleagues respect and like you and have shown their appreciation. You need to hang on to that rather than the behaviour of this individual.

I know you don't want to go legal but I'll risk saying anyway – you might be helping not just yourself but others in similar positions to you. What if someone else with your condition found themselves working for this woman?

I have Aspergers. I was an adult when diagnosed and to all intents and purposes, I “fit in” very well. However, none of the social stuff comes naturally and it’s exhausting and can be very dibilitating. Personally, I wouldn’t want to continue working there but then, jobs are hard to come by.

You do need to speak to HR about what’s happened. They are in breach of employment law. To go from 3-6 months without any verbal warnings is not good practice. They should be helping you, as they might assist a person in a wheelchair or other disability.

Sorry this has happened to you, OP.

OP, I hope things will getter better for you. It sounds very much as manager having problems lack of training and wrong attitude.
People who are saying that using last milk is nothing to do with Asperger, you are wrong. OP is coming to make a cup of tea, so she’s focused on this task. Checking milk is a different task for her.

Years ago, before I “learned” some social skills, it would never ever have occurred to me to offer office members a drink. And that “in crowd” chit chat (anything from the weather to who’s doing what at the weekend) totally eluded me. Still does but I can mask it very well and then go home and sleeeeep.

This is a difficult one and one that I think will always be hard to overcome.

Nearly every business I have recruited for pick the candidate based on 'team fit'

For anyone who has not RTFT here are some adjustments another autistic poster's workplace have made to help her;

• mindview software which allows me to organise my workload more easily
• two ours of “quiet time” in our office every day where talking must be kept to a minimum (8 people in my office)
• people leave the room to have long conversations (rather than someone coming in, standing next to a desk and going on and on and on)
• having a room I can go to when I get overwhelmed or have a meltdown

This is along with a generally supportive atmosphere towards her differences. They would work with her to implement reasonable adjustments that suit her individual needs.

This is the level of support that companies are legally required to provide to their disabled employees and they are not allowed to discriminate -even at interview, they would have to prove that they interviewed fairly and did not take into account the adjustments they might need to make.

Ah yes. 'Cultural fit' Or a handy carpet to stuff discrimination under. Probably why I didn't get promoted in my last job or that it took me a year of job seeking to get this one. I didn't think too much of the 'D' word at first but as the rejections started piling up and all my colleagues started getting offers while mine stayed at a resolute 0.

Some rejections seemed ok, for instance relocation issues but when I saw 'team fit' being bandied around I knew I was doomed.

The irony was is that my former boss reckoned I was an Aspie as soon as I walked into the room. As did the rest of the team whom I still in touch with.

So yes, discrimination by the back door and in the OP's case constructive dismissal.

I would go to higher ups because I wonder if others have raised concerns about your managers performance and she is on the defensive and is picking a distraction target: you.

If you do leave, what's the betting it'll be a skittles effect?