Update on stopping contact with dad.. I’m shaking please help

[Expressodaily]

Ok so I had another thread if anyone’s seen that
Basically on wether to keep up contact witj my 5 week olds father. I came to the conclusion to tell him to go see a solicitor.
I have continued to say he can see the baby here or in a mutual place but until he spends more time with her he isn’t having her alone as I’m all she knows

He’s now sent me a text. Telling me it’s in my best interests to change my mind and confirm a plan where he takes her today- otherwise he is visiting a solicitor and showing them texts saying I don’t want to be here. Which in his words they will take very seriously so I need to think about if I want to keep seeing my baby as much as I am now.

I’m shaking . I’m so worried, will this stand for anything ? Yes I shouldn’t have said that. Everyone has down days. My mum commited suicide a couple of years ago, I have no other family, he left me while pregnant, It’s obviously a time I wanted to be surrounded witn support and I wasn’t. I reached out to the enhanced midwife team as I knew I felt down. I feel okay now I don’t want him to use these threats and I’ve no idea what to do

You could also just send thehop's message back every time he contacts you. Don't engage.

I'd reply 'as we have been given differing legal advice, I feel we should have this done properly. I'll await your solicitors letter and we'll go to the courts to ensure we find a way that takes our child's best interest as the priority. Until ordered otherwise, contact will be here or in a contact centre. It is not about you, it's about our child's best interest.'

Can you go to your aunt's tomorrow afternoon? Or any baby group?

What a horrible person he must be. The poor baby, and poor you, being bullied by an expert there arent you?!

He can shout and bluster and be as loud as he likes. I highly doubt he is acting on solicitors instructions.

Remember, solicitors can only advise on the information they are given. If he has actually been to a solicitor (which I doubt), think about what he will have told this solicitor.

Do you think he will have told them the whole truth about his own behaviour, what he’s saying and doing to you? Do you think he’s saying ‘will I be seen as correct in the eyes of the law after I refuse her sensible and careful offers of contact and carry on my threatening and domineering behaviour?’!!! I don’t think he’s admitting to that do you?!

I think it’s highly likely he’s saying (or writing online), ‘this horrible woman she’s trying to refuse me my rights oh poor me she’s taking my baby away from me, I’ve done nothing wrong poor me, but she’s such a b*tch but I’ve got rights haven’t I? She’ll get what’s coming if she stands in my way etc etc etc’ or some other unpleasant nonsense!

Now, I have a theory, and I might be wrong (!), but I do wonder if your ex partners legal advice is coming from one of the online boards that gives out legal advice rather than him getting real specific advice?

I can’t work out if he’s even spoken to a solicitor ? If he has he’s obviously bare face lied about what’s happened :(

Tomorrow he will be at work till 4.45 - so I know I’d be fine till then, I could go out around then but he will know I’ll be in from 6.30 as I always have my little boy in bed for 7pm. I’m sure my aunty would come here though if I asked

OP try to look at this from an outsiders perspective and act as you would advise. Personally, with his threats I’d only be allowing supervised contact until a court order is in place for protection and to ensure she is returned to you after any potential unsupervised contact.

It’s hard but please don’t let this ruin the early days with your baby. Think practically and act on it. Write down a dairy entry of points, keep evidence of the texts and stay calm.

I know you are incapable of understanding normal human beings but sometimes you have to put your own selfish needs aside. You refusing to let me take my daughter is nothing more than you wanting to control her.

This is SUCH a reversal of the real position it is UNTRUE.

HE is the selfish one.
HE is the one who is trying to "control".
HE is the one not putting the baby first.

It is NOT IN THE BABY'S BEST INTERESTS to go with him.

That's all you need to remember.

Not you. Not him. Your tiny DD.

Five weeks old, she only knows you.

Stick to her like glue.

Can you ask him to contact someone else now? Would your aunty be go-between?

Failing that, tell him you'll only communicate via email now, which you'll check once per day. Then set up an address only for him, and check it only once per day. Block his mobile.

You don't need this stress.

‘I don’t want to be here’ is not exactly inconclusive suicidal talk. You could have meant in this argument or situation where you are a single mum. So tell him to do what he wants, get fucked and hope the solicitor bleeds him dry.

PS he sounds exactly like my ex.

I would ask your aunty round and explain what's happening. Then don't open the door to him, and if he kicks off then call the police.

He's talking utter rubbish. I agree with pp who say they doubt he's even seen a solicitor. What he's done is moan down the pub with his mates and taken tips on the best things to say to scare you and get what he wants.

Don't fall for it. Stay strong.

Insist on supervised access with another party present (since he's threatened you) and if he still doesn't want to do this then leave it. Tell him not to contact you unless it's via solicitor.

The health visitor may advise on baby's health and development.
I think you need solicitor to put things in place to protect you and dc.
I can see from his point of view that he thinks you are keeping him from having contact but he needs to think why would you do that.
He clearly doesn't understand child's needs or how abusive he is.
Don't communicate by text, it's fine for briefly exchanging information, no substitute for communication. Let his solicitor write to yours and arrange mediation

"I don't want to be here"

I'm not surprised no-one wants to deal with his bullying bs, you are expected to focus on baby and child not the bullying arse who is draining your resources, he can see a solicitor.

"Tell your solicitor" is the only reply you should give now

But I do agree, grey rock with the repeated text message from hop would be a great approach.

And tell everyone you know - health visitor, aunty, DS1's dad - that this is happening. Get allies. Don't worry alone. You have done nothing wrong.

I just think it’s such a low blow to try to use that against me.
I was honest. I did feel shit.
Why wouldn’t I feel shit.
I loved him and he walked out on me at 7 months pregnant. During my last pregnancy at 7 months pregnant my mum commited suicide. I coped well considering-
But this broke me. I had such different expectations and I felt like my pregnancy was snatched away from me again. Last time everyone rallied round me but people forget. No one even mentions my mum anymore and I’d absolutely do anything to have had her support through this. It was just a harsh horrible reminder.
So I’m proud. I’m proud I reached out for help and I’m proud I continued to go to work everyday to look after my son and to safely bring my daughter into th world.
It’s just horrible rather than respecting me raising his child he thinks he Can make me doubt myself. Which I really really did until seeing a solicitor today and speaking to you all.
I really appreciate all your help and kind words and advice, it is exactly the support I needed so thankyou x

Please continue to be proud. You are a great mum because you put your children first.

Stop giving him the opportunity to hurt you, though.

You are not defined by him and what he did. Or by what happened to your mum. I'm so sorry she's not around for you .

You are your own choices. And you're choosing to be the best defender and advocate for your children.

Stay strong. Wishing you peace.

I'd definitely block him over Christmas, btw. Even if you can't bring yourself to permanently.

You should be proud you are doing everything correctly and it's hard but you're doing it anyway.

OP you sound bloody wonderful. Please never doubt yourself.

I’ve had almost identical texts from my ex and for years he had me terrified. The number one thing that men use to control an ex partner is the threat of taking away their children.

It’s bullshit.

In this circumstance I don’t think I’d let him near the baby at this point. His behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable. You are the child’s primary Carer and all you have done is act in her best interests. No one is going to fault you for that in the same way that no one is going to fault you for seeking help when you needed it.

He is a complete prick who is doing his level best to manipulate you- he knows you are a vulnerable person and is preying on those vulnerabilities. Do not allow him into your head.

This is coercive control and it is a crime.

I’d contact police to log his behaviour, send him a message saying that you will not stand for his abuse, he has no permission to set one foot on your property and if he does you will ring the police as he will be trespassing.

Then block his number.

You don’t need this shit. Contact women’s aid and get some moral support.

He thinks your vulnerable but your actions are showing otherwise, stay strong. You wouldn't expect or tolerate this from DS dad, keep telling yourself 'you've done this before and you did it well'.

HE is the problem.

Deffinately report his behaviour as other posters have mentioned 5hus is covered by the new law on coerceive control and I’d block him

I agree about Women's Aid and search out the FreedomProgramme too. Grey rock is v useful too.

He's just being a dick and bullying you

Tell him you've seen a solicitor and you know he's talking rubbish.

He will find a chink and work away at that chink until it is a massive hole in your confidence and self esteem. He has been doing this for ages, even before you had your child. Your weakness is your desperate desire for him to be in your daughters life and he will play a masterful game with mummy behind him backing him all the way.
Whether he has seen a solicitor or not is none of your concern. Your next move is to call his bluff. Stop texting, do not open that door tomorrow and make sure you have some one with you or better still, stay with family or friends. If it gets nasty, you need to call the police and tell them how you are feeling. Be careful as he may turn up early. The chance to visit her at your house is over. That finished when he started bullying you again. It is public place or contact centre. Sweetie, this is his mother wanting to spend time with her without you around. Remember that voice when he was swearing in your daughter's face? Keep that in mind always.
No more maybe and If. Be firm. Until a suitable arrangement can be organised through solicitors (this also includes regular maintenance) contact will only be on your terms. He will try everything and anything to make you feel less of a person, less of a parent..Remember that voice....

He thinks your vulnerable but your actions are showing otherwise, stay strong. You wouldn't expect or tolerate this from DS dad, keep telling yourself 'you've done this before and you did it well'. HE is the problem.

This, in spades

Keep those texts, it shows the truth of the situation very clearly. He has not seen a solicitor. At best he's seen some bullshitter mate who reckons he may as well be a solicitor.

I would text back that given his threats to take her from you, you no longer feel safe with him coming to your home. Let him contact a solicitor for real and get the ball rolling. A court will have more concern for his daughter's rights than he does.