Bad hosts?

[TakeFive1959]

Last weekend, my DH and I stayed for three nights at my SIL's and her DH's house, who live in another country. About a month in advance, we asked her if it would be fine for us to stay, since we wanted to visit them -last time we saw each other was in summer-, to which she said yes.

Let's say that we did not quite feel, well... hospitality, precisely. The day of our arrival -on Friday night, 8pm-ish-, we were supposed to meet at a train station to go together with them to their house (which we had never been to, since they moved a couple of months ago). We let them know beforehand the time we were arriving, we messaged them when our plane landed, and even when our train was on the way to the station. They just did not show up. We called them letting them know that we had arrived, and they said they were still home! They did not just arrive from work, but were there - we don't know what. So instead of waiting all the way for them to arrive -25-30 minutes-, we just compromise to meet them at half the way.

Then, when we arrived at their house (at around late 9 pm), they did not offer us anything to eat or even snack. There was not any dinner or snacks prepared, so we all order take away. They had not had dinner themselves either, waiting for us to have dinner together.

Right after ordering, my SIL says that 'ours' is 'x' pounds so that we pay her the cost of our meal, which we do immediately and do nothing else that night but smile and talk to them. We ended up having dinner at 11pm.

Of course, we had brought with us some gifts for them -things we knew they liked-, and gave them upon our arrival. We were also more than willing -or would have been, if things would have been different- to contribute with the costs of our stay and invite them for some meals and/or buy groceries, but were just not expecting that reaction precisely on the night of our arrival, which was quite shocking tbh.

During the rest of our stay, they provided for breakfasts -consisting of cereals with milk or yoghurt, fruit and coffee or tea-, and an occasional drink -twice- at their house, but nothing else. They did not cook once - which is fine for me-, and all meals were out or takeaways, but we were expected to pay for absolutely every meal apart from breakfast, and they did not invite us even once, not even to a coffee or tea while we were out in the city with them.

In fact, they were so tight that they expected each person the bear the exact cost of what they had ordered, they did not just divide the bill (even when what we all had ordered was pretty similar in cost). This happened with coffee, too.

During all our stay, we cleaned our dishes and what we used for breakfast and/or for the takeaways without being asked for, and we offered our help whenever we could (to clean the dishes, set the table or even prepare a coffee for them at breakfast, since they always woke up later than we did!).

The morning we left, we woke up to be ready to leave the house at the same time they did, since they did not have the day off and had to go to work, and we did not want to be an inconvenience for them.

I would love to say that our stay was lovely, but that attitude left us quite cold. We tried to ignore it the first day, but then it just repeated during all our stay, so we did not bother to invite them for dinner or coffee either, feeling quite annoyed.

Is it just us, or is this really an absolute lack of hospitality? If they had stayed at our house, I know we would have made sure that dinner was ready when they arrived, and would have been waiting for them at the train station upon their arrival (not to mention that we would have invited them to all of the meals at our house, or some of them if dinner or lunch was out, in addition to buying some snacks and/or things for them).

Financially, they currently do better than we do, since SIL has a very good job and my DH is unemployed at the moment, but there is usually not a big difference between us.

What do you think?? Last night I messaged SIL thanking her for 'our stay', and offering them to stay at our house anytime, but did not feel right thanking her for their 'hospitality', since we felt there was NONE.

Am I being over-criticising? Do you believe that they are aware that they were not hospitable? What would you do?

This is another instance of MM bearing no resemblance to what I see in real life.

Your brother arrives for three
Nights with his wife and you act like this?

Weird.

Either say you can’t do it or behave with normal hospitality. Which doesn’t mean forking out all the time.

I think this is a bit odd on both sides.

Good friends should be able to say they will be in the area and a would like to visit. It can be put in a way where it is fine for the hosts to say if it's not convenient, but when people are good friends, you should be able to say you'll be in the area. It might not be okay to do this with casual acquaintances or family memebers you aren't close to and you do have to gauge this and not invite yourself to all and sundry. And I think you can expect some level of hospitality, but need to know it will vary and as a guest in a busy house, doing jobs, offering to take the hosts out for meals or coffee (regardless of if they do likewise) is good form. I note that OP in her disgust at hosting behaviour did not offer to take hosts out at any point.

As hosts, I think you either agree to host and then dO it graciously or don't bother. Hosting doesn't have to be waiting on people hand and foot and paying for everything, but some level of making people feel welcome is neede dead and making people feel unwelcome is just rude. So hosts provided breakfast and in 3 days it would be nice to cook one meal but might not always be possible. Everyone paying their exact own contribution for every meal doesn't lead to a feeling of friendliness really, but again, I think the guests could have just as equally kicked the ball off with offering to pay.

It sounds like the hosts were very reluctant. We're the guests too thick skinned to realise this in advance or did the hosts offer happily and then turn cold - that is the most tricky to deal with and understand and deal with.

Incidentally, we had 2 very different experiences as guests last summer. In both cases we were invited. The family hosts had us for 2 nights - we took gifts like wine, fruit, cakes. They let us help ourselves to cereal on 2 mornings but only had bread one day. The other meals we ate out each day and bought lunch for everyone one day and other days paid for ourselves. In 3 days we were offered 3 cups of tea and some glasses of water. We know this couple love a drink, but were never offered a glass of wine or anything alcoholic although we bought several bottles of wine - and its def not the kind of house where you go and make your own cup of tea. We have children but there was never an offer of even a biscuit or anything outside of the cereal for breakfast or request to check if anyone needed anything. To be honest, although invited, we weren't welcome it was clear. We helped tidy round, strip beds, brought gifts, bought lunch, were friendly......and we've hosted them before usually on their way somewhere else and always cook a lovely meal, even if they don't stay the night and offer lots of drinks etc. Really not sure why they invited us, but it has happened before and I just conclude they are a bit rude really.

Other experience last summer was 10 days later. Our hosts who had only been in their new home 10 days and weren't even fully unpacked were looking out for us, had baked a cake, made us tea after our lomg drive, had planned some places for us to visit, had organised a BBQ and a Sunday roast. They had organised stuff so we didn't have to drive much as we'd gone a long way to see them. They made us feel free To make our own hot drinks and help the children to fruit and snacks. Again, we brought a basket of goodies with us and took them out for a meal and brought rounds of ice creams and coffees. Honestly, the difference, especially being less than 2 weeks apart was stark!

In the end I conclude, some people will invite you but don't really want guests. Some did want guests when they invited you but have gone off the idea by the time you come. Others get bored of hosting during the stay. It's horrible if you realise you re an unwelcome guest....but LL you can do is be gracious, help out, don't expect too much and be a gracious guest offering to take people out and being friendly and leave fairly speedily.....and not return. And get better at gauging in people really want guests. In my experience the problem comes when one of a couple invites people but the other really wasn't Up for it.

What is it about your company which makes it worth their while feeding, waiting on and entertaining you?

wow

some people must have very sad and lonely lives if that's how you see family. I am so glad my children are not raised in such a shitty environment.

I used to live in a VERY desirable holiday destination and whenever people stayed with us we would go out and about for dinners. I wouldn't be cooking at home. Maybe they just don't like cooking.

Usually my guests would take ME out to dinner, to say THANKS for having me/us. It would never occur to me that I was expected to pay for their meals out as well.

Do the rest of you really do this?

Blimey, some of the responses here! If you agree to have visitors, you meet them on arrival if that's what you've arranged, you make them feel welcome, you offer food. Fine to alternate paying for meals out, but one home-cooked meal would have been nice. If you don't want to do this, don't have guests, really!

and OP, you do NOT sound like hard work!

I think the OP should have offered to pay for the takeaway for all on the first night. Not doing so started off the pattern, as it was clear that they were hoping to freeload, which probably made the hosts wary. I notice she also didn't treat her hosts to a meal out to say thanks for having us.

YABU. You invited yourself to stay.

We have this several times each year with a family member who uses our house as a mid-journey stopover when visiting friends up north. She informs us of when she's coming and expects us to roll out the red carpet for her. When she's on her way back she stays again, for several days, to spend time with friends in this area. We're expected to pay for everything when she's here and it's so annoying.

It would never occur to me that I was expected to pay for their meals out as well.

We got a very quick lesson in that most people do expect exactly this.

We've had 8-9 lots of visitors some summers The cost adds up quickly.

but were just not expecting that reaction precisely on the night of our arrival, which was quite shocking tbh.

What exactly was shocking?

Makes sense not to order the take away until you got there. How would they know what you wanted.

I think they could have picked you up - but am very surprised that you didn't offer to pay for meals out. Surely that's the deal when you are getting free accommodation?

The disparity in income is a red herring too IMO. You invited yourselves so it was up to you do make sure it was affordable. I'm afraid expecting them to feed you makes you the CF.

When you said, ‘Were you not going to meet us at Xpm at the train station?’ how did they respond?

YANBU at all. They sound awful, unfriendly and like bad hosts. I'm surprised at the reactions on this thread. We moved 4 hours away from friends and family to a popular tourist destination (UK). People often ask if they can come and stay. Because they are friends and family and we like to see each other. It wouldn't occur to us not to cook for them, though they often bring gifts and booze and sometimes offer to pay for us if we go out for lunch etc. I'd much more happily be the host at home and spend a bit of money on food for people we love to see, than spend it on petrol and sitting on the M6 going to visit them!
Those asking what was shocking - just not bothering to turn up to meet the OP , then having made no food arrangements at all, even though they themselves hadn't eaten either! Who on earth behaves like that to family (or to any visitor)?! It's downright rude and unpleasant!

Given your SIL seemed ok but her DH not, it is possible that your dh spoke to his sister, they were both delighted but (for whatever) her dh wasn't. Maybe it all rolled from some conflict there. Maybe he was seeing the financial implications of you and maybe other visitors being fed and they agreed that they'd make sure all visitors split costs. Maybe he feels her family is "always" going to be visiting and his never does. Who knows what might be at the source of this.

It was definitely odd that they didn't collect you as arranged. With family I'd expect open enough conversations about food and plans that it wouldn't become a problem. So I do think the whole vibe and how it played out was really odd. But even in that situation I would have expected you to treat them to a meal.

The big question now is whether you want to try and clear the air? Would your dh talk to his sister and say that you felt that there was something and see if he can find out what was going on?

I think it was a lovely gesture for you to make the effort of visiting family before Christmas. I’d be elated if my brother told me he was visiting and I’d pull out all the stops. So I agree with you. I really love my brother and miss him. He lives abroad, maybe that makes the difference? He’s always welcome here. No invite necessary.

I think they had a massive barney that's why they didn't come to the station and there was no dinner. Maybe the DH wasn't that happy you were coming or it was completely unrelated.

The problem with playing host frequently (which this couple may or may not be doing) is that the burden of hosting is not lifted by a takeaway or 'lovely gifts'. These things can seem great to the guest but for the regular host that can mean cakes/sweets/wine/flowers turning up with a regularity which gets monotonous after a while when these are given every few weeks.

I agree that some people host an awful lot - often those in nice places. I know people in that position. They ask their guests to bring bedding and also to bring/provide a meal and explain that they host frequently.

I think it's fine to ask guests to do those things and also to chip in with housework and if the host doesn't expect to do any cooking, that's fine,mbut it helps to say so.....like all things, communication makes a huge difference and a bit of communication in advance to avoid misunderstandings helps hugely.

Whilst it being okay for hosts to offer very minimal hosting if that's what they want/feel happy with and if they make it clear, I still think there are minimum hosting standards people should meet or not actually host - these include seeming pleased to see people and probably making drinks available. And if you really can't offer any more than this, being clear about it in advance is really important so people aren't left feeling confused and hurt. Hosting on a regular basis might be the thing for some people who get to the point where they offer very little and don't engage much with their guests - that might feel very normal to them. However if you arrive as a guest and yourself only host once a year and really put yourself out, the low input approach can be surprising and upsetting. It's why it's so important to communicate.

Twice my family (abroad) were enquiring about staying at ours. I said of course but was very clear about how our days look like and that I will not becooking, taking around, etc., apart from Sunday dinner/ Sunday trip. Oddly the visits never materialised

I also think people underestimate how much it costs to feed extra people for several days!

Not everyone likes hosting. Some find it intrusive to have guests. You invited yourselves and perhaps they only agreed to be polite. They may have been deliberately inhospitable to put you off staying again!

If you wanted to visit them, why didn't you book a B&B? That way you're not invading their space, sharing their bathroom, taking up all their free time when they're tired from work, expecting to be cared for, collected from the airport etc.

It's irrelevant that you host differently, they haven't stayed with you yet.

Also possible they're just inexperienced at hosting? When I was in my early 20s I was an awful host, I just expected guests to help themselves to things like coffee, snacks etc and split the cost of takeaways like we did visiting at uni!

Again, I think if you are asking someone to host you without being invited you should clearly be treating them to dinner. You shouldn't be inconveniencing them.

If they invited you then I would still take them out for a meal as a thank you.

However if I actually INVITED someone I would expect to be looking after them somewhat - nice breakfast, dinner at home etc.

You can't impose yourself on someone uninvited then expect to be waited on. You muck in.

Also, I'm a reluctant host. I love seeing friends and family, but I'm an introvert and find hosting exhausting. I dislike talking to anyone at breakfast, feel irritated when people try to help in the kitchen while I'm cooking, and need quiet time alone to recharge.

BUT we still host a few times a year and I do my best to make them welcome. I offer drinks and snacks on arrival then give them a tour of the kitchen cupboards so they can help themselves to drinks, snacks, breakfast stuff, alcohol etc. I dump a load of croissants, pastries, spreads, cereals, bread etc on the table and encourage people to help themselves when they're up.

I put a guest basket of toiletries in their room, sets of towels, slippers, hairdryer etc.

We take them out for trips and they usually insist on paying for meals out, or we take turns. I might cook once in the 3 days, otherwise we eat out for lunch and have rolls with cold meats and salad for dinner, and a nice pudding.

I like guests who pitch in, some ask to cook a meal in our kitchen, one friend even bakes cake and cookies when she comes to stay!

I used to get takeaways when my family used to invite themselves over to stay. They never helped, never offered to buy on food, expected me to cook and run around after them whilst they sat with their newspapers watching tv! I was a single parent at the time. Getting takeaways was one way of not cooking for the lazy gits. They were surprised when I started ordering takeaways and asking them for the money. After me cooking they also started helping themselves to my food, making themselves meals and not making me anything!

They were terrible hosts but what on earth where you thinking inviting yourself to stay?! How rude!

I can’t stand it when I’m “told” I’m hosting people. I’ve got enough on with two jobs and caring for unwell family members. I’d never invite myself to go and stay in someone else’s home. Not even close family.