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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel offended by presents I've just received

235 replies

thisisnothow · 18/12/2018 12:30

I know I will be told I am ungrateful but quite frankly I wish they'd not even bothered. Just received a parcel from SIL damaged in the post. Due to damaged packaging I can see the gifts she has sent for us (DH, DC and me). I don't want to be too outing but she has obviously bought a load of cheap seconds (old and defected stuff) and given us that - no regard for whether it is a suitable gift or not. It is stuff I would not even consider re gifting. I feel so hurt and offended. Worse still, she sent me a list of what she and her family wanted which was way more than what we normally spend. She is not remotely short of money. I am lost for words and have no idea what I will say to her about the gifts when I see her.

OP posts:
ResistanceIsNecessary · 19/12/2018 19:21

I'd message her:

Unfortunately the parcel appears to have been tampered with - it's damaged and it looks like some items have been taken and it's been bulked out with some cheap second-hand stuff by the thief. Do you want me to send it back so that you can claim compensation from Royal Mail, or should I just bin it?

yytssirabcd · 19/12/2018 19:35

know how you feel.....one year new "step" (as our 70s+ parents married) gave me year-old post-it notes complete with a tiny calendar from the year that was ending...something that she'd obviously picked up at some conference that she went to....and threw in some cheap chocolates. What do you even say when you open something like that? I gave her a gorgeous and expensive scarf, plus a few other things and spent money on her and her two kids. I didn't say a thing when I opened the gift....and last year when my dad asked if I wanted to join them for christmas I said that I didn't need any more office supplies so I would be staying home...alone....and he asked what I was talking about so I told him and he was shocked "But she's so generous to everyone" well not to me. And I had a better christmas staying on my own at home. Not sure how this year will go down....he's been sick so I'm kind of being guilted into joining them. I have no intention of giving the kids anything - the 12 year old informed me this past summer when I made a passing reference to us being a blended family that I didn't count because I wasn't "Biological" so she isn't getting anything at all. The other "steps" and their kids have been distantly polite. But seriously...post-it notes? who gives someone something like that?

ilovepinkgin33 · 19/12/2018 19:36

Well low and behold this thread made it to the DAILY MIRROR fucking fantastic journalism

mummypeepee · 19/12/2018 19:44

Last year we got charity shop tat for and one thing from the pound shop for daighters. It’s intentionally rude

thecatsarecrazy · 19/12/2018 19:59

I don't know why people bother. My sil used to get a bottle of wine very gratefully received.. Then it went down to a poundland box of biscuits between us.. Then nothing at all so i don't bother either now

justalittlebitsad · 19/12/2018 20:10

Oh for goodness sake, message her after Christmas to thank her for the gifts. They were all gratefully received, however, you are concerned about the number of presents exchanging hands (i.e. spoilt DCs and environmental issue) and have decided to cut back next year so will only be buying for DH and the DCs. Tell her that you appreciate the sentiment but feel that Christmas is just getting out of hand. Don't leave it until September.

Short term pain = long term gain

Be nice about it but don't worry too much about upsetting her. Either she is blatantly buying you crap (and doesn't like you) or can't afford to buy you anything nice (in which case she will be relieved by the suggestion).

AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/12/2018 20:17

Unfortunately the parcel appears to have been tampered with - it's damaged and it looks like some items have been taken and it's been bulked out with some cheap second-hand stuff by the thief. Do you want me to send it back so that you can claim compensation from Royal Mail, or should I just bin it?

Please, this. Just add 'out of style' after 'cheap'. Brilliant.

Lovemusic33 · 19/12/2018 20:21

My dc’s received a gift each from Poundland last year from a close relative, the same relative was on Fb bragging about what they had bought themselves for Christmas (lap top and Xbox). I had spent around £20 each on their dc’s so was slightly pissed off with the tat my dc’s received. This year I have just bought their dc’s a book each (£2 each). I’m not usually ungreatful but I would rather they didn’t bother than buy tat.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 19/12/2018 20:22

My brother and his girlfriend took the huff with me last year. My DD is 9 (was 8 last Christmas) and it was the first year they ever sent her a Christmas gift. So nothing for the first 7 years of her life and I wasn’t expecting anything from them last year either. So naturally as we don’t exchange gifts I hadn’t bought anything for my DN who was 5 weeks old at the (I did give them a gift when he was born as that’s what you do with new babies). I know they had a lot of clothes and stuff given to him as gifts already (they were moaning they had too much and nowhere to store it all) and at 5 weeks old there’s only so many toys a baby needs.

Anyway because they now had a baby they suddenly decided to start buying for my DD but I wasn’t expecting it - mum dropped it at my house in Christmas Eve. I hadn’t bought DN anything and they pretty much fell out with me over it. I sent a message explaining we hadn’t sent anything for DN as we don’t normally exchange gifts and I would pick him something up after Christmas - was there anything they needed in particular. They told me not to bother as I obviously didn’t care enough to bother in the first place. I don’t get it, I didn’t fall out with them for not sending something to my DD for the previous 7 years and we didn’t discuss swapping gifts. 🤷🏼‍♀️

ChesterGreySideboard · 19/12/2018 20:41

We used to do secret Santa, but even that can get shitty.

The deal was that all adults were in and would make a list, therefore ensuring that you get something you actually want. There was a top spend of £30.
So most people put stuff on their list that was under £30, books etc, the idea being that you would get a selection of stuff.
This all worked well except for one person who would just buy one thing which meant that whoever bought for her was down on the deal.

Now we don’t buy any presents for adults.

WilburforceRaven · 19/12/2018 20:47

Just stop gift exchange. No need for PA silliness like giving it back to her. Send it back, 'This is damaged, you can have it back to get a refund.' And then tell her, 'We've decided to scale back on Christmas and will no long participate in gift exchanges.'

Leapfrog44 · 19/12/2018 20:58

I think it's a thinly veiled message. we've heard your side and it's a nasty thing of her to have done, but is there some information we're missing? Is she perhaps pissed off with you for some reason and using this as a way to express it?

user1467536289 · 19/12/2018 20:59

I had a birthday present from a friend - it was a huge M&S tote leather bag
It was very bright colour
it was huge
I checked the website and it was no longer current, I couldn't exchange it
I have now suggested that my daughter use it for Uni to carry files and books - the handle is not for shoulders so she declined
it's obviously a waste of space and it is also still My Problem
It's good quality and never been used
Charity shop?

My freind solved the dilemma by giving it to me :-(

Singsomethingsimple · 19/12/2018 21:13

My SIL seems to buy me comfy things to keep me warm at night; slippers, long thermal socks, outsized pj's, hot water bottles. Essentially thoughtful but they are all passion killers. I'm waiting for thermal underwear.

Catsinthecupboard · 19/12/2018 21:15

I am very kind hearted (it is a dilemma, not a good characteristic) but my dm absolutely ALWAYS got even. Her bits of advice to me about a friend has stood me in good stead for most people.

  1. If Her birthday is before yours, so give her the same sort that she gives you.
  1. If it is an obligatory gift give a wine, candle, nice soap or foodstuff; bc you can assume that the used it and you won't think that you will see it unused.
  2. She also set a monetary limit bc she was on a fixed income and that also helped all of us. We tried too stay to that.

She did not understand my mil, who left the expensive tea and expensive bathshop things in the guest bath for over a decade.

She would ask me what ds wanted for birthdays/ Christmas and give it go her yes. (NOT ds)

AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/12/2018 21:52

@Thanksforallthefish

sent a message explaining we hadn’t sent anything for DN as we don’t normally exchange gifts and I would pick him something up after Christmas - was there anything they needed in particular. They told me not to bother as I obviously didn’t care enough to bother in the first place. I don’t get it, I didn’t fall out with them for not sending something to my DD for the previous 7 years and we didn’t discuss swapping gifts.

I would actually point this out to your brother. Clearly. In a written response: "You haven't bought your DarlingNiece a gift in the first 7 YEARS of her life, but WE'RE the horrible ones for not buying your 5 week old another gift after sending a welcome to the world gift just last month? Grow the hell up and take a look at yourself."

nicoala1 · 19/12/2018 21:53

To this day I will never understand why adults feel the need to buy/receive presents for each other.

Daft to me, but anyway, giving a big genuine hug and being there and providing hospitality is all that is needed.

Just me I suppose!

northernmonkey1010 · 19/12/2018 22:01

I want to know what the gifts are lol

fabulous01 · 19/12/2018 22:11

I would take it with you next time you see her in company and say ... the delivery company were horrendous
And the I would learn... next time spend money on your family or you . Hard lesson but I learnt that way and I feel better that my children get the benefit

user1474894224 · 19/12/2018 22:16

@yytssirabcd I actually gifted all my nearest and dearest out of date calendars one year.

When DS1 was born I started making photo gifts - you know the thing a bauble for the tree, a snow globe etc They are always reduced in boots after xmas so I would buy and store ready to fill with photos for the next xmas. One year I was so pleased to find little calendars that took 12 pictures - one for each page.

Next December I printed and stuck in all the photos. Sent them off - in time. Was feeling really pleased with myself until boxing day. When my mum phoned........"did I realise......." - Mortified I was!! In my head you have the same days in the year each year.......LOL.

StoppinBy · 19/12/2018 23:01

Haha, the year before last my PIL bought my hubby $300 worth of stuff he wanted for a fire unit he was making for his own personal vehicle...….. I got a bath mat and a pack of pegs Hahah.

Usually they are very generous with their gifts and I genuinely think my MIL had no idea what to get me and panicked on Xmas eve before grabbing whatever her local supermarket had in stock at the time lol.

Wheresthebeach · 19/12/2018 23:21

I use to be appalled at MIL just handing out cheques at Xmas...but I've come to see the wisdom....

Bloominglovely · 19/12/2018 23:29

Send it back to her next year OP.

If/when she sends her list next year, simply ignore it.

Lots of my family buy rubbish gifts. One year I received a used bottle of nail varnish all wrapped up in Christmas paper! I simply stopped buying and the same person continues to send ridiculous gifts. As we haven't met each other in years and years and I don't even have her address anymore, I don't say thanks or send anything in return. I just bin it and move on.

My SIL recycles gifts given to her by clients. They are not to my taste and while I do say thank you for them, I don't exclaim how much I like them. Gifts aren't gifts unless they are chosen with the receipent in mind and my SIL has a stack of unwanted gifts that she passes on without a thought to who is going to end up with them.

Claudia1980 · 20/12/2018 00:19

One year I got given a used self help book and a pair of huge granny undies from my dhs uncle. Such a cheapskate!!

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 20/12/2018 03:58

I am with the posters who suggest contacting her to suggest some foul play has gone on. I would send photos of the damaged items and suggest someone must have switched the decent presents for these substandard ones.

I would then suggest that given there is not the time to sort this out before Christmas if she wanted to give a gift card from Amazon you can let the children pick something on Christmas Day from their wish list so they are not disappointed.

You could use this as a good reason for not bothering to exchange gifts in future or suggest they could buy from your individual wish lists so they arrive separately and can be claimed back if damaged. You then get to set a decent reciprocal arrangement.