Bad hosts?

[TakeFive1959]

Last weekend, my DH and I stayed for three nights at my SIL's and her DH's house, who live in another country. About a month in advance, we asked her if it would be fine for us to stay, since we wanted to visit them -last time we saw each other was in summer-, to which she said yes.

Let's say that we did not quite feel, well... hospitality, precisely. The day of our arrival -on Friday night, 8pm-ish-, we were supposed to meet at a train station to go together with them to their house (which we had never been to, since they moved a couple of months ago). We let them know beforehand the time we were arriving, we messaged them when our plane landed, and even when our train was on the way to the station. They just did not show up. We called them letting them know that we had arrived, and they said they were still home! They did not just arrive from work, but were there - we don't know what. So instead of waiting all the way for them to arrive -25-30 minutes-, we just compromise to meet them at half the way.

Then, when we arrived at their house (at around late 9 pm), they did not offer us anything to eat or even snack. There was not any dinner or snacks prepared, so we all order take away. They had not had dinner themselves either, waiting for us to have dinner together.

Right after ordering, my SIL says that 'ours' is 'x' pounds so that we pay her the cost of our meal, which we do immediately and do nothing else that night but smile and talk to them. We ended up having dinner at 11pm.

Of course, we had brought with us some gifts for them -things we knew they liked-, and gave them upon our arrival. We were also more than willing -or would have been, if things would have been different- to contribute with the costs of our stay and invite them for some meals and/or buy groceries, but were just not expecting that reaction precisely on the night of our arrival, which was quite shocking tbh.

During the rest of our stay, they provided for breakfasts -consisting of cereals with milk or yoghurt, fruit and coffee or tea-, and an occasional drink -twice- at their house, but nothing else. They did not cook once - which is fine for me-, and all meals were out or takeaways, but we were expected to pay for absolutely every meal apart from breakfast, and they did not invite us even once, not even to a coffee or tea while we were out in the city with them.

In fact, they were so tight that they expected each person the bear the exact cost of what they had ordered, they did not just divide the bill (even when what we all had ordered was pretty similar in cost). This happened with coffee, too.

During all our stay, we cleaned our dishes and what we used for breakfast and/or for the takeaways without being asked for, and we offered our help whenever we could (to clean the dishes, set the table or even prepare a coffee for them at breakfast, since they always woke up later than we did!).

The morning we left, we woke up to be ready to leave the house at the same time they did, since they did not have the day off and had to go to work, and we did not want to be an inconvenience for them.

I would love to say that our stay was lovely, but that attitude left us quite cold. We tried to ignore it the first day, but then it just repeated during all our stay, so we did not bother to invite them for dinner or coffee either, feeling quite annoyed.

Is it just us, or is this really an absolute lack of hospitality? If they had stayed at our house, I know we would have made sure that dinner was ready when they arrived, and would have been waiting for them at the train station upon their arrival (not to mention that we would have invited them to all of the meals at our house, or some of them if dinner or lunch was out, in addition to buying some snacks and/or things for them).

Financially, they currently do better than we do, since SIL has a very good job and my DH is unemployed at the moment, but there is usually not a big difference between us.

What do you think?? Last night I messaged SIL thanking her for 'our stay', and offering them to stay at our house anytime, but did not feel right thanking her for their 'hospitality', since we felt there was NONE.

Am I being over-criticising? Do you believe that they are aware that they were not hospitable? What would you do?

I'm with the OP. When people stay with us, even if a little inconvenient, we make time for them, arrange some sightseeing, provide all meals and are very generous with the booze. All of our friends and family do the same.

so the OP asking if they could come and stay , which is the normal behaviour of any reasonable human beings, is a problem because?

How I wish it were that simple!

We've had people book flights without checking with us. Came home to find relatives we've never met on our doorstep expecting to stay for weeks, expecting us to pay for their taxis from the airport, take them out to restaurants... That's just the inlaws. Similar from friends.

But yes such a privilege to have them stay with us.

Sneezy* But the relative here was their brother and wife. Hardly a relative they have not met.

That's not the point. The OP has wanted to be waited on hand and foot. The hosts are people with lives to live and jobs to do, not Uncle Basil and Aunty Sybil running a guest house.

You invited yourself to stay. Maybe they weren’t really that up for it, but didn’t want to upset you.

In which case they should have made some excuse for you not to visit.
When we have guests, and they often just phone up and ask if they can stay a couple or three nights, I certainly don't expect them to fend for themselves, we usually do the meals, with maybe them taking us out for a meal, when we're out and about with them we tend to take turns paying for coffees etc.

If your SiL is your DH's sister, she was probably relaxed about you two coming to stay. They do sound tight and should have paid the full bill for some of your orders. But then again, so should you. You should have set the example.

abacucat My MIL has a weekend limit! If my SIL (tbf she's a absolute cunt) turned up I would turn around and walk the other way.
DH is 100% in agreement btw.

Sneezy you are very unlucky or far too nice.

The OP didn't behave that way however, which is the whole point. They did ask, and arranged to visit for 3 days. How can anyone find that outrageous is genuinely beyond me. I have hosted a work colleague from DH, and a complete stranger, for longer than that.

Whilst you're still posting here, cake. Please let me know where I've used a word that I don't have in my vocabulary. You've accused me of it twice.

Thentherewascake I do think I lucked out on the inlaws tbh. They are not good people understatement of the century.

We have however opened our home to strangers who have turned into lifelong friends, so swings and roundabouts.

Your hosts were rude. However, I cannot imagine asking to stay with someone who had just moved house 2 weeks ago. That would be a serious imposition on the hosts.

If I had family to stay I'd expect to be able to casually order dinners together rather than feeling like I had to go out of my way to cook for three days! Especially seeing as you'd asked if you could stay and they were kind of doing you a favour by letting you! If I have family to stay I'd expect them to share the costs of meals and pay their way - why wouldn't they? As for cleaning up after yourself - that's what you should do! They're treating you like family, not special guests, which is what you are. I'd definitely act like your SIL and think YABU!

My thoughts were that the SIL and her husband were held up and couldn’t get to the station. Probably because they had a fight. Probably because her DH was not happy about the intrusion. But they could have been fighting about anything. Or something else happened that distracted them from hosting.

But really in this situation I don’t know why you don’t know them better. I mean you husband should at least know his sister. I know friends and relatives well enough to understand how they host. Some feed you so much you can’t eat for days. Others, whilst lovely people, feed you so little you need to stop for a takeaway on the way home. I mean we once slipped away from a party to get lunch somewhere because they catered so badly. But I know what they are like. Some other people host but ask for contributions or make it clear they will getting takeaway because they don’t want to cook.

Some people are just poor hosts I find. We live in a city people want to visit and have a lot of guests. Overall I enjoy it but it can be tiring, as it is not a holiday for us - we are still working and managing everyday life. I always try and host well though.

In this scenario I would have met you. Dinner would be ready on the first night. Breakfast and other drinks would be available (and actively offered) for the entire stay. I would expect some contribution - an offer to cook, an offer for a meal out, purchasing wine etc. I wouldn't ask though.

This sounds like a poor experience. Sounds like a hint they don't want you to stay - or they are a bit socially awkward and just don't have these life skills.

You get so much more out of life by being hospitable and welcoming.

I also live in a foreign city. I'd have met you but I wouldn't have cooked dinner. I'd always go for takeout or a meal out when I have family visiting, and I'd expect them to a) pay their share or b) take it in turns to pay for meals (I'd much prefer option a though).

As you don't really know the conversation between DH & DSil I think you may find that she may have been put in the spot and may have agreed in haste. I bet she was slightly railroaded and when she mentioned your visit to your BiL he was a bit put out by the timing and short notice. She probably didn't want to back-out and the whole visit was slightly skewed from the get-go.

I think had the same conversation happened in the New Year after the holidays and they were more settled in their home a similar request and visit may have resulted in a different atmosphere. I think your DH could have been less pushy about insisting on a pre-Christmas meet-up, and your SIL could have been more honest about the fact that the timing of such a visit would be better postponed. I get the feeling your DH might have been a bit bullish unbeknownst to you.

Hells bells. If we invite ourselves to stay at friends/families houses (which we often do in the UK given we live on the other side of the world) we repay their hospitality by offering to pay for everything. It's often refused and there is regularly an announcement that they will be cooking for us, in which case we offer to chip in for ingredients, do the supermarket shop or load the table with wine.
I'll happily use their groceries; coffee, milk, bread, cereal but we replace if it looks like it's running out. We also tend to take them out for a 'thanks for having us and lovely to see you' dinner.
We certainly make our own way to our hosts home.
I would never, ever expect hosts to cover us irrespective of our comparative 'richness'
YABVU

I would be very pissed. Not picking up at station ? That's very cold. Not offered a drink when you got in? No meal ready? Eating at 11 at night?

The paying for coffees is one of those etiquette situations imho where we pay for coffees in one place, you pay next time. Works out about the same but feels more sociable. And it gives each the opportunity to say 'I'll get these, you paid last time so feels like fair dos.

Of course I would pay for all food in my home. It would never occur to me to think otherwise. Of course, nice guests would get some wine etc and if they didn't would get tea, coffee etc.

Washing up... would appreciate help clearing table, filling dishwasher but nothing you wouldn't do if we're staying with someone yourself.

If they didn't want you there they could have made their excuses and you wouldn't have gone.

I wouldn't be visiting them again in a hurry. Nor would I be inviting them to mine if they'd made me feel like a burden and unwelcome.

Oh and the 'invited yourself' - what's wrong with that? I tell my family come over and stay whenever. Family mainly UK and I'm in Ireland.

They then ask if it's ok if they come over and I say yes or no depending on what's going on but we work out dates and that's that. Same if I go over there.

They come to see me not because they think free meals for a week!

I'd host them in exactly the same way that they hosted you to get my point across. I have relatives who would enjoy your hospitality but would never reciprocate. I have developed ways of managing this situation. It's the lack of manners & self awareness that I find irritating.

They were terribly rude, this is not normal behaviour and I expect they were making a point.

Personally, I hate having house guests, but I do all the usual things e.g. greet them, feed them, get them settled in and so on.

Oh and the 'invited yourself' - what's wrong with that? I tell my family come over and stay whenever. Family mainly UK and I'm in Ireland.

Yes, it's normal. I live in London and my family is in the US. I don't invite them; they tell me when they're coming.

I don't even get this "invite yourself" business where it's family. When I arrange with my family and even ex- in laws it's all about reciprocation. They make me feel welcome and cook for me and I will pay for a lunch or dinner and in my turn I will welcome them and cook and be a good host. I enjoy it, they enjoy it, it's how we show our love for each other.
OP perhaps it's time to not visit SIL any longer as they made it clear they didn't want you there. (Or the DH might be controlling).

Honestly, what's this 'get my point across' thing about rude hosting? If you don't want to host, isn't it better to just say so and find a polite way out, which of course you are perfectly entitled to do, rather than agreeing to host and doing it through gritted teeth and being unpleasant the whole time to 'make a point'?

Don't people have enough communication skills to just say that they'd rather not/can't host than putting themselves and their guests through an unpleasant visit?

I'm with the OP. When people stay with us, even if a little inconvenient, we make time for them, arrange some sightseeing, provide all meals and are very generous with the booze. All of our friends and family do the same.

^I agree.