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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bad hosts?

184 replies

TakeFive1959 · 18/12/2018 14:08

Last weekend, my DH and I stayed for three nights at my SIL's and her DH's house, who live in another country. About a month in advance, we asked her if it would be fine for us to stay, since we wanted to visit them -last time we saw each other was in summer-, to which she said yes.

Let's say that we did not quite feel, well... hospitality, precisely. The day of our arrival -on Friday night, 8pm-ish-, we were supposed to meet at a train station to go together with them to their house (which we had never been to, since they moved a couple of months ago). We let them know beforehand the time we were arriving, we messaged them when our plane landed, and even when our train was on the way to the station. They just did not show up. We called them letting them know that we had arrived, and they said they were still home! They did not just arrive from work, but were there - we don't know what. So instead of waiting all the way for them to arrive -25-30 minutes-, we just compromise to meet them at half the way.

Then, when we arrived at their house (at around late 9 pm), they did not offer us anything to eat or even snack. There was not any dinner or snacks prepared, so we all order take away. They had not had dinner themselves either, waiting for us to have dinner together.

Right after ordering, my SIL says that 'ours' is 'x' pounds so that we pay her the cost of our meal, which we do immediately and do nothing else that night but smile and talk to them. We ended up having dinner at 11pm.

Of course, we had brought with us some gifts for them -things we knew they liked-, and gave them upon our arrival. We were also more than willing -or would have been, if things would have been different- to contribute with the costs of our stay and invite them for some meals and/or buy groceries, but were just not expecting that reaction precisely on the night of our arrival, which was quite shocking tbh.

During the rest of our stay, they provided for breakfasts -consisting of cereals with milk or yoghurt, fruit and coffee or tea-, and an occasional drink -twice- at their house, but nothing else. They did not cook once - which is fine for me-, and all meals were out or takeaways, but we were expected to pay for absolutely every meal apart from breakfast, and they did not invite us even once, not even to a coffee or tea while we were out in the city with them.

In fact, they were so tight that they expected each person the bear the exact cost of what they had ordered, they did not just divide the bill (even when what we all had ordered was pretty similar in cost). This happened with coffee, too.

During all our stay, we cleaned our dishes and what we used for breakfast and/or for the takeaways without being asked for, and we offered our help whenever we could (to clean the dishes, set the table or even prepare a coffee for them at breakfast, since they always woke up later than we did!).

The morning we left, we woke up to be ready to leave the house at the same time they did, since they did not have the day off and had to go to work, and we did not want to be an inconvenience for them.

I would love to say that our stay was lovely, but that attitude left us quite cold. We tried to ignore it the first day, but then it just repeated during all our stay, so we did not bother to invite them for dinner or coffee either, feeling quite annoyed.

Is it just us, or is this really an absolute lack of hospitality? If they had stayed at our house, I know we would have made sure that dinner was ready when they arrived, and would have been waiting for them at the train station upon their arrival (not to mention that we would have invited them to all of the meals at our house, or some of them if dinner or lunch was out, in addition to buying some snacks and/or things for them).

Financially, they currently do better than we do, since SIL has a very good job and my DH is unemployed at the moment, but there is usually not a big difference between us.

What do you think?? Last night I messaged SIL thanking her for 'our stay', and offering them to stay at our house anytime, but did not feel right thanking her for their 'hospitality', since we felt there was NONE.

Am I being over-criticising? Do you believe that they are aware that they were not hospitable? What would you do?

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 18/12/2018 15:19

You invited yourselves to stay at their home just before Xmas. My in laws do this a lot-it really pisses me off as things are so busy at this time of year and I’d rather they came when I invited THEM. If I knew they were moaning about what crap hosts we were as well, I would be fuming!

Returnofthesmileybar · 18/12/2018 15:21

Ok I first thought you were right in some ways and wrong in others, i.e they definitely should have met you at the station and absolutely offered to cook a meal during your stay, no doubt. I thought yabu for expecting them to invite you out or pay for any meal, surely it's a "what do you want to do tonight?", All agree on something and pay your own way. If anything you pay for one meal as a thank you and the rest is split.

But from all of your replies you sound very entitled and I am wondering if they felt that too and it made them not bother at all? That's the effect that entitlement would have on me to be honest, especially after you invited yourselves

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 15:21

@SneezyWasTheDopeyOne Xmas Shock

I find close friends/family can be a lot cheekier than paying guests, too, an expect a lot more. I'd take Airbnb guests anyday! At least you know when they're coming Grin

firstbrightday · 18/12/2018 15:23

The crux of it is that you invited yourselves. It could have been extremely inconvenient for them and they just didn't tell you out of guilt, you have no way of knowing

Original poster
TakeFive1959 · 18/12/2018 15:23

To all the people saying that we were unreasonable to expect to be invited for all food and drink: obviously we were not expecting to be invited for EVERY meal, I just said it would have been a nice gesture of them to invite us for at least SOMETHING, could have been dinner the night we arrived (even home-cooked dinner). We understand the costs of inviting someone and were not expecting them to be as generous, since visiting was our proposal in the first place, but they were willing to and at least something would have been a nice gesture.

We brought them some pricey gifts as a thank you, and were willing not only to pay our part, but also to invite them for something else, so we found that attitude, counting every single cent, quite rude.

The visit was also meant for DH and SIL to meet before Christmas, since due to living ALL of us overseas we cannot make it for Christmas this year at our inlaws with them.

Also, what does that have to do with the fact that they started by not showing up at the place they were supposed to meet us (and that THEY had arranged), or to arrange dinner before 11pm?? We could have directly met at their house, but they did not want to and insisted to meet at the train station.

OP posts:
NameChange457 · 18/12/2018 15:24

If you wanted to see THEM why didn’t you invite them to stay with you? Then you could have taken on the responsibility for hosting.

You invited yourselves to stay, they agreed. That doesn’t oblige them to run around all weekend hosting you.

GhostSauce · 18/12/2018 15:24

Did you take them out for a meal to thank them for putting you up for 3 days?

SneezyWasTheDopeyOne · 18/12/2018 15:26

So true Lettermethis. As well as the hotel being closed each summer, DH and I said there's a 5 day limit on all visitors. Honestly it's the only way to stay sane.

We're always expected to take them out to local cafes/good restaurants/sights. We are working ffs. Yet we're expected to drop everything.

Our new terms have put an end to the cheeky fuckery.

Holidayshopping · 18/12/2018 15:27

You sound like jolly hard work; I would love to hear their side of things.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/12/2018 15:28

Seems to me that the problem is, you invited yourselves, they didn't like to say no, but were actually thinking, 'Oh, buggeration,' and really couldn't be bothered.

I will admit to feeling the same about some far flung relatives of dh's who will be staying in the spring.. They didn't exactly invite themselves but were pretty obviously angling for an invitation. Which dh (who does sod-all of the guest-work except picking them from the airport) was only too happy to,provide.
However I will put a good face on and pretend I didn't think, 'Oh, shit,' when he told me.

canibehereifimnotamum · 18/12/2018 15:28

I don't think YABU at all they sound really rude!!

kingscote · 18/12/2018 15:29

I can't believe so many people are defending the couple. Their behaviour was definitely rude and unwelcoming. I don't get any impression that the OP expected to be wined and dined for the three days. But the night they arrived someone could have met them and a meal could have been made available. No problem with a takeaway, but asking them to pay was rude.
Obviously as a guest you would then offer to pay for lunches out and a dinner one of the evenings, which I get the impression OP was quite happy to do.

But yes, I would feel very unwelcome and uncomfortable if I stayed with people and I was treated like that.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 18/12/2018 15:31

God yeah, don't you just hate it when people don't bend over far enough backwards to anticipate and accommodate your every need, and THEN don't fancy paying for the privilege? Outrageous...

billybagpuss · 18/12/2018 15:33

For what its worth I agree with you. I'm surprised you're getting quite such a hard time here. In our family its usually an open invite to come and visit. We will visit SIL, they will cook a meal they live in a nice part of the country with beaches and things. They will come and stay with us from time to time and we reciprocate, we live in a much less nice part of the country but with way better shopping.

On the respective visits usually over a weekend we will exchange wine gifts and breakfast is always prepared and the evening meal either takeaway which we split the cost or one will cook.

woolduvet · 18/12/2018 15:33

They should have met you both as arranged.
They should have had a meal or take away arranged for the first night.
But after that all bets are off, make your self a coffee or go buy one. It's good to share the bill then no one gets taken advantage off.
Yes it's nice to share a meal at home, did you offer to make a meal for everyone?

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 18/12/2018 15:35

OP YANBU - they were graceless fucks.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/12/2018 15:36

You invited yourselves over for presumably a long weekend that suited you.

This isn't the same as being invited, at a time that suits your hosts.

So yeah you had free bed and breakfast, did you offer to cook for your hosts? Did you offer to take them out for dinner?

Was it actually ever agreed that they'd meet you at the train station or did you just expect that?

Lettermethis · 18/12/2018 15:36

@SneezyWasTheDopeyOne rules are the way forward!

Agreed - I find the entertaining more stressful than cooking for guests.

"So what should we see? Where shall we go? Where can we eat?"

Um, I'm not TripAdvisor and I've got an ironing pile the size of Everest but have a lovely day, goodbye-thank you-please.

onceandneveragain · 18/12/2018 15:36

So you not only invited yourselves to stay but didn't pay a penny towards any of their groceries or meals the whole time you were there?

You said 'We were also more than willing -or would have been, if things would have been different- to contribute with the costs of our stay and invite them for some meals and/or buy groceries' - but you didn't, did you? Perhaps they would have preferred to cook rather than eating out/takeaways each day but as in the space of 12 hours you had already expected them to come and pick you up, not offered anything for the takeaway (waited for them to ask you for your contribution), and then eaten their groceries for breakfast, all without any offer of payment or even a 'Shall we go for dinner tonight, our treat,' I can't see how they would have assumed you were 'more than willing.' They probably thought that if you were willing you would have done so already!

If you had a) waited to be invited and then b) not expected them to pick you up from the station and c) offered to pay for the takeaway straightaway as a thank you for being hosted, perhaps you would have had a different reception from them?

Even after the first night, you could have started afresh and offered to buy them a meal out, but you didn't. So the whole time you were there you didn't spend a penny on thanking them, whereas they had the effort of picking you up halfway, then taking you back to the station when you went back, washing bedding, paying for groceries and all their money spent eating out and entertaining you, and presumably driving you around too...but that's not hospitable enough?

SarahET · 18/12/2018 15:37

I'm surprised by all the people who think it's rude to suggest visiting family at their home. If they expected SIL to go to them then she'd have the costs and inconvenience of travel. If I have the choice I'd rather people came to me.

I don't think you sound like hard work at all OP but it does seem they weren't up for the visit. Perhaps next time you want to visit them see if there is a hotel nearby for you to stay at and you'll both be happier.

Gardai · 18/12/2018 15:40

YANBU
They sound rude, I would have cooked at least once and got in some snacks - not that expensive.
The problem seems to be as to whether they wanted you both there to begin with. I wouldn’t bother going again !

Original poster
TakeFive1959 · 18/12/2018 15:41

SarahET I actually think they might not have been up for the visit but did not want to say so, as some people have said, although they seemed happy when we proposed it. This seems like good advice to me.

OP posts:
KaliforniaDreamz · 18/12/2018 15:43

They sound really tight.
BUT they may well have soemthing going on that made them moody. maybe their marriage is shit and he agreed and she didn't and there was a vibe. But they shouldn't have agreed to let u stay f they weren't up for guests. who divides the bill like that? ugh.

SneezyWasTheDopeyOne · 18/12/2018 15:43

Lettermethis I kid you not, I did a word doc with cafes, restaurant, sights, metro instructions (complete with metro map) because I was that fucked off with it. I printed it and would just leave it on their beds when they arrived.

The 3 back to back lots were a massive pita.I had to go to the launderette and wash and dry all the sheets for 3 beds because each lot left in the afternoon and the next arrived the next morning. More €'s.

TruffleShuffles · 18/12/2018 15:43

I don’t think people are saying it’s rude to suggest visiting a family member sarahET, they are saying it is rude to invite yourself to visit a family member and expect all your meals to be provided or paid for.
L